managing the situation with my ex

[tacs1895]

A fairly lengthy summary of where I'm at (partly just to get it out of my head) feel free to read, respond or ignore.

 

I'm still struggling with my breakup, six months on after three years together. The letting go process is happening, but very slowly. We have many things in common, mutual friends, and we work in the same creative field (music, which is a very small world both professionally and socially). This is part of what's making it so hard to move on, as well as the fact that I got no clear explanation for why it ended. Fortunately it didn't involve any horrible arguments or anything, we had been good friends before getting together too, and neither of us hates each other or anything.

 

After we broke up had a couple of days of pleading, then occasionally in touch for a couple of weeks, and then we went for about three months without any contact, during which time I missed out on a lot of social and professional stuff which meant a lot to me. It got to a stage where I wasn't prepared to keep missing out on that stuff, so I met her and explained that I was coming back to rejoin some of those activities. We had quite a fairly heavy chat about things, initiated by me, where she made it clear that she'd moved on (although still single as far as I know) and where I explained that I accepted that, but also that I was not as far down the line as she was and that she should understand that. (With hindsight I'm not sure if was the best idea to have had that heavy chat, I know it goes against much of the advice here, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time because a lot of what I've been working on is how to be more honest and open about my feelings. And I felt it was important that if we were going to be seeing each other regularly again then she should know where I'm at. Anyway, it's happened so I'm not dwelling on it.)

 

So we then had two months of seeing each other roughly weekly at rehearsals. I made sure I was clear in myself why I was there, i.e. for the music, so I could focus on that, and I avoided any of the extra bits like going for a drink after rehearsal if she was going too. Nonetheless this has been really hard for me to see her regularly again. It has definitely slowed down my healing process, and I am still going through the mixture of feelings of betrayal, lack of confidence, loss and loneliness, albeit not as intensely as previously. The last few weeks fortunately we have not had any work together, so things have been easier.

 

These last few weeks have made me realise how much easier it would be to get over her if I just never had to see her, but sadly it's not possible. The simplistic "go NC" isn't an option, unless I were to completely change my life and give up music which is far too drastic. As much as it is important to have space from the other person, at the same time I have to keep living my life as I want to. This situation isn't going to change any time soon, so what I'm struggling with is how I'm going to cope in the long run of having to continue seeing her from time to time. At the moment all I can do is limit the contact as much as possible.

 

Nonetheless I'm still struggling with the constant reminders. I still hear things that she's up to, either in passing through general chat with other musicians, or online. I haven't looked at her facebook page in months, but sometimes things still crop up via other people. (Honestly, I make no attempt to search these things out, and always hide the posts straight away if they come up. But I can't avoid them altogether, just too many mutual friends and I can't block them all...) There are still things that I have to miss out on which I would dearly love to be doing, not just the odd party here or there but music-related things which are really meaningful to me. But I have to miss them when I find out she's already going to be there. Sometimes I hear of a great event, and then I find out she's already going, and I get pissed off because I would like to go, and also because I'm annoyed that she's heard about it first and I feel out of the loop. Part of me just feels jealous that she's doing exactly the kinds of things I would like to be doing, and then when I get the opportunity myself I find out that she's already going so then I feel unable to go myself. On a couple of occasions, there have been invitations that I've accepted, and then on the day she's texted me to tell that she's going too. On these occasions I've not responded, and then not gone myself, because I've not wanted to see her. And that's then just left me feeling pissed off because it's spoiled my day when I had something that I wanted to do and was looking forward to. And also annoyed because it's still affecting me to the stage where seeing her stops me from doing things that I want to do. This is why straight forward "NC" doesn't help me, I understand that that having no contact is so that you can get on with your own life and do things that you want to do so as to move on and heal. In my case many (not all) of the things I want to do involve crossing paths with her, and that is what makes it all so frustrating. I have also found new things to do and met new people, but these are not going to replace the things that are most important to me, which unfortunately are closely connected to her as well.

 

Ideally I would like to be at a stage where I can be around her without it affecting me so much, and I could plan things without having to take her into account all the time. But this feels a long way off. I still have feelings for her, part of me would still like a second chance even though I rationally understand that it's not on the cards. And if not getting back together, then at least a friendship would be preferable so that I could at least be doing the things I want to do, and also because we were good friends before getting together and still care about each other a lot. Some at some stage to have her as a friend again would be nice, but it just doesn't feel possible for me right now because there's still such a tangle of feelings and emotions. So I'm just doing my best, essentially I just have to manage the situations and feelings as best I can, do the things I want to as much as possible, see her as little as possible, and try to find a balance between those things that enables me to keep moving on.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Good luck and love to everyone in your own lives.

[Snuggly]

Part of me just feels jealous that she's doing exactly the kinds of things I would like to be doing, and then when I get the opportunity myself I find out that she's already going so then I feel unable to go myself. On a couple of occasions, there have been invitations that I've accepted, and then on the day she's texted me to tell that she's going too.

 

I do feel for you. Constant contact is so painful. And will be worse when she turns up with a partner, as she inevitably will eventually. But you have to stop excluding yourself from the parts of like that make you happy. It particuarly worries me that she is texting you to tell you that she is going. Why? Does she want to keep you away? Or is she wanting to see you?

 

You have to boldly regain your life. You can't let it become smaller and lonlier. You are being controlled by her actions. You have to do things on your terms.

 

Good luck and wishes for the future

[tacs1895]

I do feel for you. Constant contact is so painful. And will be worse when she turns up with a partner, as she inevitably will eventually. But you have to stop excluding yourself from the parts of like that make you happy. It particuarly worries me that she is texting you to tell you that she is going. Why? Does she want to keep you away? Or is she wanting to see you?

 

You have to boldly regain your life. You can't let it become smaller and lonlier. You are being controlled by her actions. You have to do things on your terms.

 

Good luck and wishes for the future

 

 

Thanks for understanding, Snuggly. There are a few more weeks of not seeing her, and then we'll be spending a week on tour together, which is likely to be pretty hard going, but there will at least be plenty of other people around and things to do. And I'm doing it because musically it will be a great experience, and something I wasn't prepared to miss out on.

 

I know that sooner or later she'll probably be with someone else, although that thought is still pretty awful at this point. Hopefully it won't come too soon, so that I might be in a slightly better place to deal with it as and when it happens.

 

As for her texting me, I can't know for sure of course. I don't think she's trying to keep me away or to try to see me. I think in one sense she's trying to be kind by letting me know in advance rather than just turning up out of the blue. In another sense, she could be kinder by asking if would be ok with her coming if she's knows I'm already going. Or beyond that, she could be kinder still just by not going herself, allowing me the space and opportunity to see friends I don't get to see so much any more. But it's not for me to ask her to do that, she must do her own thing as much as I must do mine. For all I know there may already have been occasions when she has stayed away in order to let me do things, there's no way I would know. Lastly, although I don't think she was doing it because she wants to see me specifically, I reckon she would like to think that I'm ok about seeing her in those situations so that she doesn't have to feel guilty. I'm not going to go along just to make her think things are fine, nor am I going to stay away in order to make her feel guilty. I'm just going to do what I feel is right for me at the time, whether that means keeping away in order to protect myself, or putting up with seeing her in order to do things I'd like to do.

 

Obviously, all of the above about how she feels is pure speculation on my part. I know her very well, so I feel like I'm probably about right, but at the same time I have no way of knowing what she's thinking, as has been said many times on this board. One of the things I would like most now is for her for to be forthcoming, open and honest about things, but I don't have any expectation of it. All I know is that I've given up asking and that anything like that now needs to come from her end. That may or may not happen, and in the meantime I'm just trying to get on with things for myself.