Her Commitment phobia won out in the end :(

[livestrong23]

So I have been reading along to the many stories in this forum from some individuals that are dealing with alot of pain and heartbreak that I can relate to. While it is sad to see so many others deal with situations similar and worse then mine, it is also comforting to know you are not alone. A few weeks back I attended a pro sports event with 18,000 others in the stadium and I remember thinking something along the lines of "no one in here could possibly be in the same amount of heartbreak pain that i am in"....what an awful feeling :sad:

 

In short, I am on day 22 of NC and it is hard, really hard! I dated my ex for a year and then we broke up so she could work on her commitment phobia that stemmed from childhood parental trauma (divorce, verbal abuse, affairs by parents etc...). When we broke up, I kept in LC as I really felt down deep that we would have another chance if she worked on herself. And guess what, I was right!

 

We got back together and had another wonderful 7 months together. She was a different person when it came to her emotions, it certainly seemed like we were going to be ok.

 

Then, right after valentines day, everything changed and it was like she was right back to where she was when we broke up the first time. I was understanding and gave her space and hoped she would snap out of it. She did for about two weeks but eventually it was too much and we broke up again about a month ago. I pleaded for her to go back to therapy and work again and that I would support her. She was frustrated and said I can't do that again, bring up all those bad memories etc... She decided after another week of thinking that she just needed to end it with me as that would take the pressure off of her to work on things. The fear was too much. She knows she has a problem, she just feels down deep that its too "rooted" in her and she can't change. She is only in her early 30's so she has time to change, its just easier right now for her to postpone and give me up then to fight and take a chance that she fails again and hurts me even more.

 

I'm posting here because I'm sad that I lost the person I cared about most in this world and I feel like this may be the end for good. She is to sweet to try again without changing because she wouldn't want to hurt me again. She is afraid to try and afraid to fail. She is stuck. I can't help because I'm the source of both even though I don't mean to be.

 

We ended positively as she said how much she will miss me and how she will always love me and what I brought to her life. Instead of being angry, I said the same and told her I understood the fears she was facing and that I would always welcome her back in my life. I'm happy I did that but sad at the reality that she will probably never come back or if she does, it will be in what feels like so long from now (6 months, a year etc...) and I can barely handle day to day right now.

 

I am struggling with NC everyday. I want to just tell her I miss her so she knows I'm not angry and that I still care for her more then anything. Then I read these forums from some of you who are clearly dealing with similar situations to mine and read things like "she let you go, it is her job to reach back out" and "don't make contact, it will only set you back to square one". I agree with both so I hold back from making contact. Problem is, I don't want to let go of the possibility down the road, my heart won't let me. I also don't want her to let go if she thinks I am giving up.

 

So if I text "I miss you" to her, I know she would reply but I would either get an "I miss you too" or a smiley face. Neither does me any good, I know she misses me and then I would be stuck as to how to make contact again without seeming insecure etc... Why does it feel like their are no good options? Why does your heart tell you 100% to reach out and message her, yet your brain says do it and you will regret it? Which is right?

 

Like most, I have overcome heartbreak before so I know I can and will do it. This time does feel different though. This time feels like I've really lost the love of my life. It's sad and unfortunate that one person can feel so strongly yet the other person has issues that prevent them from even having the other person in their life.

 

I'm afraid NC will continue to make me have questions because my heart won't let her go and if I have contact, I will be back to square one which I don't want.

 

Deep down, I know the answers to the questions I am asking, it just sucks!!

 

The people on these forums (you know who you are) who share their situations and guidance and offer helping hands...you are pretty great people, keep your head up and know that alot of others are inspired and are learning from you.

 

If anyone else has had similar experiences with a commitment phobic/emotionally blocked person, please share as I would love to know your experiences....or if you are feeling the same as me with the NC/should I make contact, feel free to respond as well.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Livestrong!!!

[lavenderdove]

The thing is you think you just have to wait long enough and she'll come to her senses, but you have been thru 2 cycles of this, and basically she is telling you that she prefers the single life with her options open rather than dedicating herself to another person. If she wanted to fix that and dedicate herself to you, she could go to counseling rather than make the choice to put you out of her life.

 

She has to feel both that something is wrong with her AND that she's willing to do what it takes to get over it (counseling), but she is not making that choice. She is instead preferring to let you go.

 

What usually happens in situations like this is that you will be waiting only to discover she's taken up with someone else. She may stay with that new person forever, or just for a while, but if she's already given it two chances with you and still chooses to leave you, i'd take that as a sign that it is time for you to work on accepting that she doesn't want to commit to you, and chooses to live her life a different way, which might be a series of people over her lifetime rather than devotion to one person forever. Many people do make that choice, and are fine with it.

 

The trick here isn't to find new ways to hope she'll come back, but to have the hope that you will find the right person for you who does want to commit to, and i'm confident you will if you recognize she just doesn't want the same life that you do and let her go. It isn't your 'heart' that won't let her go, it is your determination to have what you want in spite of lots of evidence that she doesn't want the same thing, and also counter to the reality that she is no longer in your life though you keep her alive in your mind and thoughts as if she were.

 

You need to google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. Let her do whatever she wants to do, but you need to work on aligning your thoughts and feelings with the reality of the situation, that she is not your partner and has chosen to live a life away from you. You need to stop putting her at the center or your thoughts and life and quit building your thoughts and life and future hopes around her, because she has clearly shown you she doesn't want that and chooses to live a separate life from you, by herself or with other people.

 

That is hard for you to swallow because that is not the outcome you hoped for, but given that that is the way it is, you will improve your life immensely by accepting that, and doing thought stopping to help you adjust to that reality and start finding hope in other people and things rather than carrying a torch for someone who is gone. What you want is a happy life for yourself and a happy life for her, and she has chosen her happiness as NOT committing to you, so you need to take responsibility for finding someone who does want a commitment and life with you, and that person is out there waiting if you put your efforts into healing and grounding yourself in the present rather than trying to hang onto the past or fantasizing about some possibility in future that may or may not happen.

[livestrong23]

What a brutal and HONEST response!!! Thank you. It's the exact response that hurts me the most because it is the most accurate. What a loss for everyone involved, me, her etc... It just sucks that a quirk (a big quirk, I grant that) stops what could potentially be a lifelong love affair.

 

Like most other posters who believe they found the "one", how do you move on? Everyone gets compared to her...and everyone loses! I frickin hate this because I feel I have no control over it at the current time (looking into the thought stopping but am skeptical so far because everything reminds me of her). I am proud that although I threw myself to her and myself vulnerable for about a week (with no regrets, I had to fight for her cause I love her), I then went out with dignity. If their is ever a chance of us to reconnect (if she truly gets "healthy" as far as commitment goes), it will be because I showed her respect and love at the "end", I firmly believe that...but it doesn't make these first few weeks/months any easier.

 

For those who have overcome, is it another relationship (when you are ready) that helped the most? Is it recognizing that they are never coming back? (Be honest, does that ever really really happen?).

 

I have grieved, am in a bit of the anger phase now and soon expect to feel the next stage. The one thing I don't want is to see her or run into her or even see her driving in her car...I am sooo not ready for that. When does that change? I don't understand the fb stalking etc...that would set me back to square one immediately, it's like asking for more pain!

 

Again, thanks lavenderlove, what a great post even though I hate you for it (just kidding of course)

 

Oh, and any other thoughts are welcomed, how about stick to your NC and she'll come back...c'mon, I would love one of those!!!!

 

Livestrong

[lavenderdove]

Trust me, we've all been there! I'm really not trying to be brutal, but typing takes times so just getting to the point.

 

What helps most is looking at the situation accurately and not spending eons of time fantasizing about every potential outcome that might happen. Constant hoping and fantasizing they'll come back is the same impulse that drives people to throw their life savings away on gambling in Vegas. They can just TASTE that win just around the corner, even though the reality is that Vegas is built on people who have high hopes and poor odds, since the odds are with the house.

 

In this case, you've had two go rounds with your ex, and both times she dumped you and ran, so odds are good she'll do it again even if she does give you another chance, so not worth you throwing all your emotions and hopes down that hole, anymore than it is betting the farm you'll win a million dollars in Vegas.

 

So to get better, you need to accept that odds are very small at this point that she'll come back for round 3 and that it will succeed... so why waste a big chunk of your life pining for her? Go about the business of living life fully. Practice thought stopping so that you don't think of her more than 5 minutes a day, and start spending time with other things and people, and you will get past this, become happy and content again, and find someone new who is probably much better for you than this woman is. It is the best technique i can think of to break you out of an obsessive groove, and you should try it.

 

btw, most people who object to thought stopping are in the mode that they will happily take fantasy over a real live person in their lives... and they're being totally desperate to get their own way even if their partner isn't interested in playing anymore. If you find yourself unable to practice thought stopping, then it's time to consider therapy to learn why you won't let go of a person who is long gone and doesn't want you anymore. Two months is early on in the grieving stage for a long relationship, but you need to practice thought stopping if you want to accelerate your healing and feel better and some relief.

[tennis8763]

Livestrong, after my own traumatic experience with a commitment phobic man (the relationship ended in mid March, only to be dragged out for another 6 weeks by both him and me,) I cannot tell you enough how you MUST, at all costs, resist the temptation to contact this girl. She is not capable of caring for you, she is not capable of considering your feelings, and she is not capable of being what you need and deserve until she decides, if ever, that she WANTS to CHANGE.

 

I tried to understand, forgive, and not be angry at this man, but it didn't help me in the end. The fact is that he hurt me, regardless of whether or not it was intentional. He's a nice, charming, charismatic guy, but every aspect of his life screams commitment phobia. Do not text her, do not call her, do not look at her pics on Facebook. You need to get his girl off your mind, or it may torture you FOREVER. I tried texting him telling him how he felt, how he hurt me, how I wished it would turn out differently, but each time I got little to no response, and most of them were very cold and distant. The last time I brought it up, the response was, "I'm sorry if you don't understand, but I don't want to talk about this anymore." The only reason I know this guy's issue is because I read a book about it after he pulled the rug out from under my feet when we were just getting to the best part of the relationship, and I was going insane trying to figure out what happened.

 

This girl at least gave you the courtesy of telling you about her issue, so you have SOME closure. Many people never get any. I hate to say it, but this girl has to be dead to you...because you are dead to her. She doesn't want you anymore because she is terrified of what you represent. The more you hold on (like I did,) the more you're hurting yourself. I can't express to you enough how you NEED TO TRY YOUR BEST TO LET GO. I now have what I think is PTSD when I think of my attempts to get closure and how he avoided my questions and gave me BS answers. The most important thing for you to understand is that no matter what happens to you, she will not care. It's like the lyrics of that song, "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie." Point being, she is incapable of caring. STAY AWAY.

[tennis8763]

Livestrong, after my own traumatic experience with a commitment phobic man (the relationship ended in mid March, only to be dragged out for another 6 weeks by both him and me,) I cannot tell you enough how you MUST, at all costs, resist the temptation to contact this girl. She is not capable of caring for you, she is not capable of considering your feelings, and she is not capable of being what you need and deserve until she decides, if ever, that she WANTS to CHANGE.

 

I tried to understand, forgive, and not be angry at this man, but it didn't help me in the end. The fact is that he hurt me, regardless of whether or not it was intentional. He's a nice, charming, charismatic guy, but every aspect of his life screams commitment phobia. Do not text her, do not call her, do not look at her pics on Facebook. You need to get his girl off your mind, or it may torture you FOREVER. I tried texting him telling him how he felt, how he hurt me, how I wished it would turn out differently, but each time I got little to no response, and most of them were very cold and distant. The last time I brought it up, the response was, "I'm sorry if you don't understand, but I don't want to talk about this anymore." The only reason I know this guy's issue is because I read a book about it after he pulled the rug out from under my feet when we were just getting to the best part of the relationship, and I was going insane trying to figure out what happened.

 

This girl at least gave you the courtesy of telling you about her issue, so you have SOME closure. Many people never get any. I hate to say it, but this girl has to be dead to you...because you are dead to her. She doesn't want you anymore because she is terrified of what you represent. The more you hold on (like I did,) the more you're hurting yourself. I can't express to you enough how you NEED TO TRY YOUR BEST TO LET GO. I now have what I think is PTSD when I think of my attempts to get closure and how he avoided my questions and gave me BS answers. The most important thing for you to understand is that no matter what happens to you, she will not care. It's like the lyrics of that song, "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie." Point being, she is incapable of caring. STAY AWAY.

[sugarbeet]

Hi Livestrong-

 

I could have written your first post. I'm sorry you are going through this too. I can say it doesn't change. My fiance called off our wedding and broke up with me after two years living together because of what I think is a commitment problem- to life in general, but yes me specifically. For the next year we went back and forth. I did get a round 3. Like you several more lovely months together- ending abruptly and the same way- he can't handle the pressure of "us". And I did so much to create no pressure. It just didn't matter. We even went to couples therapy this last round. It was helpful, but the end result was the same.

 

I too am proud that I let go with love. I still love him dearly and felt terrible for how much he struggled with loving me (seemingly) and that just not being enough at the end of the day to make him feel comfortable committing. He was also depressed about other life things, but yeah, feeling like I was his source of comfort and the source of the problem at the same time was brutal. Even after the last break up he often called me his best friend. But said he had some things he had to work on for himself and he couldn't do that if he was always considering me and my feelings. Maybe he just wants to be with someone else. Maybe he will never commit, but maybe he just can't commit to me. Either way the answer is the same for me-- NO. It has snuck back over to maybe a few times now since we first broke up a year ago, but never to YES and hear's what I'll do to get there. Counseling together was a big step and I am forever grateful as it helped me understand some things better and i feel with left the experience with a great deal of love and respect for each other, but in the end you can't get someone to commit and stay if they don't want to.

 

I miss him every day. It's been 7 weeks since the last time he told me he just couldn't do it. I've been NC since. I just can't be part of his journey. Certainly not now, maybe never again. Our therapist explained that he has to decide without my prompting what he wants his life to look like and commit to that. Lavender is right, most people never look at life so objectively or plan thoroughly- so there is a good chance he will sooth his depression/emptiness with someone else- and that will be that. Not because he is bad- just human. It's not my business anymore. I truly wish him the best- and work everyday on loving him enough to accept that for him, maybe that's not me. I don't think it's true. From my perspective we were great together. But i know that I can't hold on to him and get anything other than a repeat of the past.

 

Staying in contact ENABLES the same treatment. Believe me. I've fallen in this trap many times now. I don't believe in ultimatums either. Just silence. She knows how you feel. If she ever is in a place where things are different for her, she will reach out and let you know. If not being in contact keeps you both stuck. Even though he's been the one to break up with me every time, this last time we were together my ex told me not contacting me while apart is sheer torture. But staying in touch doesn't allow either of us to heal-- which gives us NO CHANCE of changing. You have to keep distance to allow her to grow into who she will be. Maybe that will include a life with you, but most likely it will not. Point is you can't stay in touch or wait around. Torture. Plus if she is growing (and you don't want her back if she isn't) and you are staying still, you won't be in a place to move forward together.

 

All this is easier said than done. I hope it is helpful. It has helped me to write it out. I'm happy to answer any questions about my experience, but of course I don't have many answers. I guess just some thoughts that keep me going when I want to reach out. AS far as how you get over it, i'll let you know if it ever happens. But I do find solace in doing what is best for two people i love and respect-- me and him-- by rising out of our cycle to give us the chance as individuals to change, wherever that might lead.

 

Wishing you strength and peace.

 

Oh and thought stopping does help quite a bit. Used to picture a giant stop sign and actually say STOP to myself when obsessing. More than that though, I've found acupuncture for anxiety and obsessive thinking to be incredibly rewarding.

[tennis8763]

Sugarbeet, I feel so bad that you are still in love with your ex. Luckily the commitment phobe and I dated for only 3 months, so I didn't have the chance to start loving him yet -but I was getting there.

 

Unfortunately no contact is the best and only way to go without losing your sanity, but it's definitely good to not know what they're doing or thinking, so that you can spend less time thinking about them. This really has been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I know I will get over it, but I also know it will take time. Probably far more time than the 3 months we spent together.

 

I guess one consolation is that it's not like you're going to see them out on a date or happily married. We all know that they will most likely never be able to have what we can. Not that we wish them misery, but it's also not like we lost anything.

 

I read in the book "Men Who Can't Love, "You will assume 3 roles, that of their mother, therapist, and best friend." Meaning you will pack their bags, counsel them, and drive them to their airport, until they can safely shut the door behind them. You do NOT want to assume these roles, but it sounds like both of you already have. This makes it even more difficult for you. I suggest that you stop feeling obliged to do the right thing and "love them because it's not their fault." The fact is it IS their fault because if they wanted to change, they would. But it's easier for them to hurt you than fix what's broken within themselves. Remember that.

[twitchyfingers]

Here's something I don't understand: why is it OK to pathologize others who simply don't want the same level of commitment as their partners?

 

Some people are simply happier and healthier and better off either being single, or in less-entangled relationships. The idea that there is some "ideal" relationship, and that anyone who isn't into that is broken and needs therapy, is bothersome to me.

 

Who makes these standards?

 

Sorry, a bit of a sidebar whinge, but there are SOOOO many variations in what works for people, relationship-wise, I think it's unwise to fixate on trying to get someone who has a different relational style to conform to yours. Time better spent choosing a mate who believes in the same level of interaction.

[livestrong23]

Tennis and sugar beet, your replies and experiences were incredible to read. I could have written variations of both your posts with the same underlying theme. I will post over the weekend to share some more of my thoughts.

 

Twitchy-no offense but your post is not accurate for all situations. I won't disagree that labeling doesn't occur but in my circumstance, my ex knows she has a problem,admits it and most importantly is NOT happy that she is like this. She just can't fix it herself and therapy is long and difficult and she is afraid to drag me through her problems. As posted above, it is easier to end things then fix it with the pressure of our relationship riding on it. Please don't insult me or sugar/tennis.

[livestrong23]

Tennis and sugar beet, your replies and experiences were incredible to read. I could have written variations of both your posts with the same underlying theme. I will post over the weekend to share some more of my thoughts.

 

Twitchy-no offense but your post is not accurate for all situations. I won't disagree that labeling doesn't occur but in my circumstance, my ex knows she has a problem,admits it and most importantly is NOT happy that she is like this. She just can't fix it herself and therapy is long and difficult and she is afraid to drag me through her problems. As posted above, it is easier to end things then fix it with the pressure of our relationship riding on it. Please don't insult me or sugar/tennis.

[twitchyfingers]

No insult intended, and I apologize that what I wrote came accross that way.

[livestrong23]

Thanks twitchy-no worries

[zakky]

Livestrong - I feel how you feel having been with a woman who accepted that she had numerous issues including a commitment issue. I know she tried to some degree but ultimately she dumped me because she could not handle the commitment. Its rubbish to know that they openly recognise they have an issue and yet they choose not to work at it to be with you. It has been really hard for me to accept that she didn't want to at least try and get some help but often what happens is its easier to ignore the problem, perhaps keep going through life sabotaging every relationship they ever have and burying the issues deeper and deeper. My ex says she has realised that she just can never have a relationship. If she cant have one with a 'great perfect guy' like me then she knows she isn't capable of one. I asked her to have counselling to help with it, but I'm obviously not worth that because she won't. She will probably meet someone else soon, and that will suck. But, really, ultimately, what more can we do than what we have? We can take some comfort in that.

[livestrong23]

Zakky-I feel your pain...and your right, they already know they cannot have a relationship full on because these fears will ruin them. They will mostly pick partners who are shallow so they are not as concerned about hurting them or if they pick a good person, they will keep distance or sabotage eventually. Everyonce in a while they will pick someone like me or you who will fight for them and see through their issues and they will try and go the distance...but without professional help,eventually the fear is too much...very sad way to live for people who mean well. I'm sorry for you, I know how hard this is.

[zakky]

It is so so true what you say. My ex just ended up saying I can't give you what you need which is a 'full on relationship'. She wasn't even prepared to make baby steps towards that goal. She just said I'm sorry I have shut down. I wasn't the first to tell her she needed counselling, her friend did before me and she scoffed at it. I do feel sorry for her though, its not about me being bitter because I got dumped. She really does have a condition caused by her past which she just won't deal with. We can't make them deal with it, they have to want to. One day maybe they will, who knows. We just have to let them get on with how they want to live and learn from it. Hope your okay man too.

[tennis8763]

Twitchy, FYI - Commitment phobia is a legit disease/phobia. These people are literally scared of closeness and intimacy. Why they choose to try realtionships when they know this about themselves, I have no idea. But let me tell you this is some traumatizing sh*t because the relationships don't wind down on their own due to 'real issues' with both sides. My guy and I were finally getting to the "best part" after not even 3 months when he left me for no good reason, telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to be friends. This after pursuing me ardently for 2 months! Once the chase was over, he was "too close." But I was on my way to falling in love So imagine this.. you get no closure and are left to find answers and resolutions for youself. Thank GOD for "Men Who Can't Love" and "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. These books literally saved my sanity, if not my life by describing his wall/barrier to intimacy constructing behavior to T.

 

You will know if you encounter such a person.. He/she will be head-over-heels for you one minute, and when you start showing your emotions and expecting then to make good on what they wanted to give on the beginning, you're asking too much of them, and they split. Lavender at least got an explanation, I got NOTHING from him, even after pleading with him for the opportunity to give me some closure so that I could move on.

 

Point being, these people have real problems and do exist, and you should pray to God or whoever your higher power is that you don't fall in love with one.

[tennis8763]

P.S. Livestrong and Zakky, where do you guys live?? Single female, 28, Metro NYC area does not have commitment phobia and can handle sustained love & intimacy hehe

[livestrong23]

Hey Tennis, love your callname, played tennis all my life...unfortunately, I'm in PA, just my luck haha

 

I'm sorry you didn't get an explanation from your ex, I got one but to tell you the truth, you have to be pretty understanding to go along with it....I'm strong somedays, others,not so much! The biggest problem with letting someone like this go is that the good times are soooooo goood!! My ex was like an angel, smart,beautiful,caring and so smart...I felt so lucky. I used to tell her that I was sorry that her commitment issues had hurt her other relationships but was glad she was working on them with me because if she didn't have these issues, their is no way she would have been available when I met her, just too good a catch.

 

It's funny, if we could all master the style of dating these people have, we would have everyone pining away because the art of the mystery is so alluring. I am just not capable of that, would rather show love and support and make my partner understand I am there for them through thick and thin. The risk is you could end up being taken for granted but the reward is a mature relationship. Risk=Reward here...not sure?

 

I still hope one day I will get something from her but really, as everyday goes by, I know I won't. These people can block out relationships like no other...she told me before when we broke up the first time, she just blocked me out and it wasn't until an accidental encounter at a store that all the feelings came rushing back. Maybe that will happen again, but i doubt it.

 

I drove by her the other day for the first time since the BU and I'm pretty sure she saw me (she was driving too). I just thought to myself, their goes the person that I thought was the love of my life, who still knows me better then anyone, and all I can do is keep driving. Doesn't make a lick of sense...

 

Livestrong

[tennis8763]

Livestrong, I grew up in near Amish Country haha I moved here for my ex whom I broke up with for the commitment phobic. I've been thinking about moving back to PA now that my life appears to be a mess. Yepp, there's a whole other side to my story. Anyway, yesss these people tend to attract soo many of the opposite sex! This guy isn't even all that attractive, but his personality is glowing (at first.) The way they make you feel when you're with them, the way they seem soo into you initially, I believe it's because they're starving for true intimacy that they can never really have. They draw you in like none other.

 

And is that what they do- just like block you out?? That's crazy..it kinda makes sense though. I guess much earlier in their lives they decided the only way to escape pain from the emotional disappointment is to "block it out" or stop expecting from the other person who was hurting them, but they ended up going a little too far because they now can't let anyone else in. They must've mastered this art at a very young age because feelings and not being able to block things out are what keep people like us sad, depressed, but still hoping.

 

I know that they go through cycles, meaning they'll get freaked out in one relationship, and once they feel distance, they'll either come back to you or try it with someone else with whom there are no feelings. But unless they tackle the issue, they will not have anything lasting with anyone. The last time I saw this dude (2 weeks ago,) I snooped in his iPhone while he was sleeping, and I saw soo many flirtatious texts to girls from the past (only one reciprocated)..he was talking to them like he used to talk to me!! And I know one is married, one was his ex from 6 years ago, and the other is a co-worker, I believe. I have NO idea who the other girl was, but I know he hadn't talked to her in ages.. Point being these people don't really want to be alone, but they have to be in relationships where they feel there's distance. It's not an accident that they come on so strongly, they're in desperation mode.

[livestrong23]

Hey tennis-just sent u a pm

[darth_vader]

Hey all. Wow, I can relate to all of your stories on here. For the longest time I've searched for answers on my situation as well. I was in bliss with my girl for 8 months (me 33 her 30). Then all of a sudden, she leaves me for a freshly separated man who was not even divorced yet, 18 years older than her! I just didn't get how can something that felt so right just end??? It just goes against things that should be normal! Anyways, I wanted to share with you all a list on identifying a commitment phob I found on the net that has helped me greatly so we can be armed with the knowledge to weed these people out of the mix next time. Hope this help you all out.

 

P.S. - With regards to others on this post who try and justify a partner who just leaves and behaves in this manner as being normal or just another "form of relationship", then I say that partner is OBLIGATED to let us know their intentions from the beginning. That they don't want a serious relationship. Only fair right? If that is the way commitment phobic people choose to live or as it's been called "another form of relationship", then go find yourself an icy soul that matches yours from the get go. Just my opinion.

 

 

List to Identify a Commitment Phobic Person

 

1. They usually have a history of short relationships which (preserves their phobia) and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman/man, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is "someday".
   
2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
   
3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women/men.
   
4. They are fast to move in on a woman/man they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman/man over.
   
5. They are very charming/interested. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the man’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
   
6. These men/women are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman/man, by not ringing or not wanting to see her/him for days, or not including her/him in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman/man the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
   
7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman/man when they don’t see her/him, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
   
8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
   
9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behavior, and when the woman/man threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
   
10. They tend to treat the woman/man like a mistress/boy toy rather than a real girlfriend/boyfriend.
    
11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women/men and treat her/him as a low priority.
    
12. Commitment phobic men/women often will say they want a relationship, but they won't say they want a "no strings attached" relationship.
    
13. Their behaviors announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
    
14. They often choose women/men who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
    
15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
    
16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
    
17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman’s/man's family or friends.
    
18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
    
19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman/man like a puppet on a string.
    
20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
    
21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman/man shouldn’t meet these people.
    
22. They prefer not to include the woman/man in their weekend or holiday plans.
    
23. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
    
24. Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
    
25. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman/man for why they are acting so bizarrely.
    
26. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman/man for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
    
27. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
    
28. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
    
29. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or worse, exes.
    
30. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
    
31. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
    
32. They often don’t invite women/men to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
    
33. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
    
34. They tend to blame and find fault with the women/men they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.
    
35. They are often unfaithful in relationships (always having an eye out for the next “fresh prospect” to reset the very weak commitment established).
    
36. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman/man.
    
37. They may create distance by having affairs, mentioning another woman’s/man’s name etc.
    
38. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defenses because they don’t want to get too close to a woman/man, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned installments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
    
39. If a man/woman has been married he/she may void putting his/her divorce papers through as he/she can use this as an excuse to keep a woman/man at bay. This helps him/her to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
    
40. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men/women when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the man/woman etc.
    
41. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
    
42. These men/women know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women/men.
    
43. The word “forever” terrifies these men/women. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative damaged belief system about love and relationships.
    
44. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman/man to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
    
45. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
    

How to handle a commitment phobic

 

1. Don’t rush into bed with these types of men/women (or any men/women for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming/interested and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
   
2. Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s/woman’s history and leave him/her as soon as you recognize the behaviors before you get involved and hurt.
   
3. If he/she tends to exclude you from other areas of his/her life the writing is on the wall - beware
   
4. If you get involved before seeing the behaviors, set the pace with this man/woman. Don’t allow him/her to set the pace.
   
5. Act like you don’t need him/her - stay independent and non- wife/husband like.
   
6. Realize your love and attention won’t change him/her but not needing him/her and giving him/her space might (that’s if he/she isn’t a severe case!)
   
7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he/she does, not what he/she says.
   
8. Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men/women are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry, self defeated, and very hurt.
   
9. Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men/women – keep your options open as it is highly likely he/she is not saving himself/herself for you, nor can he/she ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
   
10. Don’t find excuses for his/her behavior.
    
11. Evaluate whether he/she wants to change and whether he/she is capable of changing - some men/women will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
    
12. Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn from it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men/women again. Watch carefully for the behaviors. DON’T be a hero and try to “save” them. Hollywood movies and reality are indeed two different things.
    
13. Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man/woman won’t be there for you when you really need him/her, despite his/her sweet words when he/she is in the mood.
    
14. If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results
    
15. If you are in pain from a comittment phobic relationship you also may need some coaching to move you forward.
    

" For your life to change you must change" - Jim Rohn What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?

 

1. He/She has to admit He/She has a problem.
   
2. He/She has to take responsibility for his/her behaviors toward men/women – that he/she leads them on and he/she behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
   
3. He/She has to want to change.
   
4. He/She has to be prepared to seek help.
   
5. He/She has to look deep within to work out when and how his/her claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.
   
6. He/She will require coaching or cognitive behavioral therapy to change his/her negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.
   
7. He/She needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his/her thinking patterns and behaviors.
   
8. He/She must develop his/her emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).
   
9. If he/she doesn’t want to change his/her behaviors he/she has to be honest and upfront to women/men when he/she first meets them. He/she must tell them he/she does not want a committed relationship, that he/she is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman/man to decide whether he/she wishes to spend time with him/her on those terms.
   

[cece72390]

Livestrong, I know it has been nearly a year since you posted, and I'm so glad I found your story and others that have replied. I am going through an almost IDENTICAL situation, he's come back 3 times, only to tell me the third time he needs "9 days to think, but that the answer wasn't no to us just hanging out/hooking up" and then he ended up saying no in the end! He has flat out told me he sabatoges every relationship in his life, and that I'm the closest thing he's had to a girlfriend (he is 25), but that the thought of being in a relationship makes him lose his mind completely and that he just can't do it. He pushed and pulled for months after he finally won me over. Anyways, what ended up happening for you?