the feelings are back...

[altoids144]

Me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. We had been going out for over 2 years and the break up was not pretty. It was right before college graduation and she broke it off with me. I was devastated as I was still in love with her and she basically said that she had fallen out of love with me.

I was really angry with her during that time and couldn't believe how she treated me. She distanced herself away from me and did not talk to me. After graduation, I didn't talk to her for 4 months. She went home and I stayed on the east coast.

She returned recently for grad school and the feelings came back. I was fine during the summer, i flirted with other girls and had interest in other people. BUt a week before she came back, I started remembering the good things about our relationship and how it was. I talked to her for a couple of hours online and caught up a little. I haven't seen her since she came back but knowing that she came back has made me angry. I don't know why i'm feeling resentful of her. Maybe it's because i'm remembering the bad breakup and blame it on her.

There is another problem which is my friends are her friends. This makes it really difficult for me. I find that i'm really lonely these days as I don't want to be in contact with my own friends and hear them talk about her in the third person.

Someone please give me their thoughts and advice.. Thanks

[Tinkerbell]

It's completely natural to feel some resentment towards her; afterall, she did break your heart. The mutual friends situation might cause quite a bit of a problem though, depending on how you deal with it. Are they closer to you than to her? If so, than I suggest you take them aside from one day and fill them in a bit on the way you're feeling, kindly asking them if they could refrain from talking about her a lot in your presense, and making sure that there isn't a confrontation with her that you aren't yet ready for. I would suggest keeping contact to a minimum and continue to enjoy your life until you feel ready to see her. As you haven't mentioned much about how you think SHE'S feeling I'm going to assume there isn't a big chance of you two getting back together, which is even more of a reason to keep contact to a minimum as you may say or do something that you'll regret. Don't be hostile towards her though when you do see her, just don't be overlly friendly either. Human nature wants what it can't have, so presenting the illusion that you've been extremely occupied might work for you.

[altoids144]

The mutual friends are closer to her. Since college finished, a lot of my friends have left which doesn't leave many to do things with. I'm feeling kind of lonely and I think this has contributed to the feelings coming back.

I definitely think that she has no feelings for me. She wanted to move on when we broke up and since I was her first and she is still young, she wanted to explore more. She did mention the possibility of coming back in the future, but not in the near future.

I think the best I can do is just keep my contact with her and her friends to a minimum. It's a difficult balance but i think I can achieve it. Thanks for the advice.

[altoids144]

I keep having the urge to talk to her ... not by phone but through instant messaging. I know it's bad but I just want to talk to her and see how she is doing. What can I do about this? Is it really gonna hurt me that much??

I'm not sure if i want to be friends with her.. or these are lingering feelings.

[Prevail]

go running, exercise, work hard, save your cash, feel good about yourself, dont worry about her bud. theres plenty more women out there and many of them could be just right for you. do it all for yourself, youll be amazed at how you feel, and be it good or bad she will notice it, maybe it wont be too late. hit the bars, have a good time, play a sport, join a club, get your mind off her. its all you can do. make the best outta life man. GL

[Prevail]

BTW, there isnt a chance in hell that you'd contact her and it would make her want you back. trust me, been there too many times.

[matmatmat]

What prevail has said couldn't be more true. Sure you want to understand what has happened. That is why you want to write her. Of course rationaly you might say that you just want to talk to her but in couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

I've written two times to my ex in the last 4 months after we had broke up and she has not written back. And the messages had nothing to do with the relationship and mentioned nothing about it, no sobbing no asking to get back together. They were to wish her a happy birthday and the other one asking about her trip, nothing that i hadn't done before.

 

Conclusion, she does not care one bit and thereforeeee Why should I?

 

it is as simple as that. It never really is complicated if you asked me. Sometimes in times of turmoil we fail to see the evidence that is clear like crystal

[TrueHeart]

It is extremely difficult, especially since you are already feeling lonely, some of your hang-out buddies aren't there and she's the only one left. Honestly hon, if she broke it off-- and hasn't initiated contact or anything then, its really a toss up how she'd react to your friendly gesture. I have a feeling that you might be disappointed which will only kick you back to square one.

 

Online conversation is so bland. You cannot see the person's reactions or anything... You're right in saying you should keep your association with her and her friends to a minimum. If you've had other friends to hang out with, other interests-- THOSE are the people you should drop a line to to see how they're doing... You associate so much pain with her, is it honestly worth the risk of reopening your wound just to find out how she's doing? You will probably not like her answer.... Sorry to be the devil's advocate, but I tried doing it once with an XBF of mine, and it just ended up with him telling me about all the women he'd been with and how much happier he was without me-- it wasn't pleasant..

[JT]

Listen I totally understand how you feel. I went through this with my last breakup with my girlfriend, so I wanted to give you some words of inspiration.

 

I am 27 and ex is 26. I was living with her until April of this year, when we were fighting so much it was time to part ways. We had many friends in common, mostly my friends which became her friends. While living with her, I was very upset.. unhappy about my situation. I knew if I were to leave her that I would lose the friends too. She was very manipulative. I stayed because of the friends. This lasted awhile until I could not take it anymore. We had a bad blowout/breakup and tore the friends situation apart. I have not spoken to her since. The old friends I do not talk to that often. They gave her more support then myself. To this day I am still angry about the friends situation more than her. I guess they were'nt my true friends anyway, but it still was hard for me.

 

I knew what was going to happen when I left her. Friends were gonna take sides etc. So, when I moved out, I made sure I moved to the hippest area in town so I could make friends. And make friends... meet women I did! It was nice to know there were other friends out there who were not like those friends. It was nice to know there were other girls not like her too!! It was the best thing I've done for myself. I've also worked on myself by going to therapy as well.

 

I had a lot of caged anger... much like you do. Our situations are quite similar, but I promise you it'll pass buddy. Maybe make a change for yourself. Those friends are not your friends if they do to you what they did to me. The heck with em. Pick your stuff up and move on.

 

Let me know if you need any more advice or have any questions.

 

JT