I want to go back again...Help!

[grinand bearit]

First of all, I want to thank all of you for responding to my original posting. To recap quickly, I ended a relationship of nearly 6 years in June. ("Left After nearly 6 years") We had been apart the previous year for a number of months and I contacted him and we were together again for a few months this year. I logically know that this man is no good for me, his children, or anyone. He has throttled me, called me names, told me I have severe mental problems, and left me by the side of the road in the middle of the night miles from home. Of course, he had also treated me like a queen, told me how much he loved me, we had planned a future together, etc.

For anyone never in an abusive situation, uderstanding the incredible pull these people have over you is very hard, if not impossible. Having tolerated his behavior for so long, making excuses for it because I loved him, makes it so easy for me now to rationalize it and tell myself that I can take the bad to have to good.

I really don't know why I am falling apart now. I have done well and had no contact with him at all in nearly three months. It just seems that it is getting so much harder to stay away.

[Hopingpraying]

Grin,

 

I cannot say I know exactly what you are going through, but I can say I understand it. Only because I have read so much about abuse and how it effects the human psyche.

Why we must go back to the one who inflicted so much pain on us? It has to be something with human nature.

 

All I can say is be strong, and yes you had good times with this man, but you deserve those good times, and none of the bad. At no point should he lay a hand on you. Its okay to disagree, but it is not okay to assault someone.

 

Be strong.

[Mun]

I understand how you feel. I was there myself.

 

I want to ask you something though. How well do YOU treat yourself? What sort of things do you do that make you feel good?

 

I never realized until I walked away from the abuse that I no longer had pretty shoes or pretty clothes(and not much of either one). I had not had my hair cut by a pro in years and I had never had my nails done. I was in my mid 20's and had stopped caring about myself --and it showed. All the "good stuff" went to him. Expensive shoes, new clothes, etc.

 

So how well DO YOU treat yourself? Maybe you should start there.

 

You should treat yourself like a Queen. Indulge in a few things, you don't have to go overboard, but pamper yourself. Once you start doing this you may realize that you can no longer be with a man who does not treat you as good as you treat yourself.

[grinand bearit]

Thanks yet again to all who answered me...

(Muneca,

I have been treating myself better since I've been away from him, got new hairstyles, bought some outfits, etc. It does help a little.)

 

What bothers me the most is feeling like I was better off with him than I am now in some ways. What I mean is that since I have never been very good at meeting new people to date, I have even less confidence now. I would almost rather be in a relationship with him than be disappointed because no one seems to be attracted to me, or I to them. I don't think I am expressing this well...it's just that I was without a relationship for much of my life, raising my kids, etc., and then when I found him, I thought that would be it, I found him very attractive and was happy to have him. Of course, all of that is what made it possible for me to turn a blind eye to who he really was for so long!

I don't know, I am feeling a little lost and uncertain of the future is all.

Thank you all. You're the best!

[diamondangel777]

Hi...I know exactly how you are feeling and i also know it is very hard to just get up and walk away...and when you actually leave there is nothing left of yourself that you dont know where to start on being happy and living for you.

 

I was in the same kind of relationship....granted i just left last sunday but its almost a week..and i've only seen him once...(no my choice by the way...he came to me) i gave everything i had to my ex boyfriend Mike...and now that i dont have him...i feel like i don't have anything...but as my friends have pointed out...i didnt have anything with him...i wasn't happy and he wasn't happy...not with himself so he obviously couldn't be happy with me.

 

I Found this one quote that i think might help you...

"You Don't Want A Man To Do Things Right When He Realizes You Have Left, You Want A Man That Does Things Right To Make You Happy When You Are Still Around"

 

Im starting to live by that quote...and i think that once you and me both start living our lives for ourselves and learn to make ourselves happy...that eventually we will find someone that see that we are confident and will treat us good.

 

I did the same thing you did...just basically....LET MYSELF GO and everything i did bought was for him...it didnt help the fact that every time i did dress up or look nice he thought i was doing it for someone else...or would make a commet that i had a little love handle or that the jeans i was wearing didn't fit right...i started to figure that i just looked like crap it wouldnt matter because if even tried to look nice he would find something wrong with that...

 

Its amazing how people with that mentality can have such control over your life that the things that once matter the most to you...you begin to question...its a sad thing but there are many people like that out there...

 

my only adive for you is to stay strong..and STAY AWAY....its not worth the pain in the end...he will only bring you down...

 

im always here if you need anything...believe me i know how you feel...

Liv

[grinand bearit]

Liv,

 

Thanks so much for your words...it has been awhile now (5 months) since I "ve seen him and there are times when I think I am fine and others when I just wish I could go back in time and "fix" things. But, I know, as you do, that the man isn't worth it. We weren't the one being critical, nasty, mean, etc., to them...we went out of our way to be understanding and accepting. I guess it just still hurts to realize that that got me nowhere--or maybe it did! Maybe this is a much better place, without abuse or feeling like I had to be so careful all the time, not wanting to upset him.

I know you know...

Be well, stay strong, get yourself back. I am working on those things everyday myself.

 

Beth