My Turn :)

[CMS]

Anyway Seth, back to topic, I think you really need to walk away. Treat her like just a colleague, polite and professional when dealing with and go your separate ways after work. This limbo is not helping you at the slightest, she made the choice, its time to respect it, move on and focus on yourself.

[SethSLC]

I really like the direction this is heading. Don't get me wrong, 2..2 1/2 weeks ago when she told me all this I ended the conversation with "Ok, cool. You have my number" and haven't spoken with her at all since then. Nothing more than polite, but short and to the point responses if asked anything directly at work. Even at a concert she showed up to that I was at with my (our?) friends last week I just acted like she wasn't there. (Fake it til you make it). So it hasn't been like I wasn't already doing the basics.

 

All this good advice though, while not giving a whole new perspective, for sure puts it new light which is great. For the most part, ya I'm not an * * * * * * * if I like the person (though I am if I don't), but I get the neediness thing. I had been feeling that from myself for a little while now, which is the main reason I came back here and started posting to ask for advice to get my head back on straight. I'm not there yet I'm sure, but I'll keep re-reading the advice so far every so often as a reminder, and any future advice is more than welcome and greatly appreciated because it's the "how to pull away when I have to see her constantly in close quarters" that seems to always throw me for a loop.

[endy]

Pretty simple with NC at work. You discuss work related issues and that's it. If she brings up something personal leave it short and sweet. Say I really don't think we should discuss that at work or otherwise given the situation. It's not being a * * * * . She told you what she wanted, you're going to have boundaries now because of it and she will respect that in the long run. I agree though I would definitely have issues with that as well.

[SethSLC]

Pretty simple with NC at work. You discuss work related issues and that's it. If she brings up something personal leave it short and sweet. Say I really don't think we should discuss that at work or otherwise given the situation. It's not being a * * * * . She told you what she wanted, you're going to have boundaries now because of it and she will respect that in the long run. I agree though I would definitely have issues with that as well.

 

Right I mean it isn't easy by any stretch having her like 20 feet away all the damn time, but she asked for space and so far I've given it. All the mess that's still in my head is just that...in my head. I don't think I've given off any clue outwardly to her in body language or anything that it sucks for me at times.

[SethSLC]

Just venting...

 

So I have attempted to follow some of the advice here for the past 3 weeks or so and I'm not sure about the results. At work, and outside of work when she would show up to the stuff I went to with my (our) friends, I presented my slightly cocky, happy go-lucky, confident self while doing my best to treat her like one of my kid sisters. Teasing her sometimes, and she in turn would tease a little back.

 

Anyways lo and behold some of us walked to lunch at work last Friday and apparently during the course of lunch I teased her about being "squishy" or soft. I can't remember the specifics, but I remember saying something, but it was nothing that I don't do amongst all my friends and even worse back and forth between me and all my sisters. I mean the previous night at a concert with our friends she had told me I needed to get a jacket when I finish purchasing my new motorcycle because it gets cold riding and I'm apparently too anorexic (she knows I am sensitive when she teases me for being too skinny) so I figured it wasn't any big deal. * * * for Tat ya know?

 

Well later that day (Friday) I noticed she was kinda colder towards me than usual so I asked her what was up. She says "I'm going to be really blunt with you. I missed you right up until lunch when you called me squishy" Well that sucked. I had been doing pretty good these past 3 weeks at starting to close the door, at reawakening my "false anger" towards her in order to get over her. Then she goes and starts a conversation that says she had been missing me and gets right back in my head.

 

So I responded by telling her that I had been missing her as well, but I've been doing my best to try and get over her. To forget her. That she had thrown me away too easily too many times, and that I'm way too good of a catch to keep going through that cycle. That I hadn't meant what I said and it was just teasing. She told me that she never had siblings, her siblings were books and books don't tease her so she doesn't like it at all when I do it to her. That she didn't throw me away, she put distance between us so that she can figure out how to make herself happy first. I apologized for insinuating she was soft, and told her I wouldn't do it anymore.

 

So this starts and all weekend that whole "I missed you until you called me soft" thing had really gotten in my head which has made this week suck. I feel like I've lost all that stuff I gained in order to convince myself I didn't want her. Then yesterday comes and she drops another load on me. Monday was fine, seemed to have moved past Fridays conversation, and then yesterday she was again acting like and treating me like she was pissed at me. So I said why are you angry? (cause I didn't do anything or say anything this time) And she says "I can't deal with emotions today. I just had a guy dump all his on me and tell me he loves me and I can't deal with it." Then she's telling me how no one should love her because she isn't what people keep describing her as. But the part that really got to me was she finally just yelled at me...

 

"God * * * * ing damit Seth!! I * * * * ing love you and can't stand you at the same time! I can't figure it out." I was like welcome to my world. It sucks and is miserable at times. Then she said that she cares more about how I see her and what I think of her than anyone else and she hates it. Said my comment last Friday really hurt. So again I apologized, but got defensive and was like look, you hurt me more than anyone else has and you know me and I would NEVER have put up with this from anyone. I can't figure out why I am with you. She said she was hurt "during" the relationship, but that I was only hurt "after" implying it wasn't on the same level...

 

That really got me sort of riled up and I told her "Look, you know me better than anyone except my brother. But all the stuff you thought I felt, or thought I thought about you, or how I really saw you is wrong. You think you've got it all pegged, and that you suffered so terribly because I'm some sort of villain in your story, but the reality wasn't anywhere near that." At which point she responded that that was a huge revelation and was going to take time to process.

 

So yeah... Just venting mostly I guess. Will continue to try and focus on the fact that she said some guy told her he's in love with her and use it as fuel to bury how I feel about her and go back to being the " * * * * * * * " (minus any kind of teasing her about her weight, which she's fit, healthy, and thin BTW which is why I teased because I didn't see how anyone could take it as truth) like was suggested and seemed to do ... something?

[SeekFortitude]

Just a quick observation; she seems to enjoy taking the road as the victim. And because you called her squishy means all her feelings vanished? Cmon! Don't let that silly talk get to you. She clearly still likes you but seems extremely insecure. Do you think she has abandonment issues and is trying to get out of the relationship before you would eventually do so? She seems scared of something. Has she had major disappoints before ie a lot of baggage that she never got over?

[WeightOffChest]

Women will test you to see if you're truly an alpha male. They get emotional whether by being affectionate towards you or being hostile and offended. They want to throw you off your game to see if you're really up to snuff. Stay strong and don't fail her tests.

 

Listen, I've called girls worse things than "squishy", and when they get mad, I don't budge. I'm never apologetic, but I do feel sorry that they feel that way. I don't apologize for my actions, only that the person's reaction was poor. And that's what you need to convey. "Listen, I'm sorry that you feel bad when I said you were 'squishy', but I didn't mean to offend you. While it's nice to know that you love and miss me, know that it doesn't have to change because I said something like that. In fact, you can still love and miss me because I'm awesome. Besides, I love squishy things. Spongebob is squishy, and I freaking love that show because it's awesome like me. So if anything, you should take it as a compliment, Squishy. "

 

Remember, you can't control her reactions to things you do. If she's mad at you for whatever reason, she'll always be mad because she's able to find a reason. But don't start changing your attitude to suit her feelings. You should do whatever you want to do, and if she doesn't like it, tough luck for her. Chances are though, if she wanted to be with you at all, she'll follow suit. She'll be drawn to that cocky, confident attitude and will be happy that you passed her test. Maintain her attraction, don't be too eager to please her, keep your emotions in check, and then you can begin to get her to come back to you. If you want a reconciliation, you can will it to happen, as long as you stay strong.

 

Don't regret anything you do. Never budge. Drink whiskey. Smoke cigars. Don't apologize for someone else's problems.

[mhowe]

While WOC's remarks maybe somewhat tongue-in-cheek, they are right. She is overreacting to a comment because her emotions are all over the place. Don't take it too personally. Having someone who she really isn't into tell her they love her has brought up some unresolved issues.....just give her plenty of space.

No more apologizing (especially as you've done it 2x for one offense!).....

[Georgia99]

It's great to see some humor from folks here - WOC, I'll take your advice on staying strong and drinking whiskey

[CMS]

Seth bro, that outburst of hers, its a test, women do that all the time, sometimes subconsciously to test you. I would wager 5 bucks that she saw your change, you are reverting back to the charming confident guy she fell in love with and tested you to see if its just a facade, or whatever other issue that caused her some insecurity and she was projecting it on you, and you failed the test.

 

Don't get thrown off course by her little tantrum, stay your course, show her that you are not affected by her little test. I would not necessarily recommend what WOC said, I would just have acted being amused by the outburst and said "I am glad you liked it, I like squishy things" and then walk away. You would be suprised how often they will apologize to you after about it.

 

Stay your course, learn to identify the tests next time and practice to be not affected by it.

[crushedlikefruit]

^^ This is gold IMO. As males, we often confuse women getting mad at us for 'us not being sensitive enough' and consequently walking on eggshells. I think the above post has hit the nail on the head. As long as you're not rude, simply brush it off and be secure whilst also making her feel secure that she didn't take it the way you meant it... all of this, without backing down. I think alot of these 'tests' are subconsciously designed to see how far they can push us to yield to their demands (get us to apologise, be sensitive...)... It's a messed up dynamic really, but the key IMO is building up so much confidence in yourself that you don't need her/their approval. DON'T be rude, but be playful and never apologise for it. It will take f*** loads of strength, determination and true confidence in yourself, but I bet the rewards at the end of it are fulfilling....

 

Now, if only I could tell myself this...

[snippot]

I just read through your thread and saw your latest developments. One thing jumped out at me here was this. It was not at all fair of her to say "I was missing you, until you effed it all up". That is so lame, and no doubt would mess with your head. If she really missed you, you would have known about it LOOOOONG before the squishy comment. So dont buy that load, and do not beat yourself up for it. What did that do? Well, it got you to immediately tell her you missed her too. Well guess what....all power back to her and you my friend are back at square 1. She managed to pull you out of your PRETENDING mode long enough for her to get what info she needed. That you missed her/wanted her and nothing has changed from day 1. Another excellent reason to be absolute NC.... no concerts, no going to lunch as friends...NOTHING. You can only do things to mess up right now, and nothing you can do (no matter how funny/cocky/teasing you think it is). It is not coming off that way to her. No matter how much we try, we cannot hide our underlying feelings....sure ACTING cocky and ACTING like you dont care....but the subconscious always manifests what is truly going on inside.

 

I hope my post insn't coming off offensive. These are the kinds of things that people on the outside can see, when you are embroiled in the middle of something. Just wanted to give my perspective...for what its worth.

 

Since it has been another 3 weeks do you think it might be time to consider hardcore NC? I was recently in a similar situation, and not until I shut off the whole "friends" thing she wanted, did I really start feeling better and moving on. That friends thing is a trap, and will keep you cycling as long as you try to keep it up.

[SethSLC]

Just a quick observation; she seems to enjoy taking the road as the victim. And because you called her squishy means all her feelings vanished? Cmon! Don't let that silly talk get to you. She clearly still likes you but seems extremely insecure. Do you think she has abandonment issues and is trying to get out of the relationship before you would eventually do so? She seems scared of something. Has she had major disappoints before ie a lot of baggage that she never got over?

 

You know I don't know. I know she had a rough teenage years, with a lot of super catty behavior from her friends. I know that she had one major relationship prior to ours and she left him when he proposed and they were about to start college. She's an only child, brought up in an incredibly strict household although very loving as well (Parents are often more like her best friends than her parents). I know that she was sexually assaulted in some fashion as a child by a friend of the family of sorts, though not raped. I know that she had an abortion just prior (5 months or so) to us meeting. She also has bi-polar, and has always continually said how much she hates emotions and feelings and dealing with them. She had commented to some of our friends (I found out after the breakup) that over the past year or 2 of the relationship she took my actions, or lack thereof to be honest, as a sign I wasn't attracted to her and was going to leave her. So that may be it.

[SethSLC]

Oh and don't get me wrong I wasn't beating myself up at all, and didn't think "Oh man if only I hadn't said X then she would miss me!". I did appologize twice for insinuating she was soft, but stopped apologizing for it after that.

 

@Snippet - You're right it is almost always impossible to see the car when you're inside it. I'm not trying to pretend to be like this, I'm actually trying to "be" like this again. Yes it's true that it isn't exactly being completely honest with how I might really feel about everything, but I figure as an attempt overcome those feelings, or leave them behind, you got to "Fake it til you Make it".

[Georgia99]

A friend of mine sent me this quote from a book today:

 

"I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

 

Pretty much my mind set right now - and I'm pretty sure everyone one of us here in this forum. I feel for everyone here who is trying to keep their chin up, trying to be strong, trying to have faith in their love. Good luck Seth!

[snippot]

Seth, I agree. But you can't be in her presence while you are still in the 'fake' it part. You have got to completely disappear during that phase, and not reappear until you truly do 'make' it. Otherwise she just gets to see a gradual progression that doesnt really stand out. PLUS you get the other added benefits that go with complete NC.

 

She has to heal on her own without your friendship

She will no doubt start really missing you.

You will be a complete mystery again.

You wont have to worry about 'squishy' comments or anything else.

 

It is so tough, but as it is said a million times on this board, sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Gotta cut her off 100% man!

[SethSLC]

Seth, I agree. But you can't be in her presence while you are still in the 'fake' it part. You have got to completely disappear during that phase, and not reappear until you truly do 'make' it. Otherwise she just gets to see a gradual progression that doesnt really stand out. PLUS you get the other added benefits that go with complete NC.

 

She has to heal on her own without your friendship

She will no doubt start really missing you.

You will be a complete mystery again.

You wont have to worry about 'squishy' comments or anything else.

 

It is so tough, but as it is said a million times on this board, sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Gotta cut her off 100% man!

 

Exactly what my goal is. What I'm working on doing. Not exactly perfect when we work together and when she shows up to outtings I have with friends, but all other times I'm attempting to disappear. When I can't is when I follow the other advice to the the quote unquote "A** hole".

[crushedlikefruit]

Seth, I agree. But you can't be in her presence while you are still in the 'fake' it part. You have got to completely disappear during that phase, and not reappear until you truly do 'make' it. Otherwise she just gets to see a gradual progression that doesnt really stand out. PLUS you get the other added benefits that go with complete NC.

 

She has to heal on her own without your friendship

She will no doubt start really missing you.

You will be a complete mystery again.

You wont have to worry about 'squishy' comments or anything else.

 

It is so tough, but as it is said a million times on this board, sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Gotta cut her off 100% man!

 

 

^^^ This.

 

This is turning into an excellent thread.... 'Subscribe to thread'

[22n32]

seth.. ive read your posts over the yr..

 

Im in a similar situtaion.. me and the ex have been dating for 2yrs.. she is 23 meet her at 21... she broke up with me at the beginning of the yr after 1yr together.. her reasons was she is young wants to be free and explore.. she loved me i loved her.. our rel was very strong.. some small arguing just because were both stuborn put always got over it in minutes.. anyway we were broken up for about 2 months..

 

she came back to me, and our rel was better then ever.. more love, understanding, etc.. btw my ex had similar childhood like yours.. but just last week she started saying again she wants to be single see what else is outhere.. so we broke it off again..

 

i believe its a combo of them being young and wanting to see what else is outhere, and having hard time connected on an emotion level.. so they run. rather then just dealing with it.. my ex said the same thing i dont know, i dont know.. i love u and ur the perfect guy im just not ready for her words an adult rel..

 

so here i am dealing with it.. and i knew i would be, but part of me belived she would mature along with me and everything will work out..

[SethSLC]

It is difficult at times no doubt. Even more so I believe when someone has had what might be called a stunted growth cycle, so their world experiences lag behind the curve. Their emotional experiences lag behind the curve. This leads to issues like this when maybe one person in the relationship is further along in growing up into an adult both emotionally and through experience so that they are ready for a deeper relationship, while the other just isn't. There really isn't much we can do. Nothing we say or do will give them that growth or speed it up. So we are left with the more difficult of the hands to play and that is to let them go and do our best to try and put them behind us.

 

Easy enough in words, but difficult in actions. Especially if you still love the other person, but we don't really have another choice.

[22n32]

Yes actions and trying to move on is so difficult, but ultimutly its the best for both parties and a chance of every getting back together in a postive way... my ex and i dont feel we could postivly get back together for 2-6yrs.. when she feels she has completely explored her life as a single person, along the way if she dates tons of d-bags will make us look even better.. chances are for me to be around or happening are prob very slim..

 

Its sad because i often think about i know in my case, we were 2 peas in a pod, alike on everything.. but one thing pulling us apart is her age and her maturity level and life experince.. she just wasnt ready.. but other then that we were made for eachother.. its kinda sad and an eye opener. ive dated many girls in my life none have compared to her.. she was soppuse to be my wife, and she knew and told me that.. 2yrs together. but she wasnt ready. she needed to live her life without me. and i can understand and respect that.. and theres a chance she will meet someone along the way she clicks with and i will be a memory in the past.. thats why sooner we look out for US better will be off..

[SethSLC]

So I haven't talked to, and have avoided her at work, for the past week+ now. Yesterday I am getting ready to go get my football tickets for the student section (season passes) which we signed up for as a group of 2 earlier this summer when we were dating, and all of a sudden she starts IMing me about them. Asking if I've gotten them yet and can she go with me, and how we would have a good time at the game on Thursday.

 

It kind of caught me a little off guard. I have been working my mind over something fierce to convince it that she's completely done with me in order to stop being in love with her. You know, the usual stuff. I had assumed she didn't want anything to do with me so she wouldn't be even picking up her tickets let alone asking if we're going to be there together.

 

So today we talked about that just a little and we danced around certain subjects but she did come accross colder than she was a week ago. I mentioned that it might be strange to be at the game together, and uncomfortable and she offered to switch off tickets so that we could go every other game with a guest instead. I hesitated but then told her no, I would rather hang out with her at the game. So she says good we'll go to all the games together and have a good time.

 

I have a rough outline of how I'll act, but any last minute advice is always appreciated because so far this thread has helped a lot. I mean it wasn't until I started trying to follow a lot of the advice here that she did say she had been missing me. Though that's been a week now of hard NC, and in that time she has had some other guy tell her he loves her, and things seemed to have tapered off on that point.

 

I'm not after any kind of plan on how to get that back or anything, because she's "Still in the living and doing my own thing phase", but rather would simply like to put my best foot forward for myself.

[CMS]

I would still go with treating her like your bratty little sister route, be funny, a bit cocky and be totally indifferent to her. Watch out for more tests she will throw at you and do not stray this time and maintain that same attitude.

[SethSLC]

I would still go with treating her like your bratty little sister route, be funny, a bit cocky and be totally indifferent to her. Watch out for more tests she will throw at you and do not stray this time and maintain that same attitude.

 

Got it. That was my line of thinking (this time I'm not going to tease her about her body or looks though...once burned) What about flirting / hitting on other girls in front of her? Is that ok? I mean I don't want to watch her turn around and do the same in return though

[endy]

I wouldn't have personally went with her to any of the games. I understand you actually love this girl and want her back. However, just stop the game playing/ behavior changes altogether. Just be yourself, don't be emotional and play it cool. Don't look at her as your girlfriend or even potential girlfriend anymore because she's not. In fact, I would actually skip a few games and find someone else to date.

 

I really want you to examine that if your whole life came down to it, is chasing this girl worth it? Is giving your thoughts, emotions, and love to someone that isn't giving that back enough, acceptable or do you deserve better than that. I think you should have walked, and not gave in so easily. I understand you have a bond, but you are relying on each other still. She wants independence, and although she suggested you go to the games together, that could have also been seen as a test. See through the BS. She's making sure you're still available, and seth you still are by YOUR choice.

 

She put it out there and you gave in. I wouldn't do things like hit on other girls on purpose. Also what is this about some guy that LOVES her? Really? Is that not a red flag? Obviously she has been dating or talking to this guy. Dude, you're a good guy. I can tell you're very intelligent. I can tell you're a good person by the way you carry yourself. You deserve to wait for nobody, and IMO you deserve way better. You've been on here enough to tell other people when to walk completely away. You know a week of NC is not near enough time.