PLEASE READ ASAP- need inputs - contacting ex

[tristesse]

Hello to all of you who saw my last post about sending him a letter as advised by my psychologist…:

Last post: link removed

 

 

oh la la, it sounds so sad, when I have to actually admit that I had to seek help to move on and to let go!

Well I guess I am glad I did. My relationship of four years ended so suddenly and in such a inhuman way. Basically my ex just moved back to Los Angeles. I live in Toronto. He didn't tell me anything about his plans, in fact in was suppose to be a 2 weeks vacations but a day before he was due back in Toronto, he called me and told me that he will not come back. This is basically a very very cut and edited and short version of my most horrible nightmare ever.

 

I wrote 14 pages it's true, but once I met the psychologist she had a lot to say about that letter too.

She read it before we met and she was very touched by what I had to say. I explained to her my fears, and how I feel giving him a letter will be like giving him another piece of me. Also I was scared, because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction to know how I felt and how miserable I have been.

But she made some great points and I want to share them with you to get your inputs on it.

 

My ex has been telling everybody that he hopes to be my friend one day, when he no longer thinks of me every day and when he no longer loves me. (He didn't come back to break up face to face, because according to him, if he saw me he wouldn't have been able to leave, also I should maybe mention that Judaism was the big issue and the reason of the break up, since I am not Jewish and his family didn't approve of me and he was not man enough to stand up to what he believed in.

Basically he didn't give me any explanations or closures and he hopes to do it in a year or tow……Also he might seem like a monster now, he was the best thing every and the best b'f, and nobody could have guessed this as every body, including me thought he loved me more than I did love him. Every body was always amazed by our love and great friendship and our unique relationship. We were like a married couple, without being married and we shared 4 great years together… then ending was the last thing I was excepting.. I really didn't see it coming, as things were just perfect between us!

 

But I also resent the person he is now, it's like I have discovered another aspect of him that I never knew about.

By him leaving the way he left, he didn't only hurt me but , deeply hurt my family who loved him as one of us. My sister who was his best friend and was getting married a month after the break up, he was the MC and he didn't even send a note.. he just vanished like a thief!

 

My Dr think that I should write an letter where I explain my feelings but also a good bye letter, since I never said good bye to him!

She thinks that each person had to live the consequences of their actions and that my ex, like ant other human being had to learn the lesson !

There are a lot left t o say, which she thinks, I have the right to share them with him

 

Also, as much as it hurts and kills me, I know that he no longer can be my friend or anything because he is a dishonest person.

My dr wants me to say good bye to him forever. Letting him know that I will keep him and his memories in the past without carrying it with me in the future, that I no longer want to hear from him , see him or anything. Not tomorrow, or in 1 year, not even in 10 years….

She is right in a way, because she truly think that in his head, he can come back in a year and two and start where he left out, also he knows me enough and knows I forgive easily……

 

By writing this letter, I can thereforeeee explain to him my pain, my love, sorrow, disappointment, and also say good by in my way to him.

To her, the day I'll decide to sent that letter, my true journey in the path of recovery will start, as I will decide myself that I will never never and never again see him and I will truly end it!

So basically she thinks I should send a letter, not 14 pages but maybe 1 page!

 

Also she doesn't think in my case burning the letter will do angry good, bec he has done bad and I need to let him know how his behavior affected people's life, emotions and all.. he need to see how his actions have consequences.

 

Let me know what you all think.

Kisses to all of you

[wow]

Hi,

 

I think writing things down can often help you to sort out your thoughts. It can be very theraputic. I once wrote a letter to one of my ex's. It wasn't 14 pages, but it contained all of the stuff that your letter does/will. How much I felt hurt by her, how she'd let me down and how I still had feelings for her but could never see her again because she wasn't the person I thought she was. I guess I opened my heart right out onto the paper.

 

Maybe a year later I was thinking about what I wrote to her and how I had laid down all my most intimate thoughts and feelings, and I suppose how I had tried to make her feel guilty and to make her feel some of the loss I had. What would she have thought? Maybe all the stuff I wrote just re-enforced how much I missed her? She would always know how upset I was, and really she could only eventually have been flattered by that, no matter how it was worded.

 

You see, I AM SO GLAD THAT I DIDN'T POST THAT LETTER!

 

I don't charge by the hour, but your pyschologist is wrong my friend. Your true journey in the path of recovery will start when you decide not to post it.

 

Take care.

[tristesse]

u think so? Because I refused to post it - but she thinks I need too.. U see I have not shared anything w him other than: I HATE YOU ;-)

[LaSirena]

Tristesse, I was advised by my psychologist to write a letter also. I haven't. My gut tells me not to.

 

In your case, what bothers me is this: you say that he ended your relationship because you're not Jewish and his parents don't approve. I'm assuming that he was raised by these same parents and not by wolves, and will go further in assuming that he KNEW they wanted him to marry Jewish. So why was he dating you in the first place?

 

And in the second place, if he was going to go ahead and date/marry a non-Jewish woman, then he should have made that decision in his own head and heart before he started dating you. AND he should have informed his parents of that decision. You don't drag someone into a muddle that you haven't sorted out for yourself yet. It's selfish and hurtful.

 

What his parents want is more important to him than what he wants. He'll marry someone acceptable to them. Would you want to marry this man and know that you're so expendable? Would you want your children to have grandparents who feel this way?

 

Psychologists seem to advise this sort of thing by rote. They think it's "cleansing" and gives "closure." Closure is highly overrated and in real life, rarely achieved. My mother always taught me, "If a man drops you, he's a fool. And what woman needs a fool?" I was also taught to NEVER speak another word to a man who has dismissed me from his life. It's beneath me. The one time that I deviated from my mother's advice, and took the therapeutic advice, I ended up like this:

 

It does no good, it makes little impression on the person (except to make them resent you for pointing out their failings and their obvious injuries to you) and if you think it will in any way bring them back, you're dead wrong. All that it does, at least in my experience and opinion, is make you look pathetic and weak.

 

I'm sure your therapist means well. You might ask her how many times she's sent letters to men who have dumped her. Ask her how it turned out. But my sense is: forget it.

[wow]

Dead right. Please don't post it, you will really regret it later. I can see why your psychologist sees it as "closure" but it will not be good for you.

 

Right now your emotions are all over the show and I know it's *so* tempting to have a rant at him. You won't always feel like this though. Once the dust has settled you will start to feel strong again, and the last thing you will want is to know that you sent him a letter that (no matter how it is worded) says how hurt and upset you are.

 

As LaSirena says, it may briefly upset him to read it, but it won't change his mind, and in the end he will simply view it as and admission of how much he meant to you. It may even give him an excuse to resent you.

 

Like I said, I felt much like you do, but later I was *so* glad I hadn't posted it. I don't think I can even tell you how glad I was!

 

Cliche, but the best revenge is living well, and living as if that person doesn't matter at all. If you are always civil to him (no crazy letters!) then he will never have any excuse to dislike you and he will always remember that one day he threw away someone who was his friend and was always nice to him. Every time he has a failed relationship he will remember you and remember what he threw away.

 

Who knows, when you've moved on, you're doing well for yourself and you're happy, maybe he'll come crawling back. And there's no better revenge than that.

[tristesse]

Thank you for ur posts..I don't wantto send a hursh letter about how I hate him, but one where I tell him GOOD bye.. which I nvere did!

[ReneinDC]

I'm a little confused as to why you made 2 topics about this letter situation? Everything that can be said and has been said is in your first topic. I think the consensus is NOT to send the letter to your ex. I know it's hard for you to get some closure given the way he broke up with you.. but unfortunately that may never happen. Not ever relationship is going to have closure which is why you have to find power within yourself to close the door. Sending a letter to him is a way to cling and keep the turmoil going in my opinion. Are you hoping for a response from you letter if you send it? Most likely he wont respond to it especially if you're telling him goodbye forever.. why should he respond to that? I know I wouldn't if I were in his position. And if you get no reaction.. then what? It will only cause you more pain trust me on this and you will be worse off than you are now and you'll be posting again about what a mistake it was sending the letter.

[tristesse]

First I am sorry I was having computer problem and I couldn't post on the first one that Ipost ..so I had to make a new post.

I do not wish a reply. in fact I know he won't.

I am just clsoing the doors w this letter w a beautiful good bye.

I no longer wish to hearfrom him. And to me our 4 years meant a lot and the lesson was important. I think I can share that w him, bec we are no longer kids and what we had was special even thus it's over and even thus now I ma happy that it did ended. It still hurts don't get me wrong, but Iknow it's for the best.

Thanks for all your inputs.. Ilove reading you

[auburnslp]

I think it's the right thing to do. I have achieved closure only because I said absolutely all I had to say...and because it all didn't matter...it didn't change anything. So either way you win. You have now said goodbye...he will either remain steadfast or he will come back...that is now out of your control completely.

 

But I will wish for what you wish for...I will hope that what happens next is what you would desire...

 

Good luck sweet...be strong...life does get so much better now, just wait and see...

 

Michael