My story and some help needed.

[fiddie]

Before I get into my story I would like say that I have been lurking on these boards for the past couple weeks, seeing stories so similar to mine and the support everyone here give and gets helping me get through one of if not the toughest time in my life. THANK YOU ALL.

 

 

 

Now to my story. Girl and I met each other when we were young, still in high school, I was 18 and she 16. She was getting over her previous boyfriend at the time and it took me a while to convince her to date me. After we started dating we hit it off and were very compatible we enjoyed 5 years together until a point in at which I believe the problems started. *NOTE* I only see this as a problem in 20/20 hindsight.

 

The issue started when I was having trouble getting a job and was offered a job out of town (3 hours drive) from where we both lived, we both lived with our parent and had never lived together. I asked her if it was going to be an issue and told her that if it ever was an issue to tell me and I would move back to her as she is, no she WAS, the mot important thing in my life. She claimed it would not be an issue a we could till talk on the phone and I had 15 on and 6 off shifts where I would spend almost all of my time home with her in some capacity.

 

Fast forward six months, now July of this year, and I believe things are going swimmingly I am making good money and will more than likely have an opportunity to move home at the end of the year. We have both been talking about marriage and out future together for quite some time so I have been in the mindset that what she wants is me and to build a life with me. I am about to come home off of my 15 days off and am preparing to go ask her father for his permission to marry his daughter. I already have a ring picked out and after her father gave me his permission was going to purchase it. I come home to see her and notice something is off with her behaviour and this is where it gets interesting. She tells me she wants to go to Australia to find out who she is. Now Girl has NEVER mentioned anything about travelling before and has been a home body her entire life. I get frustrated at this sudden change of plans and go home to think about it. I am a pretty reasonable person especially when it came to her I would do anything for her so I reason with myself that if Girl need to do this then so be it i can survive for three months without her. So I go back over and let her know that if she wants to go to Australia for three months I can live with that. Girl's response "Well I don't know how long I'd want to go for". At this point I know there i something else going on and I leave again angry. A little while later she calls me and tells me to come over and that everything will be ok I go over and spend the night, no intimacy just sleep, I know in my heart something is still wrong.

 

We wake up in the morning and go for a drive and he is unusually quiet and I say "Everything is not going to be ok is it?" Girl eventually tells me that "she is not sure if she loves me anymore", "needs some time to figure out who she is", "we have been together so long that she is not sure if her likes are her's or our's". I completely fall apart, I do the usual begging, telling her I will quit my job immediately and even drag her to a couple councillor. All of this proves to be fruitless. So we break up, in the couple days following she tells me she would like nothing more than too wind up feeling that she truly does love me but she needs to figure out who she is.

 

I go back to work for 15 days away from all of my family and friends and experience what is probably the hardest two weeks I have ever experienced and hope I nor anyone else ever has to experience anything like that EVER. I initiate a LC where I would not contact her but if she contacted me I would respond but it killed me even to talk to her knowing I couldn't have her. Those 15 days go by and a couple into my days off I write her a letter. Basic summary being "I forgive you for what you did, I don't know if we can ever be friends again but the possibility doesn't seam as remote as before" she sends me a text saying "Thank. And the forgiveness means more than you will ever know" . Another week goes by (now yesterday) and she contacts me via facebook essentially saying nothing and I text her back asking why she would contact me if she has nothing to say. She tells me she wanted to see how I was doing and at this point I initiate NC I tell her I will be deleting her from facebook and ask her not to contact me via the phone unless it is an emergency. She gets angry tells me that deleting her from facebook is low and deletes me first saying "I saved you the time". She tells me that I am driving a divide between us and making the situation awkward for our mutual friends. I know this is bull and I felt really good afterwards feeling like I have taken another step towards getting over her.

 

Today is I am wondering if I did the right thing? If I ruined any chance of getting back with her? I am not in a very good place today and it is taking all my restraint not to call her. Please lend me a hand. Give me opinions on the situation, give me advice, let me know if i have done the right things. Ultimately I want my life to be with her but I don't want to wait 3 months to find out she truly doesn't love me what should I do?

 

Thank you for reading all of this and being the kind, considerate people you are. I am going for a run to stay away from my phone I hope to have some wise words when I get back.

[RitaTrue]

Hi Fiddie,

 

First off, welcome to ENA. You'll find LOTS of support here. It's very encouraging.

 

 

YES. You did the right thing! She was starting to feed you breadcrumbs, and she knows it. Thats why she gave you a load of b.s. about being awkward with mutual friends. NC is the best thing you can do. And I wish I had done it sooner myself.

 

As far as salvaging any friendship, it depends. It depends on how good of friends you were before the relationship. And how bad the break up was itself. However, I will say this, if you both truly are good friends, mutually, then even after NC and healing, your friendship will continue. If that's what you both decide.

 

To me, even though she's hurt, she still wants to control the situation in her own way: 1) For instance, her wanting to keep "friendship" contact when you've told her you need to heal---is a sign of selfishiness. 2) Also, dont you find it a little odd, that after saying that NC was "a diving wedge between you and your mutual friends" that she goes and does it herself? She's just mad that you're wanting to move on without her. She's mad that even though SHE DUMPED YOU, that you're still choosing to MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. She's not focusing on you, or how you're trying to help yourself. She's focused on HERSELF. 3) She's using you. By giving you breadcrumbs, she's still trying to gauge your feelings for her, the dumper, which is why she went ape * * * * and unfriended you, when you said you wanted to take steps TO HEAL YOURSELF WITHOUT HER.

 

Furthermore, Fiddie, you say you want to be with her. But, getting back with her, right now, solves nothing. Whatever she's wrestling with--which she's saying is an identity crisis? trying to find out who she is?---is still unresolved. Which means that if this is actually the reason she's breaking-up with you, you'll more than likely re-break up until she does some growing up and figuring out what she wants. Actually, this happening is a blessing in disguise for you. You want to marry someone who knows who they are. Having no identity can actually wrecks a marriage.

 

Also, one more penny for your thoughts: if she loves you, you will know. She'll be back. In one way, or another. It may not be 3 months. It may not be 6 months. Or a year. But if she loves you, she'll try to reconnect--in a more sincere way.

 

But, as far as you, you shouldnt worry about that now. You should moreso focus on rebuilding yourself. And staying clear of her. NC is the best thing you can do right now for yourself.

 

Good luck Fiddie,

Rita

[fiddie]

Thanks for the kinda words Rita. It has been a tough month I believe I am doing the right things but this is my first major break-up and it is very hard on me.

 

I don't want to want her anymore unfortunatley I do, I guess I will just have to move on and get over her and if she decides to come back at some point then we can talk.