boyfriend for 3 years, still not in love, very confused!!

[aimagosti]

I have been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and we have been best friends. But I know he loves me so much more than I love him. Well I know i love him but i am not in love with him. For say, if he would talk to another girl i would not be jealous, it just doesnt bother me. I feel horrible because I am only 19 and i feel like the past three years ive been with a friend not a boyfriend. I have never cheated on him because i know how bad it would hurt him and he would NEVER cheat on me. I also didnt go away to college this Fall i am staying in Saint Louis and I am really regreting it because I know how many of my friends went away and I would meet so many new people. I just feel like I am way to young to be so tied down and I know I should explore whats out there, but I dont want to hurt him because he treats me like a queen but I know this relationship isnt fair to the both of us. I just want to know if anyone else is or has been in the same situation or if they just have some advice for me!!!!!THANKs

[Michael2]

Breakup with him before you really hurt him. Let him find someone that will value and love him for who he is.

 

It isnt you fault, but you are not treating him fairly at all

[Celadon]

Hi there. I also dated a guy I was not in love with, although I don't think we were as close as you are to your bf because my bf was away at school part of the time. Anyway, it killed me to break up with him but I had to. I was getting miserable.

 

I think one thing that will help is to know that he will be fine afterwards -- he really will be, after awhile. My ex went on to date a woman he really liked and who treated him well. I wasn't the one for him, and he wasn't the one for me. So it was better that we split up.

 

Don't let the guilt or fear hold you back. Act now, as gently but firmly as you can. Good luck.

[life_can_be_painful]

I think one thing that will help is to know that he will be fine afterwards -- he really will be, after awhile. My ex went on to date a woman he really liked and who treated him well. I wasn't the one for him, and he wasn't the one for me. So it was better that we split up.

 

Not necessarily so.

 

It took me 1 1/2 years to get over my gf and I'm still not completely fine. I'm now with a girlfriend who I love very much and treats me well, but that feeling of intense love isnt there like it was for the ex, and I still miss my ex and in many ways still think she was the right one for me, she was just too immature in her feelings and made a bad desicion which she cant change anymore.

 

Such is life

[Celadon]

Not necessarily so.

 

It took me 1 1/2 years to get over my gf and I'm still not completely fine. I'm now with a girlfriend who I love very much and treats me well, but that feeling of intense love isnt there like it was for the ex, and I still miss my ex and in many ways still think she was the right one for me, she was just too immature in her feelings and made a bad desicion which she cant change anymore.

 

Such is life

 

Alright, I accept that. I've also been in the same situation as you. So I know what it's like to have loved and lost. My ex sounds similar to yours. I also worry that my next relationship will not have the zing of my last.

 

But, I'm choosing not to dwell on it. I'm not interested in being in love with someone who is not in love with me.

[Leylee24]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 1/2 years... I know what you mean about not feeling in love. Love is a very hard thing to define. I do feel like he is more of a friend than a boyfriend, but that he feels very much the other way around. I'm also 19, actually I'll be 20 this month. We spend a lot of time together, we see each other everyday. A lot of the attraction is gone for me.. it has been for a long time. We almost broke up last summer. I know it's terrible, but I slept with his best friend. The only reason we didn't break up is because he convinced me to give him a second chance. It's difficult, because he takes what's wrong with us and blames himself. I can't convince him that it's my fault that I act the way I do and feel the way I do. I really do feel like I'm trapped in this relationship, because I don't want to hurt him. But he needs someone who can appreciate him. Neither of us are very happy, but it'll kill him if I leave him. And now, things are getting even more complicated. His friend has liked me forever... we just never talked about it before. If we had talked this much last year, and gotten so much out in the open, I probably wouldn't have stayed with my boyfriend. I've been spending time with him the last few weeks, secretly... when I'm around him, I'm happy. I know this is all going to blow up in my face pretty soon. I'm not thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because of our friend... it's been on my mind for a long time. I guess it just makes it easier to have a bit of a cushion to land on. I'm not happy. Believe me, we have worked on our relationship a lot in the last several years. We had problems before anything ever happened with his friend. I don't want to struggle through this relationship forever. I don't think things can change anymore. I can't force feelings that don't really exist. I can't keep lying to him. I only end up hurting him. But how do you break up with someone you've been with for so long? It's going to be nasty, I think. I don't think he realizes how hard things are for me. We are in completely different worlds. One thing: don't think I don't care about him. I want him to be happy. I love him more than anything. I want him to have a good life. But I can completely change who I am and be miserable so that he can be happy in our relationship. I really feel like he should be the one breaking up with me... I'm really a horrible girlfriend, compared to the kind of boyfriend he is. Anyway, I've said a lot here. It's hard when I don't have someone to talk to like this.

[kekep]

Speaking as someone who has been in this situation, it hurt very very badly. And it will probably hurt him just as much no matter what you do, so all I can say is that you've f*cked up...

 

life can be painful,

 

i think you are coming down on this girl way too hard. just because you were "stung" in the past by your ex does not mean that all dumpers are horrible people. and i am "the dumpee" so it's not like i haven't had the experience. if someone loses their feelings for another person, it does not mean they have f'ed up, it just means the feelings have faded (or were never there in the first place).

 

to leylee,

 

the right thing to do is break up with this guy and let him find someone who will love him fully, even if it breaks his heart now. maybe with time apart, you will realize that you do love him and things may work out later, but at least take a break from each other. it's only fair to the both of you.

[EYESWIDESHUT]

No matter how long you have been with him, if the words i love you have been spoken, or you have both decided to be exclusive with eachother a break up will be hard, but why stay if you are not happy. the longer you wait the harder it will be and the more it will hurt both of you. i understand (i have been in your situation) that just because you are not IN love with him doesn't mean you don;t love him, and hurting him will hurt you. but staying in a relationship were you feel trapped, or you feel sympathetic for him isn't good for anybody. You need to tell him straight up, no matter how much it hurts, or how much he begs you. if you are not happy now, you will never be happy with him, and no body deserves that.