Feeling like I can't keep up with the competition

[NG85]

I'm house sitting for a friend in NYC this weekend, and I'm looking for things to do. I live a stone's throw outside the city and I'm familiar with it, and I'm looking to move there soon. A lot of my weekend interactions happen there, and I'm also throwing a net out to meet new people. But no matter how hard I try, I can't meet anyone or find anything to do.

 

But it just seems that as I'm trying to improve my life and make myself more attractive for the female of the species, I fall father and farther behind. I've mentioned here that I signed up for OKC 4 years ago and got 3 dates within a month, and I barely had to try - One of them became my girlfriend for 2 years. I was overweight, depressed, unemployed, and had no direction in life, but I seemed to do fine with meeting women online. After my ex and I broke up a year ago I signed up again for OKC. I worked on my appearance, began wearing nicer clothes, I got myself a good job, I worked on my confidence, I was happy and stoked on life, I lost 30 pounds, etc. But nothing seems to work.

 

I feel like no matter how fit I am or how nice I dress or how confident I am, there will always be someone out there who can top me and win over the girls I'm pursuing. This is especially true in NYC, where guys are just a dime a dozen and women have all the choosing power when it comes to relationships. Every woman here multi-dates, and I feel like there's always going to be someone who can top me.

 

I signed up for the OKC app on my iPhone which has this thing called "Locals". Basically it shows you other people in your area who are free and looking for something to do, and if you like their profile or their hang out suggestions you can click a button and it sends a message to them that you want to meet. Of course there are hundreds of girls on there, and as soon as a girl puts up a suggestion ("Let's meet at _____ bar!"), it's down within 5 minutes. That's how fast guys respond to them. Meanwhile I've been responding to all the good things on there, even with girls I'm not interested in, and I've gotten no responses. In addition, I've put up my own suggestion for hanging out at a bar, and for the past 6 hours I've had no hits whatsoever.

 

There have also been threads on here about girls who just stop responding to guys, or vise versa, as an exit strategy. I sent a FB message yesterday to this girl I went to college with about hanging out tonight. She was always very prompt with her responses, but so far no dice from her. She's even updated her FB status since, so I know she's been on FB, she just hasn't responded. I feel it's just becoming the norm for even people who go back years to ignore an email or text rather than sending a simple "Hey, I'm busy, maybe another time".

 

It's odd that there are so many people in this city, yet it's so easy to feel alone.

[Ms Darcy]

Makes me wonder what kind of girls you are pursuing. If you are pursuing models, I don't know, you might have a rough go of it for a long time.

[NG85]

Makes me wonder what kind of girls you are pursuing. If you are pursuing models, I don't know, you might have a rough go of it for a long time.

 

Well I learned from past experience that hot girls on OKC are like hot girls in real life - Even though they're on a dating site/party/bar, if they're out of your league they won't be into you.

 

As time goes on the girls I go out with or pursue get more and more average. Of course it's all subjective, but I'm learning to not be so shallow, because a lot of times girls who may not be the prettiest end up having the best personalities.

 

But even that's not working. I was at a bar last night, and a friend introduced me to this girl he was friends with. She was fun and cute in a nerdy way, but she was nowhere near movie star or model looks, just an average girl. So we're talking and flirting and getting along, when I go to grab a beer. All of a sudden this handsome guy pops up and starts talking to her, and she's completely enamored. To give you an idea, it was like Brad Pitt flirting with Velma from Scooby Doo. In the end he got her number and she ended up talking to me some more, but wasn't as into it. It seems like I can't even swat away guys more handsome and charming than me when the girl is more along the lines of average. I'd pretty much expect this guy to be going after every blonde Barbie doll in the place - Maybe he's also been burned and is learning to keep away from the "10"'s?

[NG85]

I also realized this OKC app may be futile. I've heard that girls prefer getting a message from a guy, rather than a "wink" or a "poke" or a Quickmatch. I've had this for about 3 weeks and it's never worked, even back home where there are significantly less people. It may not be me, personally, that's turning these girls off, it could be the nature of the app.

 

But if they don't like the app, why do they have it in the first place?

[FathomFear]

It's odd that there are so many people in this city, yet it's so easy to feel alone.

 

Yeah, I have to agree with you there. I live in an extremely small town in the middle of a virtual Canadian nowhere, and friends will often tell me "You should move to a bigger city!". But I know that doing that is no magic bullet for the reason you stated. Having more people around doesn't suddenly mean you'll make more connections.

 

Having said that, I don't think I would focus on the "competition" element. I doubt being more attractive or more rich would help you make OKC connections, for example. It sounds like a game of needle in a haystack more than anything else.

[Ms Darcy]

To give you an idea, it was like Brad Pitt flirting with Velma from Scooby Doo. In the end he got her number and she ended up talking to me some more, but wasn't as into it.

 

Lol, now that was funny.

 

I'm sorry that happened. Are you open to dating women outside your city, outside your race, maybe meeting women in different ways (not bars or parties)?

[NG85]

Yeah, I have to agree with you there. I live in an extremely small town in the middle of a virtual Canadian nowhere, and friends will often tell me "You should move to a bigger city!". But I know that doing that is no magic bullet for the reason you stated. Having more people around doesn't suddenly mean you'll make more connections.

 

Having said that, I don't think I would focus on the "competition" element. I doubt being more attractive or more rich would help you make OKC connections, for example. It sounds like a game of needle in a haystack more than anything else.

 

Yeah, dating is just a numbers game. You have to go through some clunkers to get to the good ones.

 

Actually, in a bigger city you DO meet more people...But since there are so many people it's really hard to make meaningful connections. It seems like a lot of people here have social ADD since there's so much to do and see.

[NG85]

Lol, now that was funny.

 

I'm sorry that happened. Are you open to dating women outside your city, outside your race, maybe meeting women in different ways (not bars or parties)?

 

Well, in person I usually find women in bars. Otherwise it's OKC, which has resulted in only a handful of bad dates over the past year. But sometimes I'll hang out with friends and there will be girls there. But just my luck, I always find out after I get along well with a girl in these situations that she has a boyfriend (Who I never see her with, but it's there on Facebook and the friends all talk about him, etc.). This happened recently, I had a bunch of friends over my house and these 2 cute girls were there. We got a long well, carrying on and such, and then I find out both of them are taken. As soon as they're single they always seem to disappear, too.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, in person I usually find women in bars. Otherwise it's OKC, which has resulted in only a handful of bad dates over the past year. But sometimes I'll hang out with friends and there will be girls there. But just my luck, I always find out after I get along well with a girl in these situations that she has a boyfriend (Who I never see her with, but it's there on Facebook and the friends all talk about him, etc.). This happened recently, I had a bunch of friends over my house and these 2 cute girls were there. We got a long well, carrying on and such, and then I find out both of them are taken. As soon as they're single they always seem to disappear, too.

 

I'm giving you suggestions but you didn't respond to them. Gotta try something different.

[anxeo]

this is gonna sound stupid but what is OKC? whats it stand for? never heard of it lol

[NG85]

this is gonna sound stupid but what is OKC? whats it stand for? never heard of it lol

 

OKC = OKCupid.

 

So I went out tonight with a friend of mine to this bar that has a special theme night on Sundays, and that I've also met some women at. For some reason tonight I kept striking out. There was one girl who was dancing with me for a while in the beginning of the night. She seemed really into me and we were getting along...And then out of nowhere 3 separate guys started dancing with her. Suddenly she ignored me and alternated between these 3 guys the rest of the night. Occasionally I'd go up to her to say hello, and she'd turn her back to me and walk away. I also tried dancing with other girls, but they weren't having me.

 

Towards the end of the night, before last call, I made out with a girl...And then her boyfriend showed up.

 

Like Ms. Darcy said, I should be looking elsewhere, but I couldn't help myself tonight. It seems like any time I go to a club or a bar, some guy comes along and wins the affection of any girls I'm with. But when I do something like go to an event (Non-drinking) that involves an interest, or really anything non-drinking where I find a girl I connect with, it always turns out that she has a boyfriend.

 

The past year I've been trying to "reinvent" myself, to make myself more attractive. The most important change is towing the line between "alpha male" and "sensitive male". I'm seeing which one works best, but so far my attempts have all been for naught.

 

As far as OKC, I had a friend's girlfriend review my profile and photos. It's sort of common knowledge that she doesn't like me too much, but when she read my profile she basically said that it was really good and true to who I am, and had she not known me or been in a relationship with my friend she'd be so into me. Coming from someone who's lukewarm to me in general, that shocked me. I can't figure out what the problem is.

[NG85]

Well, my weekend's coming to an end and so far there's no word from the girl from college on Facebook. I even tried texting a girl I was seeing for a bit over the summer who lives in the same neighborhood, but she didn't respond at all. The OKC app hasn't done a thing, either.

 

It really does reinforce the feeling that the more people are around you, the easier it is to feel alone. The OKC Locals app was just overflowing with bulletins from girls talking about meeting up, and also had tons of people signing in and out all weekend, but I had no responses to any of my requests that I posted or that girls posted and I responded to.

 

But I did see that most of the girls I tried to interact with viewed my profile. And it's not like they were looking to do date-y things. They were things like going to a certain shop or running an errand or working out. Do my OKC photos and profile really matter if I'm responding to a girl's request about going jogging?