A lot of advise but no one REALLY understands

[JAKESCHAIN]

My husband and I celebrated our nine yr anniversary last Thurs. I have known for yrs about his same sex issues and his gay tendencies. I have been told by friends that I should leave him.

 

We have two very young children involved. I have read all the laws, regulations, etc for divorce. But I don't feel it is right for me. I really want to make things work. But I want to honor my kids and myself as well. I have needs too that are not being met. It isn't that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't completely fulfill me~because he doesn't feel as passionately about me as i do him. I AM NOT A FAT COW, I am not unattractive. He just prefers men. How can you compete with that?

 

Will I ever be happy? Am I cheating myself or my kids?

 

I have no hope that I will ever find someone who will treat me right or cherish me. I deserve to have someone feel about me as my husband feels about his lover. PASSION, SOUL MATE, CHERISH, completely in love.

 

Where can I go for resources to help me?

[Scout]

I am nervous about posting any advice to your post because of your topic's title - "A Lot of Advice, But No One Understands". Do you really want advice, and will you be able to handle it if it's not what you want to hear?

[JAKESCHAIN]

I am nervous about posting any advice to your post because of your topic's title - "A Lot of Advice, But No One Understands". Do you really want advice, and will you be able to handle it if it's not what you want to hear?

 

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The advice I hear now is from a small circle of friends at work. I don't believe in divorce, at all. I lived through the wake of my grandparents divorce under similar circumstances and it brought nothing but pain for everyone involved, no matter the age.

 

I have heard of compromises between the couples in these circumstances. Living in separate "wings"....sharing the home with the other man....a warped version of 'threes company'.

 

I sincerely don't believe there are that many people out there who go through this. Or at least are willing to admit it. The support and resources for wives going through this is almost non-existant. A Christian perspective is to get out now, I have a right, but what about love, and fighting to make it work?

 

My husband wants to change. He has never, nor does he choose to be the way he is. It just happens. I have done my research...and that is a fact. I want to remain with him. To see him through his battle. No matter what.

[Scout]

Well, you didn't really answer my question, but you did give me an idea of the advise you have already received. Unfortunately, for what you really want to occur, I don't have any advice to give you to make it happen: namely, that you can see your husband win "his battle". You said you've done a lot of research, so you probably realize most people can't change their sexual preferences. I don't know of a way you can change his, at all.

 

Regarding staying together - I guess you just have to figure out if it will cause you and most importantly, your children, more pain if you stay together, or more pain if you live separately. Only you know the answer to that, we can't help you there.

 

It's a sad situation for sure. Obviously, you have a lot of love for your husband, and he's a dear friend to you as well. I guess I can only say that there may not be an "answer" right now - but I do suggest you two keep communicating, and somehow find the answer together, eventually.

[Scout]

Oh, one more thing...have you ever seen the movie "Far from Heaven", starring Julianne Moore? It's about a woman going through exactly what you are experiencing. It's very interesting, and well-acted, you should rent it sometime. Also, have you gone to any Christian women's websites? They might have a support forum there that you could post your concerns on, too.

[mscolly]

A Christian perspective is to get out now, I have a right, but what about love, and fighting to make it work?

 

I don't think that's quite right. The christian perspective is abstinence for your husband (from other men, not from you). Here is where love and fighting to make it work come into the picture. Abstinence may never alter your husband's physical feelings for men, but it sure shows that his head and heart are with you. It's not easy (ask any catholic priest) but it is a courageous choice that your husband could make and you both would need a great deal of support from each other.

 

Someone that loves you despite the pain you cause them is a very special someone. No way could your husband be indifferent to that sort of love. Yours could be a very special marriage, very painful but very special.