"Getting Back Together"

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Today I bought a book called Getting Back Together Again. I also continue to post in this very forum that is entitled Getting Back Together.

 

My question is: Am I preventing myself from moving on in my life?

 

I suddenly thought whilst reading the first few pages of the book that I might be wasting my time here. I think I have every chance of getting back with my ex IF I play it right. We are currently 2 weeks into NC, which I initiated since I couldn't turn into "best friends" overnight while she needed "space and time" and wanted "to be single for a while." I intend to initiate contact in about 3 or 4 weeks and follow the strategy that myJoy outlined.

 

What is everyone elses view on this? Does the very fact that people are in this forum mean they are making it more difficult to move on?

 

I'm just in a reflective mood tonight. I want her back but right now I am scared that when I do contact her, she'll have moved on and I'll have wasted my time.

 

I'll stop rambling now!

 

Thanks,

 

Rich

[the_Monk]

Rich, you make a very valid point, in fact, this is my personal view and it hit me about 2 weeks ago. I was sitting here waiting on a reply to my thread and i was like, what the hell am i doing? Is she sitting in front of her PC somewhere hoping that what she just posted on the forum turns out to be positive? does she analyze things till they're dead? Probably not.

 

I agree, this site is great and the people are super. The support i've received has been amazing but part of me feels that by making this an every thing, i am holding myself into this rut...your opinions, please.

[auburnslp]

there is absolutely no question that you are preventing yourself from moving forward. By being on this forum, and by having the thoughts and hopes that you have.

 

But that is normal, and ok. Is there hope? Couldn't tell you. Maybe. Maybe not. It is rare though, that when a break-up occurs, to get back together and have it work long-term. There is a reason for the break-up, either within her, you, or a combination of the two. The possibility of bringing the relationship back, breaking down the walls, and fixing the inherent problems is always present, but unlikely. If there is a break-up, there is a problem. Love, true love, should never be hard. Not this hard at least. There comes a time when we must realize that this love in our life is not "the one", even though for a time it felt that way, and surely feels like that now, immersed in this pain.

 

So is this preventing you from moving forward? Of course it is. As is the residual contact, the emails, "chance meetings", phone calls, etc...But all this serves a purpose in our eventual healing. And it is truly unavoidable. So embrace this time, this aspect of your healing. There is no way to let go until you are ready. Recognize and accept the fact that it hurts like Hell, and likely will hurt even more if eventually you find that this kind of hope was just false hope. It is all normal, and necessary. We all go through it. But without question, at this point, it is holding you back...but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it...

 

Not trying to be a doomsayer, by any means. As I said, there is always that possibility. But I will say it is very rare. Steel yourself for the possibility that it will not happen, and then if it does, you will be all the more thrilled. For my part though, I have read success stories on here recently, and I will say that I will be so very not surprised when and if those success stories are back on here, lamenting and hurting yet again. Sometimes, no matter how hard it is, it is time to let go, to admit that it was not meant to be, and to realize, that God has bigger plans for us, and that one day we will look back and thank God or the lucky stars that this one didn't work out, or we would have never found the one we were truly meant to be with.

 

Love should never be this hard my friends...Michael

[mookey]

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree somewhat with auburnslp.

 

Of course it might not work out, but I do think that in this day and age love is sometime difficult for various reasons. I don't think that love should not be difficult. I think that maybe it SHOULD. You are taking two very different people and putting them together. Obviously a lot of people out there have trouble with all the complications of love, since 50% of marriages fail. Maybe if they've come together after a break up they've learned more about each other and themselves.

 

There is no one way a relationship should be or work out. I know of quite a few people who broke up for various amounts of time, only to come together and be happily married. Of course I also know people who broke up, were crushed, eventually met someone else and were so glad it never worked out with the first person. And I know people who many years later are still looking for someone else. My aunt even knows a couple that got divorced twice and re-married three (!!!) times before it finally worked out for them.

 

Love, life, and people are complicated. I for one choose to have a little faith for now, while trying to improve myself and my own life in the meantime.

[auburnslp]

Very respectfully, I will agree with much of that last post. But not all. I think maybe I was not very clear in my initial post...and this is where I agree with the intelligence of the reply...I truly feel that nothing worth having is easy...we cannot feel and know the value of something unless we have worked for it. And you are so right...in this day and age, nothing is easy, all our lives are so complex and complicated, and bringing two people together into one will remain a challenge for us all...but...

 

there is nothing at all wrong with hope, and not letting go completely, when some hope remains. I truly was not trying to imply otherwise. I did the same, for a good bit over three months. Made progress, had that hope raised even more. I have never been one to give up on anything that I find important to me, not when there is a shred of hope. I did not, and I never will. The key I think is to temper that hope with a back-up of reality...the possibility that things will not end up as we hope they will. Sometimes in life, actually, unfortunately often-times in life, we have little control over things beyond us, including other people, especially those that were once ours and are now not.

 

In no way did I suggest to give up or lose hope...as I said, it is an integral part of the initial process of healing, no matter if we come back together with the one we lost, or eventually we have to let go. There is always a possibility, and in that, there is always hope. But the initial question raised in this thread was will this hope prevent us from moving on? The answer, in my mind at least, remains "yes". That is just logic and truth. But for now, those in the stages of hope, there is no other way. Eventually that hope is either realized or it becomes futile. And either way, that is when we "move on", either back to the person we left or lost, or forward without them.

 

And that is all I was trying to say. Please know that I am not over here on this forum to dash hope. Never give up, if it is truly something you want, truly something that is meant to be, truly something that is right for everyone involved. Sorry I wasn't very clear the first time...and know that I wish every single person here the very best of luck...with my thoughts and prayers...Michael

[mookey]

Wow, well said, I guess we were really saying pretty much the same thing.