How long does it take?

[Duderanomi]

I'm just wondering on average how much time it took you guys to get over your ex's.

 

It feels to me like it all happened the day before when I think about it; like the wound is ripped open everytime I think about it.

[Tinkerbell]

According to Carrie from Sex in the City, it takes, on average, half the time you went out with the person to get over them. So 2 weeks for a one month long relationship, 6 months for a year long relationship, etc. However, I'm not sure that it's best to take the advice of fictional characters from a TBS show.

[Duderanomi]

Doesn't sound like that bad of an estimate. That's getting over a person though. What about when the pain stops?

[sue184]

I can't tell you exactly how long it takes for the pain of an ended relationship to stop, and I don't think anyone can. I guess it depends a lot on the relationship, the length of it, and the way the breakup happened. But based on my own experience, given that I have been broken off w/my ex of four years for a week today, every day that goes by the pain diminishes slowly. The first two days are misery, but by the sixth or seventh day you actually start to laugh and smile again. At first you may be angry, resentful, depressed and that's completely normal, but from what I read on this forum and what my friends tell me, it gets better each day. Sorry I couldn't give you a more definitive answer, but hope I helped.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

for me it took about 7 months. It does get better wether it feels like it now or not, so just give it time.

[tiger_lilies]

For me, it's been 4.5 months since my break up. I remember feeling better by the third month. Mainly because I knew that I wanted to get out there and have fun with my friends and meet new people. Meeting new people really helped me a lot! It gets you mind off of your ex and you start to experience new situations. I still hurt today when I think about him, but I also know that I am happier as a single woman than if I were with my ex.

[Bfunk]

Getting over a broken heart takes quite some time, depending on the situation. I was with a guy for over 3 years, and we broke up, and he just completely turned on me, for the worste. In the beginning, I was vulnerable and tried to contact him, but he just never called back, and tried to avoid me. He owed me money for bills, and many sentimental belongings from when we lived together. It was like one day he was madly in love with me, and the next, I never existed. Each season, or silly holiday that came up, stirred up a painful longing to be with him again, but I got through it. It wasn't easy, but I did. It's been about a year now, and I still think of him every day, but it's different. I have a lot of unanswered questions that still urk me, but just seeing how he is now, and his lude behavior towards others just turns me off. I never wante dto think ill of him, but after so long, and after all the pain endured, I don't care. I have since met somebody who is wonderful, and is everything I've always wanted. The ex, well, a part of me will always love the good memories.

So, to answer your question, I think it takes a good year to get over a broken heart. After going though the cycle of seasons and holidays w/out the ex, the next year will be new and hopeful. Keep you chin up, it will get better!

[auburnslp]

well, for me, a very strong relationship with love and joy that lasted 3 years has taken 4 months to move past...it is different for all of us, depending on our situations...now, arguably the most beautiful woman on this site (world?....sorry Tinkerbell) mentioned it takes half the time of the relationship...maybe for some that is true...for others, they never get over the pain. For others, it is very soon, as one of the previous posters mentioned they are already feeling better after a week, or at least a little better...

 

I can tell you what seems to be a common thread...it is the achievement of closure, the realization that it is truly over. The moment that you realize that hope is futile, that they are never coming back. The moment that you realize that unrealistic hope is holding you back, delaying your healing, preventing you from getting back to who you truly are, and enjoying life again, truly, with energy and hope for a future, and all that entails.

 

That is how it happened for me, after 4 months. And for many others that have posted here. I lived in misery. I held on and encouraged false hope...for 3 and a half months. Two weeks ago I was hit with the undeniable realization that is was all gone. And in two weeks, I am a different man. I don't care where she is, what she is doing. She was away for a week with her ex husband in Cancun last week, and I didn't even care. I am not angry at all, just resigned. And I never want to see or hear from her again. Because there is nothing but pain that could ever come from that. So,...for me and a few others at least, this is the secret. Today I asked out a girl finally, for the right reasons, not because I am trying to fill a void in my soul. I asked her out because I like her, and am very excited about the prospects of the two of us. And she said yes. My life seemed just over completely a few months ago, no hope at all for my future, and here I am today,...I'm back to the man I have always been.

 

Will the good memories ever fade? Probably not. That was a chapter of our lives. It is now over. Time to open the next chapter. But every chapter of our lives are important, and we must not forget them if we are to continue moving forward in life and learning from all the experiences it has held. Will the bad memories fade? No. The pain, in memory only, from the inequity and unfairness of what the love of our lives at the time subjected us to will not fade either...but the important part is that we have learned from them. Does the pain of the loss fade? Absolutely. And it is just amazing how fast it does fade when you acknowledge the inherent closure in the situation, and resign to the fact that there is much life left to live, and to let a past hurt cripple us is the biggest crime of all.

 

So, yes, the pain does fade. It goes away as a matter of fact. If we allow it to. If we want it to. Our choice. Don't let yourself struggle through life hurting over a past love. There can be nothing more sad than that, nothing in the world worse than that. It is the ultimate waste of potential, the ultimate waste of a life. The sooner we move on the better, so why not today? A new mindset. A new way of looking at the world. A new way of looking at us. A new hope, a totally new perspective. A letting go, and a looking forward.

 

I cannot express to you enough my hopes that you achieve this, and soon. I wish you all the best, and I wish I could just give you the strength necessary to achieve it. I was so lost and hopeless very recently, and now, the world is just wide open. Sometimes, it is truly time to just let go, for no other's sake but our own...Michael

[Del]

I separated from my wife in July '96. She left me for someone else and told me she didn't love me anymore. All the cliches I hear such as 'Time is a great healer' are true. It is only the passage of time that can truly heal someone (in my humble opinion). It is very hard getting through the initial months, infact I found it agony. I would say 4 to 5 months to get over the initial agony. But to truly get over someone depends how long you were with them. I was with the ex for 6 years and I can honestly say I never truly got over her until 2 to 2 and a half years, I don't mean I was in despair for that period, I just found I went certain days when I never thought about her, also when someone told me she was remarrying I truly didn't care. I excercised the NC after 6 months and I believe that was the key. But to anybody else going through a break up I really do sympathise, it is without a doubt a rotten period in anyones life, and I know it can DESTROY certain people. I found it really was a case of gritting ones teeth and just getting on with it.

 

You have to keep yourself busy, I used to go to the gym a lot, started going out with mates etc.

 

I hope this post might have helped someone. It is a long hard road, but you always get there in the end.

[NicHex]

I knwo I have just stopp'd hurting a few months ago. We were together for 2+ years and broke it off about the time of my b-day (some gift I gave myself). The times that used to mean something, seem to always mean something. I still wont ask any one out on 3/11 (the day I started to see my 1st real GF). And I have no intrest in starting something this week (Football Hall of Fame week), becasue that was when my latest Ex and i started dating. There is hope. All you can hope for is close understanding friends who will be there when you feel hallow, and leave you be when you need to just dwell.

 

Del is right about being busy. It always help. Myself, I found new meaning to my life in doing something I had longed for...I entered ROTC in my college. Just look for yourself and realize that you are still the same person you were before during and after the break up. Nothing has changed but you status (single, married, etc...).

 

All this coming from a man who broke down yesterday just to realize he was reliving good memories that his misses. I dont Miss her any more, I miss knowing I can call some one at 3a.m. to go to iHop or to watch a movie.

[vimora]

Logically in my mind, I know that I will get over this. But for now I'm still not over it. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years one week ago. Boy, those first two days were horrible, it took all my energy to put on a normal face at work. The tears would well up in my eyes and I'd have to leave the room to go compose myself but I couldn't let my patients (I'm a delivery room nursing student) see me that way, I'd put on a happy face and go back in as if there wasn't anything wrong. But I found that with each passing day, the fact that I had to concentrate on my work helped the day go by faster.

 

Now, a week later, I just feel confusion. Do I want him back or do I want the comfort of having a boyfriend? Is it him I'm missing or do I miss that special connection that you have with someone intimate? How can someone just forget 3 years?*sigh* It's really hard. I just want to call him up and have back what we used to have.

 

Reading the posts here, hearing people say it took some of them months to get over this is depressing to hear! Months!! I don't want to be feeling this hurt for another couple of months!

 

I've been trying to pep talk myself saying it'll pass, that it was for the best, that soon I'll get over the grief. Interspersed with these talks are the feelings of longing, of wanting to call him, of asking him if we could make an effort to make it work. Wondering if he feels the same way.

 

God, I hate being suspended in limbo this way. Still, it's nice to know that there are many out there living this hurt and many others who came through it.

 

Just wanted to vent, thanks.

[Pebek]

vimora wrote the posts here, hearing people say it took some of them months to get over this is depressing to hear! Months!! I don't want to be feeling this hurt for another couple of months!

 

My gf of 4 1/2 years broke up with me in mid-March. I've been doing NC since then. I am closer to being the man I used to be without her but there's a long way to go. There are still times I hurt so much I just want to howl.

But as they say, the road is long but we will get there.

 

Stay strong, though.

[Duderanomi]

Been over a month and I'm still hurting just as much. Been trying to keep busy as much as possible, but absolutely everything reminds me of her.

 

I'm going insane. Also started working out to keep myself busy, but it seems that I go overboard everytime and end up feeling like hurling chunks.

[Vert]

Vimora,

I feel you bigtime. That is how I'm feeling right now -- do I want to get back with my ex-gf because I want to be with her or because I just want to feel the intimacy of the relationship again? One of her reasons for the breakup was because she felt she was comfortable in the relationship and didn't want things to move forward. Basically she was happy with relationship intimacy but wasn't sure if she loved me truly enough to marry me.

 

It's been two weeks for me, and all I can say is that it gets much easier to forget them once you get busy doing activities you like. A job doesn't do it for me, but working out, playing games, or just hanging out with friends/roommates is best.