The edge

[stevef20]

Hello everyone,

 

Its the weekend again only this time its much longer. I hate the weekends at the best of times but this one has got me.

 

I love my ex girlfriend very much, she was everything to me and i would have died for her, i think of her everyday and wish that she were still mine.

 

I have fallen to a very deep dark place, i am seeing a councillor and am on anti dep's, nothing is helping.

 

I feel closer to the edge right now than i have ever felt, im dead inside already and so find myself looking over the edge wondering if i have reached that point that defines what i do next?

 

Some people go to that dark place, some dont, what is it that makes the decision ?

[stevef20]

I guess I have my answer

[20pence]

I understand, i HATE weekends since my breakup and the fact that this one is going to last 4 days is awful!!!!!!

 

The only piece of advice i can offer you: Go get a piece of paper now, draw yourself a timetable (hourly) & write something for every hour...for example, 1 hour cleaning, 1 hour watch The Simpsons, 1 hour go to the shops, buy groceries. etc etc..make sure you stick to the hours & by the time you know it quite a few hours are gone!!

 

G x

[LoveHearts21]

This weekend has got me down too I usually love bank holidays but not this one. I am wishing it was Tuesday already then I know he'd be back at work and not spending all day/night in the bars.

 

Are you not seeing your kids this weekend or going for a few drinks with friends?

[stevef20]

No, I've had enough now.

 

Thanks for being a friend.

[O-shen]

Hey mate, dont think like that. I have been watching you over the last few weeks and i know you are hurting bud, and as you know well, i know this feeling very well right now too.

Being an aussie, maybe i am able to do different things. Last night in my little town, i went and saw the band " the butterfly effect" and they were quite good. I had a few drinks, but admit all the people and couples were a bit much. That night i had nightmares of the ex and woke up in a bad way. I had to sit in the shower to get my head together.

Today me and a mate went rockfishing. We took a wrong track and ended up scaling accross 80ft cliffs and through thick bush carring rods and 20kg backpacks for 45mins before we realised we had to turn back. It was extremely dangerous and although i am quite fit, i was sweating hard. But you know what, it made me feel alive. Pushing my body hard, clinging to the edge of huge cliffs, feeling the blood surge through my vains, the sweat running down my face and taking deep breaths of fresh sea air. Eventually we got back and found the right track and begun that epic hike. When we got there, i was onto a good fish almost instantly and landed a 6kg salmon. I landed another before it started to get dark, and my mate laughed as i could barely lift my pack with the added fish, let alone hike the cliffs back. But i was determined to do it and i did. It hurt like hell, but i got a sense of worth knowing i just did something alot of people cant do.

 

My advice to you would be to follow the same lines. Do something you are good at, and push the boundries. You will find the anger and sadness you have inside will be converted into energy to really push your self.

 

The last time my ex broke up with me, i too was in a dark place. I almost lost all hope, but suddenly decided i was going to build myself a bed. I drew this bed on a piece of paper, a big queen sized 4 poster bed with black leather and curtains, the Works. I put all my pain into making this bed from scratch. I worked out all the measure ments and bought all the raw materials. I worked all the wood by hand, and also stained it. I upolstered all the bed head, the sides and the end. I even sewed the curtains which enclosed the bed myself. I actually had to build the thing inside the room, because it is that big.

Every day when i finished work, i just went hard on my bed until i was stuffed. I didn't think of my ex much at all the whole time, i was to busy working on my project. Amazingly, it only took me 1 week to build. I added shelves, chrome supports and even a big flat screen tv. To say people were supried would be an understatement. I have had more than one person offer me $2000 to build them one, but quite honestly, i dont know if i could reach that level of determination again. I am laying in it right now, and it always brings a sense of proudness, knowing i built it all myself.

 

What i am trying to say steve, is sometimes, there is no-one there to save us. We have to save ourselves. Generally you just need that something that will give you that boost to move forward, and once you are moving it is easier to continue moving. It's the getting started, which is the hard part. Different people will do different things. I have told you a couple of things i have done that worked for me, to give you an idea.

My advice would be to look at what you are good at and go with that. If you are fit, go for a massive hike and push your limits, climb a mountain. If your not bad at say art, paint a massive painting. Build a pond or water feature in your yard.

Whatever it is, go all out on it, and you will find yourself immersed in it. And by the end, it will bring you joy, and guess what...................................your moving................forward.

[stevef20]

I'm pleased for you o'shen. Well done mate.

[LoveHearts21]

Steve, don't spend all weekend alone, it won't make you feel any better.

 

I haven't got no one around this weekend so it's really going to hit me hard again. My family are away for 2 weeks and my closest friends are out with their kids on days out.

 

It's times like this I wish I had my own little family to help ease the pain and take my mind off things. Your kids should be your first priority and I'm sure they could help put a smile back on your face. Arrange to spend some time with them this weekend and visit your friends and family.

 

I know it's hard to pick yourself up and do things you enjoy when we are going through this pain but you need to push yourself, you'll feel better for it. If you aren't going to help yourself then no one else can.

[lozzy1980]

i am struggling today ...it is because it is the bank holiday. it is so sunny outside as well. i dreamt about my ex last night we were on holiday.. felt sick to wake up... well only woke up an hour and half ago ive lost my va va voom. so yes.,. usually for easter i go away with him. arrrghh

 

i am not dwelling too much longer i have ANOTHER 2500 word essay to do and i guess got to do it. but got that horrid anxiety in my stomach.. about the future more than anything. strange how one dream..well, nightmare, just sets me right back.

 

i can see though steve you are hurting very bad and nothing has really lifted your spirits at all, there is no more advice we can give other than just let it out how you feeling and keep going the counselling for now. were you in a dark place before the relationship? i ask this because it might be that your partner helped fill some void? now she has gone again that void has come back? some of us really struggle being on our own, but we need to get comfortable being on our own and we need to be able to have something inside us that picks us up ourselves. i have learnt this week i cannot rely on others to do it for me- was thinking my friends are they answer, they are not the whole answer, yes they are fun to be around but they too have issues and cannot be there for me 24/7. So must save ourselves as o-shen said. still... i am going to wallow a little while longer, but tomorrow is a new start new day, i have promised myself i am going to do something positive tomorrow and pick myself up!

[stevef20]

You're right lozzy,

 

I don't think there is anymore that can be said. X

[endy]

You're right lozzy,

 

I don't think there is anymore that can be said. X

 

Let it all out today steve. Everything, all your emotions. Let it all out and accept it. IT will get better in time. When you feel like this let it all out. Buy some books by Thich Nhat Hanh. Try true love. Start reading them. Start meditating, learn how to deal with all of this. Let your conscious mind start dealing with your subconcious mind. You need to start loving yourself. You have a lot more than just a relationship to deal with. You can handle it and you will handle it. Knuckle up and start fighting it. You're strong enough to do it bud.

[stevef20]

I'm not though endy, I've just had a long talk with mum and told her I've had enough, she got really upset and begged me not to do anything silly

 

Thanks though, you've been a rock.

[raims]

Steve, I know you are hurting right now, I wanted you to know that you are not the only one going through this hell. I too sometimes just want all this to end even when I try to show others I'm strong. She was my world just like your ex. But then there will be better days. Weekends are the hardest, especially after having a dream about your ex. You're gonna get through this, it will get better!

[catfeeder]

I'm not though endy, I've just had a long talk with mum and told her I've had enough, she got really upset and begged me not to do anything silly [...]

 

Why would you do that to your poor Mom? It isn't as though she caused this or can do anything about it. Now she's suffering, and what is that supposed to accomplish?

 

I'd flip the switch on that, phone her, and make the conversation about comforting her instead of pulling the kind of temper tantrum that only harms her for zero payoff.

 

Here's the thing about the darkness; it feels lousy as hell when you're in it, but when you make it through, you'll come out the other side with a new confidence because you've won.

 

Courage.

[samm14]

Steve,

I know you are hurting and that is only exemplified by the holiday - and I know that there really isn't anything that we can say that will make it better. You just have to take it day by day - even hour by hour....find something to keep yourself busy - I know it seems like such a difficult thing right now but it really does work.

I am grateful to be working this week-end.....it is the first holiday since our split and I am having a tough time too. Tomorrow will be the touchest - my kids are going with the ex to his family's for Easter dinner and I am home alone....I am thinking about seeing a movie with some friends just to keep my mind busy. The beauty of the mind is that you can't think about more than one thing at time

[imonlyhuman]

get outside. hang out with friends, and DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER with them. just get out there and do stuff. maybe hang with the parents. i feel like as we grow up, we sort of lose track that our parents are also super important people in our lives and we stop spending time with them. we start to take them for granted, but they NEVER leave us, they are always there and love us unconditionally, and with them, i think its ok to talk about her if youd like. or talk about how theyre doing.

[endy]

I'm not though endy, I've just had a long talk with mum and told her I've had enough, she got really upset and begged me not to do anything silly

 

Thanks though, you've been a rock.

 

You are man, you are a rock. You just gotta find it deep where it's hiding. It can get dark as hell there, but there's always a speck of light down there. Remember that.

[hurtgurl]

I hope you are ok Steve! x

Don't go anywhere

[Lostmylove05]

Steve - I don't know where your original post is with your story but as for this one you started and how you're feeling....I'm in that same dark place as you. I don't know if you read my story but it's a pretty awful one that keeps getting worse. I have those same despondent, desperate feelings. The ONLY thing keeping me going right now is hoping. Hoping to somehow have him back in my life. I know everyone says I should be working on myself to take a step back and pull myself out, but like you, I've tried and it seems each minute gets harder. I too, feel like ending it all and the only thing that's kept me from not is hoping and knowing also what it would do to my father right now (who I'm staying with) who's watching me go through this pain and feeling it with me. I know if I did something to myself that he would be destroyed. It's unfair how things like this don't just affect us but also our family and friends. And WE are supposed to be the ones to heal ourselves and get better....when our ex's are the one's who did this to us and put us in this state.

 

I feel so much for you and where you're at...you aren't alone at all, I promise. I know we both feel like we are but we aren't.

 

hugs

[twitchyfingers]

OK, steve, this is me grabbing you by the ears and giving you a good shake.

 

Listen up:

 

NO ONE IS WORTH ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER.

 

No one.

 

I don't care if your ex was friggin' Lady Di returned from the grave with the cure for cancer in her handbag...she's not worth all this suffering.

 

If you are feeling suicidal, trust me, you aren't thinking clearly. You're talking about a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem. If you need to, check yourself into hospital and have them crank up the treatment plan to stabilize you. Don't rely on messageboards or even your mum if you get that low.

 

I've been where you are. It was the hardest time of my life. I had to call in a LOT of help to eventually work my way out of it. But I'm soooooooo glad I didn't take The Big Dirt Nap over some dopey guy. Stick around, and you'll be glad, too, someday. Money back guarantee on that one.

 

Till then, your job is to rebuild your life, piece by piece, to be the kind of life YOU will love, whether another person is in it or not. Don't know how, or don't have the motivation? ASK FOR MORE HELP from real people in real-time. If you're severely depressed, it's not a matter of manning-up or just getting over it. Be straight with your doc and say, "Listen, damnit, this isn't working, we need to do something else."

 

Fight fight fight.

 

You know I'm on your side, steve. So is everyone else here.

[stevef20]

Thanks everyone,

 

soryy ive not been back here until now but got to a real bad place and didnt want to burden you guys anymore with my tails of woe. x

[lozzy1980]

dont talk daft steve, u r not burdening anyone here! we all know how horrible, painful and lonely it can be ... this is the only place i can come and let it all out and i am sure same for many of us. how r now?? x x

[lozzy1980]

wow..just seen your new thread 'against all odds', really really pleased for you there will still be highs and lows as i am sure u know, and still come here even at them lowest points ,never ever feel like a burden, u are truly an amazing person x x x

[stevef20]

Thanks Lozzy, that is a lovely thing for you to say, its true of course, lol x

[endy]

Thanks Lozzy, that is a lovely thing for you to say, its true of course, lol x

 

Steve, I am happy to see you back here. I told you, you are strong enough to grab onto that first rung on the ladder. Imagine how much stronger you're gonna be when you make it all the way up it. Long journey bud, but you will be alright!