Is She the One?

[pietro5266]

OK, this one is going to get me some crap, but hopefully some of it will be productive and helpful.

 

I am 45, in a relationship with a woman who is 29. The age difference, by itself, is not an issue for either of us. Both of us feel strongly about each other. We have a great connection, enjoy talking, bantering, and going out together. We have a good physical relationship. However (you knew this was coming), there are some issues, at least from my perspective.

 

I have two young, very energetic kids. I have to be very active when I have them (every other week), such as taking them swimming, to the park, YMCA, etc., as well as around the house. I also take them to video arcades, go-cart driving, and other kid activities. My girlfriend doesn't really seem interested in any of this stuff. She doesn't like to go out much, except to restaurants or shopping. She is overweight and isn't currently active. She keeps saying she's going to improve her diet, do more activity and start at a gym, but never really does much about it. (She's like this about many things, actually.) I am in pretty good shape these days, and work-out some; I also enjoy various sports. Again, my girlfriend doesn't do these things, currently.

 

You may be thinking that I'm vain and selfish regarding the weight issue. While I would certainly think she'd look better if she dropped some weight, I'm still very attracted to her. I'm much more concerned about what be an incompatibility in life-style between us, and that it would be hard to integrate her into my family life is she's not interested in being more active (she's not yet met them). I'm not looking for her to become an Olympic athlete -- I'm certainly not -- but I don't see things going well with my kids if she remains uninterested in these kinds of activities.

 

There are other lifestyle differences as well, such as interest in socializing, etc.

 

So, I have two questions:

> Can a relationship work where we are completely compatible mentally, but have major lifestyle interest differences?

> Is it reasonable to bring these things up for discussion, and can it be done without it sounding like a personal attack?

 

I'm really trying to decide if there's long-term potential here -- I'd like there to be. But I worry that "feelings" are just not enough, that the practical stuff has to be positive also -- especially when much of the practical stuff involves kids.

 

Opinions, critical or otherwise, requested.

[Kitkat973]

I think that you have some very valid worries.

 

Life-style is very important to think about for a long term relationship, and it sounds like that is what you are looking for. Nebulous maybes on getting into shape also rarely tend to materialize, unless there's an impetus to make them do so.

[1m50L0nl3y]

That's not being selfish. You have an interest for active healthy life. A woman with an interest in spending money, and keeping herself unhealthy while doing it, is not a good match.

Weight seems to be a factor here and also lack of interest in involving in family and recreational activities you enjoy. About weight is a very sensible spot to people who are overweight, so any realistic talking you do about it will be considered as "cruel".

It's hard to change someone, people change because they want and dislike when being forced to.

You met her already being overweight and inactive, so you either accept it, try to force it, or leave it. As for her not interested in your "father" aspect it goes the same way.

It seems cool to date a younger woman, but if her weight and life style is not what you would call ideal... it's pointless.

This could easily develop in you settling down with someone you don't find not even THAT attractive.

I always go for what it IS, not what could be if she lost weight, liked sports, liked this, or did that. You know this is not The One, but that MAYBE if she CHANGED and IMPROVED she COULD be.

So if that "connection" you both have is stronger than the above stated then try to overlook the cons. and keep in mind that as she gets older it can get worse in the event she keeps her love for shopping (and) food.

[Point5]

Theres nothing selfish about your post at all. You have some legit points that need to be brught up to her. Maybe instead of bringing up her weight, just tell her that you want to start incorporating her in your family activities because you want to spend your time with all your favorite people. If she seems uninterested now, than that likely wont change in the future and youll just have to decide if its worth it. But to be honest, if i was your kid than i probably wouldnt like her because if she couldnt spend that time with us than I would just think she dislikes me and isnt serious about her relationship with my father.

[top bloke]

Your kids are part of your life and if she wants you then she will have to accept them as well. I dont believe in the illusion of being in love but I do believe in loving a person for who they really are and not simply attraction even though attraction is very important.

If you are going to spend the rest of your life together then make sure you have common fundamental core ideas and values or you will head into big conflict later. Grab this problem by the neck and squeeze it for the truth to come out.

Real life needs real comitment and love to make it beautiful and that includes what you like ,do and your children.Good luck man

[catfeeder]

I think you understand that it only makes sense to base decisions on 'what is' rather than imaginary ideas about getting someone else to change. It's not useful to look at the realities with only half a mind while the other half projects ideal outcomes onto the future--and then expect to be able to make good decisions based that fantasy.

 

So I think you're smart for taking GF's actual lifestyle at face value, then looking clearly at how this will likely impact your future relationship with her. Sure, it would be great if she became healthy and energetic just as it would be great if she won the lottery--but frankly, if you're seeing a problem with the couch potato mentality and physical results of that now, the risks of this harming your relationship and your happiness are not likely to improve in time.

[pietro5266]

Thanks, y'all, for some great advice and insight.

 

I want to clarify one thing, which is very unclear in my original post. My girlfriend is interested in meeting my kids and interacting with them. My concern is that, given her lifestyle, it may be difficult to get her interested in the types of activities I do with my kids. I'm certainly interested in discussing this with her -- just looking for the best way to do this. Point5, you hit it exactly -- I want to merge my "two lives" into one, eventually, because it's way too difficult to manage more than one, and because I don't really want to be a "half-time" father.

 

I do realize that these were her characteristics when we started dating; at that time, I wasn't really thinking about the long-term -- I was interested in just dating again after my divorce; also, we really hit it off. I also realize that it's nearly impossible to get people to change, and that "nebulous maybe's" often go nowhere, and that hoping for "what could be if she changed" is not very realistic. Basically, I'm just trying to determine if there's a way to bridge this issue that has some potential for success, before deciding that I need to move on.

 

At the very least, I've finally identified that lifestyle is the issue that's affecting my feelings, and that I do need to address this directly and immediately. Again, thanks for all of your great input!

[pietro5266]

Just saw your post catfeeder. All very true, especially the analogy regarding the lottery.

 

I think part of the issue is that I've changed in positive ways over the last year or so, and have finally started making better, more mature life decisions, and that's why I'm now focused on whether she wants to do the same.

 

Objectively, I understand and agree with everything that everyone here is saying. But I feel I at least need to give it a shot, give her a chance, see if we can come to some consensus. I don't want to end an otherwise great relationship without giving it every chance.

[catfeeder]

[…] I want to clarify one thing, which is very unclear in my original post. My girlfriend is interested in meeting my kids and interacting with them. My concern is that, given her lifestyle, it may be difficult to get her interested in the types of activities I do with my kids. […]

 

You're looking at this backwards. This isn't about what's good for GF, it's about what's good for your kids.

 

Kids don't 'get' dating, they form attachments quickly. Their world is already torn up from your divorce, and so it makes no sense to compound that problem by teaching them that adult relationships are disposable. Why set them up for instability, competition and a potential need to deal with your sexuality at a time when they're growing into their own? That's a lot of stuff to heap on kids who just want their time with their father to be a constant source of security and stability--THEIR time with their father that they can count on, without contamination.

 

So this isn't about integrating ANY girlfriend into the lives of your children unless and until you're crystal clear that this is the woman you'll want to keep forever in your life. If you're not absolutely sure about that, then don't even go there.

[pietro5266]

catfeeder, I understand and agree with what you're saying completely. I am extremely cautious where my kids are concerned, with regard to my dating. They have never yet met anyone I've dated, nor do I discuss my dating life with them. If they ask me questions, I answer honestly but ambiguously. I do not involve them in adult matters of any kind -- especially anything having to do with my sexuality!.

 

I have no illusions that kids are just dying to have step-parents, and I know people who unfortunately do have that illusion. I would like to have a "significant other" in my life that I can introduce to my kids someday very slowly. I have been dating my girlfriend for a while, long enough to start thinking about whether I would feel comfortable introducing her to my kids at some point. I'm just at the "consideration" stage, not the actual "doing" stage. And in considering this, I realized some of the issues that inspired me to create this thread.

 

I consider my divorce, with regard to my kids, the worst thing I've done in my life. I am not looking to repeat that experience in any way within view of my kids, so the criteria are very high for me to allow a girlfriend of mine to meet them or be around them. As you said, it's not what's good for my girlfriend, but what's good for my kids. And if I determine that my girlfriend is not going to be someone who would fit well into the lives of my children, then that meeting will never take place. At this point, we're a long, long way from anything like that happening.

 

So, no need to worry that I'm going to be some arrogant, narcissistic jerk who only cares about his own needs and expects his children to "like it or else". I'm quite the opposite.

[catfeeder]

So, no need to worry that I'm going to be some arrogant, narcissistic jerk who only cares about his own needs and expects his children to "like it or else". I'm quite the opposite.

 

So glad to see this, and thanks for clarifying. Your kids are lucky to have a good Dad.

 

My best,

Cat