Was healing, now devastated

[prettynthecity]

I’m really sad today. It might seem trivial to you all, but I just need to let this out. I’ve been doing so well with NC even though my ex has been off and on contacting me by posting comments on my blog, sending random e-mails with links to cute youtube videos, recommending my professional services highly to others, etc. He hasn't said anything about reconciliation and at this point, I don't want to reconcile because I recognize some of the ways he treated me weren't right and are not what I Want. Unless he made a change (I'm not perfect either) it wouldn't be in the cards.

 

I’m really sad today because of something I found out this morning. Our whole relationship he never had any money to do anything and I would pay often to do things; this didn’t bother me at the time, but it meant we didn’t go out much and do ‘couple’ things that cost money. It didn't bother me that terribly, but of course like everyone else in a couple I wanted to take little weekend trips and do things other than lounge and watch tv. I would ask him to go on vacation with me (I would even offer to split everything 75/25) and he would refuse my every suggestion, saying everything in the country where we lived was already old hat to him because he had seen it all before. We lived in Italy and could take train rides to adjacent towns which were all beautiful. He never wanted to do any of it. Before we broke up we were finally going to go somewhere great together, at a place that is very special to me as it is part of my heritage. I was so excited, and then a couple weeks later we broke up. We never got a chance to go together, but luckily tickets weren't bought and concrete plans weren't made at that point.

 

Today I hear that he is there, alone. It’s “our” place. He would back out every single time from going there with me until the very last time I asked, and now guess where he went? I keep feeling like I should be there with him, but instead I’m no longer a part of his life. There is no us anymore.

 

It hurts. I feel as if he moved on completely and forgot I ever existed.

[prettynthecity]

I just have to let it go, even though it hurts.

[wicked6018]

i feel your pain. my ex, (my ex as of today) never had any money to spend on me. not my birthday, not valentines day, nothing. when we would go out, which was rare, he rarely paid for me. YET, he always had money to put into his stupid band and buy his stupid friends food. for this guy to tell you he didn't want to go places because he'd already seen them is selfish, he should have gone for YOU. who cares if he'd already seen them? i find it a little fishy that he never really wanted to go out...almost like he didn't want to be seen in public with you. makes you wonder if there was another woman. you say that yall usually just would lay around and watch tv? that's what my now ex and i always did. it does hurt. it hurts so bad. i'd have to say that this man just clearly isn't the one for you. you can do much better. i hope you and i both find good men that will treat us much better.

[prettynthecity]

No, he wasn't upset about being seen in public with me and there was no other women. He just didn't have the money.

 

He was supposed to move back to the U.S. with me when I moved back earlier this year, but he lied to me about giving his landlord's notice. When I was (understandably) upset, I kept asking him to buy his ticket as proof he was actually coming back. By February he still hadn't bought a ticket to come back by May. It seemed fishy to me, so I would kind of grill him about it after a while.

 

Then he said May was too early and that September would be better since he wanted to travel and see Europe for one last summer. I asked, "alone?" He said yes. I said, "wow, look how you don't include me." And he just didn't get it. Only after a week or two he said to me he could see why I felt that way. And yet, he never offered to buy me a ticket to come visit him until I asked him. The whole time we were together for almost two years he didn't want to go anywhere, but now once I'm gone he suddenly gets the urge to go out and do things.

 

It makes me so upset I can't stand it. I totally understand your feelings.

[prettynthecity]

I caved and called.

 

He said there is no chance for reconciliation, ever. :sad:

 

I feel like never waking up again.

[aev]

First, I'm very sorry that you're hurting - it's never easy to hear someone you care about tell you that there's no hope. It can be devastating, and I hope you're taking care of yourself - staying busy, pampering yourself, putting yourself first, etc.

 

I've read some of your other posts in the Getting Back Together boards, and I'm curious - do you really want/are you ready for reconciliation? You don't seem so sure yourself. You seem to be flip-flopping, still stuck on how he mistreated you and how he's living this life without you. The latter can cut you deep - isn't that supposed to be OUR place, memories we should be sharing? But it doesn't have to hurt. He's probably not going to those places spitefully, or because he's single. As you yourself probably experienced, people try new things post-breakup. They're trying to redefine who they are as an individual outside a partnership, and his visit to those places probably had more to do with "hmm, I always wanted to go, but the old me was reluctant to try." Of course, I don't know your situation; only you do.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it seems like you haven't really forgiven him, or separated yourself enough from "us" to see "him" and "me." This is crucial to any relationship - but critical in reconciliations. This life he has now, where he's going places and trying things, is a sign of change - and didn't you say you wanted him to change? Don't think of it as a sign of loss, but as a sign of growth. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him growing himself.

 

When it comes down to it, your ex is a person just like you - trying to live his life as happily as possible with the information he has available. Maybe shifting your approach - to "he's just trying to be happy" from "what about us?" - might ease some of your pain.

 

Tons and tons of hugs, my dear.

[Snuggly]

I feel your pain too. My husband refused to go out or travel as he said he was sick of those things and wanted to relax. As soon as he left he was taking his new lady out regularly and off to Italy and Bali, both places he refused to go with me. Really hurt, as I thought he didnt want to go places, then I thought maybe he just doesnt want to go with me. He was just trying to ease his sense of loss and impress her. As time passes he is turning back into his lazy, stay at home self.

 

It was wrong of him to go to the place you most wanted to visit with him. He could have gone somewhere else. But he sounds like he was holding you back from having fun rather than being a full and supportive partner. You need to plan some special trip for yourself too, if thats possible. You sound like a great person and I am sure there is someone more supportive out there for you

[prettynthecity]

I could have sworn he was with someone when I called, but I'm not sure.

 

It's just odd for him to all of a sudden pick up and leave and go a place he refused to go.. and by himself, no less. He went to Sicily which is where *my* family is from. I begged him to visit with me so he could see my relatives but he fought tooth and nail. I wanted him to see more about where I am from. He just didn't want to.

 

He said the reason he didn't invite me to travel with him after I came back to the U.S. and he wanted to stay to visit places was because I would "cost too much money". He wanted to stay in hotels and "rough it," and thought I wouldn't like it.

 

He just told me he is staying in a comfy luxury bed and breakfast.

 

I guess he doesn't mind spending money now that he's alone.