Will things ever get better??

[stormygrrrl]

I am 26 and am in the midst of a quarter life crisis, I swear. I will try to make this all as short as possible.

 

my mother was sick from the time I was 6 until I was 18. At 18 I watched her die on the day she was coming home from the hospital after struggling with an illness for years.

 

After this happened my life crumbled, everything I knew of "normal" was completely over. My relatives and friends behaved in ways that I thought were terrible, a cousin fought with me over my mother's jewlery and antique furniture, friends didn't show up when I needed them, people lectured me about "getting my act together" my father started seeing a woman two weeks later who my mom didn't like.

 

Because of this I now am very cynical. I realize that I put some people off by this, but I don't know how to stop, or if I even want to.

 

I began going to college two years ago, however I recently had a strange epiphany and was wondering if it was okay to feel this way. I have had a difficult time making friends because I feel nobody can relate to me. I feel surrounded by people who have more money than I have, who have families who care about them,who have normal relationships, and who in general have not struggled the way I have. I don't feel like (or feel like I can't ) have these things. I feel extremely uncomfortable. I no longer know if I want to be successful, because being with these people makes me feel very lonely.

 

I realize I am lucky to be able to have an education, and I also realize that my life could be much worse, that life is worse for others, that my life has been worse, but I wonder, when will it be my turn to be happy? This feeling has been haunting me, and I am afraid it will ruin me.

 

I am starting classes on Monday, I want to hide away. I want to see none of my "friends". I don't want anyone to ask me any personal questions, nothing about my major, my work, my love life, nothing. Because I have nothing good to tell.

 

I have not been in a relationship for over five years. This is another one of my problems. I think that I will never meet anybody. My last boyfriend left the state, promised he would come back for me, and never did. I have some abandonment "issues". I feel sometimes like there is no point in getting clsoe to someone because they'll leave me. I tried dating the last two years but I have never had a second date with anyone.

 

I wrote on this forum because I feel like my personal growth isn't where it should be for my age. I appreciate any feedback.

[SomeGuy112]

Well I am significantly younger than you, but I have some similar problems. It sounds like you have had it really bad and I haven't had anyone close to me die but, I do feel alone all the time. I've never had a GF and the one girl I've ever liked sorta put me down, in a nice way but it was still a horrible crush to me. I don't think a girl will ever like me or that I will ever get a girlfriend. But you know what. Damn it I am not gonna quit on life just yet. I've thought about it a lot, how I just don't want to live anymore (nothing suicidal I just want it to end), but I think that's the wrong attitude. Just know that you are not the only one to feel lonely or different in this world. Most of us do in some way. I really hope I'll turn out alright, I don't know if I will or not. But you can turn out alright because in what you wrote I can see that you are able to do what you want with people, it is just these feelings of seclusion that hold you back. You are in good shape if you can just increase your desire to be with people somehow.

[squarepeg]

I also feel very secluded. This lonelyness has stretched on for years..mostly my own doing to myself because i dont feel right around other people..maybe because they have treated me poorly and maybe because I just dont have the headspace for there drama.

 

I suppose this sort of thing needs therapy. If you cant find it in yourself after a few months to get out of the house, find a therapist.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through that, just know your not alone.

[guitarman]

Well for me .... I'm never really close to my Family .... from the surface, It would seemed that my family background is one that is just like other families. But in fact, I feel very lonely most of the time, and it didn't seemed that my parents cared about that at all. My dad only cares about his own excues and lame reasonings for bad decisions .... my mum only suffers in silence. There is no one here that I can look up to ... no one I can trust to be my role model.

 

That's why I usually find solace in my friends rather than family. I can tell ya that my family have NO CLUE at all who I am and what makes me the way I am .... I've lived 26 years of my life in this house without them knowing the real me and sometimes I really feel lost ... like I don't belong anywhere.

 

And I am facing a genuine situation in which most of you guys are in too; incapability to relate to the norm. In many situations, ie my work place, I couldn't relate to the humour and values that people generally inculcate. It's difficult for me to relate to people generally because from my family background, we're used to closing up ourselves ... used to being inward looking and I'm taught to be cautious about making friends.

 

But I lived to a point that I got tired of all these isolation and alternate frequency contary to society. I didn't want to share my personal life to others because I was very conscious about how others might think about me ... that I might be weird ... that I might be deranged or warpped.

 

I began to open myself .... because I believe that there is a way to live a life that acts as an opposing force against everything that was taught wrong to me. I believe whatever wrong paradigm that I picked up when I was young can be changed ... and it's not neccesary that I have to pass them on. I realised that most of the time when you open yourself to people ... people will open themselves to you. And if anybody can't accept you for who you are .... screw them ... and go find someone else to talk to. I believe friends are important and intrunsic for a healthy lifestyle. And I guess for people like us .... we've got to try a little harder than others ....

 

I know I haven't exactly gone thru anything worse than you .... but i know that whatever wrongs or bad experiences we have in the past ... we don't have to yield to them ... if you dare to say NO to your past!

[stormygrrrl]

Well to clarify a few things I do leave the house, I do have friends, it's just that I don't enjoy myself when I'm out or with my friends. I have been on a few dates this year, but I just feel like, I'm going to feel lonely until I can find someone who can understand me.

 

I agree therapy would be good for me. I used to be in therapy, but having only student health insurance it would be impossible for me to pay for this.

 

I feel like my closest friends, they will only listen to me talk about my problems when they are in the mood to do so. And I can undestand that nobody wants to be around somebody who brings them down. I guess my biggest dilemma is, where do I put all the pain?

 

I think most of my depression comes from the obvious void in my life for love and affection, but I am almost too afraid to ask or expect someone to fill that void because, I realize how spooky and overwhelming that could be for somebody.

[paleoman]

Hello stormy.

 

I can relate to what you are going through. I am 3 years older than you and a male but can still understand your pain.

 

My father dies when I was ten and my family life was also very turbulant.

Don't feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Judging yourself against others is the worst thing you can do. Every persons life is diff and some people just have it easier. Whether that is just there own personal strength or their upbringing I don't know.

 

I myself feel very similar to your situation. I have many friends and have even had a few gf's in this last year but nothing makes me happy or takes away this loneliness. I am starting to believe that certain people just feel this way and we have to learn to accept it and who we are.

 

As much as we may want to give up on life and escape we must keep trying to beter ourselves. As soon as you have these thoughts try and realize that they are impermanent and transparent. That there is no such thing as happiness. It is illusory in nature. I have tried for many years now to find happiness in women. Somehow I thought they could take away my pain. I have had many relationships but here I am at 29 still single and still trying. But recently I realized that I have forgotten who I was. I used to be this person so fascinated with everything. I would read books on physics and buddhism and nutrition but I have lost site of all that in my pursuit of happiness.

 

So do try and realize the transient nature of happiness and then maybe you will start to be happy. It is only a thought away. Try and envision love in your heart, love for everyone and everthing. Let go of negative feelings. They destroy the soul. You are never truly alone. Everyone is connected in this world even if it seems like we are such isolated beings. You could be surprised if you just start talking to someone.

 

So, I hope this helps in some way. We both have lot's of work to do and the end goals may seem very distant but try and stay focused on school and try and enjoy the time you spend with your friends. Because that is all life is about. Not about money or fame or prestige. It is about surrounding yourself with beautiful people who love you for who you are, not who you will be. And remember nothing is impossible.

[voiceofreliance]

everything always gets better

[stormygrrrl]

Well it has been awhile since I last posted and I still don't feel any better. I have tried exersize and that helps my stress, but I'm still very sad. Today and last night i found myself crying because someone didn't return my phone call, now isn't that a stupid thing to cry over? I decided that this guy doesn't want to be my friend after all. All I wanted was someone to watch a movie with me....I can't tell if I'm getting worse or if I'm just working through my feelings. and then when i got home from school today the phone rang and I started balling...because I knew it was going to be a telemarketer. and of course, it was. I just ended a 20 year long friendship, because my friend has borderline personality disorder, and I decided I can't let her be mean to me anymore. I miss her a lot, but I can't tell her how her behavior effects me because she'll freak out on me. It seems like I have nothing but crazy unhealthy people in my life and the healthy nice people want nothing to do with me....oh hum...