Me and my ex (need advice)

[astraltraveler]

I'm 22 and he's 20...we broke up about 3 months ago and recently starting talking as friends on the phone, and we've even hung out as friends (this was a week ago). We met on link removed which is a popular gay chatroom. We met in July of 2002. We hung out and chatted for several months and I picked him up a few times a week to hang out etc. He didn't and still doesn't have his license partly because I think he was scared of driving, as a close aunt of his died in auto accident about 4 years ago. Recently he's been really adament about getting his license though. His family doesn't seem to be very supportive in helping him learn how to drive, but I'm sure where there's a will there's a way. Anyway, he's always worked 40-60 hours a week since I've known him, and he's very responsible about things like that. Our relationship started to go wrong about 4 months after we moved in together (which was Dec of 2002). There was physical abuse on my part, which I terribly regret and have learned a whole lot from. he cheated on me on Easter sunday of 03' and I walked in on it, I was on lunch break from work. Consequently I was fired from my job because I couldn't emotionally go back to work after that. I immediately forgave him and we went to my parents house for support. He knows my family and has been here with me several times to hang out and play pool, drink and have a good time etc etc. The summer of 03' was kinda off and on getting along, sometimes things were great, and sometimes it was pretty rough. I had a hard time finding work. I finally got hired at a shoe store and that lasted a few months, before I quit because my math skills were jokingly questioned by the girl whom I was replacing...(she was training me). I got very embarrassed in front of the people I was working with, and I walked out. I never found another job after that, and we stayed in the apt together for another 6 months. Finally he got fed up in early march of 04' and left, never to return. By that time a had just gotten hired at a pizza place nearby and I lived in the apt by myself and we chatted on the phone and hung out ever so often. He broke the lease in may and we both moved out. I moved back with my parents and he moved back in with his grandparents. We live about 30 min apart. I got a job a month after moving back in and have applied to a hair school near Atl, hopefully starting in Sept! YAY. Things seem to be working out alright. I miss him soooo much though, and I feel that I treated a person who did so right by me, so wrongly. I know no one walks on water but he's a really good guy for me (or was lol). After we broke up we didn't chat for about 3 weeks, and I called him and gave it another 3 weeks and then called him again. He was going on vacation the following week and it gave me a chance to talk to him before he left. Sometimes I felt like a was doing all the calling and that maybe I was putting too much much into it, after all we are *friends* now. After a few times of manipulating him to get him to come back to me, and after one in person attempt to get him back (which got regrettably sexual), we finally seem to be making progress with the strict friendship thing. He's been calling here the last several nights. This was after our first face to face meeting in a long time, which got sexual. I've been getting really close to my stepmom and she sort of coaches me through this. Sometimes when he calls she'll answer and say I'm not there or i'm out with friends...which she says makes it look like I have a life (even though I don't) and it makes it look like I'm not just waiting by the phone all the time. This is pretty much what is happening right now at the present. I still want him back more than anything in the world, and I miss him so much. I love this man incredibly and I don't want to make any more mistakes that might drive him further away. If anyone can give me any sort of advice or help, it would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I can even give updated (good or bad). I'm just not that sure how these message boards work. Whhew my fingers hurt now, lol. Thanks everyone!

[astraltraveler]

ohhh this is so hard on my heart. i just called him after not talking for a few days and it hurts so bad to not hear him say i love you before we hang up sometimes he says it but most of the time he doesn't. i say it more than he does but then i feel like a fool for saying it...almost like i'm forcing it on him. i feel like dying, this pain is just too unreal and we've been broken up for months and months. my chest hurts so bad he said he was really busy and backed up at work and that he would call me as soon as he woke up. recently i've been wondering if he calls me just to pacify me, or does he really want to hear from me.

[stolenshadow]

Your situation sounds a bit like mine, plenty of attempts to get back together in the past years.

 

In my opinion, if you are friends you should stop saying "I love you" and all of that, he has to miss that part of you that gives love, if he's only your friend you should treat him as such, a bit cold and distant so he thinks twice on what he's missing.

 

Also, you must be VERY careful to be ready to go back with him if the opportunity arises, you can't make mistakes this time, it's now or never, you're friends now, you are almost there, if it happens make it last forever if it doesn't just give it time and don't pressure him.

 

I think plenty of the problems had to do with his image of you, that you didn't have a job, etc. but I think you love him and he probably does too, but even the biggest love can turn into nothing if it gets constantly attacked. So stop testing, be yourself, be a gorgeous guy he would die to be with and do great things for you, not only for him to know you have changed but so you also feel good about yourself.

 

There is hope, but be ready in case what you want comes true. And try not to phone too much, get a tiny bit distant, see if that gets him closer, I wouldn't suggest to stop contact because you're just starting again, so take it slow and appear nice, attractive, busy and full of life even if you feel like you're about to die.