Question for those who got back together

[LaKings55]

Here's a question, particularly aimed towards men. Before getting back together, were you getting the complete silent treatment for months of end? Did it seem like she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? What happened that changed that? Just curious. I'm not looking to get back with my ex, but I have a mind built for collecting information, either valuable or potentially valuable.

[pietro5266]

Yes, that did happen. I was the dumper, in my case, so the silent treatment from my was certainly expected. I'd send her an email every month or so, just to let her know I still wanted to remain friends if she was interested, and when she was ready. Then, 4 1/2 months later, I unexpectedly get a short message from her reminiscing about a part of our relationship. We exchanged a few emails, then start talking by phone again, and, about 2 weeks later (mid-June), have lunch together. Not long after that, we were seeing each other again. We had both changed some since we broke-up, and I thought it was worth giving it a second chance.

 

Just in case you actually are considering getting back together with your ex, or she is making noises like she wants to, be forewarned: the track record for such reconciliations is not good. In my case, my ex-now-girlfriend-again has been very hot and cold, and canceled-out on seeing me tonight at the very last minute (Saturday night!) because she wanted to "be alone". I do trust that she's not lying, but I'm not sure if I believe that she isn't distancing herself for some reason.

 

So there you have it, the good and the bad.

[LaKings55]

Wow, sounds pretty familiar, especially the wanting to "be alone"

[LaKings55]

I have no idea what I want. I feel like I'm losing it. How did I go from the easy going, carefree guy with steady emotions who brushes things off to flipping from hating her one minute to loving her the next? I'm just happy that I don't contact her, which isn't that hard for me. Of course, my NC is primarily through fear of rejection, so in a way I'm stringing myself along. For what? Probably nothing. I'd say I have a 95% chance of never, ever hearing from her again.

[learning2relax]

Most of us have been there. Don't sweat it. It is a roller coaster of emotions at the front end of healing from the BU. Don't beat yourself up - just try and get through it as best you can. Staying the course in not contacting her will help you make progress to where your emotions start calming down some. I have found that there are still highs and lows - just not as high and deep - then the fluctuations between the highs and lows started increasing in duration. It helped a lot as I felt completely out of control when they were all over the place and the pain was pretty raw. It gets dull over time and then starts to fade.....

 

Hang in there. It will be ok.

[madine]

Eventually you will have to accept it is over, but I do not think clinging onto that last bit of hope is necessarily a bad thing. It can ease you into a new reality.

[ceezane]

Eventually you will have to accept it is over, but I do not think clinging onto that last bit of hope is necessarily a bad thing. It can ease you into a new reality.

 

I agree...I havent contacted my ex in 3 weeks and she sent me two texts within 2 days. I didnt say ANYTHING back...why? bcz i would have DEFINITELY brought up the past, or asked a question relating to our relationship. I am not psychologically ready to speak to her, and I dont think i will be until she moves on to another guy. It sounds strange, but I really hate clinging on to this hope. At least if she has another bf I can act myself around her...which is what she was attracted to since day 1.

[LaKings55]

I agree...I havent contacted my ex in 3 weeks and she sent me two texts within 2 days. I didnt say ANYTHING back...why? bcz i would have DEFINITELY brought up the past, or asked a question relating to our relationship. I am not psychologically ready to speak to her, and I dont think i will be until she moves on to another guy. It sounds strange, but I really hate clinging on to this hope. At least if she has another bf I can act myself around her...which is what she was attracted to since day 1.

 

Hey cezanne, we are all actors in someway. Despite the way I feel on the inside, I still put on my game face and become the life of the party, though I get no satisfaction from it anymore. I force myself to be social though all I want to do is stay in and drink alone.

[ceezane]

Trust me man...I did the same thing. It's not healthy for your body, and more importantly, your mind. Your mind controls your health. Mind over matter, remember those words. If you have a weak mind you will have a weak life. Be strong, stay sociable, call your friends, call a relative and party! Trust me...I did the same thing for 2 full months. I stayed home, smoked weed, drank beers, ignored people, and sulked for hours until I was too drunk/high to keep my eyes open. I lost connection with friends and family because I was too weak to move forward. If you dwell on the past, you will live in the past.

 

Not a good life.

 

It wasnt until 3 weeks ago that I STOPPED contacting her and i STOPPED staying at home. You may feel scared to go out, but you need it. Your mind needs it, and more importantly...your junk needs it. Dont think with your head, think with your junk. Would your junk approve of this behaviour, or would your junk want you going out and meeting new, exciting women?!?! the answer is YES! YOUR JUNK WANTS YOU BACK! YOUR JUNK WANTS TO MEET NEW GIRLS!!!! it doesnt want your ex back at ALL!!!! you need to have this sort of mentality to move forward!

 

and remember this quote, it really helped me move on, and it got me to the point im at now:

 

he who cares the least, controls the relationship

[LaKings55]

Unfortunately, I've just never been that into sex. I do it more for my partner's sake than mine. I rarely if ever even think about it. That's probably why I'll go a long, long period without dating. It takes too much energy, and since I'm not out for sex, women really have very little to offer me (no offense to our female contibutors). That's what makes this past relationship so difficult. Other than the lack of communication as far as our relationship was concerned, she was the first and only woman I've ever known that was on the same page politically, socially, and posed a challenge as far as intelligence goes. I've always been an admirer of those who comes accross as intelligent while maintaining a worldly nature. There's a huge difference between being educated, intelligent and being a "nerd." Not that being a "nerd" is an issue, but I've known many folks who are into "nerdy" things such as Dungeons and Dragons, but were scholastically challenged. Plus, she was the first girl I've ever been so intensely attracted to on so many levels. It's a rare thing when a girl I meet has so many attractive qualities, and is so drop dead gorgeous that I actually desire sex. Frankly, and I try not to stereotype, the girls in my age range out here (20-25 yo's on the West Coast) generally act like they have no higher level of thought other than what color lip gloss to use on a given day.

[LaKings55]

I'd hate to see what I'll be like as a middle age man when my sex drive will likely drop off completely. If I didn't want to be a father someday, I'd just completely avoid relationships altogether.

[Stay_home]

Here's a question, particularly aimed towards men. Before getting back together, were you getting the complete silent treatment for months of end? Did it seem like she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? What happened that changed that? Just curious. I'm not looking to get back with my ex, but I have a mind built for collecting information, either valuable or potentially valuable.

 

In my experience, getting back together after a breakup has never worked out. Usually if it was bad enough to cause the breakup, it's probably going to wind up happening again at some point.

[LaKings55]

Anyone else like me? Man in his 20's (like 20-25) just never been into sex. I've seriously never initiated it. I've been propositioned and begged for it even. Plus, fear of STD's has really made me extremely careful and scrutinizing

[hopelessincan]

LOL. another "we need a "Like" button on the forum.

Ditto!!!! Except in my case a mother

 

I'd hate to see what I'll be like as a middle age man when my sex drive will likely drop off completely. If I didn't want to be a father someday, I'd just completely avoid relationships altogether.

[hopelessincan]

um ...do you not like it? is it a low sex drive? Heard of condoms?

 

My ex-ex never wanted it and rarely initiated...he had a low sex drive.....very frustrating. Honestly,... that could be the issue right there.......both partners need to be relatively in sync when it comes to that...or it can eventually cause some serious issues...............

[LaKings55]

I've said before (in another thread) that I enjoy the physical closeness of it, but for me personally, it gives very little physical pleasure. I don't have an type of physical disorder in that department, such as what plagues many older men (I won't name that disorder specifically, I'm sure anyone can guess). I've had at least 3 of my exes complain about feeling "inadequate" or something to that effect for being unable to, well, let's just say get me to that point (again, trying to keep this clean and mature). And yes, I have always used condoms, but there are plenty of STD's that merely come from contact, or pass through condoms basically unimpeded as I'm sure you know. If you look at current STD rates, they're becoming rampant. My issues with my most recent ex are not related to the bedroom at all. She is the only woman I've ever met that I can honestly say I wanted to sleep with on a "normal" basis, and I found myself initiating it regularly. You'd have to see my story in other threads to see where our problems were

[LaKings55]

What my main point here is, the social norm, and in my dealings with my friends and what I've seen of other men in my age group, is that they're more worried about getting sex than nearly anything else in their lives.

[LaKings55]

But I got off topic here anyway. Back to my original question about men, or anyone for that matter who successfully reconciled with their ex while their ex seemingly was unresponsive or ignoring them for months? I have only attempted to contact my ex once, and I am not looking to reconcile with her, but curiosity and information never hurt.

[Benville]

My present partner (well, we'll see, might be ex again) broke up back in March of this year.

 

She left me after a fight, saying she'd never be able to forget the things I said (I lost my temper bad) and wouldn't ever be able to get past the severity of the fight. I tried to stop her, saying we could work around it, the more I tried the more resolute she became. It pretty much broke me, and it didn't get any easier either.

 

She did the usual "I want to be friends still" thing, but actually tried. She'd chat to me on facebook two days later as if nothing had happened, she'd invite me over to watch a movie and lean against me while we watched, eventually moving away saying things like "that's too comfortable". I eventually told her this was just too painful for me, as everything is on her terms, she can be tactile if she wants but if I try I get stopped and so on. She said she didn't want to hurt me so she'd stay away until I was "ready".

 

I never did figure out what she thought I'd be ready for.

 

We were talking again within 48 hours, and after 2-3 weeks of this we were back together. There were a few instances when she got quite ill/depressed that I'd take her out for the day as a nice thing to do, genuinely trying to win her affections again. She told me just recently that she felt better on those days not because I took her nice places, but because she just wanted to spend time with me. It took her 3-4 months to admit that.

 

We've just had another bad fight, and it looks like we might be separating again. I walked out on her this time, but then went back. The more I tried to apologise and ask her to forgive me, the more resolute she became again, so right now I've gone NC and just letting things settle. I need to figure out if I really do want her back, and I've got a lot of mental juggling to do.

 

So in answer to the OP question, in my experience at least, she left me, she said no, she said no again, I started to relax and give up trying, then she said "lets get back together". I'm pretty sure my girl just does the opposite of whatever I want.

[endy]

In my experience I've never wanted an ex back after a certain amount of time has passed. The one I did get back with it never worked out. This was months we were broken up. Neither of us changed, and it was the same relationship. As far as the sex issue goes... That fear is what is causing it. You don't need to fear getting an std. Any fear that you have is not good and it will effect you. If you think you're going to catch an std... guess what you're probably going to. If you don't fear it and don't think of it that way you won't.

 

Most men love sex. They want it more than women. Although there are std's... and most people have something... (hpv) and stuff like that is becoming more prevalent... You can't live your sex life in a shell. It's part of a relationship, and it's important to a lot of people. It will make a woman feel inadequate because part of a relationship is making her feel adequate. You might want to work on all that a bit. I suppose you could find someone that doesn't like sex that much either. The issue is the reasoning behind it then.

[mhowe]

My ex and I are back together after 3.5 months of no contact --- he broke off the relationship, and asked for time. There is no single thread on here started by me, but I have posted often enough that you can grab the gist.

 

Anyway, he asked for space, I gave it to him. Didn't call, text, stop by. When he called 3.5 months later, he wanted to talk. He wanted to reconcile. We had seen each other in passing at the 2 month mark, short conversation. I never followed up on it --- nor did he for 6 more weeks. When he came over to talk, we did for 4 hrs ---- and we decided what we had was worth pursuing. We are 3 months into reconciling....and things are great.

[twistedfate]

My ex and I are back together after 3.5 months of no contact --- he broke off the relationship, and asked for time. There is no single thread on here started by me, but I have posted often enough that you can grab the gist.

 

Anyway, he asked for space, I gave it to him. Didn't call, text, stop by. When he called 3.5 months later, he wanted to talk. He wanted to reconcile. We had seen each other in passing at the 2 month mark, short conversation. I never followed up on it --- nor did he for 6 more weeks. When he came over to talk, we did for 4 hrs ---- and we decided what we had was worth pursuing. We are 3 months into reconciling....and things are great.

 

Congrats!

 

In that 3.5 month span, did either of you see other people? Did he really leave "for space" or did he have other relations? or... did you just not ask those questions?

 

Best of luck on the reconciliation!

[mhowe]

No, he really needed space. He started with the "My feelings for you have changed, I don't want to lead you on" speech. I listened and left. Ten days passed and I went back to get more info, because it made NO SENSE. That is when he asked for "space". He had a lot of stressors going on in his life -- and I knew this. I also knew there was nothing I could do to solve his problems -- only he could. And, in my heart of hearts, I knew the relationship was not one of the problems.

 

I also knew there was no one else -- -and neither of us even dated in the time apart.

[LaKings55]

When I said a couple of exes have felt inadequate, it wasn't because we weren't having sex, it was because they couldn't get me to the point of orgasm. And frankly, I would rather have a lifetime without sex than be exposed to anything that is incurable. I don't live my life in fear, and I'm no germaphobe, but just take a look at STD photos, and tell me if you're comfortable having that, all because you just had to get your jollies off

[Mellie]

My ex and I are back together after 3.5 months of no contact --- he broke off the relationship, and asked for time. There is no single thread on here started by me, but I have posted often enough that you can grab the gist.

 

Anyway, he asked for space, I gave it to him. Didn't call, text, stop by. When he called 3.5 months later, he wanted to talk. He wanted to reconcile. We had seen each other in passing at the 2 month mark, short conversation. I never followed up on it --- nor did he for 6 more weeks. When he came over to talk, we did for 4 hrs ---- and we decided what we had was worth pursuing. We are 3 months into reconciling....and things are great.

 

Nice