Was I Used?

[flutterby]

I met this guy through some friends who set us up and we hit it off great. I am 19 and he is 25. He just recently got out of a 4 year realtionship. He was very attentive right off the bat with a few phone calls a day and taking me to dinner and also making future dates such as a company picnic he wanted to take me to in September. About a week after we started seeing each other he told me that his ex came by his job to get his last months share of the rent. He no longer lives with her, and he told me that he just wanted me to know that he doesnt want me to think that they are still having sex because they are not and that was the first time he has ever seen her that he felt absolutly nothing for her at all and that he was so excited about this that he bought a beer to celebrate when he got home to his new roommate. I met his parents and he met mine and he went to a concert with my Mom and I. I thought he was so sweet and so different from other guys that I have met and we ended up having sex, probably too soon. After this I started thinking that maybe he was just on the rebound and so I asked him in a text message where I stood with him causeI didnt want to be just helping him get over the ex. He took a couple of days to answer me although we were still talking to each other, maybe he just couldnt find the right timing to answer or needed to think awhile. Anyway he finally told me that he was in it for real and that he wasnt out to just see what he could get. He also said that he wanted a relationship eventually but wanted to get to know me better. We didnt get to see each other for about 3 days after this due to our work schedules, but i did see him for just a few minutes Friday night and he kissed me and everything seemed fine. We had plans to go to the zoo together on Sunday. He went out with a bunch of friends on Saturday night (I had to work) and Sunday he called to tell me that his nephew was sick (he was going to the zoo with us) and that he no longer wanted to go and he was going to go ahead and do something else with his brother instead and for me to call him later. I tried for 2 days to call with no answer which was very odd since he was always very attentive. I finally had to *67 my number to trick him into answering the darn phone and I asked him what the problem was, and he said that he just got out of a 4 year relationship and doesnt know what he wants right now but he thinks he just wants to have fun and it isnt fair to me to drag me along through it but he still wants to be friends. That was almost 2 weeks ago and I havent seen any effort on his part to be friends, I also havent seen him around town to see how he reacts either. But I left one of my sweatshirts at his house and have been trying to get it back and he wont return my calls. My question is do you think this sounds like it has relationship potential down the line somewhere or was i used? I kind of feel like either one is possible but am so confused. Guys just boggle my mind........

[Scout]

Unfortunately, I have no answer for you. I know some people will say, well, you were the rebound girl, but I've actually had guys pull stuff like this when it had been some time since their last relationship. There are some guys that really do come on very strong at the beginning, then back off and blow you off as soon as you ask them "is this for real?" And usually, they don't end up being relationship material down the road, I'm sorry to have to tell you.

 

I actually had a bad run of luck for a time where a couple of guys treated me like this, and I was talking to my mom about it. She gave me some good advice which I plan on following: I tend to idealize people when I first meet them, and if they are extra nice, I immediately decide they are really great, trustworthy, blah blah blah...my mom said I should reserve my judgement for at least six months, because it takes that long, yep THAT LONG, to really get an idea of someone's true colors. And if I have that attitude, I will be more reserved, and somehow give off signals that they gotta prove themselves to me...the ones that are for real will try and do this, the one's that aren't serious will usually bail pretty fast.

 

That's my take on your situation, and believe me, I sympathize with what you're probably feeling. It sucks when guys do this - and when girls do this to guys.

[Trojanmn2]

I would have to agree with Scout. You were the rebound girl. I know how much time was elasped from his relationship to him meeting you but he might have done you both a favor. Things between you two would have gotten a little deeper but fortunately things haven't gone too far. In his mind, he might have been picturing what he could have done to save his relationship, like the things he should have done with you. He probably knows in his mind now that there is a future with somebody else, even though its not with you as he has now decided. Be careful for people like that, believe me I was in position he was in but I didn't get too far ahead of myself. I was about to buckle down what I was feeling and take time to heal myself.

 

I would have to agree that it does take awhile to actually make a judgement call, but I believe there is no set time frame to actually make it. I also stand by to say it depends on 1st, yourself, the other person, you and that other persons relationship depending how close you are, to actually make that judgement call. For instance, me and person were friends for over a year and a half, and I thought we were the best of friends until he suddenly became two-faced because of a girl. I have also taken that same path but with another friend and his ex-girl. Nevertheless knowing somebody takes time, aka TRUST takes time. Know what I mean? Even though I give off the appearance to some as coming on too nice/strong or whatever, its not a front, its just me. I like being social, I like being friendly, but to a point. TRUSTING another person with many other things takes time.

 

I'm sorry for your situation with this guy, I would let him come to you, stop calling, or text msging him to try to get him to talk to you. Even though my style is different, as if I were in his position, I would make my mind up instead of putting a person, a person's feelings especially on hiatus. But let him come to you, if he ends up never calling again, I wouldn't worry about not knowing whether or not you were missing out. You got your answer. No guy playing games is worth any girls time, or vice versa. You have your things to do, he has his. Feeling used, was probably not his intention, but i'm sorry to say, in reality, you were used. In any case, get your sweatshirt back, and let him come to you like I said, he's still on the rebound so things will take time, it depends on his situation in his mind, and how much you are willing to wait out for this guy if he is really worth it. Evaluate this and know what you want to do, worry about his feelings is 2nd to yours at this point.

[Scout]

I would have to agree with Scout. You were the rebound girl.

 

Just to clarify here a bit - actually, in my post I indicated that people might chalk this up to just being the "rebound girl" but I believe this is a behavioral tendency some people exhibit whether they are rebounding from a relationship or not. Yes, there is always a little extra likelihood of this type of thing happening if someone is just coming out of a relationship, but I also think people are capable of coming on strong in the beginning of a relationship and then pull back in many circumstances. I've had a long relationship with someone in the past who had just gotten out of a relationship right before we met.

[sisterlynch]

It is almost like an addiction. You get used to the fun of having this person in your life and if they are not moving forward at the same speed as you are, it is easy to get caught up in the excitement of being with them -- just for the sake of having someone there.

 

Once you are intimate, it is very hard to say, hey lets just be friends! You can try, but it may not be very successful.

 

Who knows, maybe he fell back in love with his old gf, you never really can tell. I wouldn't persue it anymore. Put off getting your sweatshirt for a while, then call up when he isn't expecting it and say you just wanted to get your sweatshirt that is all...

 

He will understand, don't worry.

[sayer7]

I don't think he was out to just use you to get over his ex, and he may not have even considered the relationship as a rebound relationship. He might've thought he was ready for something new. And he seems to respect you enough to tell you how he feels unlike some men... even though you might feel it was late in coming and you probably feel like you should've seen the writing on the wall if you'd just looked hard enough.

 

I don't think he meant to maliciously use you and hurt you.

 

Everyone goes through various stages of the healing process at their own speeds and perhaps in the beginning he thought he was healed enough, but then realized later he wasn't - he might be wavering between healing levels so to speak.

 

Since my break-up I've gone from feeling that everything was all better and completely ready to move on... but then sometimes there's something that reminds me of my ex like when I drive by a Krispy Kream donut shop and see the Hot Donuts Now sign on and remembering how we used to stop and get a donuts whenever we saw the red light glowing--- and I realize I still have some more healing to do even though overall I feel I'm getting over him quickly and smoothly.

 

He might just be going through the same kind of thing and needs time to heal still.

 

I would say give him time and try to step back from the relationship a bit and give him some breathing room because it seems he's feeling as though he needs some time to himself. Try not to think the worst of him, he's still healing.

[Trojanmn2]

lol get your sweater back asap, or it can serve as a reminder for him about you. Just a thought. But I'm sorry to categorize you as that, but in reality, you were the person, or at least the first person who he was involved since his ex. But I agree it could be a number of reasons for his actions. Take some time away and Good luck and best wishes.

[flutterby]

I really appreciate everyones advice. I love this place cause you can get both male and female views and above all else honesty, not just someone trying to make you feel better. You have made me see some things that I may have missed otherwise and I will try not take his actions so personally and just let it go and time will tell. BTW, saw him today on the road and he waved and no, I didnt flip him off, for those wondering. Thanks again for the input. You will probably be hearing a lot from me since it seems to be open season on my heart lately.

[sisterlynch]

Only flip him off if he flips you off first, otherwise it looks like you are "angry"...