Input, advice, comments?

[LaKings55]

So, I've already told my full-story, but I just want to focus on the break-up and the fallout here. I'll try to lay it out in a timeline to make it easier, again, not focusing on the details of the relationship, since that's old news, but trust me, I deserve a medal or something for my patience with this woman

 

-Feb 14th (V-day) Pretty quiet, I might have over done it with a few gifts (been dating about a year at this point) figured eh, why not? Bad idea though, I know.

 

-Feb 21st: Had made plans to spend the day together, which were confirmed by here the night before. Due to her schedule (could have just been avoiding me all those times) we only were seeing each other once a week if not less, fine by me I'm not clingy and don't need someone around a lot. Anyways, I hit her up for a time for me to come get her, and I get "I don't feel like I have time for a relationship, I need to focus on school and a career" We talk later that night and it basically turns into an agreement to have a pseudo-break till the summer, when we planned to take a trip. I also figured that was what most women do to let a guy down softly, but it hurt to hear that after almost a year of actively being in a relationship, a few months of feeling the waters, and months before of being friends, not to mention childhood classmates

 

-Feb 24th: She removes her relationship status with me on FB, doesn't put single, but removes it. Keeps myself and my family as friends, this P***** me off. After all the times she's cancelled plans because "she wanted to be alone," dealing with her emotional issues, constantly giving more than I'm getting, it just seemed like she had been using me, though you'd have to hear the whole story to understand that, just see some of my earlier posts

 

-Feb 25th: I kind of go off the deep end. I don't say anything too harsh, but I tell her that if she can't handle what had become a casual relationship and school (her program was just not that hard) then how could she ever handle life, and marriage, etc. I also point out that it seemed like she was all over her ex when we were friends, and that guy was supposedly a cheater, abusive, etc. I told her that I wanted my stuff, and to just leave it on her porch. I went and picked everything up.

 

-March 1st: I send her an e-mail trying to explain where I was coming from, bringing up our communication issues (mainly the fact that talking to her sometimes was like talking to a brick wall, since she won't give an answer or try to find common ground) I also apologize for speaking out of anger, and said I could have handled things differently

 

-March 2nd: I drop some stuff off on her porch that either didn't belong to me in the first place, or things that were gifts. I also text her saying that I have a cd that isn't mine that doesn't have a case, so I asked what I should do with it. She texted back that to just leave it in the mailbox. She followed up with a "i don't want to be anything other than friends" or something along those lines.

 

- I kind of just step into NC at this point, and just carry on with life. Here are the times I've broken NC, and the results. First time March 17th, I sent a group text without thinking to folks about St. Patty's day, naturally didn't get a response from her, but I did get a call a few days later from her cousin, who told me that yeah, she said not to talk to you, that you're a bad guy (I wondered how I was such a jerk when her ex hit her, cheated, etc, and I did nothing but show empathy (bad idea) patience, and just tried to be a fun guy to be around) and that she's already over you and seeing someone else (I assumed her ex) The cousin also mentioned that she had asked her if she had gotten "that stupid st. patty's text" from me

 

- At this point I deleted my fb permanently, deleted all related numbers to her including her own

- Mid May, I see her sister and her bf out to dinner. I happen to be on a date, lol. They see me, I say "hi" when I leave, everything seemed polite enough

-Late may, a buddy of mine who had kept her as a friend on fb (without me knowing) sent me a saved image of her profile showing that she was "single" again and a comment she had posted about "my patience with guys has grown thin, lol" or something like that. I didn't even care, and told him to delete her, which he did.

 

-Early June, a friend of mine still in contact with her asked what the situation was, I filled him in, and then he asked if I would be able to hang out with her in a group format again (that's how we reconnected as adults) I said I didn't know how she felt, but I figured it would be awkward

 

-June 10th I text her to ask about it, saying I had been asked, didn't know, figured we should talk about it, no response

 

-June 24th: Her mom's bday was coming up, so I e-mailed her to say some things about the whole friends idea, pretty much said that it didn't seem worth it, and wished her mom a happy bday, no response

 

NC before those two, and since. To clarify, I hold no illusions. It's over, and there's probably a 65-75% chance that I'll never hear from her again, and if I do, it will probably only be about being friends. Right now, no information about my life or what I'm focusing on can reach her. Just figured I'd throw this out there. Part of me still cares about her, I think about her a lot, but I don't focus on it that much. We had a lot of great times, but her issues (with men, her emotions, anxiety, etc) and immaturity (don't get me wrong, she's intelligent, definitely challenging enough on that level) but she is very immature on certain things. Right now I just plan on NC forever, maybe say hey on some bdays, and if she ever contacts me, I'll just be polite and cordial, and see what happens. I hope I've handled everything right so far. A guy can only take so much before he's forced to pull the plug, and if you've read my story, she was becoming increasingly distant, and I seemed to just be someone there to fulfill her physical needs and trot in front of her family on occasion since they approved of me and not her ex, who was abusive, impolite, older, out of shape, not as attractive, etc. But, she did meant something to me, and when we were in a groove, I just felt so compatible with her. It just hurt everytime she broke plans to be "alone" because she doesn't handle stress well, on top of the other issues. I never felt like I made a big deal about that, but forgive a guy for getting frustrated. It just felt like she wanted to be used, be a victim, and I just wanted her to feel appreciated, safe, loved. Any thoughts? Some people tell me I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did, others think that some of these things may have been able to be worked out if we were both willing to make the effort.

[metrogirl]

The more you contact her and the more she fails to respond only sets you back further with healing. I know you are hurting but the hurt will lessen as time progresses but everytime you text her you are opening up your wounds again and then it takes longer to heal.

 

No more texting!

[LaKings55]

The more you contact her and the more she fails to respond only sets you back further with healing. I know you are hurting but the hurt will lessen as time progresses but everytime you text her you are opening up your wounds again and then it takes longer to heal.

 

No more texting!

 

I hear ya, and I won't be contacting her anymore. I've only broken NC a couple of times, and for reasons that weren't even my own. If she wants me, she knows where to find me. I've been enjoying the single life nicely, though I was starting to date this one girl, and broke it off with her pretty early because I just didn't want to be in a relationship, or I didn't feel ready. The first thing I did after the break-up was to go out with friends and enjoy myself. I also settled into the routine of work nicely. I forgot to mention that the drama she pulled on the 21st, was the day before a HUGE job interview for me, a job I ended up not getting. It seemed malicious at that point, I have no idea what her intentions were. Will I ever get closure from her, probably not. Do I even care anymore? Not really. I've actually felt pretty good about the whole thing, but it just sucks to feel used, even as a guy. I don't think the relationship was healthy for me, but I fell for her hard, and I mean HARD. It just seemed so perfect, meant to be, written in the stars, lol. Then so much came tumbling down around me. I had been there for her through some rough patches, and I was going through one of my own for a number of reasons. Was she there for me, after all I had done? Nope, she was cold and distant, not exactly great wife material. I would gladly congratulate any man who can show more patience than I did, though I don't foresee any guy putting up with half the things she pulled during our relationship. Given her social fears, and coddled childhood, I'm willing to bet she'll be a career academic, just living with her mom for quite some time. If the "someone else" was a new guy, he didn't last long, lol. If it was her ex before me, who moved to a different state, then he probably decided to not put up with her either. It's hard to deal with someone with a keen intellect, but the habits and emotions of a pre-teen, spoiled brat

[LaKings55]

So don't worry, I'm not pining for her, I'm not sitting around hoping she'll one day change her mind. If she really wanted to throw out a guy like me, her loss, not mine. I'd hate to see how potent an a****** could be with women if he had my looks (I seriously don't really notice how I look, I just take care of myself, and I've been called 'hot' by so many women it actually makes me uncomfortable) and height. I get approached fairly often by women, but I refuse to take advantage. I want a woman to appreciate me for my intellect, my humor, my charm, etc. It's great if they find me attractive, but like I said, kind of sucks when you start to feel like the male equivalent of a "booty call" or "arm candy."

[metrogirl]

Well if you are as great as you say you are, then you are bound to find a nice girl soon enough. THere are many girls out there that want a decent guy, sadly women like your ex destroy many good men. Don't let her actions jade you from finding the right girl.

 

Many of us have had crappy relationships and probably tolerated more than we should have but in the end how we handled ourselves makes a huge difference in how we are able to move forward.

 

Stay busy, don't give her a second thought. She is probably someone else's nightmare at the moment, take comfort knowing that she isn't going to bring you down anymore. You are doing good, just keep working at it.

[LaKings55]

I just know how I was raised. I had/have a sister who always liked to punch me, sometimes joking, other times in anger. As adults, I just laugh because it really is pathetic, but as a kid I'd always get angry. I never hit back though, my folks raised me to never hit girls no matter what. You're right about "destroying many a good men" slowly but surely I've seen friends and acquaintances become women using jerks, primarily after one or two crazy gf's used them. It's a vicious cycle. Girls date jerks, say they want a nice guy, date a decent guy, end up using him, guy becomes jerk, etc, etc. Of course, men are partially to blame for this. If a lot of guys made it a point to be confident and stand up for themselves, this wouldn't be an issue. I stood up for myself, I called her out on her issues, and I walked away.

[LaKings55]

In the end though, she got what she wanted. I'm sure she went right to here family and told them they were wrong about me, and I turned out to be a jerk just like the last guy. She's pretty dishonest anyway, so I'm sure she'd have done it regardless just to explain why we weren't together. Though if they know her like I think they do, they probably saw right through it. She sacrificed our friendship, not me. I will forever hold silent, and if she contacts me, I'll decide then what do do. Right now, I don't want or need a relationship in my life, this past one really took it out of me. Just from my attempts at dating since, I've realized I don't have the energy to deal with women in my age group, at least in my area. They all seem confused, immature, etc. I expect it from guys my age, since so many of my friends just want to get drunk and party. At least now I have more red flags and experience in seeing these issues and responding accordingly. I've learned to not overreact, to be more decisive, and just be the man in a relationship. That doesn't mean pushy or abusive, but it does mean confident and sure of myself. I've also realized that while being in a relationship can feel wonderful, I certainly don't need a woman in my life to be happy. I look at my life, and I've reached the conclusion that despite wanting to be a father, if I never marry or have children, then I will find fulfillment in other areas. If I never date or have sex again, I will find fulfillment elsewhere. I thought I needed this girl, I thought she was what I was missing in my life. No, I was just too afraid to come out of my shell and be confident.

[GrowingIn]

That's a good place to be LaKings55. It seems you and I have recently gone through similar experiences. Sucks being a rebound. And as far as the friendship thing, oh man, it really kills me. I resent myself for not being stronger and staying out of this relationship early on because I could have really used her friendship. I know for a fact I will have a hard time finding someone like her to be friends with but I am with you, she should have cared about that too, before she jumped on me and slept with me, when I wanted to pull away because I saw she wasn't really that into me. That was her mistake. But I could have only been so strong in that moment. I had feelings for her and found her very attractive so I slept with her. And yes towards the end of the relationship it did feel exactly like all she was doing is sleeping with me out of obligation, to the point where I refused sex with her the last time, because it's not what I wanted.

 

I'm with you tough. I was sick of the cycle before this past relationship. I really let my guard down because I thought she was too especially after being in so many abusive relationship. Apparently she's not done. I just have to not allow myself the time to get over this so as to not return the "favor" to the next decent girl I find. I don't need or care for the intelligent, independent, commitment-phobia women with prior abusive relationships who are willing to jump right into it with me. No thanks. I understand you all have been hurt too, but freaking STAY single and work your issues. Next time I find one that cries on my shoulder about her ex....I will run. No compassion from me. No more victims for me.

[LaKings55]

Amen brother. Mine was a little different though, she seemed legitimately into me. I even resisted her for a few months following her break-up. And there was a prolonged time where it seemed like she actually tried to be in a relationship with me. But tack on her master's program (online, lol) and her ex probably still contacting her, and other things, she just had to get rid of me.