The Changed Man in My Boyfriend's Body

[MadxMythMadame]

I recently got back with my military-army boyfriend after 4 months of not being together and NC. We both know that we can't rekindle the 3 years we had before because the 4 months changed our outlook on life completely. When we were dating before, he was very vibrant, optimistic, and had such a spirit. I had low self-esteem, highly pessimistic, and tried hard to break out of it. We were engaged for 2 years - this path to getting married, having kids, having a whole future together.

 

Now, since we've gotten back together, it has this strange sense of something familiar and foreign. I've revamped myself into someone who I love and am highly confident about. As for him? After he came home from training, he became the opposite of what he used to be. He's now a pessimist - which actually isn't the problem because I can relate to him more. But since he's become a pessimist, he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, due to a lot of unsuccessful military relationships and marriages. I really understand what he means. I mean, after seeing so many relationships fall apart - who wouldn't be scared for their own relationship, but I still want to have that feeling of working towards what we used to have - that feeling of a definite future. It's dangerous having that feeling and knowing that it's not what he wants anymore.

 

I honestly don't know how to cope with this feeling. I know I'm over-thinking things like I always do, but I feel like it's going to be a problem in the future. I've talked to him about it, but I think, at the moment, we're just trying to figure out the new and improved people we are now and that this is our fresh start. I pretty sure I'm going to get comments about worrying about later, but I can't help it. We want this relationship to work. He told me that he's in this 100%, but how could he be 100% if he doesn't see full commitment?

 

How do I cope? What should I do?

[SunWorshipper]

The title of your thread, suggests such a drastic change in your boyfriend that he seems like a stranger..?

Yet, I get the impression its almost like a role reversal - would that be accurate?

 

You certainly seem to have empathy, as you've pointed to, because you've been there and perhaps if you feel able to extend your patience with him he will come to terms with those feelings of not wanting to get married. - I notice you said you were "on this path" to marriage but not that he necessarily believed in marriage previously?

 

You both may have quite different reasons eg you felt pessimistic. However, I think perhaps the role-reversal idea is not as straight forward as all that. His feelings about marriage may also be to do with being pessimistic, but if he has been in the army, perhaps learned from his past relationships, the army teaches many people about the fragility and preciousness of life and while in some it creates the desire to embrace life even more, in others it can create such a strong sense of grounding and a reality check, that it can be hard to see past the very real possibility of feeling responsible for devastating someone else's life should that person's life be taken through war events.. Has he talked to you about this or have you approached him to talk to him about this? It seems like a major thing here reading your post.

 

I can see how it might feel contradictory him saying he is "in this 100%" yet saying he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, but if his feelings to do with what might happen to him whilst in the army and where that could leave you and any children if you have them, could be causing this serious internal conflict for him.

 

I am not sure that you will find your answers on here, until you communicate with him and if the reasons are not those I have suggested may be the reasons, it might be best to ask him if there is some other or additional reason(s) why he feels this way about marriage.

[FathomFear]

Do these "changes" coincide with an extended deployment of any sort? It's quite common for such experiences to rattle people and change their outlook on life, reprioritize, etc.

[MadxMythMadame]

At first, he was a little put off by just the sheer change in our hometown, so he was practically a stranger. Once he got the hang of things again, he was able to be the guy I recognized. There are changes that make him seem like a stranger, but we both figured that it's just a brand new relationship - just with a lot of history. So right now he's a familiar stranger, so to speak?

 

He did believe in marriage previously. He was a highly optimistic person before the army and definitely understood what we had to do to make a life for us - because any trouble was worth it. I think now he's been surrounded with men who are in love and have had so much heartache from break-ups and divorces. He has admitted of being scared of that happening to us - hence our 4-month separation, and told me that we're going to have work on confidence in figuring out this intense LDR.

 

We are never had any previous relationships. We're each others one and only and he's not been in the army for very long. It's only been about 5-6 months in the army, but I understand he's been through a lot even before then - the moment he decided to go to the army. He has told me about how the value of life has opened his eyes to many possibilities of what could happen - which I see what you mean. Thanks - for some reason, it's nice to have something in print.

 

It's definitely the things that you've mentioned and thanks, I will definitely ask him if there are any further reasoning for his fear of marriage.

 

I kind of sound like I want to get married now, but I promise it's not the case. I just feel like I would be a little more secure about our relationship if I knew that we were building toward even something like marriage. I'm a girl - what can I say right?

[SunWorshipper]

I'm really glad I helped.

 

I think now he's been surrounded with men who are in love and have had so much heartache from break-ups and divorces. He has admitted of being scared of that happening to us

 

This sounds like a very strong reason to be intensely fearful. This prospect may be so emotionally overwhelming, ie the idea of great loss (a huge compliment to you), that he feels he cannot face the prospect and by disconnecting all pleasurable ideas, thoughts and feelings to do with marriage and maybe even denying all interest in it, he can stay safe ie as far away as possible from the pain that that may possibly bring with it..! In essence.. it may well be a defence mechanism and his resistance a way to shield himself from the reality that he feels he is powerless to control the prospect of losing you.

Perhaps if you talked this out together, you could reassure him that you are in it for the long haul, but ultimately it's his fear that needs to be addressed and you shouldn't feel you have to do this, because he needs to find confidence in himself to know you will stay with him and he can contribute positively and meaningfully to the relationship in such a way that he is building in to it strength and commitment for both of you and he needs to have confidence in you, which does require a large element of faith, because it relies on trusting you - trust can be one of the biggest relationship hurdles anybody can face. Ultimately, it sounds like his confidence might be shaken and the loss of belief in marriage (again, this may not be an actual loss but what he wants you to believe) comments are very useful comments to put you off and putting a barrier up, means you will be put off - if you can tell him you see that he is doing this and that you still love him, if you do, he won't feel defensive or criticised (might be worth pointing this out also before you even start this conversation) and may let his guard down about the idea because ulitmately he may be feeling extremely vulnerable.

 

We are never had any previous relationships

 

I wondered from this information if he felt at all that he doesn't have enough experience to be with you? Almost as if: he is worried about failing you in a relationship because of his lack of experience with other partners? It might be compounding his feelings of vulnerability with a sense of inadequacy - whether that's accurate or not and regardless of what you actually think - he may still feel it and need it spelling out a few times to make this really sink in, if it's an issue.