Why do i feel this way???

[Jaydedgirl]

I have been thinking about my life so far and I am just feeling so disconnected with the world and people. I feel I would rather just hang out with my dog since he seems to understand and loves me for me. I am so tired of people and their judgmental ways. My past has been hell for me,it has changed me in so many ways. I had an ex bf who I loved very much, he used to drink and smoke,he also used to love to party. He was a christian while i am an hindu. His family first liked me but then i saw their true colours when they used to make fun of me and make me wash their toilets and bathroom. I used to be in tears while doing this. They didnt care,all they said was if i want to marry their son then i must do all that. At the time I thought they were right,maybe this is what i was supposed to do if i want to marry my then bf. By the way my parents hated him,they could see right through him..he used to wear these thick gold chains and used to blast music when he used to come pick me up from my home with songs that had swearing words like f and bs... Very embarrassing and i used to tell him to put it off but he never did,he used to get some kind of thrill doing it and that made my parents even more angry. I was soo so stupid to have been with him,we went out for 4 years. I used to even go to church with his family while he slept at home because he would go partying the nite before and end up drunk and too tired to go to church with me.

 

I was much plumpy at the time and his sister and mother used to talk behind my back and say stuff like i was so fat and didnt know how to dress. I used to do anything for my then bf,i used to even dye my hair the colour blonde since he wanted me to. I looked like a * * * * with that hair,since i naturally have black hair and he always wanted me to change..like dress a certain way , eat unhealthily, go to clubs with him,stay over at his home while he parties somewhere, never have friends, disrespect my family and not listen to them and just do whatever he tells me to. MY family hated me, they didnt want to even speak to me..all my parents did was shout at me and tell me to pack my bags and go live with him. I even did that once and returned 4 days after since my mum said i should come back home. I hated living with his family, i constantly had to wake up early like at 6am to help his mum clean the house and i had to sweep ,mop, wash the bathrooms and toilets, scrub the stove, neaten the rooms and help with cooking. I didnt complain then but inisde my heart was breaking. My then bf didnt care, he always thought his mum was right, he never stood up for me and when i used to try and stop him from going to a club he would not listen to me and he could see how it hurt me that he left me alone with his family. I always had the feeling he was cheating on me coz he used to have a code pin lock on his phone and i never could access it. He used to get calls from a private number and he used to pretend he was talking to his cousin meanwhile he was dating another girl and even his family knew about her.

 

I was heartbroken but still loved him and took him back since he begged me to take him back. I cared about him but he hardly had money to take us out,so i ended up paying for movies, dinners and when he needed money. He never gave me the money back ever. I used to get angry at him but he didnt care. I used to forgive him for lying,cheating,he even stole my watch once and i suspected he did it but he never told me the truth. His friends used to lie for him and i could see they knew he was cheating again. He used to look at porn and many times he would use one naked pic of a porn star as his wallpaper for his cellphone. I used to get mad and tell him to change it and he would but i would always see another porn star pic on his phone. There were many signals that were obvious that this guy was bad news but i ignore all of them since i thought i loved him. I soon got fed up of all of this trouble with my family, hiding to see him, lieing to everybody and sticking up for his bull * * * * . Then one night i looked at myself in the mirror and didnt recognize the person staring back at me...the reflection scared me..it didnt look like me at all..i was fat, had bleached blonde hair,i looked scary...i looked like a devil. I cried and realised i have to end this now...i took a bunch of pills and wanted to die. I hated life,didnt want to be here any longer. Unfortunately i woke up the next day bloated and numb. My eyes were swollen and i didnt speak to anybody..i really wanted to die.

 

A week later i didnt hear from my then bf...he didnt call or sms and to be honest i didnt give a f! The he called me a few days late,i didnt answer,he called at home and my mum said im not at home. I didnt care to sms him or phone him, i was fed up. Then he pitched up at my house and i spoke to him..i told him im done and i wanted him to leave. I was in tears though but somehow i managed to make it through all this. I slowly started to piece my life back together again.. my family even began talking to me and they were happy he was out of my life. This time for good. I didnt hear from him and he didnt bother to beg for me back. It was as if a huge rock fell off my shoulders. I started believing in God again.

 

Then a month later i had a brain injury, it changed my life...i became more numb and felt more disconnected with people and the world. It took me years to be happy and find a good guy who will love me for me. My new guy treats me well and loves me unconditionally,he is the complete opposite of my ex and my family love him and accept him. Its funny how God works sometimes. I am happy but sometimes feel so alone and numb. I guess the brain injury has contributed to that. However i have family members that knew my ex and they knew i was different then but they still want to judge me and ask questions about my now bf. It really annoys me everytime and i try not to let them get to me but they still do it. They hate the fact that i am changed and a better person. I am more reserved now, very spiritual, honest, humble, sensitive, caring, smart and I look like myself. I have no need to change myself for any one. This is me and that girl in the past no longer exists. I have lost all that chubby weight and changed my dressing, i have my natural black hair and I am happy to love and be myself around my new guy. But that empty lonely feeling always creeps up and it seems family wont stop judging me....what can i do to show everyone im happy and moved on with my life??