stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 So here I am lying in bed thinking about things as usual and I had a thought id lke your comments on. when we are dumped we automatically tune into the ex and feel all the hurt, pain, emptiness and loss that follows, this for most of us goes on for weeks and months and for some years. I'm sure you'll all agree thus far. My question to you all is once things have calmed down, is it really all about the ex? Or is it more to do with us having to break what we are used to in our lives? Is it them we miss or is it being with a partner? is it their kisses and cuddles we want or just kisses and cuddles? Is them we want to go home to or is it that we want to go home to someone who loves us? I think we become very used to a way of life and so when that changes and the dynamics of our life change, could this be a major factor in the devastation we feel? Over to you Steve Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I've been having those thoughts too Steve, and asking myself those same questions. I know there were times I thought my ex was very kind and loving towards me and I really felt as though I thrived on that. I miss that very much. He was a big guy and I really liked that he felt warm and loved cuddling into him at the end of the day. He certainly isn't loving now, and even if I was to be back with him, after what has happened, the lovingness and warmth and TRUST would be gone so I would be missing that type of happiness and security. Last night, I cuddled up to my little dog who is so filled with unconditional love and adoratiion for me. Link to comment
stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Silver, You can always rely on your dog, oh and don't worry about your face, you're beautiful x Link to comment
fire2therain Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I think a lot of things come into play after a break up. For many, losing a partner just reinforces feelings of abandonment and disappointment that they had to go through before in their life. For many, it is about security, comfort, a sense of calm in their life that they now miss. For many, we just want someone who loves us. For many, there is a mixture of both. It depends. For me, many different things come out after a break up. I know that after I've calmed down I miss having someone there whenever I need it. It has forced me to be more independent and I haven't been like that in a long time. I'm also now scared of starting all over with someone new eventually. I've kind of rambled on but I think you get what i'm saying Link to comment
LoveConned Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I too wonder if I am missing him or is it the thought of him. My pain is still raw as it only happened 11 days ago. 12 days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and he was never going to lose me ever! I hope that one day soon i realize that its the love that i miss because that can be had again even though you cant have them again Link to comment
Di84 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Steve, I often ask myself this very same question. I think that partly we really do miss our ex and what we had with them BUT I think the devastation really comes from being alone and feeling unloved. We all know we don't NEED the x to survive, but we do need love to live a happy life. So, what it comes down to is.... the ex can easily be replaced with a new love and all those wonderful feelings will come back.... but the challenge is patience. We get so used to our partner after time and the love, sex, and just having a partner around to share our day to day life with, that when they are gone...we feel that our whole life has gone too... but we both know that's not true. It's just that we've come accustomed to this way of life for a while. I honestly do believe that heartbreak is not because of the loss of our ex perse, but the feeling of such horrible rejection and feelings of being unworthy of love. Of course our ex's had great qualities that we loved, but there are millions of others out there with great qualities too... we just don't believe it yet, because we have yet to find it. I am confident that we will all end up happy again one day in the future with a new partner that truly adores us. Focus your mind on that and your heart will already feel lighter. Every night when i go to bed now, instead of thinking about my ex and all the pain, I try to focus my mind towards an image of a new person (pick any hottie out there ! lol) and picture myself happy with that new person doing all the great things i did with me ex. For some odd reason, this helps me cope. Link to comment
Di84 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I've been having those thoughts too Steve, and asking myself those same questions. I know there were times I thought my ex was very kind and loving towards me and I really felt as though I thrived on that. I miss that very much. He was a big guy and I really liked that he felt warm and loved cuddling into him at the end of the day. He certainly isn't loving now, and even if I was to be back with him, after what has happened, the lovingness and warmth and TRUST would be gone so I would be missing that type of happiness and security. Last night, I cuddled up to my little dog who is so filled with unconditional love and adoratiion for me. I've done a whole lot of cuddling with my pup over that last few months!!! LOL they make excellent boyfriends! Link to comment
stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 I get you completely fire, you're confirming some of my thoughts, please don't be scared of what the future holds, it has a way of looking after itself. Thank-you for your comment. Link to comment
fire2therain Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I get you completely fire, you're confirming some of my thoughts, please don't be scared of what the future holds, it has a way of looking after itself. Thank-you for your comment. I completely agree. Everything always works out in your favor you know? And I always forget that I'm the one that controls my future, which is comforting, knowing that even though my ex had the power before, I can get it back just for myself. Link to comment
stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Di, loveconned, thank-you for great comments. Link to comment
stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Fire, that is exactly what you can and should do, life is all about living and the centre of your world is you. Thanks again Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Hi again Steve. Thanks. Don't feel at all beautiful atm. I just went out onto my little porch and had a coffee and ciggie. My ponies came up to say hello and one of my cats jumped up on my lap. It definitely felt reassuring and as corny as it sounds, I could "Feel the love". I'm very fortunate to live in this place and have my animals all with me. Link to comment
stevef20 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 There you go then, they think you're beautiful to x Link to comment
hotnspicychikn Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 You know to be honest there are things about him that I miss and there are other things that I don't miss. I have been in a committed LTR pretty much since I was 16 years old and a Mother since I was 17. So at times I feel completely lost on my own, never really been on my own since I was a teenager (and then I really wasn't on my own because well I was a teenager lol). It's just strange but at the end of the day I know that nobody else can fill the void inside of me and that I need to learn to be a happy and whole person by myself before I can find a happy and healthy relationship. And I definitely think I miss what I wanted the relationship to be more than what it actually was. Link to comment
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