Went full NC, she's resentful, I don't know why

[jackofall]

Hey everyone sorry I can't post URLs for some reason so you can't see my initial story, but here's what happened when I cut the cord with my ex:

 

 

 

Essentially I wanted my ex-girlfriend back months after a mutual(really) break up, but she was seeing someone else. Sometimes she acts like it's not serious, but she also says "I don't give second chances" and "I want to be with him." It is what it is.

 

Long story short I tried going the friends route for a couple months because, well to try it and also to see what would happen. We hung out every week or two through no initial contact or asking to hang out from me. It was all her. The other night when I brought this up she flew off the handle, saying we were just friends. I told her I thought she was making a mistake (dating the other guy), which I realize was harsh but in fairness to me: come on she had to have known we were friends but that there was more to it than that. In other words, it was safe to assume I thought that already. We BOTH said some harsh things believe me, but the whole ordeal just soured me quite a bit on the prospect of being with her again.

 

Anyhow she still has about a million things in my apartment. I bagged them up and told her to come get them. She said okay she'll pick them up tomorrow, then an hour later starts texting me: "I realize you hate me now but if you truly want to be friends I'd like that." My first thought was, she just DOES NOT GET IT. I kept my cool though and basically said in this situation we just disagree. It's nothing to get emotional over but people can't be friends in this situation. I want something and you don't, etc. etc. I also said that we tried to come to an understanding the other night but she went nuts, so obviously that's not an option either.

 

She tends to fly off the handle as I mentioned earlier, but I was able to diffuse things for the most part and at a certain point I thought we had talked it out. She just still does not see why I can't be friends though. It's weird. Why does she even care? I mean she's made it clear multiple times that in her eyes we are dead, done. I told her that we disagree and that's fine but I've gotta go look for something else now. Her final text, to which I didn't respond, was "Well I hope you find a girl that makes you happier than I did."

 

What the??? Can it really be true that someone can't accept that they can't have everything exactly their way? Is it not obvious to her that it hurts me to hang around her with a smile on my face knowing she's seeing another guy and that I want to be with her? Honestly I was not hostile at any point. If anything I'm always trying to take the high road with her because I know it can be an explosive situation if I say the wrong thing (again, as you saw earlier). It's like I can't win. Stick around and I can't have her. Break it off entirely and I can't have her. I'm not really looking for an answer to anything except: Why would a person act like this???

[DN]

Why? Because she's selfish. She wants to be one of those people who can warble to her friends that she is such a lovely person that she even remains friends with her ex.

[6yeardumped]

My ex was trying to do the same. Women are sometimes (or even usually) like that. They can get the butterfly in her stomach feeling from the new guy (like my ex is doing), but still say "I want us to be friends". They do this because they are really attached to us (the ex's), and it's hard for them to completely break that connection just like that. So, they want the best of 2 worlds:

 

- butterfly feelings from the new guy;

- emotional support from the ex.

 

What they don't seem to understand is that WE (dumpee's) need to get away from them for a long period before even thinking about a friendship. We need to get over our ex's completely, meet new women, date them, enjoy our lifes, and then, only then, if we feel NOTHING for our ex's, we can approach them for a friendship (or maybe even a new relationship, if there's is still love or sparks or whatever).

 

My ex BU with me almost 3 months ago, after almost 6 years together, justifying her decision due to LDR through the last 20 months (I was working in another country for a definite period).

 

3 weeks after BU I came back to the same country where she was. I talked with her and then she told me that there was a guy in her office, and that after the BU they hooked up once. A few weeks later, we met again, and she said "Im confused, I dont know what I want, etc etc..." and also that she hooked up with the other guy again. I said, we can't be friends, but I'll leave the door open for mutual contact - she cried etc etc.... I wont contact her, and if she contacts me in the next weeks/months and Im not ready yet to approach her, I will just politely tell her that it is still too soon for us to see each other.

 

And that's it. We (men) need distance when we we're in a commited relationship and they jumped the boat.

 

Example with my "exex" (dated for 4.5years, she BU, NC 1 year, attempt to reconcile for 2 months, things went sour - none of us had grew up ANYTHING during that year). After that attempt, almost 6 years NIC (the same period of time I dated my ex), and she only texted me once, which I ignored. One month ago, I contacted my exex, and now we are starting a friendship...she's helping me with my recent BU, and I am helping her with some stuff with her new BF (a friend of mine from many years ago).

 

I really believe that we can be friends with an ex after a LTR, if YEARS have gone by, and we completely moved on with our lifes. It's either that, or an attempt to reconcile in the period of 6-12 months after BU, but with FULL NC during that period.

 

To get that FULL NC, you just gotta make her see that the idea of you "remaining friends" (even more if she is already going out with another guy) is unfair to you.

 

Just be polite but firm with her. Don't burn any communication bridges (unless she's a psycho), and let her know with all words that this time without any kind of contact will be beneficial for both of you. If she keeps texting you after that, don't reply. She might insist, don't reply. Ignore her, unless she clearly states that she wants to "talk things over" and you feel that there is a chance to reconcile (if that is what you want).

 

Good luck man!