I'm Tired of Feeling This Way!

[ambitiousco]

I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for two and a half years. At first, he was everything I've ever wanted and wished for. He's extremely handsome, charismatic, intelligent, kind and compassionate, and an all around a great lover. He was everything I thought I wanted. About a year ago, we moved in together. Now, things are just hard.

 

To give some background, he had a liver transplant as a result of an autoimmune disease in 2005 (four years before I met him). When I met him he was healthy, strong and putting his life back together. He was active in sports, active in his social life and active with me. Over the last year, pretty much since he's moved in, he's been dealing with health issues stemming from the immunosuppressant’s he has to take so his body does not reject his new liver. These "side-effects" of the immunosuppressants are not life threatening, but do seem unpleasant. He is a lot more cranky (particularly when he is on painkillers), anti-social and just not really the person I fell in love with.

 

I'm trying my best to be supportive, but I have been dealing with some of life's curveballs myself. I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia recently and it causes me a lot of pain. Still, I deal with it. I'm still working toward my degree, I get up and go to work every day, I maintain our household, I care for my kids and him and although there are days it is hard to do, I try my best to still be the best self I can be. Conversely, my bf hasn't been working much, he sleeps nearly every chance he gets, and it seems he could really care less how I'm doing some days. We haven't had a proper date night in months.

 

Enter into the picture a man I dated briefly before I met my boyfriend...

 

This guy was not nearly as charismatic (when he didn't want to be), handsome, has a soft spot within him that I find endearing, but moody as can be sometimes. He too was an unbelievable lover. But, we had a relationship that seemed to be based more on sex than anything. Then again, that's how we met... shortly after my divorce, through a mutual friend, when I just needed to be spontaneous for once in my life. I think what mostly stopped us from ever developing a relationship was the fact that we were both fresh out of ones that had burned us. Although we decided not to continue on with seeing one another, there was always this bond of sorts and we decided to be friends. When his girlfriend got pregnant, I was invited to, and attended his baby shower. I've never seen a man in my life more excited to be a father. We would talk and check-in with one another from time to time to see how one another was doing. From time to time, this other guy and I would probably flirt more than we should have, via text or what have you. Seemingly harmless flirtation, but it would make me feel somewhat guilty. My current boyfriend knows we have a history and are friends.

 

Lately, however, I've been thinking about my "friend" a lot. He's no longer with his girlfriend so he's been wanting to talk to me more. It's very clear he's an active father in his daughter's life and that in some ways, she really completes him...

 

Here's what's getting me. I miss having fun with a man (my man), I miss dearly having somebody to talk to; talking to my boyfriend is like trying to have a conversation with the dog (he kind of looks at me blankly). I miss intimacy and passion. I never got the opportunity to have a relationship with my friend and I have no idea if we are really compatible. That being said, I do not want to end my current relationship and take that gamble for not only that reason, but also because I love my bf. (Even though it has been so hard to feel.)

 

Other things that get me are I don't know if my bf and I can ever make the family thing work. He does not get along with my children too well. Beyond his list of aforementioned wonderful attributes, I didn't mention he can be quite selfish and a bit of a know-it-all. He is a momma's boy to the "n"th degree. He has been his whole life. Spoiled. Silver-spoon type (total opposite childhood of me). God bless his mother for everything their family has been through when it comes to his health woes before I met him. As a mother, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to hear a doctor say "he may not make it through the night". Nonetheless, I can tell that my boyfriend wants me to be more of the "Oh poor baby" type woman in his life (his mom lives 2000mi from us now) and although I do from time to time, I also can not invest all of my time into taking care of him as I do have two children of my own, a full-time course load and five clients I'm juggling into my schedule so that I may be more flexible for my kids' schedules. My bf's mother actually told him and he told me (during an argument) that his mother said she likes me, that I'm "sweet and smart and talented", but I'm not "compassionate enough" of the things he's been through.

 

I don't know what to make of that, but I know my bf feels the same. I cook special dinners so that he can eat them, I have been buying special things for him so he can gain his weight back, I've missed work to attend doctor’s appointments, I'll gladly run and pick up any prescription he may need or just make a run to Jamba Juice for him if he so desires, I listen, I try to help, but I am not going to cater to him hand and foot, I'm not going to spend my entire weekend off (in which I get one or two a month at most) in bed with him watching ESPN. And it kills me that he agrees with his mother. What his mother doesn't realize is that when she looks at him she sees a boy, her boy, who went through something terrible and it was a miracle he made it through. When I look at him, I see a man, my man, who went through something terrible and was strong and healthy and gave great promise (when I met him).

 

To be honest, it's been so long I don't even remember who he was anymore really- unless I really try.

 

Now, I had mentioned that my bf's painkillers make him cranky. And they do. He can be such a spoiled brat and mean (like a two year old throwing a trantrum) when he wants to be. Not only to me, but to his friends, my children (which is - aghhhh!), and even strangers out in public. It's been a year of never knowing which man I'm going to get. Still, I try to be supportive and think "When he's better..."

 

Reintroduce my "friend"...

 

He's been IM'ing me more, texting more and I'm fighting with myself constantly to not come up with some reason to go and see him. It would be amazing to be able to sit down with a man after a long week's work and have a glass of wine, a beer (whatever), unwind and wash the week away. Particularly since it is summertime and, on my free days, I've been sitting at home. It would be awesome to be flirted with, felt like somebody was actually attracted to me, to be listened to about how MY life is going, etc... Sometimes I wonder if he would be nicer and better with my kids (considering he loves his daughter so much-- Oh, and kids on the whole, studied Early Childhood Development in school). Talk to somebody who understands that a full work week is trying.

 

It's hard being the strong person. I put all my physical issues aside and I'm fighting like crazy for my bf and I to have a stable life. I am the man and the woman of my house right now. I am the breadwinner, bread shopper, bread cooker and the cleanup crew. I am the car mechanic, household repair person, landscaping crew and finance manager. I am exhausted.

 

And I don't know what to do.

 

I'm not nearly as attracted to my boyfriend as I once was, but I try to tell myself that he's just sick right now. I'm missing feeling like none of the above mentioned people and just like a desirable woman. Since my boyfriend hasn't ever really been healthy since we’ve moved in together (in my house, btw), we never adjusted as a "family" and it's awkward for my poor kids so I don't even know now if he ever will or what to expect if he ever fully recovers again (or maybe this is how he'll be forever from now on since his immune system is so suppressed?).

 

Mostly, I'm tired of thinking that another man would be a better fit to me. I feel like I'm being unfair to my bf every time I catch myself daydreaming about the "what-if's".

 

Or am I being unfair to myself?