I am trying to do the right thing, just need some insight.

[acongojada]

Hi, Im new to this board, and have read some great posts. I will try to keep my post to the point, just need some insight.

 

I have been dating a man for a year. about nine months into the relationship, things got pretty bad. I have a chronic illness, and i have a pretty darn good life, i.e. still work full time, independent, but my main limitations arise when I cannot keep going like some people can. I have narcolepsy, and some times, I just HAVE to sleep. I dont have a choice. it has effected me in other ways to, mostly, I have at times told myself that I could do so much more than I really could, which resulted at times in disappointing others, cancelling plans etc. My boyfriend was mostly very understanding. I started a study for a trial for a new drug for narcolepsy, and it's effects were not good. abnormal thinking, amd depression were the worst. During this time, I could not give my boyfriend the time that our relationship deserved. I wasnt always honest with him about what was really going on. I would say, I was ok, when I wouldnt be, mainly because I was so tired of people not ubnderstanding for many years about my illness.

 

well, we broke up, still saw each other like nothing was wrong. I felt and still feel alot of guilt. He was very supportive of me, but would go back and forth so much from supportive to just down right super critical, and his words were harsh at times, and I just felt like there wanst any way to make him understand. I would just do my best.

 

The last few months, not taking the trial medication, I have struggled but have gotten so much better. He told me about two months ago that he thought he would go out with others. but we were still intimate, and he was not intimate with anyone else. He is very honest, I trust what he says.

 

Sorry, long story, Ill shorten it from here on. he has been dating others, it has broken my heart, but I knew that if he decided to become intimate with anyone else, I would not be able to see him anymore, I would not do that to myself. He said I have too many hang ups, and he is not looking to get in a relationship with anyone right now, so he'll jsut go out with others, nothing serious. during our relationship, we both told each other that we knew we were "it" for each other. he has so many great qualities, and does come around if he ever said anything or hurt me in any way. Now it is like he has no emotions. He said when he thinks about being intimate, he only thinks of me.

 

I spent the night with him on friday. I talked with him on saturday to see if he wanted to do something. He said he couldnt, he had a date. I freaked out and cried like a fool. He said that when we were together it was just sex. nothing more. He has never said anything like this to me. It killed me inside. through these last few weeks, he still seems very interested in if im dating, where I am, etc. He even admitted to driving through my parking lot to see if I was home. I dont know what in th heck is going on.

 

I wrote him a letter, apologised for my crying and begging, and told him that I loved him, and wanted him to be happy. Whether it be with me, or without. I told him I would wait for him. I have not contacted him since. I'm doing ok, but cry my head off at times. I guess i am starting that no contact faze. Before when we were in a small argument, I didnt contact him, and he said later that he took that as if I didnt care.

 

Help help!! What the heck should I do?? I know why I love him. I do need to change many things in my life, and I am already in that process, not for him, but for me. Any suggestions?

 

sorry for being so long,

thanks.

[lisaria]

Hi acongojada,

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you've had a tough time of it. This is the right place to be. So many here are also having it hard and it's easy to talk to them and to know that you are not alone in this.

 

It sounds to me like your ex is simply using you. I know that is a little harsh, but that is how I see it. He likes having you around for the "good times" because then he doesn't have to put quite so much effort into the dating when he knows he has you to go to for his other needs. He can take his time with the new women. God! That sounds terrible. I know how it is though, I've been there. He was keeping you hanging on by telling you all the crap that he thought you wanted to hear. And since you loved him, you believed him.

 

Why is it that when a relationship starts all the hang-ups are ok? But after a few months they aren't? He knew you had narcolepsy and yet it was ok. But when it started interfering with what he wanted, it's not ok. If he could not handle it then he should not have started anything. And then to keep you hanging on for his selfish reasons is beyond bad, it downright sucks. Who did he think he was??? Take it as a compliment. You must be good. That's what I tell myself about my ex.

 

Well, at least he finally got honest and told you how it really was. I am so sorry. I sometimes wonder what God is thinking to make men and women so different. Especially when it comes to something so important as love and sex.

 

I think the No Contact is probably the best thing for you right now. He knows how you feel and you've put the ball in his court. The important thing is for you to only worry about YOU. He does not even come into the picture now. This is for your own peace of mind. Not some sort of manipulations as some people claim the NC is. It's not that. It's about healing YOU. And not seeing, talking, emailing, phoning, riding by, or contacting him in any way is necessary. You have to heal. You can't do that if you're in contact with him. Everytime you do hear from him your hopes will be renewed and that is so unfair.

 

If you feel like contacting him call a friend instead. Go for a walk, get up here and vent, anything that will get you out of the idea of contacting him. If you have caller id, use it. If you had IM, take his name off, better yet, block him. If you have pics, put them away, same with emails and letters if you saved them. I know you probably don't feel like it now, but you should get out and be around people, especially people who love and care about you. Be nice to yourself and remember that you did the best that you could with what you had at the time. I think someone up here said that once and it really stuck with me. But it is so true. You are doing the best that you can right now, so be easy on yourself. You didn't deserve this, but you will get through it.

Take care and best of luck to you.

lisaria

[rnorth]

lisaria wrote:

Well, at least he finally got honest and told you how it really was. I am so sorry. I sometimes wonder what God is thinking to make men and women so different. Especially when it comes to something so important as love and sex.

 

I can't speak for most men, but there is a MAJOR difference for me between having sex with someone for whom I have feelings and having sex when "its just sex". Most of my male friends, single and married, agree.

 

I would bet that he's conflicted and some of it has to do with his own selfishness. He cares about you, but he is overwhelmed with the issues of the past months. I agree that NC will probably make a difference and will give you the space to do your own personal healing.