Physically Sick.....

[BabyO]

Today is 26 days since the BU.

 

I find myself to be physically sick over this situation. I find it hard to breath, and I am have sharp pains going up my arm. I fell like I want to throw up all the time. I can't snap out of this sadness, not even for a day. Does he miss me at all? Why couldn't he give me a real reason besides the distance to end this. I don't have any closer, and I can't move on without it. I want to send him an email and break NC...maybe he wants to hear from me...maybe he made a mistake.

 

I did not DESERVE this, and all I ever did was love him.. He even told me that he was sorry for hurting me, and that all I ever did was love him. It is the summer and the weather is nice, and all I do is sit inside watching TV. People ask me to go out, and tell me to do things. But, I don't want to because it does not make me feel better. It just makes me feel like I am doing all these things without him... I try to find some bad in the relationship and to be honest there was more good by far then bad......

 

Why can't I let this go????????

[TOOPRETTY4THIS]

Omg!! I understand where your coming from! Im in the same situation! It has been 3 weeks sense i heard his voice or seen his face and its killing me!!!! The weather makes it no better its been raining off and on and all i can think about is the cozy days and nights we could have been on the couch cuddling!!! This has been the most extreme pain i ever endured all i can say is please stick to your nc show him you are stronger and as time permist maybe we will realized that they didnt deserve us anyway if their going to treat us like this!! Also its the feeling of rejection that makes it hard for us to let go......i havent eaten a real meal in 3 weeks! I lost 15 pounds and still counting!! Its so hard!

[lovesforlife]

I am going through a similar "withdrawal" stage - with the same kinds of physical reactions - sharp pain in my chest, burning up my arms. My ex and I would have celebrated ten years together this fall. Now he wants nothing to do with me at all. It has been a year and over the course of the year he went from wanting to be friends and go on tripes together, despite having a girlfriend, to wanting me to move anywhere and be with anyone if it would get me to leave him alone.

 

I do not recommend breacking NC. Each time I did, he lost respect for me and wanted less communication. If he wanted to talk to you, he would contact you and if you are having this deep withdrawal, you are probably not in a good place to speak with him anyway.

 

I didn't trust the NC advice, didn't follow it and I think it has messed me up more and made me completely undesirable to my ex at this point. He still cares about me but I think he is happy to not have to deal with my "emotionality" at this point.

 

So don't do it. For you, you will heal better without contact and for your relationship with him, what you had is gone. Let it go with grace and dignity (unlike me) and heal yourself for either reconciling with him down the road or meeting someone else.

[BabyO]

I try, really I do. I never felt such dispare. I only felt this sick when my dad died. Not even when I divorced by ex husband did I feel this pain. I believe that only once in a lifetime you meet that one....He was it, he was my solemate. We discussed this so often, how we both waited such a long time for each other. And now he left me, how can this be happening? Plus, the fact that he told me how he can't get it straight in his own head or how he has this sick pain in his stomach. He admitted it should not have ended like this....but yet he is still gone.... Looking back on past exes by now almost a month in I would have been feeling better. knowing this was the right decision.....But, I don't feel this with our BU. Not even a bit. How can someone just walk out on true love???? HOW???? I wanted to send him this song...

 

 

 

But,my pride is stopping me. I am freaking crying as I write this post........ My love for him is so strong that I will walk away, but I don't know how to heal my heart.....

[Meriem]

((((((hugs))))))) I know you might not wana hea this but what you're going through is normal, I also felt soo much withdrawal after breaking up I felt I so depressed so sad so in the dark that nothing could've made me happy, I'm sorry you're feeling that way right now, it will pass but ONLY if you allow it, read about breakups, do everything you can to comfort yourself and feel better, vent all you want, punch pillows, just let it all out cuz it hurts and I know it does but it's just a stage and it'll pass trust me I was ther I felt like serious withdrawal after breaking up with my ex, I mean I was deep deep in depression I felt my heart was ripped and nothing could replace it, being alive was just so hard and torture for me but look atme now! I'm SO much better I'm doing great yes I do think about it every no and then but it doesn't hurt, and one day ONE DAY it won't even cross my mind...

You just have to have the WILL to let go and do everything possible to heal yourself, read read read going to all sorts of websites was the most helpful thing to me I learned so much and it helped me so much

[lovesforlife]

It is extremely difficult. Especially when it is real love and you envision a future together. I am so sorry you are feeling this pain.

 

Do not send the song at this time. If he does not respond, it will hurt you. If he responds with only "thanks," it will bait you and you will seek out more communication that may never come.

 

At this time, keep space between you and him, especially if he has asked for it or has not made any attempt to contact you. It is so hard. When they go, you don't just lose them, you lose all your hopes and dreams with them. The harder you fell, the closer you were, the more you depended on them for support, love and happiness (which we should never do), the harder it is and the more drastic the withdrawal from them.

 

Out of respect for his decision and more importantly, for yourself, do not contact him. I regret doing so and have no intention of contacting my ex. He expressly told me he did not want to share his personal life with me, he did not want to talk about where he was looking for jobs, how his life was going - nothing. It hurts to be pushed away and that is the more likely than not result if you pursue him after he has let you go. Maintain your value.

[Meriem]

 

But,my pride is stopping me. I am freaking crying as I write this post........ My love for him is so strong that I will walk away, but I don't know how to heal my heart.....

 

Love is not pain, pain is pain don't confuse it with love, and once you remove him from his pedestal you'll start feeling so much better, believe me when I say this he is just a human being a normal one nothing special, and once you really start healing you'll see that and your love for him won't be so powerful that it'll put you in so much pain..... I used to idolize my ex, I used to think I have the most unconditional love for him that I'd do anything and everything for him, wow I was in so much hurt and denial... but now I see him for who he truly is, just a person, a person who mistreated me and who didn't value me and he lost me (his loss) so whatever, he can go to hell do what ever he wants I really couldn't care less & I KNOW you'll get there too some time soon

[lovesforlife]

Meriem is right about the pedestal effect. I've read a lot about relationships and breakups and there is a tendency for dumpees to idolize the dumper as well as to blame themselves for the breakup. I am probably the epitome of that. When I think about it, a few months before the breakup I really was unhappy and thought my ex was using me, didn't love me, was not contributing, was not communicative enough, etc. I saw his flaws. But now that he is gone, I've convinced myself he was perfect and I ruined everything. That is not the case but I have trouble thinking about it rationally. He immediately started his current girlfriend so he hasn't really had to deal with being alone. She tries to dump him all the time and until she finally does, he won't feel the reality of how he contributed to the breakup as well. He is not without fault and he is not the only good man. I thought my child's father was "the one", life thought otherwise. I thought my recent ex was the new "one," that may not be the case.

[Meriem]

^ Exactly, if you were unhappy then, then even if you continued with him he'll still have those flaws an you'll continue being unhappy, remember his faults and the bad times, if he was really that great he wouldn't have left, you deserve to be with someone who will make you the happiest ever and someone who will never leave you.. Read this link removed this website really helped me getting everything in perspective, and I hope it'll help you too

[BabyO]

But, that is my whole issue. The flaws were very very few. Nothing to break up over. For the first time, I finally met someone who played no games, was honest about his feeling, and loved me the way I always wanted to be loved. I have dated plenty from my past who treated me bad and were wrong for me. I swore I would wait for the one who treated me like I deserve.. It was him, and this is why I can't let this go. I don't idolize him at all. I know he is not perfect, no one is. I don't think he is superman.....he was just someone who showed me real and true love. I want to understand his choice to end this. I know the LDR ruined this for us.....like it made his feelings more confused...he stated this...He said he felt we had a relationship that was constantly tested by the distance.; But, he always assured me that his love would never fade. He when he broke it off, it took 5 hrs of us crying....he kept saying how he does not want to do this, but he came to a cross road and leaving was the solution. He said he loves me and always willl. How do I move on from that???? It is not like he said he does not want to be friends, I just never replied to his last email where he stated that after this he know there will be no room in my heart from him, but I will always have roomin his....... Relationships are hard, but, love should want to work it out not walk out. I guess I am so hurt that he chose to leave then to fight for this.......

[lovesforlife]

What was the crossroad then? Why did he need to break up?

[Meriem]

Someone who is so perfect for you wouldn't leave you, and "the one" will always stay no matter what, if you were willing to stay in this LDR relationship why didn't he? You should be with someone who is honest, won't play games and all of that AND who will WANT to be with you no matter what, just like how you want to be with them

[BabyO]

I don't know what the crossroad was.. I assume it was the distance. He said he can't go on another day without me by his side. Seeing each other on the wkd and maybe every other one was not working for him anymore. He said he hurts way to much and wants me by his side every night... We were trying to make that happen, even house shopping. But, then I lost my job and had to take one even further away. Now the house we were going to buy is off. He said he had to fight long and hard with his heart. But, he could not do this anymore. He said he felt like we were apart most of the time, so why not be apart... He said this is probably a huge mistake, but only time will tell that. He said that he had concerns that we might not have that much in common to make a marriage work. Is all being said while his best friend is going through a BAD divorce and he is in the middle helping his friend store funiture in his townhouse etc.... But, not even one has everything in common. Most important stuff be had. Honesty, respect, loyalty etc.... Plus, we had fun together....etc.... But, you are right how can one just walk out... I don't understand... Two months ago we were house shopping and now it is over.....

[pietro5266]

Relationships are hard, but, love should want to work it out not walk out. I guess I am so hurt that he chose to leave then to fight for this.......

 

I agree completely. I also wish I could have convinced my ex to work things out, given the connection we had, but she was unwilling. Very hard to understand.

[TOOPRETTY4THIS]

Good advice i commend you for your uplifting straight forward spirit! I needed to hear this i was contemplating texting today it took everything in me not to!

[BabyO]

Plus, I still have stuff at his place. I don't even want to contact him to get it. I don't understand why he has not mailed me it or asked me to come get it. I can't bring myself to contact him to even tell him I will stop over. I know if I do I will just cry all over again in front of him etc... And even if he was not there I would just sit on his porch and cry. Should I just forget about my things???

[lovesforlife]

If they are things you need and/or want, see if a friend can get them for you. You seem too emotional right now. Or wait until more time has passed and ask to get them. My ex has left a lot of his stuff in my house. Now he says he doesn't need them. Much of it are items he hand selected from his father's house when he passed away. I know he does not need the stuff for day to day living, but at some point he may want it so I don't want to throw it out. I've mentioned it a few times and at first it was stuff he said he kept here to maintain a connection with me, then it was stuff he wanted to be able to get later and now it's stuff he doesn't need and doesn't want me to drop off for him.

[BabyO]

I would love to ask my friend to get my stuff. But, like I said it was a LDR and I feel bad making my friend drive all the way to his house to get my stuff... She said she would come with me. She also said when I get there to make him give me a real answer as to why he ended this. That I deserve closure......

 

I can't do this! I cried all day at work today. The physical pain is overbearing, I wish that I just never work up this morning......

[tresqua]

I would love to ask my friend to get my stuff. But, like I said it was a LDR and I feel bad making my friend drive all the way to his house to get my stuff... She said she would come with me. She also said when I get there to make him give me a real answer as to why he ended this. That I deserve closure......

 

I can't do this! I cried all day at work today. The physical pain is overbearing, I wish that I just never work up this morning......

 

There usually aren't real answers, most dumpees don't GET closure because more often than not the dumper doesn't even know themselves. His feelings gradually changed, and the distance ultimately became the dealbreaker if not the root cause. That might be it, it might not be, but it's close enough and pretty much what he told you.

[lovesforlife]

I would take your friend up on the offer to go with you in case you need emotional support but I would not seek or expect closure. I agree that the reasons may not be known to him, they may be known but change over time, and even if you are given reasons, you will still want to analyze them and pick them apart. No reason he can give you will change that he decided to stop trying. I don't think any reason he could give will make you feel ok about him making that choice. You just have to try your best to change your reaction to the situation, which is extremely difficult when it is all so recent. My ex and I have only communicated perhaps once a month or so the entire year so far. And each time, I got worse. I guess because each time he emailed back or picked up the phone, it gave me false hope, or I allowed it to. Now, I am trying to commit to acceptance. I have strong withdrawal like you, so I am going to see a psychiatrist since my therapist is not helping. But I don't know if I will commit to medication just yet. I want to try yoga, positive affirmations and trying to take natural supplements that are supposed to improve mood, such as fish oil and st johns w.

 

The positive affirmation I have repeated to myself today is that although not everything is as I want it to be, that is ok. Everything is as it should be. He still cares for me because I am a good person he has loved and who has loved him. It is ok for me to still love him even if I am not with him. I am beautiful and strong and I am loved.

 

Then I think of things I am grateful fo and I say why.

[pietro5266]

I can't do this! I cried all day at work today. The physical pain is overbearing, I wish that I just never work up this morning......

 

Believe it or not, this is normal. During the first week after my breakup, I felt exactly the same way -- crying at work every 10 minutes, didn't want to get out of bed, etc. I hardly ever take sick days, but seriously considered it that week.

 

But you can do it. It's not easy or pleasant, and there may even be points where you feel that death would be better. You need to find things to help you pull through, to help you see that there's hope for the future. Friends and family, blogging and journaling, therapy, medication, keeping yourself as busy and distracted as possible -- all of these can help. In the first days, you'll be able to accomplish very little, but if you keep trying, each day your attitude and accomplishments will improve. This has been my experience over the last few weeks. I'm still struggling, still not 100% productive, but things are improving.

[pietro5266]

The positive affirmation I have repeated to myself today is that although not everything is as I want it to be, that is ok. Everything is as it should be. He still cares for me because I am a good person he has loved and who has loved him. It is ok for me to still love him even if I am not with him. I am beautiful and strong and I am loved.

 

Then I think of things I am grateful fo and I say why.

 

Wow, you're in a lot better shape than me if this works for you. I think I'm just too damn cynical.

[BabyO]

I just wish that he told me how his feelings were changing, or how he was not sure about us anymore. It would have been better for me to know over a time period that this was fading away or his feelings were really changing, and not just tell all at once one day. Plus, we say each other like almost every weeeknd, not like it once a month...... All this time he always said that he will never stop loving me and I was the one he was waiting for all his life. How can you go from feeling that to goodbye. No matter what happends? I mean people date people who are over fighthing in Afganistan, and they survive the distance and relationship etc... I am soooooo hurt he just gave up on me........ How could all the things I knew and felt for him remain real. If he really loved me like he said how can he just leave like this????? I have never been so hurt by anyone in my life, and this person was supposed to have loved me.....wow!!! This was the first man I truly trusted and gave him all of me. How could I have been such a bad judge of character???

 

Thank you for that saying you wrote LoveForLife-----

The positive affirmation I have repeated to myself today is that although not everything is as I want it to be, that is ok. Everything is as it should be. He still cares for me because I am a good person he has loved and who has loved him. It is ok for me to still love him even if I am not with him. I am beautiful and strong and I am loved.