Obsessed with guy I met on the internet.

[muchacha_abril]

I met this guy on a chat room and added him to my messenger. We couldn't chat all the time because he lives in Europe and there's a 6 hour difference from where I live. But when we did get to chat, he would share with me his poetry and his thoughts on life, his unhappiness, his frustrations. At the time I wasn't especially interested on him besides having someone to talk with over the net but he wanted to talk to me. Over the summer I went to his country to study so, of course, the opportunity to meet him arose. When we finally met it was a little bit of a disaster because I went with a friend who likes attention so him and I couldn't talk much, unfortunately. She decided to invite him to our hostel (other friends were there, partying, allegedly) but when we got there everyone was either gone or asleep. I was really tired since I hadn't slept the night before, so I just wanted to sleep. He wasn't having that. He was upset that we dragged him to our hostel and now I wanted to go to sleep. I stayed up till 3am with him and my attention-lover friend. After that he stayed with us in our room (one of those where there's like 20 bunk-beds) and he slept in a bunk-bed. By the morning, he was gone.

 

I went back to the city where I was staying (about 6 hours away from his) and was a little disappointed that the experience wasn't even close to what I had imagined. We kept chatting though. After meeting him in person I wanted to know more about him and regretted now being able to control my anxiety and me being tired. I told him that I wanted to see him again before I went back home (this was my last weekend in Europe). First he insisted that I come but then he would change the dates for me to go there. We finally agreed on something and met. It was a very weird, anxiety-provoking, beautiful and strange meeting. I have anxiety so it was really hard for me to be with someone that I didn't know well but to whom I felt a strong connection and a lot of sexual attraction. It was too many emotions at once! The experience was mostly weird because I wouldn't talk much and I'm very insecure, so I made him uncomfortable too. Anyway, I came back home and we kept chatting. I don't know why but I got very defensive with him and was looking for stuff to piss him off sometimes. In my reasoning, I found it strange that he could chat with me as if we hadn't met; I thought him indifferent to me. Maybe he was, maybe I'm just paranoid. One day he sent me one of his poems and I critiqued a couple of things about it. However, the discussion escalated and I ended up calling him "automatic" and "utilitarian" and he called me a "crazy" person. He got pissed at me and I got pissed at him and we eliminated each other from our messengers. Since then (a month or so ago) we haven't spoken.

 

However, I find myself constantly fantasizing about him (I was fantasizing in the plane back, so this is not new) when I wake up, when I'm reading, when I'm going to bed. I cannot stop thinking about him and even thought of sending him a couple of books I thought he'd like. My friends told me not to because I would "boost his ego". I don't know if it's because we didn't have a proper closure but I cannot stop thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me too. I find that, for me, it's not enough to imagine him: I want to exist in his imagination too. But he's gone. Was this just a summer thing that I'm having a hard time overcoming?

[camus154]

It's not just a summer thing, it's just your ego.

[happyfrank]

Summer thing. You only get one chance to make a first impression and it didn't work out. Based on what you stated he doesn't like you and maybe never will. Just move!

[lanaa]

just leave it alone for 2,3 months and if you still think about him by then..then contact him,and start all over again

[muchacha_abril]

That's your advice?

[muchacha_abril]

It's not just a summer thing, it's just your ego.

 

That's your advice?

[engraved2008]

That's your advice?

 

some people can be cruel to your feellings.....i got few mean replies on my threads.....you can fall in love online....i did,yes i suffered,but i spent the most amazing moments with the love of my life.Do u know his phone number or adress ,anything ??

[camus154]

I'm not being cruel or mean to your feelings, I'm being truthful.

 

OP, you said you find yourself wanting HIM to fantasize about YOU. That's your ego talking. What else did you think it was?

 

There's nothing WRONG with that, but let's not pretend it's anything more than what it is. I mean, really....you met this guy, it didn't go over so well, you wound up nit-picking him, and then you both got into a tizzy and removed each other from chat.

 

And that's that. I really see no reason to try to contact this guy again. You don't really have a history with him and what little you did have wasn't so hot to begin with. People have a tendency to romanticize mediocre experiences or things they thought they wanted but didn't get.

[muchacha_abril]

I don't find myself wanting him to fantasize about me. I wonder if he thinks about me. I am the one who fantasizes with him. About the ego? I think that's only a part of the situation. I don't understand why a lot of people who advice here assume that all relationships are power relationships in which one person wants to win something over someone else. I think both of us, very realistically, knew we only had a couple of days. He tried to make the most of it and in many aspects I held him back. Now, I don't think it's my ego that's keeping me obsessed; on the contrary, I think is the fact that I admire things I saw in him. Maybe I'm infatuated, maybe I am idealizing. I understand I may not see him again, nor do I have hopes of doing so. I'm just gonna send him a book (I do have his address) and that's gonna be that. Just so he knows I appreciate him as a person and to thank him for putting up with me. I really don't care it that makes me "weak" in the eyes of others.

[muchacha_abril]

some people can be cruel to your feellings.....i got few mean replies on my threads.....you can fall in love online....i did,yes i suffered,but i spent the most amazing moments with the love of my life.Do u know his phone number or adress ,anything ??

 

Yeah, I came back to these forums just to find that the thoughtful, caring people who used to advice are gone. Now this is full of smartpants. I wonder how they ended up in this forum to start with.

[SudoMB]

Yeah, I came back to these forums just to find that the thoughtful, caring people who used to advice are gone. Now this is full of smartpants. I wonder how they ended up in this forum to start with.

 

Hmm...haven't visited this section of the forums, since I thought I was on the path of reconciliation. But...you can't let a few folks who aren't considerate mar the rest of the community.

 

 

My ex has severe social anxiety disorder.

 

When we first met online, we explored each others vulnerabilities early on, and it takes a certain type of person to be able to not run away screaming. Even though we explored each others vulnerabilities, we still ended up breaking apart after 2.5 years and 6 weeks of face to face visits, due to what I perceive as communication failure on both ends.

 

I don't know the severity of your anxiety, if its general, or social, or the triggers, but it definitely adds a layer of complexity to it. I'm not trying to discourage you, because, in my opinion, meeting someone online can be safe for both. That is, if the dialogue feels genuine to you. Again.. I don't know your level of relationship experience, or even people skills, so it's hard to gauge. I will say this though, he shouldn't have expected anything from you that first night (unless you both had agreed to it before hand), and should have understood (even if you don't have severe anxiety disorder), the amount of pressure and complications such a relationship would bring and respected that.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.