Really need help. I keep hitting a wall with girls.

[ATLstudent]

Yesterday I started talking to a girl in my class....she is really cute...great body....and really sweet. And just talking about her....brings me back a bit to where i was yesterday and why i am posting.....When i we talked really talking and made some really strong eye contact that lasted longer than normal in my opinion i started to feel that warm fuzzing feeling and the attraction was powerful.......BUT the reason i am posting is because it was almost equally brought on with a feeling of despair, sadness heartbreak.

 

We really had a lot in common once we started talking and as soon as she started seeming like someone i could really like it started hurting....THe same hurt that i have felt in most relationships with girls ive dated. She is a dancer and too me that makes her a 10 in my mind.....once she told me that i really felt this strange feeling......I feel like it was the more she became attractive...the more i cared....the more i felt that hurt....or brokenhearted despair feeling.

 

IT WAS not all emcompassing i was able to keep my composure and it didnt overtake my thoughts.....but just enough of it was there to sent me spiraling in my thoughts. And during class i was thinking about her and that alot. After class I left first and did not iniate any contact.......I guess it felt better in that moment to keep to myself and just get to my next class......but if i let myself i could have gotten all clingy and needy on her in two seconds...meaning if i wouldve iniated her i would have gotten her number........and feeling those despair feelings i would then reach for her to soothe me( this is a genralization of what it has felt like in the past),, but maybe it wouldve turned out ok.

 

I guess i am really struggling with this....Im not sure what to do here....how to fix it...........I want this kind of a moment with a girl(attraction, sparks, arousal) to be positive moments....not clouded with negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like they should be clear of those things.

 

Maybe its my mind warning me of what has happened in the past......i generally get pretty heartbroken and struggle in relationships....

 

Thing is ive been in a really good mood and really in the place to make moves on girls lately.....been flirting and talking to girls.......And it doesnt really come up with like an older cougar or someone i dont really have a connection to.......like i guess what would turn into a fling...or one time thing.........But as soon as she started looking like relationship potentional.....or we had all these things in common ...it started hurting.

 

Have you ever felt this way or dealt with this????????................My ideal mindset in this situation would be....."i am really attracted to this girl, we have some serious potentional to have fun with each other" (not just sexual)......i want to feel and think that....not where i was yesterday.

[FathomFear]

ATL, have you found the time to chat with a therapist about your issues? Since joining these boards I've seen posts from you saying that you wanted a boyfriend, then you had a hookup with a transsexual woman, and now you're stressed about how to talk with girls. You likely need to have some sessions with a professional to understand your feelings and how you reaction in situations like this, as it doesn't seemed to have gotten any better in the two years or so I've been here.

[turnera]

What you are describing is lack of self esteem.

 

You will never stop having these feelings until you get some therapy and do some work to learn to love yourself.

[happyfrank]

Best things happen when you least expect it. I would recommend just don't care and just focus on making yourself happy first. Invite her somewhere cool as friends if she doesn't accept invite. Whocares she didn't have the honor of hanging out with you. Just make this girl a friend. Trust me if she gets feelings for you she will make the move!

[hexaemeron]

I'm with FathomFear. Are you struggling to understand your orientation?

[ATLstudent]

No not with orientation....i know who im after....not sure what as in context of a relationship.....but know in that moment she is my target of attraction. Its just the baggage outside of those feelings and yes my orientation may come into play.....but only in a way that pertains to self esteem......maybe i have doubts about my ability to have a relationship and keep a girl around when i have had a questioning past....and do have eccletic sexual taste. I KNOW SHE WAS MY FOCUS, SOURCE OF ATTRACTION AND AROUSAL IN THAT MOMENT.....now its just a matter of feeling safe and strong enough to go furthur with it....and not feel predoomed.

[turnera]

So what are you going to do about it? What are you doing to fix your self esteem?

[ATLstudent]

Work hard at school....stand up for myself....continue with therapy

[turnera]

Those are good, and you should be doing them, but what about CHANGING your life? Try something new - just one thing - each and every week. Go to a new store. Talk to someone new. Help someone on the street you see who needs help. Read a new book. Teach yourself a new hobby. ACCOMPLISH something. That's how you build self esteem.

[ATLstudent]

Thank you....for the building part. Its the most helpful and changing peace. It whats real and what i can change.

[MCXFactor]

I think you do relive the past in the sense that every time you've had these feelings outside of the feelings of who you have feelings for then this repeated and familiar mind set sets in every time you feel something positive like this and this is what makes you push it away. This discourages you that nothing good could happen. So you're unconscience tries to set in motion every time this happens. And hence is where the wall comes from. You should try to override those.

[MCXFactor]

Oh. And also. Every time the good feelings happen your mind interprets it as something bad's gonna happen. So your mind unconsciously pushes away.