From 4-year relationship to LDR...Update and need advice

[friendly_fairy]

Hi there,

 

As mentioned in my previous thread, I have recently had to go long-distance with my boyfriend of 4 years.

I have now been to visit him for a month and a half in the summer, and things are still mostly okay, but since I returned, a lot of long-standing jealousy issues and depression have re-surfaced on my part.

 

To clarify where I'm coming from: I have long since had jealousy issues because my second boyfriend cheated on me three times in a row, which, for quite a while, led me to doubt that I could ever be in a relationship again. I then met a guy on the internet shortly before I moved from Europe to the States (in 2006). Sadly, I discovered that we didn't have much in common when we met in person. I dated this guy for almost a year, though, because I thought we could try to make it work. Since my jealousy issues were already running rampant, however, the real reason we broke up was because he refused to give up his porn collection. True story - he would have never been unfaithful. He just didn't want to quit porn.

 

I then got with my current boyfriend and things were great, but my jealousy issues didn't get any better. I did whatever I could to be with him 24/7 and was afraid that he might cheat on me whenever he just wanted a few days to himself.

I wouldn't let him hang out with any girls unless I was right there with him and somewhere in the back of my mind, I still suspect his all-single best friends to talk him into cheating on me with any girl that happens to be around.

 

The biggest reason that we've lasted so long, however, was that he has been so persistent and that he really wants to help me in overcoming this problem. Even now, after 4 years of me being this insecure, he still doesn't want to break up and believes me when I say that I trust him (and I do, now).

 

I've since tried my very best to recover from my constant jealousy and the rather serious depression that is now deeply interwoven with it. I have even talked to the head nurse at my doctor's office, who strongly recommended Prozac. Unfortunately, I had to quit it after just 4 days due to not being able to handle the side effects (I'm rather tiny, so everything (caffeine, alcohol, drugs) affects me much more than the average person). I was on the "up", though, before I quit it due to additional exercise and meditation. Now it seems like everything is back to the way it was before, no matter what I try.

 

In addition, my boyfriend, whom I normally talk to twice a day for at least an hour at a time, has suddenly become busy with all sorts of random things and won't contact me regularly, anymore or not be online when he says he will. For clarification, he's on the US East coast, I'm in England. His behavior is very unusual, since he would normally contact me every day. I have begun initiating contact more since, and he's withdrawn. He, however, keeps denying that he is avoiding me and cites various reasons for being busy.

I really don't think he's cheating on me, since he is extremely picky when it comes to women and has often said that not only would he never hurt me, but would probably feel even worse himself if he ever cheated.

Since he has begun to be so withdrawn (a little over a week ago), I've questioned him about it, since the number one rule in our relationship is that we talk about everything (he established that rule, not me). He says that he doesn't love me any less, that there is no problem, and claims that he isn't avoiding me and wonders why I would think such a thing.

 

I have, however, become extremely weary and easily aggravated and don't really know what to think anymore.

This whole thing is starting to seriously affect my health and virtually every other aspect in my life.

 

I would at least try to come accross a little bit more calm and self-assured. I just don't know how to do it.

 

Can anyone give some advice?

 

Thanks. It's highly appreciated as always.

 

 

P.S.: We have talked about marriage again, since. I at least now have the consolation that my boyfriend would consider marrying me, but just thinks he's too young for marriage, now (and is confident that his way of thinking in that regard will change in the next few years.)

[Mystery Enigma]

Jealousy is incredibly unhealthy for you and your relationship. Has he given you any reason not to trust him in 4 years?

 

I recently got manipulated and lied to by an LDR because I was a nice guy who wanted to help. I learned from the experience and will remember it for the rest of my life. However, I'm not going to associate the entire gender and think that all women are liars and use me.

 

You shouldn't associate your boyfriend with an ex who was a scumbag.

[giubilante]

Trust is a difficult thing, especially when it has been broken in the past. Still, have you ever caught your boyfriend lying to you in the past? Has he ever shown any inklings of wanting to be out of the relationship with you? If not, I doubt you have to worry, and you should choose to take him at his word regarding his feelings for you.

 

But, regarding your depression. Believe me, depression IS treatable, and just because you had a reaction to one drug doesn't mean you will react to them all! There are many different types of anti-depressants which affect the body in different ways. I would strongly recommend you go back to your doctor and discuss other possibilities. As someone who has been depressed, and has been medicated for it, I can say that the effort is DEFINITELY worth it.

[friendly_fairy]

As far as the depression is concerned, I seem to be getting it under control by taking both St. John's Wort and 5-HTP on a daily basis. I've been trying to stay away from any chemical anti-depressants since I've had such bad experiences with Prozac.

 

On the jealousy-front, I'm beginning to wonder how closely it is related to my depression, since sometimes it just crops up out of nowhere - completely unannounced and practically overnight. Of course, my boyfriend being withdrawn lately doesn't help at all. He has been acting very hot and cold lately.

Yesterday, for example, we had a lovely conversation and I went to bed the happiest I had been in ages. Then this morning, we had a misunderstanding and I'm beginning to question his honesty, again. When I see him on Skype lately, I get a strong feeling that he is lying to me about things he did the night before (he's been working on a lot of 'projects' lately and he's been meeting with a number of friends, while he normally meets with just one). His body language when he tells me what he was busy with seems to point to the classical lying signs - most frequently, he looks up and to the right, faces towards the door, occasionally, looks down, plays with something on his desk, and scratches his face, his nose in particular.

However, the thing that perplexes me the most is that I have positive proof about his meetings with his friends as the friends themselves post them as events or notifications on Facebook or Google+. And there are usually photos of them at the place where my boyfriend says they would be. This, also, would not be the first time that I suspect my boyfriend of lying. I hear that I should trust my gut feeling about these things, but since there is too much evidence to support what he's saying, I can only suspect that my gut feeling is lying to me. Has this jealousy and insecurity gone on for long enough that I have actually created a reality in my head that doesn't exist? And where does it stop?

 

Since this has become worse, I have even accused my own mother and sister of lying and trying to avoid me. I recently was hired on by a modeling agency and even in that case, I suspected that they just wanted to get my money and were lying to me to get it. Somehow, this vicious circle has to stop, I just don't know what to do.

[giubilante]

I think it's time you started seeing a therapist to talk through this in more detail. As you've said, your issue isn't just with one person, it's with a lot of people who are very close to you (or not, in the case of the modelling agency). You are in a very unhealthy and vicious circle and, until you get concrete proof to the contrary, assume that you are simply being paranoid and that your family and boyfriend ARE on your side and ARE trying to help. I don't think you can afford to alienate the people close to you at this point, especially if things are going from bad to worse.

 

St John's Wart and 5 HTP are known to help very mild depression, but there are often chemical imbalances that are simply too serious for them to solve. I've had bad reactions to medications in the past too, but have persevered. Eventually, with a supportive doctor, you can find something that suits YOU and your body.