To NC or not to NC? Need advice please

[jackofall]

Here's the timeline since I decided to try to get my ex-girlfriend back:

 

-Dated for over 2 years.

 

-Broke up this past December.

 

-Remained friends and hung out every week or two, even still exchanged Christmas gifts. Often times she would sleep over (no sex, kept our clothes on).

 

-Heard she was "seeing" someone. Didn't bother me.

 

-She kept coming over and we ended up having sex. No big deal, but I didn't want to lead her on (I still cared about her) so I wanted to be clear this wasn't us getting back together.

 

-Went out to eat with her the next weekend. Everything changed. I suddenly knew what I wanted. We had such a great time and I thought to myself "Why have I been noncommital? Everything I want is here."

 

-Came to her house the next day and told her everything. I was surprised she didn't have much of a reaction. She said we were better as friends. Well if that's true why did she continue to sleep over if she was supposedly into someone else???

 

-She stayed away from me for a couple of weeks. Came over to hang out and I laid it all out again (probably not smart I know).

 

-Cooled off for another couple of weeks, but I acted genuinely nice, sending her funny e-mails to her work (which I did even before I confessed how I felt about her) and texting her once or twice a week. It seemed a little much so I chilled out.

 

-Since then we've hung out like before. Once every week or two but with no sleeping over. She says she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. However last week she came over and we hung out for about 6 hours total. Watched some shows we both liked, went out to eat, and just had a good time. That weekend she asked what I was doing for the holiday weekend. Not much I said, she said the same. I said if you want to go do something come over. She ends up inviting me to a bar near her house for a few beers and food in the afternoon.

 

-That all doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I thought it was cool and that we were at least back to hanging out regularly. This week, absolutely nothing from her. I'm confused as hell. If anything I just want to be able to hang out with her more. We have a good time when we're together so I don't know what the deal is. To be honest usually she's not hanging out with this guy and is usually out with her friends (I know this through the grapevine). Supposedly they're "taking it slow", but how serious can it be?

 

I'm kind of at a loss. When I basically ignored her and stopped trying we hung out twice in one week. This week I didn't hear from her at all. What the hell is going on? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm confused about the whole NC thing in this situation because frankly we're still friends and it might be a little harsh to cut her off entirely in this situation. She's very into acting like she's above it all and might just say eff you and I'll never talk to her again. Confused......

[MadxMythMadame]

I don't know what happened between you two (It might help to elaborate), but I sounds to me that she's trying to be your friend and you want her back. It seems like both of you feel like the relationship prior was meaningful and special; however, it seems like she understand that you're a great person she doesn't want to lose in her life - so, it seems better to be your friend than nothing at all.

 

I think that you should have NC. It's difficult because you have to have so much self-discipline, but this break-up should give you a chance to revamp yourself, find an identity outside of that relationship, do the things that you want to do. You're trying too hard to keep her in your life and it should be a more natural occurrence than that. I'm not telling you that you need to let her go right now - that takes time, but just keep her at a distance. Remember, you're no longer dating her (I know, really hard to warp your mind around, try.) - you need to look out for you and not be concerned with her.

 

I also think that a few great moments should not dictate all your feelings about her. It makes you have these rose-colored glasses and think that everything when spectacular and that things after that will be the same. Those are some dangerous thoughts. Remember why things didn't work out, why things changed. Look at all the facts, what has happen prior before deciding that she's "the only one for you" and you want her back.

 

Here, I wrote this post a few months ago. I hope it helps:

[Doofus]

I don't know. Did I miss it? Who broke it off? Why? I think that it basically comes down to this: Can you be cool about seeing her no matter what? I know NC is gospel here and that its devotees insist it is not a strategy, however..... NC can bring your ex back if they are confused, as yours seems to be. The only thing more effective is being around, being fun and being disinterested in where things are going. This is especially true for men. If you can be happy with only what you are getting, no matter what it is, then that will 1. Driver her nuts - why aren't you pining for her?? 2. Keep your wonderfulness in her field of view. Only you know - and make sure you're evaluating with your head and not your heart - whether you are cool, or whether you're sweating desperation every time the two of you are together - or something in between. Anyway.... my advice is to get a drink, find a quiet place and think really really really hard about the situation. If you can detach a bit from the emotion, you'll know the best thing to do.

[dramallama]

The thing with being cool, is that it is just a front. No matter how much dumpees, men especially, try to play it cool, their body language is dead give away, and even the fact that they are willing to hang around and be available to someone that dumped them shows their ex that they have still got it bad. The ONLY way to genuinely be "cool" with the break up is to enforce years of NC. But by the time you are genuinely cool with your ex and what happens is when you are over them and when you can't be bothered with them anymore.

[Doofus]

Maybe... but my impression from the OP is that he was the dumper. And what's more, not all women are more perceptive and more together in these situations than are all men.

 

I think that going NC right now will only make him look weak in any case. It screams he can't handle it, whereas based on what's happened so far, she may be thinking he's handling it much too easily for her comfort. They've had sex post-breakup. She doesn't seem to be relying on him for relationship advice or (strictly... ) an ego boost. The answer to every rift is not to simply disappear in order to 'heal'.

 

I think we need more information.

[Doofus]

Maybe... but my impression from the OP is that he was the dumper. And what's more, not all women are more perceptive and more together in these situations than are all men.

 

I think that going NC right now will only make him look weak in any case. It screams he can't handle it, whereas based on what's happened so far, she may be thinking he's handling it much too easily for her comfort. They've had sex post-breakup. She doesn't seem to be relying on him for relationship advice or (strictly... ) an ego boost. The answer to every rift is not to simply disappear in order to 'heal'.

 

I think we need more information.

[dramallama]

Whether or not he was initially the dumper, he has since then changed his mind and laid it all on the line - twice - but she hasn't reciprocated and made it clear to accept his offer of being in a relationship again. She has said so herself, she doesn't want him to get "the wrong idea" - meaning that she doesn't want him to think that she wants to be with him.

 

Whether your ex or unrequited love thinks that you are weak for going into NC doesn't matter. You do what is best for you in the long run and what will promote healing so that you can be with someone that WILL want to be with you in a relationship. If you think about it, the weaker thing to do is to hang around even when you aren't getting anywhere, simply because it feels good. It takes strong will to cut yourself off from someone that doesn't want to be with you, even if you know it's for the best.

 

While I'm not saying that the OP should go cold turkey right now and go NC, but within the next few weeks if nothing develops into a relationship (and I predict that nothing will since the ex has said so herself), then the OP should lay his cards on the table, leave the ball in her court and let her know that she can contact him if she'd like to commit. And he should also be willing to leave and stick with NC and not settle for being friends. I mean, it's July now. I think that's a pretty long time to be in limbo, don't you?

[Doofus]

Does he sound desperate to get her back? Does she seem as if she's firm in her intentions? Really?!? That's your reading of it? It's not mine, but I'm open to the possibility that that's what's going on. That's why I advised him to think about things. What is never acknowledged here, is that NC is not a one-size-fits-all solution. As I've written elsewhere, in my situation, I was the dumper and I'm honoring NC at the dumpees request. I'm here because I miss her as a friend, as a lover etc. although, I never told her that because I was afraid. If my ex came on here and described the situation the universal advice would be 'NC'. When I asked for advice, the universal advice was 'NC'. If we both follow the advice, we'll never speak again. And that would be a real shame, especially if we both wanted to reconnect, but our pride and the advice of friends kept us from doing so.

You know, in very long term relationships there are periods when one or the other or both desperately wants out of the relationship. People fight, they get bored, they are afflicted with GIGS... why do those relationships survive? Because both partners know that a really big part of successful long-term relationships is negotiating reconciliations, be they over the position of the toilet seat, or over infidelity. Most Disney fairy tales end with the wedding. It's just assumed that the marriage is untroubled and perfect. Women, especially, it seems, buy into this notion. This is why women, I think, have an easier time leaving than do men. They are looking for 'the one' rather than the 'one worth fighting for'.

 

The truth is that all relationships exist on continua. From non-sexual to only sexual. From co-dependent to independent. And so on. I'm afraid that too many on here have a Manichean view of human relations. They are looking at things the wrong way and to the detriment of us all.

[dramallama]

He is desperate, otherwise he wouldn't be posting here asking what to do and analysing everything between them in detail.

 

You obviously have never seen divorce statistics (almost 50%).

 

Anyways, that's my advice to him, whether you agree with it or not.

[jackofall]

I'm sorry I didn't elaborate on the actual breakup. My attempt at keeping things short:

 

Essentially we went out for two years and she sent me mixed signals a lot. She's a very sarcastic girl with a silver tongue (a type I love), but she was like that ALL THE TIME. I couldn't tell her anything serious without her cracking a joke. Plus as independent as she tried to be inside she wanted to spend all of her time with me. She wanted to move in together at one point and I just felt we weren't ready yet, but assured her next year we would (the big reason was I didn't have a job at the time and I knew part of the reason she wanted to move out was to get away from her parents).

 

All of this threw me off and at the end of the day she didn't think I didn't enough nice things for her and compliment her enough. Honestly I am a very sensitive guy and if anything I would be guilty of complimenting a girl too much. At the end of the day I just thought we were cool like that: We didn't have to shower each other with compliments and such. Hell even when I did shoot her a compliment she would make a sarcastic remark, so I thought it was a sign of weakness to her. She thought I wasn't loving enough and I thought she wasn't in touch with herself enough.

 

When we talked about if we should stay together (and eventually broke up) she said she puts up walls to protect herself. I said "I just don't think it should be this much work." What I meant was that we should be able to communicate better. Later I find out she took it as me saying she wasn't worth it. I would never, ever say that to her. Of course I can't explain all this because the couple of times I've told her how I feel I just talk AT her and we don't have a real conversation. She shuts down when grown up talk comes up. It sucks. I know she has real feelings and she even told a friend of mine she still loves me but "won't let herself do that again" i.e., go back to me. ???

 

In all honesty as far as I knew it was a mutual breakup but to her I was the dumpee.

 

PS: Am I desperate? Sure you could say that. I love her very much and I think communication was the only problem. Obviously that's a big one but all she needs to do is tell me what she wants if I'm not getting the hint, which is all I wanted in the first place.

[dramallama]

That's what I mean - you need to lay it all on the line and let her know that you want to try again, but leave the ball in her court. Put a time limit (one or two months) of how long you are willing to hang around. Why do you still want to hang around after she said that she doesn't want to give you the wrong impression? Why not take that as cue to move on?

[Doofus]

Why is it obvious that I haven't seen divorce statistics? I am saying that even those marriages which survive till death do they part have significant rough spots. My point, which I apologize for not making more clearly to you is this: What separates those marriages which end in divorce from those which do not is the willingness of the partners to work with each other under difficult circumstances, rather than cut and run when it seems that their partner is not so interested in continuing the relationship. I think that everyone in long-term marriages sometimes wants, more than anything, to get out. Humans, as a species, lie uncomfortably between swans (absolutely monogamous) and dogs (absolutely not). To survive you have to be willing to rush into the fire, risking getting burned, and reach for those things worth saving before they are consumed.

[Doofus]

OK jackofall, I agree with the llama's last bit of advice. Tell her what you want (if you know and, then, be prepared to move on or to wait until she wants it too. I'm not so sure about making a time-line explicit... there are really big pros and cons to it.

 

Anyway, good luck! Let us know what happens.

[MadxMythMadame]

And for all that, you should have NC. She's not ready to open herself up to someone, especially you because she's afraid of being hurt. When people are afraid of that kind of pain, they either face it or run. She doesn't realize the beauty of being vulnerable, so right now, she's doing her way of running. I think if you really cared about her, you should let her find out her own way. It's not something you can force (even if you think you're not), or tell her about. It's something you can only dream and hope for.

 

Let her be and have her figure out what she wants and how she's going to get it. You should just worry about how to get on with your life for now. Just live in the present right now - don't think about getting back together, dating again, ETC. Just NC and the other beautiful things out there.

[jackofall]

That's what I mean - you need to lay it all on the line and let her know that you want to try again, but leave the ball in her court. Put a time limit (one or two months) of how long you are willing to hang around. Why do you still want to hang around after she said that she doesn't want to give you the wrong impression? Why not take that as cue to move on?

 

And for all that, you should have NC. She's not ready to open herself up to someone, especially you because she's afraid of being hurt. When people are afraid of that kind of pain, they either face it or run. She doesn't realize the beauty of being vulnerable, so right now, she's doing her way of running. I think if you really cared about her, you should let her find out her own way. It's not something you can force (even if you think you're not), or tell her about. It's something you can only dream and hope for.

 

Let her be and have her figure out what she wants and how she's going to get it. You should just worry about how to get on with your life for now. Just live in the present right now - don't think about getting back together, dating again, ETC. Just NC and the other beautiful things out there.

 

Just wanted to say in general thanks for all the advice.

 

Anyhow, it's been about 2 months since I dropped the bomb about how I felt about her just to make that clear.

 

Essentially our birthdays are both coming up in the next 6-7 weeks. A girl_friend of mine who also knows her insists she will be there, so I'm hoping she will be for mine. For hers, will I get an invite? I have no idea but I hear your advice. When one or both of those events have come and gone I have to pretty much just lay it out there. I love hanging out with her but it also sucks because I go in the tank for a few days after she leaves because I have no idea when she's coming back.

 

I just never know what to do. Last week things were cool, so do I ask her to do something??? This week no contact from her. Was she pissed? Indifferent? I'm really bad at these games. I'm a very logical thinker and obviously this is not a logical situation at all (I think).

[jackofall]

Don't mean to double post, but I also wanted to mention that yes we are friends however she won't tell me the "other guy"'s name, glosses over that topic all the time, etc. Don't know if that means anything but just figured it was important to mention.