dealing with domestic violence as childhood.

[someguy87]

when I was 6, I can't really remember but anyways, I saw my dad suffocating my mother in the same room. She did pass out for a couple of minutes and then came to after my dad frantically tried to resuscitate her. Anyways he just complete abused her every way possible I imagine. My mom told me this happened even when she was seeing him and after marriage, after my birth and my sister. She tried running away several times but my dad stopped her. He was extremely controlling, still is today.

 

I don't really remember anything after that day.

 

I keep finding myself remembering this event over and over. It's really hard to remember what I feel but when I concentrate hard enough there's just extreme emotion that sweeps over me. My breathing does get a little more rushed and I can sometimes re-experience it....

 

I ask myself why I feel like I am forcing myself to remember this? I mean I can't remember what happened after that day, was just so relieved she woke up.

 

Basically, I don't know why I feel like I have to force these memories on to myself. But in general, I just feel nothing.

 

Anyways, when I try to talk this with my mother, she vehemently denies it happened. My sister who witnessed it as well (she was around 2 or 3) never talks about it or it doesn't seem to bother her. Neither does my mother who doesn't like me talking bad things about my father.

 

I have no respect for my father. Asian families....I really hate this. We live in a totally different system yet they can't adjust.

 

He tells me I am a bad son. True, but I feel like I am forced to feel respect or brought to shame when I can't feel anything towards him.

 

Am I wrong to hate my father so much? He says he loves us but he clearly has problems that he takes out on his family. I blame him a lot....for everything. I feel like something died inside me the day he tried killing my mother. I buried it for so long and as I am typing this I am feeling extreme anger. I really want to take him to court and see him in jail despite his financial support. Actually, I am just using his money, I don't love him at all and I want to see him suffer for what he did.

 

But my mother doesn't see it like this. she says he is still m yfather and I should respect him...I say to her that she should have more self respect....this always leads to heated arguments.... It frustrates me because her suffering has been the object of my life long sadness and depression.

 

I don't know...I feel like an but clearly we are not a normal family. Even today, I feel like we just live together as a family just to look "good" and fit our middle class image.

 

In general, I feel unable to experience or feel what normal people would generally feel or unable to express anything beyond sad, happy, angry. like I wouldn't feel a thing if all of my friends died, I can't for the love of god feel or know what the other person is feeling unless they clearly tell me what they feel in words or writing....even then I just feel nothing even when I should....like one good friend who really saw me for who I am stopped being friends....he used to say he felt this cold barrier around me...he was probably the only friend I respected....but wouldn't feel anything if he died. I just feel empty lot of the times except while doing work. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling, I can't describe it, I can't validate it, I don't know if it's real or fake.

[ferna3069]

well your dad cant ruin your life unless you let him. if your mom doesnt want to talk about it dont force her. its a bad memory that she does not want to come out. it sounds like all she wants is peace. and about your dad yes it was waaaay wrong but its not your fault. dont let this affect your future. i know how it is to have a controlling father. ,y dad would hit us when we where kidsn. lukly never hit my mom.but im not going to let that stop me from becoming the person i want to be. it might be best to get some sort of therapist because bad past's like this are hard to over come

[someguy87]

well your dad cant ruin your life unless you let him. if your mom doesnt want to talk about it dont force her. its a bad memory that she does not want to come out. it sounds like all she wants is peace. and about your dad yes it was waaaay wrong but its not your fault. dont let this affect your future. i know how it is to have a controlling father. ,y dad would hit us when we where kidsn. lukly never hit my mom.but im not going to let that stop me from becoming the person i want to be. it might be best to get some sort of therapist because bad past's like this are hard to over come

 

honestly, as much I try to improve my life. this is just one area I can't seem to make any progress...it's always back to square one. I tried to forgive him, but he hasn't changed. He's just gotten older. I feel like the past 20 years of my life being exposed to him, the damage is irreversible.sometimes I don't think I will ever have a normal shot at life so I feel like doing self destructive things, and sometimes to remind myself I am still alive.

 

his action also paints him as uncaring and cold. We went to this large family dinner event (back when we were forced to go to Church probably of his guilt or something idiot) and he left us outside and he went in first to have dinner. Lot of other people were upset by his action and he replied "he forgot" and proceeded to eating and making jokes nobody was in the mood for.

 

He would sometimes leave my mom while she went to pay for gas and make her walk for miles. It wasn't her fault she had to wait in line like other normal people. He would beat her or fight in the car while my sister and I had to watch. they would fight on my brithdays. Everyday of my elementary school, I feared he might kill her or do something to hurt her.

 

He behaved abusive to us everytime we went out together as a family. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO SUE HIM AND PUT HIM IN JAIL AND MAKE HIM SUFFER.

 

Everytime I see my family, it triggers these painful memories.

[ferna3069]

dont do self destructive things be the bigger person. move on. i know its hard to forget but dont end up like your dad. dont let the anger control you. alot of people that get hit end up been like there parents because thats how they learn

[someguy87]

Much of what you say makes sense. His dad was very physically abusive and strict to him since childhood. Yet he has this great deal of respect for his father.

 

My dad doesn't abuse any substances, neither does he show any signs of depression. His actions clearly indicate that he only cares for himself and not his family.

 

I really doubt he loves my mother at all and vice versa. They are separated and wouldn't be surprised if they are seeing other people.

 

He does show affection towards my sister and to me nothiing., I can never connect with him beyond intellectual discussions.

 

The fear of abandonment and engulfment....actually those two are pretty familiar.

 

I really cannot feel anything for my dad anymore. I tried and tried but all I have is criticism of him.

 

I regret making this thread because everytime I see it, it just triggers anger and sadness.

 

I feel suffocated.

[meoww]

I just wanted to say I can relate. My parents lie to protect their image (which is barely maintained anyway, and the facade has really collapsed over the years) and I really have gotten to the point where I have no compassion for them.

 

I think this is very healthy, it gives you the chance to move on forever. I don't care what happens to them anymore. That may sound heartless but you wouldn't believe some of the hardships I have endured and how normal I am considering.

 

So if you feel uncomfortable with the anger you feel toward your family, please don't be. You are normal for being in anguish over the family you never had. But, they are probably monsters who don't deserve anything from you anymore. I've found most of my friends don't understand this because they have never been abused, but in forums like these you can find like minded people who will support you and validate your feelings.

 

It's sad for me because it's a very big secret to have to keep, and I've kept it for so long now. A few of my good friends have heard bits and pieces of the story but it honestly scares them so I try not to talk about it.

 

Forget them (your horrible family), they are not worth it. You deserve to be happy.

 

I also understand completely about the triggers, I was so neglected and hurt during my own childhood that every time I saw my mother I wouldn't be able to breathe. I even used to destroy things of hers because I hated her so much. I really can't stress enough how much I hate her. Even through all that, I tried to be a good daughter, educate her and find ways to help her enjoy life but all that did was cause her to become even more dependent and obsessive.

 

So perhaps your situation is not as bad as mine but it's truly my belief that no one should ever have to suffer like this. I can't tell you how many times I was chased around the house by my mother or father (it used to be almost like a game to me since I didn't know it wasn't normal), and screaming at literally at the top of her lungs, the whole neighborhood could probably hear it, I've been beat up by my father, abandoned, slept in a tub in the bathroom just to have piece of mind and get away from them. That was my childhood and I never told anyone until I reached university. I started to seem troubled in high school but no one knew why.

 

It's my opinion though that your father in particular is coming from the same violent place. Those people are dark and some people are really just bad people.

 

Now that I no longer blame myself for their troubles, I can't tell you how much my life has improved. I don't feel like a damaged person anymore and I'm finally tending to my own needs instead taking care of them. It's really amazing and I never thought I would get to this point. I'm finally ready to share my life someone without being screwed up and I'm happy with where I am at, honing my interests and planning for a much better future.