My Post-Breakup Journal

[TiredOfGames]

Day 2 - Putting on the blinders

 

I began recording my thoughts and feelings from day 1 (post-breakup) here.

 

That was a tough day, but now I am ready to begin journaling proper, and this is where I'll be doing that from now on.

 

I woke up early this morning to resume a regular routine. I took myself to the gym, had a decent workout, went back home for some breakfast, then off to work. On my way out of the door Day 2 popped into my head, and I was reminded of the movie 500 Days of Summer when new beginnings for the main chracter reset the daily counter back to 1. I have a new life to lead and I'm starting afresh, so I'm resetting my own counter and it's now on day 2.

 

My plan for work today is to put on the blinders. I'm fixing myself as of right now and she is just another work colleague with whom I have a business relationship and nothing more. I don't need to peak in her direction when passing her cube. I don't need to stop by to chat about her kids, the weekend, or tell her how nice she looks. What I will do though is tell ME how nice I look!

 

I will post here as and when necessary, which I suspect will be frequent to begin with, but hopefully over time I won't feel the need to as often. She'll be arriving at work pretty soon, and my blinders and headphones are at the ready. I imagine I'll be back in a few hours with an update.

[ketaro]

Good luck buddy, and remember we are for you whenever you wanna vent.

[TiredOfGames]

Thanks ketaro!

 

I don't feel the need to post again just yet, but I think I'm going to as part of the process. My morning has gone well and not a peep from her. I've had no business to discuss, whether in person or email, I've not bumped into her in hallways, and I've not even peeked beyond her cube walls while entering/exiting mine. So far I haven't even seen her; I've only heard her voice on a few brief occasions (and when I do it's a little grating atm). The headphones are helping and the blinders are keeping me focused.

 

It occurred to me earlier this morning that she has lost a friend in me, a friend that she wanted to keep. She is now merely a colleague to me; I am not her friend, and she has to face that every day that we work together. I take a certain amount of solace in this. I think it will help me cope working with her and being so close to her five days a week.

 

I am using LC for the sole purpose of work, NC at all other times, and I am the one controlling that.

 

I went to a local coffee shop for lunch. I found myself comparing other women I saw there to her, which will be hard not to do moving forward. I believe this also led me to think about our sexual compatibility while driving back to work, and how great we were together. I know that if I hear or get a whiff of someone else in her life that will be tough to deal with (which I believe is the case anyway, and I have a face to go along with it too, so that's annoying!).

 

Okay, get those thoughts out of my head and back to work!

[TiredOfGames]

My day has been pretty good. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I chose not to expect anything! I put myself in a good mood as soon as I woke up, and carried that with me throughout the day. I didn't have anything work related to discuss with my ex, so I plugged into music for most of the day, and I didn't catch sight of her once. Every work day since we met I've seen her to some degree. Today I put on my blinders and chose never to gaze in her general direction when entering/exiting my cube. I didn't turn to see her when she arrived this morning, and I didn't turn to see her leave either. and we didn't bump into each other in the hallways.

 

I chose to go LC today, and LC it was save for her work IM'ing me early afternoon. I found this odd for a few reasons... I've explained in some other posts (possibly pre-breakup) how I've been the initiator of >90% of contact all year (email, texts, chatting at work, physical intimacy, etc.). And to top that off she has been uncommunicative regarding her feelings, thoughts, and pretty much anything going on in her life too. I would always have to probe for information, and our conversations would amount to basic Q&A sessions. She would never go into much depth either. So now, post-breakup, full on NC yesterday (day 1), and nothing from me all morning, my IM window pops up in the early afternoon and the following ensues:

 

Her: Hi (real name removed )

Her: How are you?

Me: hey. i'm good thanks

Me: you?

Her: good, thanks

 

And that was that! In the past I've done most of the talking/texting, so I'm sure she was expecting much more from me. The other strange thing is that she used my name. She's never done that before! In the past it's always just been "hey", "hey you!", that sort of thing, less formal, more cute.

 

I'm in a coffee shop that's closing, so I'll continue this at home in a bit!

[TiredOfGames]

Continuing from previous post...

 

So she IM'd me to ask how I was and I didn't carry on the conversation after that (which I would have in the past). I'm sure she was waiting for something else from me for a while, but probably got the sense that I wasn't going to get into friendly banter. During our breakup a few nights back she brought up the friendship thing. She knows from our first breakup that I don't remain friends with my ex, and I reiterated this when it was brought up again. I said that working together would be hard enough as it is, and that the pain is too much to remain friends with someone I still love so deeply. I'm still not sure she really understands, but at least she knows where I stand.

 

Based on a phone conversation with her 1.5 weeks earlier I knew that an official breakup was a real possibility, and I'd already started to weigh certain options. Without this relationship I have no real reason to stay where I'm currently living. The only thing keeping me here would be the lack of a job lined up elsewhere, which could only be a matter of time. My rental lease is up for renewal (runs out in less than two months) and I need to have the new agreement signed very soon. A fresh start in a new town/city/state/country might do me good after ten years in my current location.

 

I brought this up during the breakup and that's when she started her serious crying. I'm not sure I want to sign a new twelve month lease and I was trying to figure out from her how final this was, and where her thoughts and feelings were regarding the future. The topic of moving away came up a couple more times before my eventual departure that night. She asked that I not make a decision right away and that she thought I had a little time to decide. She said that we'd talk again about things. To be honest I find this a little ironic now given her incredible lack of communication all year.

 

Her IM'ing me was a little surprising. Over however many months now I believe she's only initiated one out of countless work IM conversations, and that would have been several weeks ago too. What is she trying to accomplish here?

 

Her kids are at their father's this weekend, but I know she'll be getting them for the day on Mother's Day. I have absolutely no plans to contact her tomorrow (save for anything work related) or over the weekend, but I don't know whether she'll try to contact me or not given that she won't be occupied by her kids Friday night or Saturday. I just need to be prepared to respond in the right way in the event that she does.

 

Roll on Day 3!

[ketaro]

Congratulations on making it to day 3

 

I think she misses the attention she used to get from you prior to the break-up and the fact that you have started ignoring her is eating her up. Keep up the good and keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.

[TiredOfGames]

Day 3 - Started off feeling blah, moving right along to fantastic!

 

Thanks ketaro! The encouragement is incredibly helpful!

 

So I woke up a little tired and feeling somewhat blah, but I pulled myself out of bed and to the gym nonetheless. Not that I remember, but I must have been dreaming about her because she was right there in my head when I awoke. A combination of that and sleepiness had me feeling somewhat blah.

 

The idea of her and someone else plagues me a little. The guy 'friend' of hers, whose face I know, is bothersome. When we broke up last year I believe that's where she went running off to (although I think he'd been on the back-burner for some time before that). I think her idea of cheating is physical, anything kissing and beyond. I don't know what exactly occurred back then, but there was certainly something going on before the first breakup that I would say was definitely emotional. Anyway, the idea of her just running right back into his open and ever waiting arms is hard to ignore.

 

The day after the breakup I stayed home from work. At the time I felt a little weak for doing this, but not anymore. I'm happy that I did so. I hadn't slept well through the night, I was crying, had zero appetite and motivation to do anything, and I was just a general mess of a complete wreck. But allowing myself to experience that, to go through all of those gut wrenching emotions in a way I've never before, I think really helped. She on the other hand has never done this. Not with the first breakup, and I doubt she will with this one either. She's not that way, and has always jumped from one relationship into another. If she's not busy with her kids she'll do whatever she can to avoid any painful evaluation or reflection (like running off to her male friend!). I guess that's her deal, and I now need to think about that no more.

 

The other thing I find myself doing is comparing everyone else to her, even women on morning TV news! Aside from the attraction I have for her in every possible way, the physical attraction to her is insane. Nobody else has ever interested me since meeting her, and I feel like that's unlikely to change for some time. I'm presuming this is normal though. Feelings of love and commitment etc. don't disappear over night (not for me at least).

 

Tbh, when I think of physical attraction, I'm not even sure that's exactly what I mean. It's certainly that, but much more too. We are both active people and in general good shape and health. Any weight fluctuations that have bothered her immensely do not have an effect on me at all. I find her incredibly physically attractive regardless. So when I see women at the gym or out jogging who might be in better physical shape at this time, they are not a patch on her in my mind and do not interest me one bit.

 

I feel far less blah now btw. I actually feel pretty good again. I'm glad I got all of that off of my chest! She'll be here at work soon, so I'm going to plug in my headphones and put on my blinders. I'm feeling good about NC/LC again for the day. Throw what you will at me Day 3! Sticks and stones, water off a ducks back, and all that jazz!

[TiredOfGames]

Day 3 - Continued

 

Well the day went okay and I was able to maintain NC/LC, with the exception of a cordial reply to her good morning, and at the end of the day I let her know I was leaving the office out of common courtesy. She said have a good weekend, and I replied with a you too. To be honest, I feel a little like I broke personal LC and wonder whether I should have just left without saying anything. But I want to be able to hold my head high, make it seem like I am doing really well without her etc., and be somewhat civil at the office. I just don't want to be friendly on a personal level. I should have just said "thanks, I will" to her "have a nice weekend" and left it at that. There was no other contact throughout the day, and now that the weekend is here I'm actually feeling a little bummed out. I don''t know why, but when I arrived home the place felt empty and cold. We didn't live together or anything, and she only ever stayed at mine on a few occasions in the past (I nearly always went to hers). There were no photos of her there and everything else is already in a box. Why would I feel like that? I hope this isn't how my place is going to feel for any significant amount of time.

 

I feel quite lonely at the moment and I have no plans for the entire weekend. Being my first official weekend as a single guy, I guess I miss the security of just knowing I have someone, regardless of whether or not I'd be seeing her. I also don't have many friends (I only really have a couple in the same town truth be told). I've always maintained a social circle through a SO and her friends. Boy has that been a mistake! And having lived mostly in apartment, any good friends I've made there have tended to move out of state.

 

.... Go figure, a new friend couple from my current apartment complex called and invited me out for dinner and drinks! I feel better already!!!

[ketaro]

Go figure, a new friend couple from my current apartment complex called and invited me out for dinner and drinks! I feel better already!!!

 

Did you accept their invitation?

 

I don't think you broke LC as you two work together and it can't be helped at the moment. If you feel lonely over the weekends, go out and try to make new friends it will help you move on and experience new things in life

[TiredOfGames]

I accepted their invitation and I had a great time! We went out for dinner and drinks, then drinks afterwards too. It reminded me that I can have fun as a single person for one, and I also got to spend time with a young engaged couple on the verge of marriage, a private viewing as it were into their dynamics a little, and that too was fascinating. There were certainly moments where one was clearly not amused (for lack of a better word!) with the other (whether something said or an action), but not only were those moments very rare (maybe twice the entire night), but each just shrugged off whatever it was like an old married couple, like my grandparents! They were already just living with their natural imperfections, accepting them, shrugging them off, and then continuing to enjoy each other. It was cute, affectionate, and very loving.

 

LC at work has almost become NC! I emailed her asking that she return my apartment keys today. She waited for me to be away from my desk, then dropped them there. She did the same with a company laptop (we rotate on-call, and it's my week); waited until I was away, then sneaked it into my cube. Seems a little childish to me, but I think she's now just mad. She was like this the first time we broke up. The difficult balance of applying NC/LC at work I guess. When I arrived to work last Friday for instance, she was already there, so I said good morning as a matter of courtesy. When she arrived this morning, and I was already there, she went straight to her cube and didn't say a word, to the point of even saying good morning to another co-worker (with first name) that I was engaged in conversation with in the kitchen. I'm wondering now whether a combination of my recent NC/strict LC plus asking for my apartment keys to be returned is the cause for her seemingly 'upset' behavior. Now because I still have feelings of love for her (hasn't even been a week since the BU), I actually feel a little bad. But then I have to ask myself, did she ever feel bad for how she treated me when we were in a supposed loving relationship for all those months? Of course not. She didn't want me, she didn't want us as a couple, and she well knew that I couldn't and wouldn't remain friends with her. I'm even less inclined to ever be friends with her again when I think of the relationship I had with her, and how she never really treated me as a friend back then, so why the want and expectation to be friends now???

 

So if I see her around the office, I'll politely say good morning, or just smile in passing, but nothing more. If she wants to act unprofessionally, so be it. She's not dragging me down to that level with her. At the end of the day I'll be dealing with my work days just fine and she won't. Only she can help herself, and I really do hope she does. She just won't have me to count on as a friend and she needs to accept that, just as I've accepted we are no longer together.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[TiredOfGames]

Day 6 - So far, so good!

 

At some point I subconsciously decided to fast-track my healing and 'un-loving' of my ex. That's not to say there haven't been moments this past weekend where I've reflected with some sadness on the relationship and on losing her, but those moments have been few and relatively short-lived. I'm making sure I don't dwell on such thoughts as they form (sometimes from a song on the radio, or even just a quiet moment by myself). I thought about her returning my apartment keys and once I had those back today that was somewhat bittersweet too, I guess because of the finality of it all. I think what's bothered me most are thoughts here and there of her with someone else. I try not to let such thoughts linger, and they bother me less than they once did, but they still crop up. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I learned of something definite between her and someone else, but then hopefully that will be further down the line when I won't really care at all!

 

Going out with friends Friday evening was fun and refreshing. On Saturday I went to see a movie, and being a regular customer at my local theatre the ticket staff know me and I was able to chat with them for a little bit, more than I ever have before (both females btw). Some pleasant, fun banter, and a little confidence booster too. On Sunday I fancied sushi rolls early that evening, so I went to a local Japanese place and grabbed a "table for one"! I had something to read with me, the sushi rolls were spot on, and the company was fantastic! Being mother's day I got chatting to a young female mother at the table next to mine, She was there with her daughter (daughter was around 6 I'd say). No other family there (no husband/father) and from the limited conversation I had I'm pretty sure she was a single mother. Not that it matters, but it allowed me to get talking with her for a bit and I had a quite pleasant conversation. And another confidence booster.

 

What I've learned from this past weekend is that I'm fast-tracking myself toward healing from the breakup and the person who broke my heart. It doesn't feel as broken as it did, and in some ways it feels liberated too. I know I'm going to enjoy getting to know someone new in the future. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship just yet, but I am ready to begin getting my feet wet, to perhaps make some friends along the way, and to boost my confidence and get the real me back to my good old self. I'll know when I'm ready to give my heart to someone else again, and they'll know too..... when the time is right.

 

Day 6 since the breakup, of NC/LC, and so far, so good!

[TiredOfGames]

NC/LC Day 9

 

I find it a little strange how one can be on the up and up, and then suddenly find themselves slipping into a mild slump.

 

I am on day 9 of NC/LC (at work, and extremely limited at that), and today I find myself unable to shake thoughts of her which in turn have left me feeling, well, blah. Why would this be? Why is today any different from the last 8 before it?

 

Last night I went out to see a band play, fronted by someone I know. They were having their first album release party and I wanted to show my support. I also figured that a night out would do me good. I knew just one other person in the crowd so we hung out for a while. My friend, being somewhat older, decided to call it a night by 9:30pm. I stayed, moved closer to the stage, and generally enjoyed the music and atmosphere. Still, it was hard to not notice the groups of male-female friends hanging out together, but worse the couples enjoying the music and each other.

 

I get a lot of headaches, almost daily to some degree. A mid-week night out, with extremely loud music, shouting for talking, and a few drinks, unsurprisingly left me with a headache this morning. A slight lack of sleep didn't help either. But the headaches I am accustomed to now. I'm guessing my mood today has taken a slight hit due to the happy couples I saw last night. The couple dancing together. The couple in a close embrace most of the time. The couple side by side, her gently stroking and rubbing his back, and he doing the same for her. A certain reality has dawned on me as a result. I also decided to backup/remove some lingering text message exchanges from my phone and IM logs from my desktop (I've backed all of this stuff, including photos, to a USB thumb-drive that I sealed away in 'her' shoe box). I then went and disconnected her from my contacts list in Linked-In, the last place where I still had her contact information. I had wiped her from my phone and various email contacts the first day after the BU. I guess removing that last personal link added to the ongoing finality of things between us.

 

But as bittersweet as I'm feeling about things right now, there's only one way to go from here... onwards and upwards!

[twitchyfingers]

ToG, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to stay on track with your healing.

 

I know what you mean about having a good run of days, and then suddenly having a harder day. I imagine your late night out, and the headache, are contributing. I'm realizing how much my physical state influences how strongly my emotions run. Sleep dep is a huuuuuuge trigger for me.

 

I like that you are doing nice things for yourself, by yourself -- "table for one" sushi sounds awesome! No fighting over that last piece of sushi.

 

Stay well, and yep, onward and upward!

[TiredOfGames]

Thanks TF! I'm with you on the sleep deprivation thing.

 

Yep, all the sushi rolls for me, right down to the last one! I've eaten out by myself twice now. I was really hesitant at first, but after the second time I'm getting used to it. It's actually quite nice, somewhat refreshing and freeing!

 

I hope things continue to go well for you too. Onwards and upwards my friend!

[TiredOfGames]

Day 14 and my NC/LC resolve continues to grow ever stronger.

 

The ex treated me as less than a friend when we were 'together', let alone anything else, so there is and will be no friendship with this person. NC/LC is not even an effort anymore, because I really and truly just don't care.

[TiredOfGames]

Day 15 and still going strong!

 

Tbh I'm somewhat annoyed when I do bump into her now. I'm annoyed that I have to even acknowledge her. I passed her in the hallway this morning. She said good morning with a smile, and I replied in kind, but I felt really put out having to do so! I find this a little humorous I guess, not exactly sure why. I hate her face and her smile, even her walk. I really dislike this person and I find myself disliking her more every time I hear her, see her, or even sense her presence in the cube next to mine. I don't believe I've ever disliked anyone as much as this before.

 

Never date a co-worker, no matter how sweet and friendly they appear on the outside!

[loveconfused44]

Hello there! Finally beginning to figure out this site a bit and found your journal. I put a little update on mine or my thread as it's called I believe. I am going to have a look through yours!! Thanks for your input yesterday, it was greatly appreciated!

[TiredOfGames]

Hello there! Finally beginning to figure out this site a bit and found your journal. I put a little update on mine or my thread as it's called I believe. I am going to have a look through yours!! Thanks for your input yesterday, it was greatly appreciated!

 

It looks like you might have meant to thank zakky! I did however just read your posts, and thank-you for reading mine! Zakky had replied on your one post a couple of times. He might have a journal of his own around here somewhere.

[TiredOfGames]

Day 17

 

I don't even look at her anymore. I've only seen her face three or four times in the past 2.5 weeks. No small feat considering our working relationship. I avoid looking at her, even the back of her head. When leaving for lunch today she was in my other co-worker's cube. I announced that I was stepping out and looked only at my co-worker. I noticed my ex look at me from my peripheral vision, but I avoided any and all eye contact with her, then promptly left.

 

At some point I have to get my kayak from her (we purchased kayaks together last year and mine has been stored in her garage all winter). I've found local parks that offer canoe/kayak storage for just $85 a year (super inexpensive!). Once I confirm exactly where I'll be storing mine I'll have to contact her to arrange collection. Then I'll truly be able to wipe my hands of her on any personal/out of office level. She'll likely ask where I'll be storing my kayak but I won't be saying a thing. Anything and everything in my life, as of 2.5 weeks ago, is absolutely none of her business. And I couldn't be happier about that!

 

I've also stopped counting the number of NC/LC days. Only when I post here do I have to think about it and count on from my last post.

[TiredOfGames]

I no longer care how many days NC/LC I've been. I'm beginning to find others attractive now, more so than her when I perform the quick high-level comparison in my head. When with her, and for a short time post-BU, nobody else compared. I could never look at another female and find them more attractive. Even on our bad days during the relationship, she shone greater than all others, always. But now..... well she's still physically attractive for sure, and I use that as an initial comparison on occasion (I don't think about her that often now though). She still has a winning personality too, but that's the up-front personality that everyone else sees. What I'm finding now though is that her attraction dwindles significantly when factoring in her relationship personality, at least the one I came to experience. It was ugly, mean, and selfish. It was many negative and poor things. And with that I am no longer attracted to her. If there were ever the opportunity for a FWB with her, even if for just once, I'd be tempted at a physical level, but on principal I would turn it down flat. She does not deserve me in any way shape or form, and I can do better than her, and the best things only come to those who wait. I'll wait. I have time. And during that time I am feeling better and better every day. Always onwards, and always upwards!

[TiredOfGames]

My ex still has my kayak stored at her place. I was a little peeved about something after work today regarding her, so what better time to email and mention arranging a time for me to get my kayak?!?!?! I also mentioned other pieces left at hers that I wanted back. She of course decides to call my cell shortly after the email was sent (which was close to 10pm also), asking "what other pieces" and so on. She even asked where I would be storing my kayak. Yeah, like I'm going to tell her! I just said I had a few options that I was still deciding on, but would know within the next few days, She decided then to take the angry route on the phone, wanting various items of hers back. Fine, why should I care. But that's just it. She doesn't understand why I don't care anymore. Why after just three weeks I can "switch off". I reminded her that she was the one who broke up with me, She was the one who hadn't cared about me all year. And suddenly, now that I am fully NC with her (very very very LC at work, almost next to to nothing), she cares about this stuff? The conversation began to get a little heated and I decided to cut it off. I told her I wasn't going to go down "that road" and hung up. She calls back right away. She was upset after the second conversation too. BS about how she loved me more than anyone else before etc. Well, I loved her that way too, but that's all in the past now. Loved. Past tense. She's still peeved, angry, upset. Whatever, I don't care, I really don't. I finished the last conversation by saying that I would get the last of my things, then my kayak, and we'd be out of each others personal lives for good. She still doesn't get the not being friends thing, but she'll just have to deal with that. She sounded close to crying at the end of hat phone call, but then she's never taken the time to properly grieve between any past relationship anyway, so I have zero sympathy for her. She treated me poorly, and yet she still doesn't see that. All I get in response is "so I'm to blame for everything then". There is no way to have an adult conversation with her, so point blank I am done trying. I sent her an email after the last phone call wishing her the best in life, and that I hope she finds the happiness she is looking for. I also said in the email that, on a personal level at least, it was goodbye. I don't want her contacting me again once we've exchanged the last of our possessions. And she has no right to be angry at me for not being her friend at work. Work is work, nothing more, purely business. We've handled a couple of work items through email these past few weeks, and that's all that was needed and it worked. She thinks I'm treating her poorly because I'm not friendly with her at work. Anyway, whatever. It's late and I'm now blabbering. Guess she's gotten me a little worked up and I need to calm down! She's still denies her other guy friend. A friend of a friend saw her at his place a few weeks back. She thinks I was stalking her. I asked why would I waste my time on a Friday night doing that? I didn't stalk her, she's just trying to cover up what was and what I'm sure is still going on. But I also don't care what she thinks anymore. That was then. My eyes are only pointing forwards now!

[TiredOfGames]

Apparently I was TOO nice in my email. I began on a rant with her, then decided just to leave all of that be. I wanted to leave things with my head held high, and in so doing I wished her the best and said goodbye, mainly because I don't wish to and will not be her friend, and I don't want her to contact me ever again. I should have been more explicit about that. Instead I received a reply where she was soooo happy about the email I sent. Apparently I've given her a boost! Hmm..... I guess I'll just laugh about that and try to not let it bother me. I think she took some of what I said in a more positive light than I intended! That's her deal I guess. She always was a little one-dimensional like that!

 

I hope she doesn't think I'm going to be friends with her now, or friendly at work, because she is in for a big surprise if so.....

[TiredOfGames]

I vented here and now I feel much better! Onwards and upwards to all those healing here at ENA!

[TiredOfGames]

A few events have coincided these past few days that have put my head and heart into a bit of a spin. This is very frustrating as I had been doing so well! I went on a blind date Wednesday evening. She was extremely sweet and compatible on many levels, but she didn't have that sassy and adventurous side that I crave. This of course led me to compare her to my ex, and then think of the ex and I more. I'm wondering whether I'll meet another "her" (the ex), even though she was not good to me. So while things won't proceed beyond the date, I did have a nice evening with that person.

 

Some communication with the ex occurred later that night and the following morning at work, the details of which can be found in my rant here.

 

Since then I've been on a bit of a roller coaster, a tug of war between my heart and my brain. That little amount of communication, especially the phone call and hearing her voice, has certainly affected me. Then last night I went to see The Hangover: Part 2. The distraction was nice, but I have many good memories stemming from the first Hangover film with the ex. We had watched it at the cinema early on in our relationship, and then on several occasions after that at home on DVD/BR. We would constantly use references from the film with each other during regular daily events. So watching the second installment by myself hit home a little and dredged up many more memories of her and I, and all good memories too.

 

So now today I can't shake thoughts of her and that's not good. My heart wants her and that is really frustrating. She left work early as she wasn't feeling well (just a quick email to say she was leaving). My head says good, I don't care, I'm glad I won't have to see her, hear her, or sense her presence until next Tuesday now. My heart on the other hand misses her. And that just sucks.

[TiredOfGames]

For several weeks I was doing so well. A week ago I couldn't have been better. I was going so strongly and getting better day by day. Then mid-week hit, a blind date, then two phone calls with the ex (she called after I emailed her one line stating that we needed to arrange a date/time for me to get my kayak), a short email to her (no love rubbish in there; more me giving her advice about fixing herself and that once I had my kayak that would be the final goodbye - still, I shouldn't have sent anything in hindsight), a reply from her that same night, then a second reply from her the following morning at work. That was all late Wednesday night and early Thursday morning. Since then I've been going downhill and it truly sucks. How could this happen when I was going so strongly. Now I'm really not looking forward to getting my kayak as that will be a face to face encounter with her. I'm afraid that I will end up back at day 1 post-breakup. This royally sucks.

 

I'm back to having every emotion under the sun about my ex. My stupid heart, the organ that started all of this crap, seems to have won out over my brain a little in the past 24 hours. I also found out that her guy friend is now her FWB. Whether there is anything long term there or not I don't know, but it's a FWB situation right now. That means she is out there having fun, sex, and someone to fall asleep with and wake up to. She has her kids this weekend, but the upcoming holiday Monday is being spent with her FWB. Given her schedule with her kids, that I unfortunately know far too well after two years with her, he is always available when she has a free moment. Well duh, of course he is. He gets to have sex with her. I miss sex and I want sex. I'm also tired of not having anyone to snuggle up with on the couch, to fall asleep with in my arms, and to wake up to.

 

I'm feeling really very lonely. We only officially broke up just under four weeks ago. She would say six, but there was nothing obviously official on that occasion. That was the night she went back to her guy friend. But how I feel does not just stem from four to six weeks ago. She hadn't been there for me all year. My loneliness has really been building up for almost six+ months now.

 

I hate that she had someone readily available to go to. I hate the so-called-and-BS kind words she began throwing around in her last email to me. Stuff that should have been expressed during the relationship, but instead she now decides to tell me how much she loved me, how fantastic I am. If I'm so frigging fantastic, why the hell did you treat me so poorly??? BS. I really REALLY despise her now. I'm done pretending that some of this is my fault for allowing her to treat me that way. I gave and gave and gave, and she took and never gave anything back. I blame her and I'm so angry with her now that it's taking every ounce of strength not to contact her and unleash a tirade upon her for how poorly she treated me and essentially ruined us. UGH!!!

 

I don't know many people around where I live, and those that I do know are either quite a bit older, always busy, or just out of town. Why can't I meet people of my own age group? I know a bunch of people that are much younger than me that I just see around (we're talking a good 12-15 years younger, so I don't have their phone numbers or hang out with them). And I know a handful of guys that are my dad's age. * * * . I'm getting out and trying to put myself out there, but it's the same story every time. Always meeting people of the wrong demographic; zero channels toward even finding people I'd consider going on dates with, let alone even getting a date.

 

I went on a group bike ride today which was cool. It was a road ride out of town, around hilly back country roads. I almost didn't go because of how I've been feeling and how much the ex and the situation have been on my mind constantly for these past few days. I'm glad I went, but it didn't relieve me of the crap going on in my head and my heart. And now I'm back at home in my one bed apartment, and I'm angry and sad and lonely.

 

I've re-read some of my previous posts and replies to others, the words of advice I've given etc. Why am I so unable to follow my own advice right now? This is beyond ridiculous. I'm going to shower and get myself to the local coffee shop. I have nowhere else to go, but I have to get out of my apartment. I'd go to the cinema tonight but after seeing The Hangover and the after effects of that, all I can think about is her and us and our shared love for movies. Just the idea of seeing a movie, whether at the cinema or at home, even one we never watched together, just does not sound appealing right now. I can't even go to the office to throw myself into some work because of the work connection with her. I have to get out of my apartment.