Feeling absolutely devastated after sudden break up. Please help.

[NVT]

I would like to apologize in advance for the length of this post. However, I feel as though a lot of information is required for anyone to fully grasp the situation at hand. Thank you in advance to anyone that is willing to help me through this extremely painful time in my life.

 

My boyfriend of exactly a year broke up with me last weekend. For the better part of two years (friends/classmates the first, boyfriend and girlfriend the second) he seemed completely devoted to me. He would do anything for me and cared deeply about my well-being. We had a lot of fun together and were able to be both silly and serious with each other. However, we did have disagreements like any other couple. My boyfriend didn't like conflict and confrontation and often felt as though he was causing me pain through these arguments. Now, I admit that I picked fights over trivial things at times, but they were nothing to bring on the emotional roller coaster he has put me on.

 

My biggest problem in the relationship was that he often seemed to prefer the company of his friends over me. While he always included me in their activities and his friends are wonderful people, I often felt like we saw them too much and never had time alone. And when we were alone, though we were happy, there were times when he seemed to be itching to see his friends again. He lives in an apartment with two of his closest friends. His friend circle is probably about 12 or 13 guys that all like to come over unannounced to play video games for hours on end. Sometimes, the friends would stay over for 12 hours at a time and I was just expected to sit there. I feel like I tried so hard to get to know his friends and to participate in their various outings. My boyfriend and his friends would spend all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evening together. Every Sunday, they had a tradition of having dinner at the same restaurant so as to not lose contact. Seems unlikely with all the time they spend together during the week.

 

Anyway, between the friends coming over most weekdays and every weekend, I feel like I only really got to spend time with my boyfriend at night. At that point, we would just end up going to sleep because it was so late. Now, it wasn't like this all the time. I would say the friends probably took up 80% of his time. A lot of the times when it was just the two of us, we had a blast and he really seemed to enjoy my company. He showed me much affection and we were very passionate about each other. I can't lie and say that the time we DID spend together was horrible, because it was absolutely wonderful. There was just always a part of me that wondered if he would be able to handle a friends situation like this had it been me who had the large group of friends. I feel as though he never made much effort to get to know my friends but I was expected to worship his. He often even made snide comments about my best friend because of her bisexuality.

 

My boyfriend would always point out that he talked to me more than anyone else. Which was true, we would text all day every day. That may seem unhealthy, but it worked for us. We loved knowing what the other was up to and how their day was going when we were apart. He seemed interested in the smallest details of my daily routines and never seemed to tire of me. I suppose that might have contributed to the feeling of second best to his friends. Despite all of that, I feel like we really could have made it work. I am turning 20 in a few months and he is 24. Some of his friends are moving away to new cities in the fall, and one couple seems ready to focus on starting a family any day now. I feel like he's just a scared boy that doesn't know how to let go of his friends and play time, and I feel truly sad when I picture him being the only one left after all of his friends grow up and start their lives. We had our disagreements, but it was me that made him see the joy of having children in the first place.

 

He left me a couple months ago because of a small disagreement where I felt he was ignoring me once again, but we continued to talk all that night as though nothing had happened. The next day, he asked to see me and left work early. He apologized for breaking up with me and asked if we could get back together. I agreed because I love that boy more than anyone in the world and everything once again seemed fine up until 2 weeks ago. I felt like my boyfriend was ignoring me when we had plans to meet up after he was done work. I informed him of how hurt I was that he ignored me for an hour and instead played games with his friends when he knew we were supposed to do something. He came over to pick me up later that evening and told me he needed time apart. After a few days, he came over and I said that perhaps he was right- this isn't working. He was reduced to tears and said he never wanted to be apart. He held me close all night and told me multiple times how much he loved me.

 

We agreed to compromise and sometimes take a day to do something together without the friends. We agreed that perhaps this wasn't working because we immediately jumped into practically living together. During that week, I gave him some time on his own to bond with his friends and I took the time to visit my family more frequently (something he often objected to). We spent one evening alone and it was perhaps one of the most fun nights of my life! We laughed, watched movies, talked, and ended the night more passionately than ever. I couldn't believe how well things were going and I thought we had finally learned how to compromise and make each other happy all the time.

 

That was when everything changed. It was our anniversary last weekend and I felt as though the day didn't much matter to him. Despite that feeling, we went out for a lovely walk in the evening and we both seemed to be genuinely happy. We returned back to his apartment to find some 20 friends drinking loudly and watching a sporting event. It was him that suggested we stay in his room for a while so as to avoid one guy he isn't very fond of. It was getting late, so I started getting ready for bed. He quickly demanded why I was going to bed and asked why I didn't want to watch a movie. I said it was because everyone out there was watching sports, and there was nowhere to sit and we couldn't just start watching a movie when they were watching something else. He seemed truly bored after that and stopped talking to me. I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no. So, I went to bed. Now usually on weekend mornings, we talk and cuddle and all that stuff. But this particular Sunday morning (the day of our anniversary) he seemed to be laying as far away from me as possible and not attempting to get up despite knowing I was awake.

 

I had enough. I felt as though he was still mad that he didn't get to spend time with his friends the previous night. I felt cheated. I wasn't being unreasonable. I had granted him time to see them all week and this weekend was our anniversary. I felt like if there was any day to have alone time, it should be that day. So I made a foolish mistake and promptly packed up some of my things. Just as I was about to leave, he asked what was wrong. I told him that he seemed too distant and he begged me not to go. He asked me if I could stay, or at least leave but not take my things with me. I told him I didn't want to truly leave him, I was just devastated. Then suddenly, he tells me that actually I SHOULD leave. So I grab as many bags as I can, and I leave him. A decision I immediately regret upon exiting the apartment building. I talked to him later that night and apologized, but he just said he didn't think it could work and that not being together is best for both of us. I honestly do not understand the sudden flips in his feelings. He's struggled with the relationship before, but ALWAYS assured me that he doubted the relationship and never ME. He was always sure that he loved me, but he feels we are too different in the sense that I prefer alone time and he would rather be surrounded by large groups.

 

During the past week, I saw him a few times. The first being when he came to drop off the rest of my things. The next when he dropped off some books I had forgotten on his shelf. The next when I begged him to be with me when I took a pregnancy test just to be sure. I've lost 10 pounds because of this breakup and ended up falling over in the shower a couple days ago. I hated to admit to him how much he had hurt me, but I begged him anyway to come and help me. He did not make any attempts to see me again until my best friend contacted him worried about my well-being. She hadn't heard from me for a while and thought something bad had happened because I was home alone. She made me appear slightly suicidal even though I would never EVER consider that option no matter how bad things were.

 

He came over despite knowing that I wasn't the time of person to have self harming thoughts. His attitude toward me was awkward and cold. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt as though everyone that loved me was conveniently away at the same time. I did possibly the most stupid thing I could have done in my position. I begged him to stay. I begged for hugs. I begged him to stay with me the night and have dinner despite him having other plans with friends. In a moment when I had already lost all self respect, I even suggested friends with benefits as a final way of staying close to him. He was stern and tried to run away from me three times.

 

In the past, whenever I told him that staying friends after a break up is impossible for me, he begged that we keep contact. But this time he said it was up to me if I wanted to talk to him again or not. It's like I never even existed to him. He was mean and wouldn't give me answers. "It's just how I feel." That would be fine except he seemed so happy the day before I wanted to leave. I suspect he couldn't deal with the thought of me leaving him and instead decided it would be best to break it off himself to keep his dignity. I simply made a mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. Just like he made a mistake a couple months ago when he left and I took him back. It just seems so final now. The way he spoke to me made him seem like someone I didn't even know. He was treating me as someone he didn't know.

 

I wanted to know why, as most people would. Why was he so reluctant to leave last week? Why did he not take his chance then when he had it if he really feels like this? What made him stop wanting me so suddenly? What made him go from complete love and adoration for me to indifference and almost hate? There isn't anyone else, he isn't like that. But at this point I wish there was. I asked him if he missed me. He said he didn't know. He said not having me around has been different but he wasn't sure if he was happier or if he missed me. I pleaded and begged again and made an absolute fool of myself. I asked how he could be doing this to me if he still loved me. Surely if we loved each other still, that could overcome our past and we could fix the trivial problems we had that would never matter in the long run.

 

It was then that he said he doesn't love me like that anymore. He said everything is in the past and I need to look to the future now. He wants me to move on. He doesn't miss me or love me at all. I apologized for the way I behaved last night when I begged him to stay. I was so embarrassed and we agreed to pretend it never happened. But the fact that he suddenly stopped loving me is absolutely killing me. I'm wondering if I give it time and do not contact him at all if he'll be back. He always hated not knowing what I was up to. I feel like he cannot possibly just go from loving me to pieces one day and never wanting to part to never caring if we see each other again. He said this was goodbye. That it was over.

 

My question is, could he be having some sort of crisis? Have any of you ever known someone to come back after stating that their love for you is no longer romantic? Is it possible that after devoting two years to me, he suddenly feels nothing for me? Is it honestly possible for him to not be missing me at all after wanting me close every day for so long?

 

What on EARTH should I do now? I am not prepared to give up on him. I truly believe he is in a hard place and doesn't know what he wants. Like he wants the freedom of being with his friends but also wants the love of a girlfriend. Do you think he may realize that what I am saying is true, and that soon the reality of life will make it impossible for his friends and him to play video games every night? I feel like he loved me so much and now it's like I never existed.

 

If I give him the space to actually miss me and not contact him every day, might he return?

[RecentlyAlone]

Definitely refrain from contacting him. It seems like he felt smothered at times which is why I think it's in your best interest to just completely let him go. I appreciate how you don't want to give up on him and how you want to be there for him....but it doesn't seem like that is what he wants. You have to treat this like a real break up, as hard as it is, you need to keep distance for YOURSELF not because you think it will make him want you more and he will come back to you. I know it sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to be selfish now and just try to heal yourself and not look out for him.

[allebee]

Hi NVT,

After reading your email, and being being quite a bit older than you - 41 - I personally think the best thing for your own health and mental state is to walk away. I know that's not what you want to hear, I know it's blunt, to the point, and you're already aching inside. I know you say you still love him too. I think that even if he did return, he's not the right person for you. Why do I say that? Because from the start of your email you said that he spent 80% of his time with his mates, and reading between the lines, it seems like he put them before anyone else. Now my motto is there's always 3 sides to every story - yours, his and the truth - and I'm only going by what you've said, but you've mentioned all the way through that him spending time with his mates was an issue to you, and quite rightly so.

 

It seems like he isn't a responsible enough man to learn to see his mates at some point, then see you another day or another place. I understand they're coming round, but could he not have arranged to see you somewhere else?

 

I can see why you begged him as that's what we do when we're desperate and want someone to stay. It's not the right thing to do, but we do it anyway. Don't whatever you do blame yourself for that. That's what us women do - it's natural and it takes a long time to learn not to do that - I'm still trying not to!! Regardless, I don't think it would have worked out anyway as you mentioned there were break ups before he dropped off your things.

 

To be honest I don't think he's the right man for you. I think you can find someone else in time who is more suited to you but in the meantime focus on getting your life back and your happiness back. I know that's extremely difficult but it can be done - the best thing is to keep yourself busy.

 

I hope that's helped and I've not upset you too much, but honesty is always the best policy. Take care.

[buddha55]

it's best that you split apart. you may love him, but he is not right for you. he has issues prioritizing, and he is not going to change his friend seeing ways for you. i know you are in a lot of pain right now, but it a few weeks you will be asking why you even put up with that crap. why put out time, effort, love, and energy to someone who isn't going to return it?

[endy]

Read the journey from abandonment to healing. You'll be alright. Just personal incompatibility hun. You will see that in time. You're going to find someone much better for yourself in time.