advice on starting to date... or just making a new friend

[tacs1895]

So I recently met a nice woman at an evening class, one of the things I started as a new thing to do straight after my breakup five months ago. We've stayed and chatted a couple of times after the class, and then recently been talking online a bit too. She's friendly, funny, pretty good looking and we seem to have a fair bit in common. We've said we might meet up for a drink or something sometime soon, separate from just bumping into each other at the evening class.

 

I'm just considering where I think this might go, and where I might want it to go (or not). Basically, I'm not completely over my ex yet, not by a long way really, because I still think about her and miss her a lot. Would still be interested in reconciling if it became a possibility to be honest. Which makes me think it's probably too soon for me to think about seeing someone else, certainly not in a serious way. However, part of me thinks it might be good to just date a bit though, because it will help with rebuilding some confidence and so on. Certainly it's felt good and a bit exciting to meet and talk with someone new. Previously I've never really done the casual dating thing, whenever I've got together with someone it's been someone I'd already got to know a bit, and thought there was long-term potential (even if it actually ended up only lasting a month or two). The idea of just seeing someone new in a relaxed way is quite appealing, but also quite unusual for me. I certainly don't like the idea of just using another person to get over my ex, because that's not fair to the other person. But I also feel that it might be helpful for me to have the distraction of a new person.

 

Even if not to date, I definitely think this new girl is a fun person who I'd like to get to know more, maybe just as a new friend, because as I said, we seem to have a fair amount in common. It's always nice to make a new friend. But if I decide a friendship is all I'm interested in then I'd have to be careful not to give her the wrong idea, because I wouldn't want to lead someone on.

 

So I guess what all this amounts to is considering both

- what I'd like and would be good for me

and

- how to make sure I don't mess around with someone else, I know I'd like to get to know her more but not sure quite at what level.

 

And of course, I'm not just assuming that she's interested in me as boyfriend material either! Maybe she's just happy to make a new friend too, which would be fine with me. It's not like I've totally fallen for her or anything, I still don't know her that well! I'm just thinking ahead to what might happen and how to handle it best, both for me and with respect for the other person.

 

Any thoughts much appreciated...

[irishgerry]

I recently went on a couple of dates. Not over my ex yet but dont think theres any chance of reconciliation and dont want to reconcile to be honest. Its good to meet new people, get the confidence back etc. If you are only looking to be her friend just be up front and honest with her. If you meet her and she seems keen on taking it further just say you are only out of a relationship so need to take things slow. Best to be up front about it then to lead her on. I've been on 2 dates with a girl, I thought i was ready for something but I'm not so I have to have the talk with her. Should have been upfront from the start, guess its my fault. When you meet with this girl you'll know if you are ready for something, best of luck!

[BabyO]

I am in the same boat. I have my first date tomorrow night. He seems nice, but I am so not over my ex. Maybe it is too soon for me to even been on date since it is only about 6 weeks since the break up. But, I am sad and if others show me kindness and want to get to know me then why not. I am taking it very slow and plan to tell him that I am recently out of a break up. But, I need to move on with life, I have no idea if my ex will ever change his mind to try once again with us. And even though I love him to pieces it is not fair to stop my life and remain crying here everday like I have been. I will force myself to move on.

 

I would say don't think ahead to much. Just make sure you tell here your postion, and if she likes you alot she will understand and move at your pace. Have fun and we all deserve to have our hearts heald.

[Eocsor]

Dating quickly again after a breakup is usually not a good idea. You are in a raw emotional state and may transfer romantic feelings to the new partner that aren't really there. Then they get the idea that you really care and before you know it they are posting on Enotalone as well.

 

I think the litmus test for dating should be that you are over your ex to the extent that you wouldn't go running back to them if they asked to reconcile.

 

I know it's lonely after you get dumped, but you have to be strong enough to be on your own for awhile to sort things through and heal. Your life shouldn't be defined by the need to have a partner of some kind. If you can't handle staying alone to at least heal yourself, you are going to be way too needy in your future relationships.

 

Barring that, if you absolutely must date, be totally honest with your partner and tell them that you are just out of a relationship and just looking for someone for light hearted dating at this stage.

 

You know how bad it feels to get screwed over, so don't do it to someone else just so you don't have to feel lonely.

[tacs1895]

I agree that I think my instinct is that I'm not really ready for dating yet. But I would still like to get to know this new person better, maybe just as a friend. In which case, I need to be clear about that. But it also seems a bit drastic to me to say it completely bluntly straight away, for two reasons. First, although I think dating is probably too much at this point, it could be that at some point it's more realistic with this new girl, in which case I don't want to have completely ruled it out already. It might start as friendship, but turn into something more later. Who knows, if I were to say the line about 'not being ready for a relationship at the moment' this girl might just think that was a way of saying I'm not actually interested in her. Even though I would be just telling the truth, because actually I am quite interested in her. The other reason is that it could seem a bit presumptuous at this stage to just come out with this! To just assume that she's interested in me in that way seems slightly arrogant. When maybe she'd just be up for making a new friend too.

 

 

I would say don't think ahead to much. Just make sure you tell here your postion, and if she likes you alot she will understand and move at your pace. Have fun and we all deserve to have our hearts heald.

 

 

I think as BabyO said, I won't think too far ahead. I'd definitely like to get to know her better, and then I guess just see how it goes and how I feel. I'll be honest of course, but nor am I going to make a big deal out of my relationship thoughts. I'll mention my ex when it seems appropriate, neither avoiding the issue nor making too big a deal out of it. And just focus on this new friendship/relationship/whatever for what it is, in and of itself. Which will become clearer as it goes on.