aargh, this kind of thing keeps happening

[tacs1895]

Venting....

 

Planned to go see my friend B play a gig tonight, he's a mutual friend of me and my ex, M. Planned to go with a couple of my closest, oldest friends. Then this morning, get a group email from S, who is also a mutual friend, to lots of people including me, my ex, and other mutual friends, saying "who wants to go to B's gig tonight?". And then a couple of replies from people saying they'd like to go, including my ex. So now that I now she'll be there, I won't go.

 

And this kind of thing has happened a few times now, and is going to keep happening, because of our shared friends and the interconnected nature of the music scene that we're both part of. Now it's not the end of the world that I miss this particular gig, which is why I'll miss it in order to avoid seeing her. But dammit it's so annoying. She's not to blame for going, she had no idea I had plans already, but it's just so frustrating! Also because one of the realisations I'd had after breaking up was that I'd been relying on her for a lot of friendships, kind of living them through her a bit. So something I've realised that's important for my is to try to re-establish those friendships on my own terms a bit - which is why I'd planned to go to this gig, see my friend play, and go with a slightly different group of people. So it's like my own efforts to improve my own situation are thwarted by her presence. And instead, I miss out on seeing the gig, and even though I'll still see my other friends for a drink or something, I feel like I'm missing out on the gig, and seeing those other mutual friends who will now be there, who I don't get to see so much, but she does. There's nobody to blame, I can't blame those other people for going, after all I was invited too, it's not my ex's fault, she had no idea I was going, and even if she did I don't think it's reasonable that she should not go to something like that just for my sake, it's not her problem I guess. And yet I feel so annoyed that I have to live my life around her, choosing when to avoid her or when to deal with seeing her so I can do what I want to do. And this kind of situation will keep arising. So frustrating, I'm really pissed off!!!!!

[littlestar]

Stop blaming her or others. Just start living your own life regardless if she is around or not. Yes, it's difficult but you're going to have to come to terms with it.

[tacs1895]

Stop blaming her or others.

 

I'm not blaming her or others, I made that really clear! There isn't anyone to blame, nor would it make much difference if there was. But I'm still entitled to feel frustrated and angry at the situation.

 

Just start living your own life regardless if she is around or not. Yes, it's difficult but you're going to have to come to terms with it.

 

This part I agree with. But it's very hard. Particularly knowing in advance when she's going to be at things, because then I just get wound up anticipating seeing her. So part of me feels it's safer to stay away in this kind of situation, because I know that seeing more than I have to sets me back in getting over her.

[lemsip]

I had a similar issue a few weeks back where I thought my ex might be going to a gig I really wanted to go to. I was gutted that I gonna miss the gig, but I know it woulda messed me up big time to see her, especially if she was with her new guy. In the end I found out she wasn't going so I went. But the moral is the same: if you know for def she's going, stay away. It won't always be like this (I keep telling myself) but I hear you when you say it's a pain in the ass...

[LaKings55]

I'm actually thankful that I was cut out of my ex's life and all of our mutual friends. It really showed me who my real friends were, and though I now lack a large social circle, I still have a good time, and I don't have to worry about seeing her. My ex is the type that despite her initiating the end of the relationship, and dating an abusive older man before me, she went around painting me as a jerk, because I spoke my mind when we broke up. So, her family and friends were presented with a negative, accusatory view of me, though I'm sure that they see right through it. The only thing I wish they knew is that she told me after almost a year together "I don't have time for a relationship," and then started seeing someone else right after me. I'm sure she left that little detail out in her lies. I like to call her the "eternal victim." She wants to be used and abused, so she can have sympathy and pity. I treated her as a partner, a friend, someone I loved, and I did my best to not be clingy or overly affectionate. I never once hit her like the guy before me did (I don't hit women) curse her out, or use her in anyway. I opened my heart to her, something I have struggled to do in the past, and I got rejection and hate for it. So, I'm glad I don't have to deal with her, even though I still struggle with the lack of closure and answers I'll never get.

[Matt_P]

I can sympathise with this one a lot, tacs. My ex (actually two exes ago, but the one i can't get over), shares almost all of the same friends as me. It means that any 'big' friend event that happens will involve us both being invited, because our friends don't want to make the decision. I found it too hard to begin with. For the 6-7 months after breaking up, i avoided going whenever i could. I look back and thank myself for doing that, because the times I did go, I just came home really upset because I wasn't over her.

 

I'm still not 100% recovered or over her, but I now go to anything we're both invited to and we get along great. We just don't speak the rest of the time. And that's fine!

 

I'd recommend the latter if you're half-way over her. You'll get used to her being there, it might help get over her and begin to knock the last few nails in. It'll also stop the feeling that you're missing out all the time. Because why do you deserve to miss out? You don't!

[tacs1895]

I'd recommend the latter if you're half-way over her. You'll get used to her being there, it might help get over her and begin to knock the last few nails in. It'll also stop the feeling that you're missing out all the time. Because why do you deserve to miss out? You don't!

 

I know that this is the next stage I need to get to, and that I don't deserve to miss out indefinitely. I'm just not quite strong enough. I have done some of the things which I really didn't want to miss out on, but that's also stirred up feelings and slowed down the process of getting over her (check my long thread about being away with her for a week recently...). It's such a balancing act, and I feel like every time something comes up I have to make the decision all over again, which in itself is draining, weighing up the costs of missing out versus the costs of seeing her. It all just feels a bit cyclical, when I keep having to think should I go this time? am I over her enough that I can deal with being around her? how pissed off will I be to miss out? will seeing her set me back further? I wish seeing her didn't still affect me so much, then I could just get on with things a bit more, but it's still very hard right now.

[Matt_P]

And it will be hard for a very long time. Especially if you care for her. That's a particularly hard mindset to get out of while still seeing her.

 

Think of it like this though: Instead of assuming it will be a setback every time you see her, use it as a way to test how far you are in getting over her. Your feelings may never completely disappear, but could subside to a very manageable level.

 

Try to stay positive and live your life for you and not for her. You need to see your friends as much as possible. Your life needs re-built somewhat and you are the one in complete control of that. If you don't sort it, no-one else is going to for you. Start making arrangements with these friends, things you don't need to invite her to. Just little trips to bars, concerts, picnics, anything like that. Fun stuff. Just do it for you and don't overthink it too much.

 

You really deserve to live care-free. No time more so than now: post break-up.

[tacs1895]

Thanks, these are kind words, sensible advice and thoughtfully expressed. Appreciate it.

 

I do still care for her, and it is hard to get away from that. But I like your suggestion of using it as a way of measuring how I'm over it. I also agree about making the effort with friends, which I have already been doing somewhat. Not overthinking it is also very good advice, I think I've been attaching quite a lot of significance to every little event or meeting, or non-meeting, it makes sense just to set up those little things with friends without allowing them to become a big deal just because of my ex being there, or not, or whatever. Better just to let them happen as they happen.

 

And your point about "no time more so than now" is so true. Certainly post break-up is when you do need to make the most of the good things in your life, and yet it's something I've struggled with massively, trying to find this balance of friends vs. space from ex. Trying to find my way through this has been such an enormous struggle and stress for me because of how closely our lives are/were intertwined. Got a long way to go, I'm still working my way out, but your advice is pretty spot on I think, and helpful.

[tacs1895]

Update.... still struggling.... Have been mostly quite low. Have had one rehearsal earlier this week where I saw here. All we exchanged were greetings and goodbyes. I didn't even look at her really the rest of the time. I made an effort to go for a drink with everyone after the rehearsal even though she was going too, this was the first time I'd done this as previously I'd always just avoided going in order to avoid her. So I guess it was good that I made myself go. Effectively I'm blanking and avoiding her the whole time we're around each other, it's not as petty as that sounds, but I don't like having to behave that way around her. She's much more friendly and would be up for casual chat, but I'm not just not ok with that. So I politely say hello and then try to ignore her for the rest of the time. I'm not doing it to piss her off, I'm doing it because I don't feel comfortable doing anything more than that, it's bad enough just being around her.

 

And then the rest of the time, I basically have far too much free time on my hands at the moment. I've made an effort to arrange things with friends, but feel like I've run out of people to catch up with. I also feel like it's me doing all the initiating, which is ok but a bit disheartening too in a way. I miss being part of a general group of friends who do things in a bunch a bit more often. I don't have a regular community of friends around me like I felt I used to. So as it is I just try to arrange things as I can, usual with just one or two other people at a time. I'm also not busy enough with work either, being a self-employed musician it's normal to get quiet periods like this, but right now they're not helpful. Normally I quite like these times and I embrace the extra time I have to myself for practice and other creative stuff, but because I'm so down at the moment I have very little motivation to do those things.

 

In the midst of this, there is some good stuff. I applied and have been accepted to study on a part time arts therapy course, one or two days a week. This is basically something really new for me, so I'm quite excited about it, it will be good do something so different and fresh, that has no associations at all with my ex or any other people, and where I can meet a bunch of new people too. Part of the problem I have now, struggling with my own music making, is that it's so tied up with my ex and the life we used to share together. She doesn't seem to have had much trouble disassociating those things, but for me, it's been hard for me to enjoy many things that I used to enjoy, because of the connection to her. Therefore this new course is completely free of that, which is a really good thing. Unfortunately the course doesn't actually start for another month yet, so I'm now quite impatient to get going with it! So I need to find a way to make the next few weeks bearable.

 

Incidentally, I found out about the course through someone I met at a dance class which I took up since the breakup. So I have been making an effort to do new stuff, see?!? But nonetheless, when I'm alone (which is too much of the time), I do still keep coming back to the sadness of the breakup. I feel like I've been trying so hard to do new things and build a new life for myself, but it's a struggle, and even though I've been making that effort, I still find myself struggling with the breakup. And that in itself is a source of frustration, the fact that I've been doing as much as I can to get over this, and yet I'm still stuck in this place. The same unanswered and unexplainable questions still linger, I miss my ex very much and find it very hard to cope. And see her weekly or more, for music stuff, just makes it very very hard to get past that.