Devastated again...

[rich46]

Hi,

 

I feel like I am devastated all over again. I have been a lot better the last 2 weeks as I fooled myself into thinking I could get back with my ex if I stayed, or she would have dramatically change her mind in the last 3 weeks. She hasn't, and when I rang her yesterday to tell her that although I really really wanted us to stay friends, I just couldn't do it. It was the hardest thing to do, saying goodbye like that possibly for the last time. We live 100 miles apart so the thought of never seeing or speaking to her is killing me and I just can't stop crying. I don't know how to stop. She sounded like she was enjoying her new found freedom, and I feel like I'm the one doing all the grieving.

 

What hurts is that I treated her so well during our 3.5 years. Everything was going so well until she got her job in February. Since then she has made new friends, one girl in particular who is 29 years old (marriage on the rocks, 2 kids, resents being with her husband since the age of 18 etc.) So I can't help feeling bitter that my ex has been brainwashed by someone I've never even met. My ex is 22 so is scared to end up like her I imagine.

 

She said she needed "time and space" and to "be single for a while." This is the first time that syhe has had any girlie friends as we have always been a bit like loners together. But as soon as she meets someone to go out clubbing with, she has changed so much and from saying things like "I could never live without you"to dumping me in just a few short months. I just find it impossible to comprehend that we are never going to speak again.

 

She is 22 and I understand that she needs this clubbing phase, single phase, or whatever you want to call it. But I can't believe she is walking away from me like this. Will she one day regret it? It doesn't seem to have hit her yet. But as soon as this 29 year old woman finds another man, she won't even see her.

 

I hate this so much. I feel like I've been replaced by someone else and it is so heartbreaking and frustrating. We both were eachother's firsts and always said how we were lucky to have found eachother. Now it is over.

 

Please offer me some advice or encouragement as I have never felt this low before,

 

Thanks everyone,

 

Rich

[Ravens_eternity]

man i am 19 and i know every word your say if i had to tell some one about my story, it be the some but my girl, she hangs with a guy her age and he works with her. but like you say man it's like she is been brain wash. she is more up set about the guy quiting them leaving me.

but the funny thing she did not only leave me, she changed everthing she don't pick up any phone call even from her best friend(not me)

but ya we where kinda loners to in a way always next to each other always there for eachother. then BAMMMMMM all of her friend and even me her 3.5 year almost marryed was thrown away for her new friends

it's nice to know but sad to know there is some one that is knowing the way i feel cuz he is going thought it too

 

and if you find out how to get her back plzzzzzzzz TELL ME

THANKS

[Pebek]

rich46 - Same here man. My gf of 4 1/2 years left me in March saying she needed 'time'. She started to change after she got a job, became financially independent and started uni. I bet the new friends she made at uni had a great impact on her life. We were also kinda loners, that's mainly because of the 16-year age gap between us, but it never bothered her. She saw her friends whenever she wanted, as I did mine. But we always missed each other etc. It was never a problem. Up to a certain point, as it bitterly turned out. She said she was confused and needed time to find herself and all that b******t. Mind you, she's 23! Girls that age ofter freak out. They often don't know what they want from life. It's really hard to find a 23-year-old girl who's mature enough to know what's important in life. Besides, there is the problem of so-called love. If your gf really loved you, she'd be with you. Period. Same with me. My x wouldn't have walked out on me to see what else is out there if what she felt for me (if she really felt anything but lust and comfort) was love.

My advice for you is ta start NC. NC hurts like hell but it helps you get a perspective on things. I've been doing NC for over 4 months. I feel a little better, but I must say there are times I just want to cry my eyes out.

 

Hang on tough, man.

 

Pete

[rich46]

pebek - thankyou for your words. It is so hard isn't it, the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And I am only on Day 1. We had done 3 weeks of NC prior to yesterday but I was fooling myself into believing she would come back. Yesterday I got what I needed to know and it sounds like she is having a great time without me. That is what is hard, knowing that she is enjoying herself (which she was oh so desperate to tell me) while I am absolutely heartbroken. That's it now though, I won't contact her again. Whether she contacts me again is another matter, maybe one day she will appreciate that she has let a good thing go, and these clubbing days aren't all they are cracked up to be.

 

That's also what I feel. I cannot understand why if 2 people love eachother, they want to split up. For me I loved her with all my heart, but she can't have felt the same if she is capable of this. Maybe once she did, but since she started her job her feelings quickly changed. It's great to know that as soon as she finds a girlie friend, she dumps me. I wouldn't be as upset if I had treated her like sh*t, but I did everything for her.

 

This is tough.

[Pebek]

It is tough. I also found that as long as you hope for your x to return you won't find peace. As much as you hate it you just have to give up hope of u2 reuniting. Only then will it be possible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long road but as other ppl's posts suggest we'll eventually get there. I might be a little further down the road than u cos it's been close to 5 months here but I feel deep down inside that it's gonna be years before I'm my man again. I wish life would prove otherwise. We all have to let time do its work. It's sometimes harder than u ever thought but I guess it's life.

I also think I was simply too good to my x. We never argued, never had any fights, no harsh words, and look where it's got me. She couldn't stand a day without seeing me and now it's over 4 months of 100% NC and she's happy with her new life, just like that. That's where anger comes into the picture. It helps a lot to get mad at your x. I still feel bad because subconsciously I believe that NC will bring her back. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help it. NC should be used to heal your wounds and not to try to get your x back.

 

Stay strong,

Pete

[stolenshadow]

Hello Rich46, I think you should try to stop thinking about how you won't talk to her ever again, that's only hurting you, I know how that feeling is and it's better to think that maybe one day we'll feel better and maybe we'll have the chance to talk to the other person and leave all the difficult feelings behind.

 

I don't know if you actually feel used, like your ex was with you until she found something "better", people are in constant change and who knows? one day she might realize happiness is not likely to be in going out clubing and having a drink, maybe one day she'll understand the precious gift of love and having somebody for her unconditionally, unfortunately you can't do anything else, there must be a million girls out there that would appreciate having a friend and a person like you near, don't feel replaced, you can't be replaced, your ex made a decision but that doesn't has to change you to be less than before, more the opposite, now you know you survived the first day, it'll get easier with each hour and you'll grow stronger.

 

Don't question yourself, she changed, let's say she prefers aluminum to gold (you), your value didn't change, just her preference.

 

You'll feel better, you'll get over this.

[rich46]

Thanks a lot stolenshadow, that means a lot to me.

 

I don't know if you actually feel used, like your ex was with you until she found something "better", people are in constant change and who knows? one day she might realize happiness is not likely to be in going out clubing and having a drink, maybe one day she'll understand the precious gift of love and having somebody for her unconditionally, unfortunately you can't do anything else, there must be a million girls out there that would appreciate having a friend and a person like you near, don't feel replaced, you can't be replaced, your ex made a decision but that doesn't has to change you to be less than before, more the opposite, now you know you survived the first day, it'll get easier with each hour and you'll grow stronger.

I do feel a little bit used I suppose, because I met her at university when she had no friends, and was on the verge of dropping out. She openly admits that she wouldn't have graduated had she not met me. I devoted so much time to her during our 3 years at uni that I lost most of my friends. It was a mistake, but I was so in love with her that I did it anyway. Now I feel that we have swapped places. Now I'm the one with no friends whereas she has got quite a few. But instead of standing by me, she has chosen to abandon me and go out with a load of people who she has only known 6 months. That is hard to deal with.

 

I hope I meet one of these millions of girls one day who will want to spend the rest of her life with me...and go through with it, not change her mind when she wants to go out clubbing.

 

Thanks for responding. Please feel free to add any more comments anyone, as it really does lift me up reading your comments.

 

Thanks,

 

Rich

[stolenshadow]

No problem

 

I hope I meet one of these millions of girls one day who will want to spend the rest of her life with me...and go through with it, not change her mind when she wants to go out clubbing.

 

Don't worry, you will find a nice girl that will not only want your support when she needs it but also, when the time is for her to feel strong, she'll want to take you with her.

Best Wishes.

[angelsgal]

I cannot understand why if 2 people love eachother, they want to split up. For me I loved her with all my heart, but she can't have felt the same if she is capable of this. Maybe once she did, but since she started her job her feelings quickly changed. It's great to know that as soon as she finds a girlie friend, she dumps me. I wouldn't be as upset if I had treated her like sh*t, but I did everything for her.

 

Rich,

Know that you are not alone in how you are feeling! That's one of the great things about these message boards - sharing your experiences and helping other people feel better/stronger about themselves. My ex-BF told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that didn't stop him from breaking up with me. So I'm right here with you - hang in there!

 

Angel

[rich46]

Rich,

Know that you are not alone in how you are feeling! That's one of the great things about these message boards - sharing your experiences and helping other people feel better/stronger about themselves. My ex-BF told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that didn't stop him from breaking up with me. So I'm right here with you - hang in there!

 

Angel

Thanks Angel!

 

I feel a lot better than I did on Monday. I still feel a little bitter at the way she treated me towards the end, but I am dealing with that. And you are right, these message boards have been great! Every time I am bored or feeling a bit down, I just come on here and remind myself that so many good people are in similar situations.

 

Rich

[me4ta]

Wow, this is so interesting to see that you guys are also going through the same sh*t as we girls do. For some reason I thought, and I discussed it with my girlfriend just today - I thought that when we brake up, girls usually start idolizing the guy and that's why it hurts, we start remembering how great the guy was to us; and guys usually start remembering all the bad things the girl did, so that they could forget her faster...

 

Well, that was just a though, but I couldn't help but thinking after reading about how you lost most of your friends and she got on her feet, left you and now has a lot of friends.

 

You did swap places, and I think that she remembers you when she just met you, as this outgoing guy with lots of friends and she was a alone, no friends, bad grades (maybe, I dunno)...so you fell in love, you started helping her out, so in the process you transformed her into yourself, this outgoing type of person...and now, since she changed, she finally got accepted by people, got new friends, she's looking at you, you lost your friends and you don't have the same charisma for her as you did before, I guess...you know what I'm saying???

 

I would suggest to get your act together and start going out, get in touch with you old buddies, and start going out....just to forget and put your social life back on track. As soon as she hears that you are having fun, you're not just sitting at home and thinking about her, she'll be intrigued, she'll start thinking about it.....for some reason I think that would shake her a bit...because right now she knows that you love her so much and you're hurting and to her it's kind of a self esteem boost.

 

You have to show her where she came from, that you were there first, with friends and fun and acceptance.

 

I just think it's unfair that she used you like that and even though revenge is not the best practice, I'm not suggesting to go and do something bad to her, I'm thinking of this kind of ginger revenge, I'm suggesting just showing her that you are having fun, you have other things in your life that are important - similarly as she's eager to tell you how good she's having it, do the same, but don't contact her first...once she does, tell her, but don't over play it though or she'll see through you.

 

Good luck.

me4ta