Good and Bad News

[StillHopeful88]

Hey everyone!

 

I cannot believe it has been almost 10months since my breakup. My previous posts have been about missing him, not knowing how to move on and thnking id never get over him, well guess what, i think im ACTUALLY starting to get over my first love. It's crazy how little i think about him anymore, and the real reason is because i met someone else, but this is where the bad news begins.

 

I met a new guy, we started out as friends and i had no intention on dating him. We were both attracted to eachother and we slowly starting hanging out more in the summer months and eventually started hooking up. I for one have never hooked up with a guy that i wasnt seeing, but since I wanted to get over my ex, i thought i'd go with the flow. Of course i started developing feelings for this guy, as i'm sure he was towards me, but the problem is that he still continuted to mess around with other girls. At the beginning it was something i expected. We weren't official, i had no feelings, and we never had that talk. But i started finding out (from his peers) that he's doing stuff with other girls as well and it started to hurt me. We've recently developed a much deeper bond and i can actually see him in my future, as a potential boyfriend. The only problem is that he still continues to lie to me, once again, i'm being lied to by a man.

 

He doesnt know that i know he's had sex with other girls and he always tells me how he doesnt wanna hurt me and he hasnt done that in a while etc etc, but clearly he's lying. I know he lieks me, but i feel that he's immature at this point and doesnt know what he wants. It just sucks because I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and this is the first guy i've done anything with since my ex.

 

My question to you all is that even though we're not dating, is he obliged to tell me the truth about what he's doing with other girls? Is him lying to me okay, because i guess he doesnt want to hurt me by telling me? I truly dont even know anymore, i've been lied to so much in my relationships with men that i always find excuses for why it's okay, but i just need somebody to tell me what i should do.

Thank you everyone

[GrowingIn]

You made a BIG mistake when you started sleeping with this guy without setting expectations and boundaries. Because you were NOT TRULY over your ex and didn't work out your issues, you ended up trading boundaries, and self respect, self esteem and gave up one of your principles of being against casual sex for "the feel good" moments that came from intimacy and sex in the beginning. Because it helped you forget your ex completely. Instead of healing completely and coming out with stronger boundaries, you did not and actually lowered yours a bit. And hence begins the cycle.

 

This is a DISTRACTION. Take it from me, when someone says "they don't want to hurt you"....it's true but it also means "they can see themselves hurting you". Which will eventually lead to just that. RUN! He already did that and lied to you and you are already questioning yourself if it's ok? You were not healed and you need boundaries ASAP!

 

What you should have said: "If I develop feelings for you, and you continue sleeping with other women, I am going to be hurt. At that point I want you to become committed or I am going to stop seeing you!"

 

What you should say now: "I have developed feelings for you and I get the feeling that you are still sleeping with other women, and hiding things from me, which I am no longer comfortable with, and I ask you make a decision or this is going to have to end here."

 

OR

 

Since I believe it's already too late, boundaries or not. Just walk away now. You are on the losing end of things already. He already has hurt you, even though he's told you "he doesn't want to." My bet is he doesn't respect you. If he respected you and cared, even if you didn't have that talk, he would have been considerate enough to set things straight with you and make sure it doesn't bother you before sleeping with someone else. Instead he took advantage of the ambiguity to try other options. He's not all at fault for that, but he's definitely at fault for lying.

[StillHopeful88]

Wow talk about giving it to me straight lol. I hate that i'm in this situation right now, which is my fault completely. I hope I can get out of this and still maintain a friendship with him because he really is a nice guy, even though he may not be the most honest partner. I'm looking on the bright side of things and taking this as a learning experience. Thanks for the advice!

[GrowingIn]

Wow talk about giving it to me straight lol. I hate that i'm in this situation right now, which is my fault completely. I hope I can get out of this and still maintain a friendship with him because he really is a nice guy, even though he may not be the most honest partner. I'm looking on the bright side of things and taking this as a learning experience. Thanks for the advice!

 

No problem. And the reason I am so direct is because I believe women like you who do that, and do end up getting hurt, end up hurting guys like me later on out of subconscious revenge(playing out opposing roles later on). So I'm watching out for my own skin and kind

 

He may not have the strength to pull away from having sex with you if he can wiggle himself in there, but if YOU DO, you will also have the strength to pull away when some guy truly falls for you that you "don't want to hurt" who also doesn't have the strength to pull away. If you let him hurt you, there's a good chance you're going to let the next guy that falls for you have sex with you that you can't fall for because you will feel "safe" and you will hurt him. No point in wasting time. Clear your heart and mind up and look for an equal. Neither above nor below you.

 

You gotta understand something. For the most part, you women hold the power when it comes to sex and self restrain. Be responsible!