Emotional abuse or is it my fault?

[Stabilus]

I think I am in an emotionally abusive relationship but don't know what to do. To me my partner seems crazy at times but sometimes I think it might be my fault.

 

She seems to get angry at the slightest things. For example last night we met up after work for dinner and went to a bar for a drink before the restaurant. I order two drinks and she sits next to me at the table, she is happy and begins talking and I am talking back then all of a sudden she gets angry because I am not looking at her as she speaks and says my body lanuage is creating barriers, she becomes hostile and eventually downs her drink and walks out of the bar to her car. I follow her to the car and get in and she begins to get aggressive, she is raising her voice at me and we argue, she starts saying that I treat her like a dog, she calls me selfish and tells me I am a pathetic excuse for a person and wants an apology for how treat her. So dinner is now cancelled and we begin to drive home, she is still aggressive, then halfway home she says that I started the argument just so I could just go home and watch Friday night football and demands that we now go out for dinner. This morning she tells me that it is all my fault and that she can't be with someone who treats her so badly.

 

A similar event happended last weekend where she snapped and was angry for the entire weekend and we eventually agreed that we would break up and even discussed how we would share the care of our child. Then at the end of that conversation she said that deep down she actually loves me and wants to have more children with me.

 

Whenever I wake up in the morning or come home from work I dont know what type of mood she is going to be in and am constantly walking on egg shells. She once said to me that she wakes up angry because I will upset her anyway so there is no point in her being happy if I am only going to upset her. She says she is protecting herself from the dissapointment.

 

We have only had sex few times this year which I am not bothered about because her behaviour is making me less attracted to her. She complains that we dont have sex very often but she never really instigates it though, she only asks for it and then expects me to do all the work. Am I emotionally abusing her by not giving her more sex?

 

She has lots of friends and is quite successful at work. Nobody else seems to see this side of her so I suspect that it actually might be my fault.

[mad rabbits]

Nobody else seems to see this side of her so I suspect that it actually might be my fault.

 

With crazy people, that's often how it is. They only show their bad side to people closest to them. Then they have the added bonus of being able to claim that YOU are the crazy one, since everyone else thinks they are normal.

 

Based on how you describe things, yeah, sounds like she has some bats in the belfry. Can't say that definitively but she sounds unstable to me.

[Cheetarah]

It's true that high functioning unstable people will expose their nastiness to close closest to them, whereas the rest of the world sees something of a martyr. Think Princess Di, actually. She was rumored to have a personality disorder and a wretched witch behind closed doors, but a seemingly charitable woman with a heart of gold everywhere else. This is really, really common.

 

And that's usually because people on the outside aren't able to trigger fears within them, whether it be an intimacy, vulnerability issue, whatever.

 

I read through your other thread and these aren't normal behaviors. You know that. She's controlling you, worst of all, you are allowing this instead of asserting yourself. Sounds like she puts you through some crazy-making and now you're challenging whether or not you're the one with the problem, the 'crazy one'. If someone tells you something often enough, you DO begin to question it. It can be so subtle that you don't know your ass from your elbow by the time they get done with you.

 

You've been miserable for 2 years in this relationship. When will it be enough?

[Stabilus]

How do I get her out of the house? I have a feeling that she won't want to go.

[BlackRebel2011]

wow.....I don't know what to say to that, she is unstable. of course, I am around that type of behavior all the time so I am pretty much used to it. most of family is that way. No offense dude, but she needs to go see a therapist really bad.

[Stabilus]

Well it all went pear shaped again today after a month of calm. We had planned for our son to stay with his grandmother over the weekend and we would go out to dinner and spend some time cleaning around the house in preparation for his 2nd birthday party.

 

His grandmother called last night and asked if she could pick him up at 9:30am and instead of 3:30pm today. I asked my partner if this was ok and she said yes.

 

This morning I get up at 6:30 to get my son out of bed and get him ready for the day. He had wet his nappy during the night and his pyjamas were also a wet so I decided to change him into clothes. He wasn’t happy about this because it was a cold morning and had a bit of cry. Then my partner walks in, sits down and starts to criticise me for taking him out of his pyjamas and that it’s all my fault that he is upset. I tell her to go back to bed because I don’t want to argue. Then tells me that he doesn’t’ have enough nappies and that I have to go out before I leave for work and buy some more. I said no and that she or his grandmother will need to get them because I have to be at work on time.

 

She now starts to raise her voice and become more aggressive. Telling me that I’m a selfish pig, saying that my mother is causing problems by picking our son up early and that I am always taking my mothers side. I tell her that if she had a problem with him being picked up early she should have said something last night and not in the morning when I have to get ready and go to work. It is clearly upsetting my son at this point.

 

So I get my son dressed and take him to the kitchen and prepare him some cereal for breakfast and start to feed it to him and he is happy again. All the while my partner is following me around the house, raising her voice, yelling, swearing, putting me down, blaming myself and my mother for the argument, and saying things like I don’t give her the credit she deserves for organising flights and accommodation for our next vacation. She then says ‘Your mother is a fu__ing bi_ch and I hate her!’ At this point I have had enough of her abuse and threw the plastic bowl of cereal at her. She then starts yelling and screaming even more and makes a whole bunch of threats about not being allowed to see my son and leaving me. My poor little son starts crying again and so I pick him up give him a hug and get him some more cereal. She continues to yell and scream saying that my son is now not going away for the weekend, its all my fault and telling me that I need to go get counselling for my anger. Then she takes photos of the cereal for evidence.

 

So in the midst of all this I manage to get ready for work, and talk her into letting my son go to grandmas for the weekend because there was no way I wanted him to be in the house with all this occurring.

 

What a disaster!

[DoGGYtREAts]

Havent read thru the replies but i can relate to the OP.

 

My Ex. Gf used to play Mind games with me constantly. After only a few months and at the young Age of 16 she had me fully convinced that all her bad behavior was my fault. Further more, she dumped me no less then 6 times during our relationship, just long enough of course to make me really miss her then she turns around and "takes me back" at the most vulnerable moment possible- With a bunch of un-realistic demands of course. And just like the woman in your life she was very good at keeping all this behind closed doors- At one point she even had members of my own family convinced i was the one being emotionally abusive!

 

I just see the red flags all over this situation and stongly suggest you consider seperation and having court aranged custody in this case. This woman is definitely unstable (or perhaps even abusive entirely by choice). Satying and reconciling with this woman is harmful to both you and child... And if i were involved in this case I would probly demand a thorough Psych eval before even considering allowing her any custody, and if indeed she is unstable place conditions upon any custody based on Ongoing-care and DR's reports.

[Cheetarah]

Uh, you're not going to get anywhere chucking bowls of cereal at her. Especially in front of your son. He doesn't need to hear her disgusting mouth and he doesn't need to see you throwing things. It's good he's going to be at grandma's.

 

What do you want? Do you WANT to leave? Do you want to stay? If so, what are the conditions upon which you would? Are they realistic?