Same old reduntant story

[wydomakre]

I am 22 years old and have been dating the same girl for the past 3 years. We had a very special relationship for the first 2 and a half years but recently it went down hill. She broke it off with me about two weeks ago and I was completely devestated.

For the past 8 or 9 months I had been neglecting our relationship and it became just a routine. I didn't do the special things that I did in the past, became more lazy about things and just drove her out of love with me. Its really hard because I know that it was my fault for this and if I would of changed earlier I know that we would still be together. She says she is ready to move on, and I don't blame her. Now looking back I see how I was a jerk and didn't care for her like she deserves. I miss her in my life tremendously, and its not becuase I am lonely or need a companion, its because I truly thought she was my soul mate, I sincerly thought that we were meant to be. I did take the begging route these past few days in trying everything just to let her know that I can change to the man she fell in love with. I just want to show her that I can change and love her completely and unconditionally. I respect her decision and I do understand what she is going through, but I can't sit here idle and think that things will be reconciled. I just love her too much. I have had so much trouble even contemplating moving on right now. She means everything to me and I would truly appreciate any advice on how to help our love blossom again. At one time she wanted to marry me now she wants nothing to do with me. Thankyou

[RayKay]

For some reason your story tugged at my heart

 

Welcome to the forums, and know that there are many of us here who know what you are going through (me included!).

 

Clearly, you know where your mistakes were already - both in the relationship, and afterwards (pleading, etc). You will get some different advice on here (some advising no contact, some minimal contact, etc) and much of it will depend on your own strength. Since you know where you went wrong, best thing is to show through actions that you know this, and that you have changed. This might take a long time though, and require a lot of patience - you cannot tell her you changed, she has to see it, and while it might be obvious to you that you are ready to change she has spent many months disconnecting from you emotionally and will have barriers up against seeing this!

 

Give her lots of space, do not beg, plead or talk of the relationship with her. Be the guy she fell for in the first place, but also "move on" - don't lock the door to reconciliation, but be independent. Show that you don't need her - you want her, but you are also ready to move on. DON'T be needy or clingy, jealous, etc. However, show that you can meet her needs (once you figure out what they really are) - don't tell her, show her.

 

As I said, most of all, you are going to need patience. All these months she has become emotionally guarded and distant, and it will take time to both let down those barriers (she will have up now in order to prevent reconciling right away) and then time to open her heart again.

 

There are no guarantees, but it can be done. Best of luck to you

[wydomakre]

I appreciate your advice and see how this isn't a thing that will happen overnight. I just wish it would, becuase I will be her prince charming.

[cruuk]

My friend, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The same thing happened to me a month ago, except all I got was a phonecall from 10,000 miles away.

 

Anyways, RayKay has it right. There is no way you can tell her what you've done to change herself.. she won't believe you or even listen to you. She has to see it for herself.

 

I know you are thinking that if you don't say something she won't know how you feel about the whole situation, but believe me she does, whether she admits it or not.

 

If opportunities to be around her come up, take them. Take them and be the person you know you are.. the one she fell in love with. Under no circumstances bring up anything to do with the relationship, she has to be the one to do that.

 

Its hard as hell but it works. I had no way to contact my ex at all so I've talked to her twice in the last 3 weeks.. very painful to go from best friends to not talking. Anyway she called me yesterday and things seem MUCH better.

 

Hang in there and vent on here whenever you need to.

[Jyebo]

wydomakre

 

You're story is distrubingly similar to mine. My girlfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I turned 23 2 weeks ago, she is 25 next month.

 

My girlfriend also felt as though our relationship had become too routine and stagnant. I too blame myself, as i didn't do the things with her that we used to when we first dated. She tried to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but I feel as though i could have done some things to prevent this from occurring, if only we had communicated better about it before she decided to break up. I did know when we were dating that things were at times a little boring and not as spontaneous, but we're both at uni and both working weekend jobs, which i felt was the reason. I used to think to myself that when we both finish uni (she finishes this year and i the next) that things would improve and be fun again, but obviously she couldn't see this.

 

I have had very minimal contact with her since the breakup. At first i sent her a few messages saying that I felt as though we could work through this and fix it and that I was willing to try anything in order to stay together. I also rang her and told her that i had decided that i wanted to wait for her, and that i would give her as much time as she needed. We went out for a drink about 10days after the breakup, obviously both still being very upset, i was struggling to hold back the tears as i asked her a few things which were playing on my mind such as "is there someone else" "do you think you've made the right decision" what exactly went wrong?". She basically told me what your girlfriend told you and said that she had it in her head that things couldn't be fixed, so she couldn't see us trying.

 

That was 2 weeks ago, since then we have met up on one other occasion for lunch, i couldn't eat and i was still pretty upset, so i wasn't real talkative, confident or fun to be around, so we made it short.

 

I messaged her later that night apologising for being a bit of a loser, and that it was still too early for me to act like we were just friends. I also told her that i thought her reasons were weak and that if she loved me like she said she did, she would have tried to sort it out.

 

That was 5 days ago, she hasn't responded.. so i don't know what is going on.. We're both going to a mutual friends party on tuesday night.. so i'm thinking thats going to be my best opportunity to get back to the person i was when we began dating and try and make her see what she has left..

 

So.. i guess i'll keep you updated, i'd like to hear how you go also.

 

Jyebo