Ex Has Texted Me - Going to Ring Me - I'm Scared

[Silverbirch]

Got a brief text from his this afternoon. I figure it's most likely to officially tell me voice to voice it's officially over, and maybe also that there are a couple of things at his place he wants out. I'm very nervous. There is that part of me that wants to be back with him. I WILL not tell him THAT.

 

I have bad heart burn atm. Please wish me luck that it goes okay.

[dramallama]

Don't be nervous. It is out of your control so whatever is going to happen will happen. Just try to regain your composure and act with dignity and you will be fine. You don't have to talk to him by voice, though. You can ask him to put it in an email if you feel that you might lose control.

[rkw]

I agree with dramallama, if you don't want a call, ask for email. I refused several of my exes calls, because I knew his voice would make me turn back on my decision. Email is much less emotional and gives you the chance to think about your reply, unlike phone call where you might blurt out all sorts of things you'll later regret. Good luck

[nattpanter]

Agreed, get a mail and have second opinions on ENA about how to handle it... breath and don`t fear! It could be cruicial on the future between you two how you deal with this. Good luck!

[Silverbirch]

Hi and thanks for your posts. Hope it is okay for me to have posted below from an IM I sent another member her.

[Silverbirch]

Firstly, I need to let you know I am okay. Feeling very calm and this weird feeling of freedom. You were right about yesterday being my worst day.

 

Anyway, he rings me to say that he wonders what is going on because his sister rang him and said that I had told her that it was over between us, that he had put all my things on the patio, and that I knew that he was now seeing a blonde woman and he says how I've got things all wrong. Well, I calmly put that back on him, saying that I had discussed it with quite a lot of friends and especially in view of there being no contact, it was fair to assume it was now ended with him.

 

He then tells me he needs to speak with me face to face. I tell him I don't want him coming here. My housemate is home. I tell him I don't want to meet him in public as he suggests, so he agrees I should go to his place. He tells me only problem is he is worried about how I will drive home ecause I'm likely to be very distressed by what he is about to tell me. I thinking "Oh, you egotistical s....head. You want to see yourself as a legendary heartbreaker". I think of things he has told me about another woman from years back who he is certain is still in love with him after he dumped her years agto. I think, "In yer dreams buddy." I tell him I do want some preparation for what he wants to discuss. He says that it just isn't working between us. I think, "Right I can be told this face to face, and I can give myself the opportunity to say my piece too, because it would be like him to hang up the phone on me."

 

 

Well, as I'm driving, I'm getting all sorts of things going through my mind. This next bit is absolutely true. I think of Kev and Steve and Wager, and people at ENA and my darling friend Helen telling me I'm a strong woman and I have dignity. I tell myself that of late, this man is looking to be no real loss, and things to that effect, and that my life will go on fine. In fact, better things are likely to happen.

 

When I get there, first thing I say to him is that I haven't come to plead and beg him, and I will accept it is all over. I basically get to hear how he has come to this conclusion because, now he adds he doesn't want to hurt me, I am a self-absorbed person. When I ask for elaboration, he says how I talked a lot about my new job and also the injury I had at work 2 months before I switched jobs. I point out that I was with him 4 years so 3 and a half good years, then this. Why not suggest counselling? He finally adds, because there isn't enough there.

 

He wants to know who has been telling me lies about another woman, then admits he has had several women in his home since he dumped me. I find out the blonde woman was a "friend" who I never liked. I didn't recognise her as she is a hairdresser, and she is always changing her hair. She is 15 years younger than I am, very pretty and looks like Kate Moss. A lot of her life is spent looking at herself in the mirro and doing things like putting manuka honey on her face. We actually had many arguments about her. When he got with me, she wasn't in his life. They'd had a big fallout. Then a couple of months after he gets with me, she is back on the scene and they are meeting for coffee. She comes to the house and for dinner a few times when I'm there. My gut feeling is that something isn't right. She is always flashing her cleavage or coming over in her gym gear. She has been in a LDR for the last 4 years. Well, G gets upset with me tonight saying how much trouble it caused with my jealousy and that I should have trusted him. I ask if he does love her. He gets angry and tells me that she is his friend, that I should not harp on about that, and that I should respect all of his friendships. I apologise, and say, "I'm over it." So then he says, "Well here is the litmus test. If you are over it, and I get together with her in a month, will you be okay with that." I started to feel crazy, but knew, this guy is messing with my head. There is something fundamentally missing and cold about his personality, and there is sometihng disturbing to me about what I see as false attempts at sincerity and the importance to him of being seen as a real nice guy.

 

The other thing I was aware of as soon as I entered the room and he sat accross from me - the connection I had with him is gone. The way he used to look at me, always deep into my eyes, loving and he was always affectionate and touching me. Oh and also, he said how he he put all my things on the patio because he thought that's what I wanted. I thought "My ass buddy. You can't be honest with anyone especially yerself. Worst of all though is that you are messing with my head."

 

I got all the bull about how he wanted to be my friend, blah, blah, blah, but lots about how selfish and self-absorbed I am. I admitted to him and to myself that with this new job, I have had times of definitely feeling like I took on more than I could chew, but I know that prior to that, I was more available to him than probably any woman would be. I did point out to him that when I moved in with him, I can see now, and I felt at the time that my own life - family, friends, interests took second place and then went by the way because he, his children and family and friends became far more important and I gave him examples. He apologised.

 

There was no yelling. I feel strangely calm and free. I saw him in a very different light tonight. Whilst I have ranted and raved here, I did quietly see him as so fake and shallow. I realised that what I had believed to be his love for me was actually lust he felt at one time. Over the corse of 4 years, that could not be maintained at that level of intensity. Rather than accepting that at times it goes and is replaced at times by other types of love, he had abandoned me. He is on the search again for all that sex and infatuation that goes on in the first few months of a relationship. Even with his ex-wife, that ended very shortly after the marriage, and so rather than work on other aspects of the marriage and love, he cut off emotionally from her .

 

I suppose I came to this realisation almost immediately he told me he wanted the break. I've grieved solidly, and will likely continue to grieve for a while, but I feel hope. I know I can love and love deeply, have lust, but more than that. I know I can own my failings in a relationship and change. Him t- no I don't think he can do any of those things, but more importantly, he doesn't want to. Why put in the effort when you can ditch somebody and replace them for another when things get a bit dull or hard.

 

This woman who I'm certain he has the hots for, he had told me many times that she is a very self-absorbed and shallow person, thawt she doesn't do relationships because she is an emotionally unavailable person. He told me something very mean she did to her own mother. Yes, he very likely lusts over her. If he isn't with her yet, he may be soon. Very likely, that within time, the relationship would end, and none of it being his fault of coures, just like with his marriage and with me.

 

Kev, you pointed out to me about me going on "My journey" and what that meant and maybe allowing some people to share parts of my journey. I can see that my journey felt to me like it had ended when I moved in with him and his children. I was expected to follow him and do as he said, and be there when he wanted me, and go away when he wanted me to. I want to go back on "My Journey". You cannot begin to understand young beautiful man how much you have contributed to me reclaiming my life.

 

I hope you won't mind if I paste this on the board so that I can let other people know what happens. You have been a genuine lifesaver. K must know what a silly, silly girl she was and grieve for what she has lost. I'll speak with your real soon. And thank you a million. xxxxxxx

[Silverbirch]

PS He has told me for a long time that he gets telephone calls where the other person doesn't answer and he is convinced it is a girl he was with years ago who he thinks has never gotten over him. He told me just after the BU when I was there that they were more regular. I told him they are probably people selling things, definitely not me. Just prior to leaving tonight, I told him if he continues to get those calls, not to think for a minute that it could be me because "ITS NOT MY STYLE."