If You Can't Take the Heat Stay Out of the Kitchen...

[Pretty-N-Pink]

rosephase...I am the same way. I actually enjoy hearing about my partner's past whether it is sexual related or not.

[Pretty-N-Pink]

FairyGodmother...thanks a lot. That's exactly how I feel.

[Pretty-N-Pink]

I say to feel your partner out before sharing too much.

Some people like Rosephase are cool with it, me on the other hand.. I want an idea of history, but I don't need details.

Details can = disgust = degraded value.

Men I've dated who decided to tell me explicit sex stories, like I'm some buddy in a locker room, instantly turned me off. It made these men seem tactless, and when I'm hot for a guy, I only want to think about him with me.

 

Perhaps it's tied to the fragile ego? If your fiance told you she had a foursome with three well-hung athletes, perhaps it may make you feel uncomfortable. Next time she asks, instead of throwing this situation in her face, it may be better to remind her while you do have a sexual past, the specifics aren't important.

 

Shnoodle... if that was the case, I would not be upset at all. That was before my time, I would simply ask her did she enjoy herself. Secondly, I did not throw anything in her face...she asked me a question and I answered it!!!! how is that throwing something in someone's face. I see you are just as narrow-minded as she is. Thanks for your input but no thanks!!!

[Pretty-N-Pink]

If you ask, you have to be prepared for the answer.

 

hexaemeron...thankyou!!!!

[Pretty-N-Pink]

Nothing can prepare you for player numbers when you dating someone you didn't expect to be a player. But these numbers give indication of the type of person you are and she is upset with her own misjudgement perhaps.

 

Let me set something straight here...this has nothing to do with #s...it was an experiece that I had. I am far from a player, never have and never will be!!!!

[pl3asehelp]

The concept here is abstract and does not have to be about sex. Maybe it shouldn't be because that issue is sensitive to so many people. She could have asked you if you've ever experimented with meth. The point is she asked you something which reveals your character, she didn't like your answer (which she has no obligation to - she has just as much of a right to an opinion and her own set of values as you do), and your reaction was to consider not answering her questions truthfully in the future. I think that would be a mistake as I feel it's dishonest to conceal parts of yourself from others just because you know it will push them away from you.

 

Thinking you two would be better off had she just buried her head in the sand and not known whatever about you is foolish. She should not be penalized for asking and she has no obligation to like your answer just because she asked and you gave it.

[Pretty-N-Pink]

I never said that I would not answer her truthfully...I simply said that I do not want to open up to her especially if she is going to get upset about something I have experience in my past. I don't plan to lie to her, I will simply tell her that I don't think it is a good idea for use to talk about that. Furthermore, I understand that she is entitled to her opinion and I respect her opinion but at the same time, I should not be penalized for my response to a question that she wanted to know the answer to...again if you can't take the heat, stay the hell from out of the kitchen!!!!

[ebonyamberjade]

I don't know what your fiancée was thinking when she asked you this question. Obviously she was HOPING your answer would be different, but she had to have considered the possibility that you would answer the way you did. What good did she expect would come from asking you about your sexual history? In my experience, NOTHING good has ever come from learning about my partners past sexual experiences, and I have for the most part enacted a "dont ask don't tell" policy that has worked well for me.

 

I know it's water under the bridge now but MAYBE you should have paused before you answered and asked "why has this come up just now?" but you did the right thing by answering honestly.

 

I'd say give her some more time to process this. But if it is still lingering as an issue weeks, months from now, then you should DEFINITELY get to a marriage/family therapist to help you work through this. It sounds like it had a big impact on your fiancée and you should really try to get this resolved before it spirals even further

[gingerlemon]

At least that is what I was told...

 

My fiance' asked me a question about my previous sexual history and when I answered it, she totally shut down on me. I think that was a bit unfair. If I ask a question about something whether it is past or present, I mentally prepare myself for whatever the outcome may be. Now...I am feeling like I do not want to share certain things with her now. I do not want to have that type of relationship but that is how she is making me feel? Any recommendations???

 

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm just responding to the OP.

 

I've been in the situation of the OP, but I don't agree with the 'if you can't take the heat' line of argument.

 

My H asked about my sexual past before we got married and he definitely didn't like the answer at all and expressed a lot of discomfort about it. But I think he had the right to do that. In a sense, that was the whole point of asking - because those things mattered to him and he wanted to know more about it to make a decision as to whether we were compatible or not.

 

Having said that, I don't agree with shutting someone down at all. But to express dislike or frustration or anger or whatever, I think is in everyone's right, as long as people are still respectful to each other. Otherwise, the logical implication would be that we could only ask questions where we knew the answers wouldn't upset us.

 

I think especially women need to learn to take more heat and be less affected when men shut down or express dissatisfaction over their past sexual experience. At the moment, there are so many stories (and I admit, I lean on hearsay) about women not telling the truth about their sexual past because they are worried about being judged by their partners. I think it would do everyone a favour if both men and women were completely truthful about those things. Look people straight in the eyes and tell the truth. If they express anger and frustration etc over the answer, it's their problem and not yours. Don't get me wrong, I never ask anyone 'the numbers' question, I think it's crude. But if someone asks me, I don't hesitate about telling the truth and I don't see the point in pretending that that particular truth isn't there. Once you hit twenty something, most people come with a past. That's just reality.