5 Weeks -I Don't Quite Know What is Happening - But Looks Like I've been Dumped

[Silverbirch]

I feel pretty stoopid. I'm female, a young 52, and think I must be a dope when it comes to men. 5 weeks ago, I'd say I got dumped by my partner of years. I feel stunned and have grieved badly. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man and that I had met my soulmate, loved him very deeply and thought he loved me.

 

I'm not saying that the relationship was perfect. There had been a lot of stress put on the relationship due to the very bitter relationship he has with his ex-wife and the effect this has had on their two children, aged 17 and 19. About a year ago, he became completely estranged from his 17 year old daughter, and he was heartbroken about this and things she has said and done. I think that my ex and the mother of his children have both used their children to get at each other even though neither of them would admit it even to themselves. He recently found out about something extremely hateful that his ex-wife and daughter said about him, and I saw and felt a change in him. There were other things going on in his life too. He had to abandon his pHd after spending several years on this thesis, has lots of money and health problems. The thing is - I loved him and accepted all of that.

 

Anyway, 5 weeks ago, I knew he was very unhappy and asked him if he would speak to me about it. That's when he dropped the bombshell. He told me firstly that it wasn't that he was unhappy with me, it was those things in his life. Then in the next sentence, he said we should have time apart, then he didn't know if I was right for him and that he really didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me so he wanted "to think things out objectively about any future of the relationship with time apart." He also gave me a long list of my defects. Says there is more, but this will do for now. He wanted me to go to dinner with him for his birthday as that had been pre-planned. (He has just turned 50). Said his other friends all let him down. I went, but couldn't bring myself to go to the family birthday party. He has had brief contact with me since then, and each time, I've come away feeling very badly.

 

I have found his behaviour quite outrageous. I struggle to believe this is all happening. I had brief contact with his sister just prior to the family birthday. I told her very briefly that he had wanted time apart. Her response was that he hadn't told her, and that was a very personal matter between him and me. Said she has to be very careful around him due to him calling her "the family organiser" in a manner not meant as a compliment., that she knows he has been depressed about his children.

 

I still have texts from a couple of weeks before this from him telling me he loved and adored me.

 

The worst part of this is that around 5 years ago, something very similar to this happened with another man I had been with for 10 years. In each case, it has happened just before the man turned 50. In the earlier case, it turned out there were other women. My self-esteem took a real battering from that. I just thought this man I had most recently been with was different and that what we had was real and meaningful.

 

I'm going to go home and stay with my mum for a week in the next month.

 

Sorry about such a long post. This is my first post here and I guess I'm just blubbering on.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch and welcome to the forum! (I really like your user name. It reminds me of those concise poem contests.)

 

Firstly, I would like to say that I am so very sorry that you are so hurt and dismayed. It is clear how taken aback and wounded you are from your words, and I hate that you are going through this (‘going through’ being the operative words. You will come out on the other side of this, stronger and happier once more, and I ardently hope this happens sooner rather than later).

 

Secondly, here is my handful of cents on what you have written. You captured this man’s behavior absolutely perfectly: “I have found his behaviour quite outrageous.” It is outrageous, and that word is more than an apt description. It is also something of an explanation, I think, albeit not the most elucidating or satisfying, I realize. He is acting outrageous, and as a result, you cannot fully follow whatever is currently passing for logic for this man. Do everything you can to ensure you are not working in collusion with his poor conduct and turning his irrational chiding and carping inward.

 

I do not think you will be able to fully grasp what he is doing or thinking because I do not think he knows. It sounds to me as though he is miserable and his response to the misery at this point is to spread it around. Either deliberately or subconsciously (and he is not absolved for this exceedingly heartless, poor showing if it is the latter, in my estimation), he is making himself feel better by assigning blame to you, and ensuring you feel worse.

 

How dare he attempt to take your personal inventory in the most negative, purposefully unkind manner, and rattle off some laundry-list of self-assessed faults to you! I find this not only to be unnecessarily harsh and hurtful, but telling, as well. He cannot control the situation with his ex-wife or his children, so instead he veers toward the nearest victim and runs you down, instead.

 

I realize this will sound the very essence of easier-said-than-done, but I strongly urge you to not consider his callous catalog of your ‘faults;’ it would be akin to feeling there was something wrong with you for trying to rescue a drowning victim when that victim begins to panic and flail, and implausibly strike out and struggle against the person who has come to save them, as drowning victims are known to do.

 

This is what he is doing, from what I gather – drowning in his own unhappiness and guilt, deserved or not, either smarting from being disappointed by his friends abandoning him (or perhaps this is more re-writing of history from him, and he actually drove them off), or turning fifty, or both, in addition to the stress and strife of the situation with the ex-wife and their children, and instead of clinging gratefully and appreciatively, as he should, given how supportive and stalwart you sound in the face of his floundering, he is scared and striking out at you.

 

Clearly, you are not his only target, given what you relate about the conversation with his sister. I am not blaming her response to you – I can appreciate her attitude in several ways, but I do believe that if he has many people in his life who take the approach she did, whatever their good intentions, this may inadvertently encourage him to continue to behave so outrageously, as people continue to condone it. Again, I am not faulting his sister, specifically, however I do think it may be indicative of his receiving effectively positive reinforcement for his bad behavior, and that positive reinforcement inspiring, or at the very least, not deterring him from wallowing in that poor conduct.

 

Your words paint a picture to me of a woman who is reasonable, fair and sincere. You do not place all the blame on this man, nor do you sound gratuitously critical or at all malicious. You strike me as being sincerely perplexed and forlorn, and I so wish I had more illuminating, substantial theories to offer you, but I believe there are none (and if there were, you would have already discerned them for yourself. You are clearly an intelligent and insightful person.), and this is what is unfortunately compounding your dismay. You want so much to understand why this is happening and what you might do about it, but I do not believe there are any such answers – or at least no useful ones.

 

He is unhappy. Whether or not this is a circumstance born of his own past behavior, he is drowning in his discontent. I have no doubt that you have lovingly thrown yourself into treacherous waters time and again and swum out to save him, but he is repaying your compassion and support by lashing out at you, now. Silly, senseless and cruel, but not a response I believe he will change, sadly.

 

I can understand why you would look inwardly for answers when you are reflecting over and analyzing this relationship, as well as the previous one you mention, but I stoutly suggest to you that though two such incidents must be extremely painful and disheartening, they are in no way revealing of some inherent issue with you as a person or a partner. This is cold comfort, I know, but I have remarkable, profoundly pleasing friends that have experienced bad, and I mean bad break-ups, through no fault of their own, save for picking the wrong person to graciously allow in their hearts and lives. Many, many more times than twice, trust. I do not think the problem lies with who you are as a person. You sound generous, compassionate, thoughtful and loving. Sometimes, and for reasons that are never clear, that is just not enough.

 

My gentle advice to you at this point is that you cease torturing yourself in any and all fashion. That torture can range from trying to understand this man’s motives to dignifying his groundless disparagement of you by dwelling on it, to allowing him to benefit even a moment more from your gracious, caring spirit, such as your extremely kind gesture of attending his birthday party. Unless and until his behavior warrants your benevolence and consideration, I fear he will simply continue to cherry-pick the parts of this relationship he enjoys, commanding your attention and attendance to validate him, without showing you the respect and kindness you deserve in turn. And worse, I think this sort of interaction risks keeping you stuck in a quagmire of self-doubt and agony over his selfish actions and uncalled-for cruelty.

 

Make this moment on dedicated solely to you, and your regrouping, recovery and healing. Surround yourself with the people, places and undertakings that comfort you. I think it is a grand idea to go to your mum’s for a bit. In the intervening time before that visit, cleave to your friends and immerse yourself in any and all activities you find even remotely engaging. Renew old or pursue new hobbies, exercise, spoil and pamper yourself, be frivolous and fun-loving with your friends – anything you can do to put a happy, healthy focus on yourself.

 

It will not always work to take your mind off of this unexpected, unfair and dismal situation, and that is completely understandable. Be prepared for those moments, and do what you can to guard against them taking over your life, and holding you down, keeping you back from progress. Acknowledge them, grieve if you need to, but then firmly usher them right back out of your day, and resume seeking pleasure and fulfillment for you, and you alone, right now.

 

Cherish yourself. You do deserve such, even if this man is too short-sighted and foolish to know it, as well. Do not subscribe to his perspective about you. Do not let him pull you under with him. You can do this. You are worthy of happiness and pure, unadulterated joy. Leave him to his flailing. You have done all you can to help him, and he has repaid you with unkindness and misery. Save yourself now.

 

We are here for you, and we are rooting for you! Never worry about coming onto the board to empty your heart or head in a post – that is what we and the board, at large, are for, after all (and you are neither the first to do so, nor will you be the last – so have at it!).

 

I wish you the absolute best of luck in this and all things. Take great care.

 

Wager

[zaza34]

Men are going crazy around age 50... They just have to do something, have to change something in their lives while they can, probably they don t want to live with regrets later... Those married guys want to have an affair, those divorced want to fix things with their ex and family, especially when they have children... I guess it seems selfish but understandable... You did nothing wrong!!! This has nothing to do with you, with your relatiosnhip... A man just has to do, when a man has to do... I would leave him alone, I know it is painful for you, with all the effort invested in this relationship, but he has to figure out what he wants, how he wants to handle things, you really can t help him right now... But, you can help yourself! By taking care, by keeping yourself busy and happy even without him... Just give time, to him, to you, but meanwhile try to live your life, he might come back, but if he doesn t just don t feel sorry about, be prepared for everything, even to be happy with somebody else... I think at some point we just have to learn to take and accep things as they are, without asking so many questions, without keep torturing ourselves, there are lot of things we can do with our love and energy, so why waste it on something useless?

[Silverbirch]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. They are very helpful. I have to get ready to go to work right now, but be back later. I so appreciate the time you have taken. I hope you both have a good day.

[Silverbirch]

I've had to work long hours these last few days, and apologise for not thanking you both as much as I would have liked.

 

Thank you very, very much Wager for thinking about my post so well and your reply has certainly helped me feel more grounded and wanting to move on with the rest of my life.

 

Oh yes Zaza, I think you are right about a lot.

 

* * * *

 

I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but around 10 days after being dumped, I ran into an old female friend in the street. She told me that another good friend of ours - the 3 of us have known each other 20 years - was dying from lymphoma. I got myself to the hospital the next day and was able to spend time with her, and even gave her foot massages with some lavender oil which she said really helped her a lot. Every visitor who came, the first thing she would say was "I love you", and she would say it again when each of us left. She passed away a bit more than a week ago, and the funeral was on Thursday. She was way too good and young to die. Compared to her death, my bust-up with this man who I believe now just used me, is really not worth the pain and wasting of my time on earth. I saw quite a few women there who I used to be good friends with and they were all amazing to each other. My friend who passed away, organised for something really lovely to be read at her funeral. I've read it over and over, and will post it here. It's very relevant to relationships.

 

With my friends illness and death, I realised something about myself which is not nice. I have been a shabby friend to my female friends. Each of the 2 times a man came into my life, without intending to, bit by bit, I saw less of them. Without me intending to do so, the man's life became more important than mine. In the last relationship, I used to meet up with these women every week, and on that night, he asked me to look after his children while he worked, saying he would be home in time for me to go and meet up with my friends at a spiritual/philosophy study group. Well, of course, he always came home late, and my study group went by the by. Funny that, he thought I was the perfect woman for me while his children were growing up and he needed someone to care for them and take them to doctors while he worked and also wrote his thesis. I could say more, but I would only appear bitter like him and his ex-wife, and I don't know that it would help me to feel better. More importantly, my friends have all been glad to see me again, and accepting and forgiving of my absence.

 

I hope I can be a better person from this. I aim now to be a better friend, daughter, sister, mother. Never, ever again, will a relationship with a man - if I EVER decide to have one again - get in the way of my other relationships.

 

Even though I have had crying still - mostly when I am in my car - I think I'm getting better. I think I'm coming out of the fog of denial, and actually wanting to be moving on with my life. These last couple of weeks, even though I've tried my best, my home and my car have gotten very messy and unorganised. At least I've fed, and spent some time with my mini zoo of pets.

 

I've done a small thing also which I'm enjoying and I'm feeling good from it. I'm re-decorating my bedroom! I haven't spent LOTS of money, but I'm decorating it all in my very own taste. I've also bought a feather down doona and the loveliest cover and pillow cases, some lamps and bits and pieces. I've been meaning to do some decorating for sometime, but been too busy.

 

I've decided that I'm going to make my home really cosy, and maybe entertain close friends at home more.

 

I've also contacted another group of women friends and we are hoping to organise a lunch or dinner to catch up. One of the women went overseas for a while, another had a child, and another besides me also had a big bust-up, but now with somebody else. Might sound silly, but when I used to meet with them, they reminded me of "Sex in the City" - sharing of laughter, naughtiness, tears, highs and lows. It will be so good to catch up. I am now going to be positive.

[Silverbirch]

(From My Beautiful Friend Helen)

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.



When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.



 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.



 

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end......

Sometimes they die.... Sometimes they walk away.... Sometimes they act up and force you to take stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.


 

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season .



 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.



 

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch! I was thinking about you over the weekend, and wondering how you were faring.

 

I am ever so sorry to read about your friend. What a terrible and tragic loss! Your writing about her is beautiful and thanks to your elegant and thoughtful words, now even more people will think of her and learn a little bit about what a special soul she was, as well as hopefully take away from your comforting essay some respite in their own grief.

 

I am gladdened to see you are working to move forward with your life in such a healthy and productive fashion. Good on you! I would offer the suggestion that you consider a journal or a blog (people frequently use the features on this forum to make a live blog, if that appeals to you), as you are obviously a terrific writer and a cerebral person, and the process of working out your thoughts on -paper-, as it were, might not only aid in your recovery and healing, but allow other people to benefit from your ideas and experiences, as well. But, of course, it is a very personal process, and doing it publicly simply does not work for some, which is completely understandable.

 

I am proud of the efforts you are making to live your life to its fullest, and to focus attention on what really matters to you in the grand scheme of things, to incorporate friends and family more actively in your sphere and to award them more of your energy and attention. I believe it is a clever and useful approach in self-healing, as well, for when you are at a loss as to help yourself, helping someone else even to a small degree can work wonders in healing the self in the process. I realize that is not your motivation, but I certainly hope you reap wondrous rewards for your kindness to others.

 

I am rooting for you solidly, Silverbirch! However you decide to move forward (in terms of staying on touch on the board), I wish you tremendous success in every endeavor. You are welcome to contact me by private message if ever I can be of assistance, or just to let me know how you are doing, as I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best! Take care and be well.

 

Wager

[Silverbirch]

Thank you so much Wager. Your kind replies have meant a lot to me and helped me tremendously. Thank you also for your compliments. I find your own writing very eloquent and dignified. The idea of writing a blog does appeal to me so thank you for suggesting it. There are a couple of other peoples writings I do find wisdom and comfort from, and it would very likely help me and hopefully others if I were to actively seek them out and reproduce on a blog or post. I would also like very much to stay in contact with you and contact you privately so another THANK YOU for that invitation - and the same goes here. Please message or email me anytime. I do plan to stay here for a while at least.

 

I have what might seem a very peculiar question. My ex has a lovely old dog. She is a border collie who was the family dog, and she now lives with him. As with the children, he and his ex-wife even used the dog to get back at each other. Anyway, this dog just LOVED me, and I miss her a lot. She has arthritis, and sadly due to my ex not taking her for walks, spends most of her days indoors.

 

A little over a year ago, I moved out of the ex's home as he was having major issues with his daughter. I thought that if I moved, their relationship might improve. However, the opposite happened. Things came to a head between them in less than 3 months, and he told her she would have to go and live with her mother exclusively (she hasn't spoken to him since).

 

Anyway, I found a place to live on a property outside of the city and brought my horses and other furry companions with me. Sometimes I would bring my ex's border collie out here with me to stay. When she is here with me, she is like a much younger dog. She would be probably the most intelligent dog I have ever known. When I say to her: "Come on, we have work to do", I am sure she understands. She gives an excited bark, and then follows, keeping me company while I complete some task in the paddock.

 

I am missing her very much, and as I am not working this weekend, am thinking I would like to have her here with me for a day and night. My ex did suggest it last time I saw him so I think he would be likely willing for me to take her. I could likely swing it with very little contact with him, and know that I would like to do this for me, the dog, and my own dog who loves her to bits - certainly not to see my ex. Even if I do see him, now that the fog is well and truly lifting, I believe common sense will prevail, and I'll likely see him in a much different light to as I saw him while I was with him.

 

I'm very likely going to do this anyway, but do you think this is unwise. I don't think this dog has a lot of time left in her and she is just a loyal and loving pet, I'd like to enjoy what time I might have with her which is what I should have done with my female friends. What do you think? Thank you again.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch! I continue to be impressed by your enormous capacity for compassion and concern for others. Here is my best advice: It is totally up to you what to do, at this point.

 

That likely sounds like no kind of advice, at all, but I thought long and hard about your question, and here is my reasoning:

 

I am a biased dog person (and animal lover, in general) and I completely understand the desire to remain in contact with a beloved companion, regardless if that creature is two-legged or four. If we were discussing a child, no one would likely blink an eye about staying in her life after having been such a profound part of it and grown to love and cherish her, regardless if it meant having to deal with even an ogre of an ex to do so.

 

I have no doubt that she is exceedingly close to and enamored of you. Collies, especially, in my experience, are appreciative of people who give them a chance to be useful, whether or not that involves an actual job, like keeping scatty sheep in line, or simply being there to receive a pat and smile. Collies just aren’t themselves if there is not a task to excel at.

 

I also have no doubt that you have lovingly provided her every opportunity to feel useful and wanted and that she blossoms and revels in your thoughtful attention and delights to her very core at pleasing you and earning your praise.

 

Which is, in fact, where the free-reigning choice comes in to play for you. I would bet you have done everything in your power to make her feel valuable and helpful, and these gifts, especially to a Collie, are incalculably precious. There is no chance she would forget how you made her feel, or take anything less than inestimable pleasure at the memory of serving you well. I am sure that even the sound of your voice, the scent of your skin, makes her wag her beautiful plume of a tail in sheer, unadulterated love and joy.

 

So, at this time, if seeing and interacting with your ex is just too painful or discomfiting, I do not think your pup will feel unhappy or abandoned, for Collies are particularly skilled at remembering history and lessons learned from the past. She surely knows how happy she made you and how important a role she has played in your life (and that of your other dog, as well – Collies always seem so very discerning to me about whom they pick to adore. They seem to choose the objects of their affection with a great deal of thought and taste.), and if the circumstances make interaction difficult for the two of you now, I truly believe she has the capacity to understand this in a way that makes sense to her, and not feel deserted.

 

In other words, I do not think she would take it personally. I think she would boil it down to a matter of you not having a job for her right now, but know she is well-loved by you and has served you well, and what better conclusion can there be for a Collie?

 

This is why I return the proposal to you, with this question – are you ready and able to be in contact with your ex, even to a very limited and specific degree? If you genuinely feel you can manage this without cost to your heart or your recovery, I think you should do it.

 

However, if you do not feel quite yet ready or prepared, then I think you should wait. I do not think this will cause any adverse reactions or provoke any negative emotions in your pup, for I sincerely believe she has every ability to recall with pleasure and pride the experiences the two of you shared, and be genuinely happy in those recollections.

 

This is not to say that she does not miss you and yearn for you, for what well-loved dog does not wish the constant company of her mistress? This is only to say I do not think she will pine despondently because Collies are usually far more pragmatic than that, and have a clear appreciation for the jobs they have done and how well they have performed at those jobs. If you do not go back for her at this time, I think she will assume you do not have a job for her at the moment, essentially. But I do not believe it will intrude on the bond you two share, or her contentment in your history and what you mean to her, or she to you.

 

I am afraid this will sound like no help at all, but what I am trying to say is that I do not believe you can go wrong here, whatever you decide. If you feel you can have contact with your ex in order to see your furry friend, and it does not work out as you hope or expect, you can always withdraw at that time. If you do not feel able to deal with him just yet, then I think you will not do your girl any disservice to wait, even if you are not able to see her until her all-too-short time here has sadly passed. It matters what you have done in your shared history and how you have treated her, and I truly think this will be the feeling she has for you – a well-earned and long-standing doting and devoted relationship that can stand on its own merits and weather even a long-term separation, because of the time and effort you invested prior.

 

I am sorry you have to struggle with such a decision, at all. One never appreciates all of the collateral damage of a dissolved romantic relationship until one is faced with the fallout. I wish you the very, very best of luck with this and all things, no matter which way you lean.

 

I am delighted for you (and selfishly for me to follow it, as well!) that you are considering writing in a blog here and I do think your story will be beneficial to other people going through similar situations. You have a keen insight to the motivations and thought processes of yourself and others involved that I think will be especially advantageous to your readers, but more importantly for yourself to see spelled out on ‘paper,’ or at least this is my hope.

 

Your settings do not permit me to private message you (which is fine, I am not suggesting you change them), but you are welcome to private message me any time you like, and I will respond with my email address, should you ever need something when I am not on the forum. Thank you so very much for your kind words about my input! I am interested in helping in any way I can, and your compliments were ever so nice!

 

Again, I wish you the very best and I hope that you feel confident and at peace with whatever you decide to do about your other pup – I really do not think you can make a wrong decision with this. Take great care!

 

Wager

[Silverbirch]

Hi Wager,

Firstly, I tried to message you this morning, but couldn't find where to access the messaging so I'll go back and look into the settings.

 

Thanks for your advice. When I really think it out, despite the fact that I'm missing her (the border collie) a lot, I'm not ready for ANY contact involving the ex. I will wait for some time, and am committed to absolute NC for at least one month. Nice to meet up with another four-legged lover. I have a dog, 2 cats and 2 ponies who give me great joy, companionship and love.

 

Originally, I had very LC, and this mostly was related to some of my property which is still in his home. When we last spoke, I put on hold taking any more of it away from his home. It is too distressing for me right now, but I just told him that with my pending interstate trip and things I need to do, I would prefer to wait until I came back. He suggested that at some point, he could bring it to my home and that it would be 4 car loads. He did give me various options, and it was me who had said I should take all of my things so he hasn't been nasty about it. It's definitely something I will have to do at some point.

 

I almost made it through yesterday without crying, but then last night on my way home from work, I had a good cry. I'm fairly certain this is because usually I would either see him after work, stay the night or at least we would telephone each other. Also, the music on the radio or my current CD collection makes me teary. I'll go through my CD collection today and pull out some dance music. Trying to think out some other things I can do to fill the void left at that time of the evening I used to spend with him.

 

Embarrassingly, I woke up this morning, wishing I was with him and that all was like it was in our much happier times. Fairly certain I dreamed about him. I can definitely distinguish the difference between my heart and head talking to me and try and step back a bit when the head talk starts. So this morning, it was my heart.

 

I'm going to read and think out what Budhism says about unhealthy attachments. This morning, I'm aware of still having an attachment to him, and also that attachment is not something which is healthy for me as a person. I think I might also benefit from the Budhist principles of "letting go" and "letting people go on their own journey".

 

I'll try and work out how to mail you Wager, and introduce myself to you. Thanks again for caring. Hope you have a good day.

[Wager]

Hello, Silverbirch!

 

I absolutely support your decision to wait at this time on engaging in any plans that will necessitate you having more contact with your ex. I think you are doing wholly the right thing to evaluate your thoughts and feelings and attempt to gauge how much such contact will impact you, and if that impact is positive, negative or neutral. Things can always change in the future, and there is no reason to compound your distress and possibly inhibit your recovery to force yourself to do something that you are not quite ready for, at this point.

 

I commend you on your insightful and fair-minded intuitiveness. It may not feel so to you, but I think you are leaps and bounds ahead of where a lot of people would be in your situation, and you should give yourself a hearty pat on the back for the way you have embraced positivity and moving forward in your life, while at the same time reflecting on ways you can make life better for those around you, and those you care for.

 

You are not defeated and that is no small thing! You have not given up, curled into a tight ball, and wept yourself into oblivion, all things you had every right to do in the face of such devastating disappointment. Instead, you have continually picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and set yourself right back on track to a happier, healthier life – and that must not be an easy undertaking, yet you do not let it stop you. I would take much and profound pride in this and I hope that you will!

 

This is not to say you should not expect small, and for a time, continual stumbling-blocks. There is utterly no shame at all in dreaming about this man, reflecting on happier times and wistfully wondering after what might have been. What would it say about you if you did not? What would it say about the nature of your long and deeply-felt relationship? I would be worried about you if you did not find yourself humoring such thoughts. You gave a great deal of your self and your history to this person and this relationship. If it did not impact your waking life – to say nothing of the subconscious you cannot control so easily, I would suggest you were repressing or denying very real and necessary elements of healing and growth.

 

Instead, you are confronting them, acknowledging them, giving them merit and attention, and then very appropriately assigning them to their proper place in your thoughts and moving onward and upward in your life. This is precisely what you should be doing, and it is not at all easy to do, which is why I believe you should be rewarding yourself for your honesty and progress – please do not feel embarrassed or off-put for being real and feeling. Those qualities are all too scarce in people, as it is, and no one, I would gently suggest here including you toward yourself, should even mildly rebuke one for displaying them.

 

I have made several assumptions about the person you are from your revelations about your life, but I would be stunned if I was all that wrong about them. One of my guesses about you is that you are an intensely loyal person, and genuinely and unmistakably devoted to those for whom you care. It would be all but impossible to expect you to simply turn off your feelings for someone even in light of their utter betrayal. Your dedication is not based solely on what is done for or even to you. I imagine you are one of those rare souls that love with their entire heart, and throw themselves into that love without inhibition or withholding, not someone who miserly doles out affection depending on who did what for them, and how good the last installment was. How, then, can you be expected to withdraw your feelings immediately when someone does you a bad turn? I do not think that is how you work on a fundamental and very personal level. And though I am sincerely aghast that it is causing you pain at this time, I truly believe the way you are is a singularly extraordinary and worthwhile way to be.

 

By all means, keeping fighting the good fight! I very much endorse your clever idea of swapping out your CDs for peppy, dance music. Small endeavors like that can add up to make all the difference at times of concentrated dejection. I also very much encourage your plan to reflect on these particular Buddhist principles (not in small part because I believe in many of these ideas, myself) and I think such investment will serve you well not only in making it through this time of heartache and romantic disappointment, but in your very virtuous resolution to be a better friend and companion to those you may not have spent as much time with as you would have liked over the past few years.

 

Anything you can do to console, comfort, understand and support yourself is all to the good. Exceptionally so when you are taking such pains to do it in balance, and not swing too far in any one direction. This includes, however, letting yourself grieve for the loss you have certainly suffered, regardless whether or not it is something someone else would consider a loss (by that I mean, I do not think you deserve anything less than someone who is devoted to you completely, who honors and respects you, cherishes you and helps you to grow, not someone who willfully and thoughtlessly hurts and compromises you. I hate that you are in pain now, but I also hate the idea of you continuing a relationship and sacrificing any part of yourself or your contentment to someone who takes advantage of your kindness and does not thoroughly reciprocate it).

 

I am gladdened to hear you ‘had a good cry,’ because I think it is a quite indispensable element to your healing. Please do not be too hard on yourself and view it as any breed of setback. I think it is actually a very healthy sign of restoration and moving forward.

 

Out of curiosity and hope, I searched the blog section to see if you started on one, by chance, and I was utterly delighted to see that you had! I (think I did, anyway) subscribed to the thread, and I am eager to follow along on your journey of healing and self-discovery. You have a great deal to offer the world at large, and to that end, others going through similar circumstances to your own and I think you will provide more aid and solace than you realize in allowing others to learn from your trek through heartache and frustration toward happiness and fulfillment – whether or not that involves another romantic partner in the immediate future.

 

I am rooting for you wholeheartedly and I firmly believe you are on the right path! Keep up the great work, Silverbirch. You are doing far better than you seem to think you are!

 

All my best,

Wager

[wilyone 11]

Silverbirch,

 

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I think you might benefit from reading the book "Men Who Can't Love". It's about men who sabotage relationships even when they love the woman a great deal because they fear intimacy, closeness and a lack of freedom. Before dumping their women, they come up with a long list of her "faults" to justify their departure since they can't face their own intimacy issues. This book really helped my self-esteem. Anyhow, you'll come through this even stronger than you were before and I wish you all the best.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you once again Wager for your support and thank you also Wilyone. Wily, I really don't believe he loved me after all that even though I had thought so up until a couple of weeks ago. I certainly believe now that for what ever reason, he cannot love women. Certainly for a while, he can feel desire and lust, but enduring love . . . NO.

 

Wager, I did really open my heart to this man. That was after he professed his undying love for me. I'd had what I thought was a friendship with him and was ready to move out of his world to pursue other things. If he ever did love me, then he has certainly fallen "out of love". The love I understand has more depth than what he is demonstrating. He was with his ex-wife for 26 years. He claims to have been "in love" with her for the first couple of years. Guess what, he claims all of the problems in the marriage were her fault. I never heard him say that he missed her, but I heard a lot of complaints about his change in lifestyle - his ex-wife had a lot of money, and took it all with her when she left. He freely says that he took for granted just being able to go out and buy what he wanted without having to think too much about money when he was married. He currently has financial problems he likely won't be able to ever resolve.

 

I recall that before I entered the relationship with him, there was a possible red flag I thought about and discussed with him. That was that he had begun a career in law, then left saying he was disillusioned with law, and moved into psychology. I remember thinking that if I was to ever clash with him, I would be up against a person very skilled in arguing, who also had high abilities in understanding how people tic. I knew that there was, and will be, in every relationship he has, the potential for overwhelming psychological and emotional power imbalance in his "favor."

 

At the risk of sounding like someone from a soap opera, the lyrics of an old favourite song spring to mind "Those of us who win the game lose the love they sought to gain."

[Silverbirch]

Hi Wager and Wilyone. I am trying to keep my posts now over in the Journal section of this board and let this thread go. Hoping you and others will go over there and post on "Silverbirch and Fellow-Travellers Journey". THANKS.