My Ex Wrote to My Friend and I Want to Ask My Friend Not to Respond

[cardinalsings]

So I just saw on facebook that my ex (who I'm still in love with) wrote on my friend's wall who he knows I see every week for work. He just asked him how he's doing and said hello. I'm so pissed because I introduced them and he wouldn't even be facebook friends with him if I hadn't brought my ex to my friend's birthday party. I'm pissed he is saying hello to my friend and it seems fishy to me...considering I just found out yesterday from someone posting on his wall that he has a girlfriend already 5 months post BU. AND I think it may be someone I considered a friend who on occasion works an event with me and the friend that my ex wrote to today. This girl sometimes works for our company here and there and that's how we became friendly and got to know each other and had long conversations about life and love and planned to hang out many times and texted each other...although we never got around to getting together. This all happened before she ever met my ex when they got cast in the same show together since they are actors.

 

SO, I'm wondering. Would it seem ok if I asked my friend not to respond to my ex? If I said I am not on good terms with him and feel uncomfortable about him messaging my friends and if he could refrain from responding to my ex I'd appreciate it? My friend kinda knows about the whole ordeal of our break up and how he broke up with me and he found it fishy how it happened. My friend from work and I are prett close but I'm just worried he might find it rude I'm telling him he can't respond nicely and in a civil manner to my ex. I don't know...but at the same he might respond too over friendly and my ex will feel like everything is ok between us when it's NOT because I believe he is dating someone I thought was my friend who I actually trusted with lots of information (bad info) about my relationship with my ex at the time when he and I were still together. I find them going out a betrayal and disrespectful on both their parts to start a relationship if she is in fact the "girlfriend" (because there is not yet any indication of who the girl through facebook) YET, I have noticed them getting very friendly through facebook and I'm positive they hung out....

 

Either way, I know he was flirting with her and chasing her and that is reason enough to be angry with him for having gone after someone he knows I consider a friend. But on the other hand, if my guy friend from work is really my friend he should understand and simply not respond right? Don't know whether to text him but I need to do it soon before he DOES respond if I'm planning to ask him not to. Other problem is, my friend from work is friends with her too so I don't know if he might mention this to her when he sees her this weekend for work if the two of them are in fact dating or he might let it slip not knowing they are dating...and I might look like a witch to my ex and her. Although I have every right to be upset and mad I think.

 

My life with my ex feels so entwined and entangled right now. I just want him to leave my friends alone and stop being so entwined somehow in my life. It already makes me sick the idea that he is going out with someone I trusted and thought was my friend and that she would do that to me.

[charity]

wow you really are trying to control everything aren't you. i guess you are in a bad place now and feel out of control seeing as you say you still love him.

 

its really none of your business who your ex messages on fb. you do not have a right to assume that your friend should 'just know' not to respond, and you certainly have no right to tell him to ignore a message from someone he knows even though its your ex.

 

i can understand you being very hurt that your bf may be seeing someone you know. that is bound to hurt but the fact of the matter is that you would be hurt no matter who he was seeing because you love him. he waited 5 months before getting into a relationship and i think thats pretty decent. i don't feel he or she really is betraying you as she doesnt know you all to well and never met the guy through you. they met eachother independently and you and she are not really close friends or anything . the fact is he is single now and you need to try to accept that.

 

i know its a killer that you know her, and i know its a killer that you are looking at them chatting on FB. REALIZE THAT you cannot control what someone else does. if you could you and he would probably still be together.

[Perrin83]

I have a few ideas/suggestions, OP:

 

Your ex MAY have broken up with you because you seem to be very controlling.

 

Your friend might know this about you, as well, and only said he thought the break up was "fishy" because he feels he should be more aligned with you, as you've been friends longer.

 

You have absolutely no right to dictate who your friends are friends with. When I got divorced, a couple of fairly good friends of mine who were also friends of my ex helped her move out of my house. I didn't tell them not to, and one of them was a girl I was VERY attracted to, at the time.

 

Finally, you need to move on.

 

You should also get some counseling for your own issues.

 

I hope I helped, and am sorry if I hurt your feelings; sometimes a little constructive criticism is good.

[Tanzi]

I suspect you are still very angry and upset with your ex and therefore you want everyone you know to feel your pain too and to act accordingly (ie. NOT respond to your ex).

 

This could put your friend in a very awkward position, depending on how he feels. He may not like the idea of ignoring someone he hasn't any personal issues with. On the other hand, he may feel so strongly about his actions towards you that he may not want to reply.

 

You could ask him not to be to overly-friendly if he does want to reply as it makes you feel uncomfortable but other than that I think you really need to leave it up to your friend to decide what he wants to do. He should do what he feels comfortable with otherwise he will end up being an unwilling party in your post BU issues with your ex ... and no-one wants to be that.

[Doc Blaze]

First block your ex...second trying to control every situation and everything your ex does is not going to make the pain go away

[kingofatlantis]

You're making friends pick sides and that's always a terrible and inconsiderate thing to do to a friend. Me and my ex have a ridiculous amount of mutual friends since we attended high school together and all you can do is let them be you can't dictate what happens post-breakup but you can work on yourself and improve on your flaws post break-up. Just block your ex and fb and it will not be an issue. What you are displaying is very controlling and unhealthy.

[manicdogbert]

As everybody says, do yourself a favor and block your ex from FB. It's best you can do in order for you to heal from this. I guarantee you that if you continue to see anything from your ex, you will not be able to heal.

 

Second, you cannot and should not try to dictate how your friends should act towards your ex. That will only mess up the relationships you have with your friends. I actually dealt with something similar where a friend who I was friends with first continued to hang out with my ex after the break up. I could never ask that friend to not be friends with my ex. I know that's wrong.

 

Sadly, it did get to the point that I had to completely remove that friend from my life in order to continue my healing. I feel bad because I never really talked to her (the friend) about it. I just sort of disappeared. But I did what was right for myself to heal. If it meant she became a casuality then so be it. But it was all on me and, again, I would never ask her to stop hanging out with my ex.

[cardinalsings]

Ok looks like I wont text my friend about how uncomfortable it makes me. But charity, I should mention I'm pretty sure they started going out in mid February so actually he really didn't wait all that long since mid November when we broke up.

 

I just don't understand how a girl who knows I consider her a friend because I even called her my friend to her face last time I saw her...how that girl who I told horrible things to about my ex, how he was a bad boyfriend, all these awful things he did to me, bad things about how he thinks and what he believes and even how his friends are not good people.....how she could still date him? And how she basically told me she even NOTICED some of these negative things a month post BU and seemed completely uninterested in him and told me I'm better off. How could that same person still go out with him? Are people really that idiotic and wreckless?

 

Can a girl really just overlook all that bad information?...even how I told her we broke up, how he told me he'd always love me, how we had sex a few times and how he cried and then texted me throughout the next month a few times and kept Liking pictures of us on facebook.... and also the fact that he got out of a 4 year relationship only a few months ago with someone she knows pretty well and had a friendly connection with.....it just seems so risky and even crazy to me. Can a girl really be so secure in being his girlfriend based on all she knows and the circumstances? Can she really believe what he says despite me telling her things before she ever even MET HIM? I know many people who wouldn't be able to get into something like this including myself, so it's very confusing and seems nuts to me. It's like walking into trouble and future pain...maybe even future self-doubt as to whether he starting going out with her too soon after a long relationship, even wondering how our relationship really was and how he was with me since she knows me.

 

And I really thought she was a sweet, nice, SMART girl. Could she really be so desperate? Because a co-worker told me she has had lots of trouble dating and getting a boyfriend and the times I spoke to her she was still somewhat hung up about how she messed up with her ex from two years ago...and she seemed desperate because she was asking me to give strangers on the train her number and even mentioned she had an online dating account back in december.

 

Also, can she really not care to hurt me and risk ruining her standing with me and at her job knowing that once it comes out everyone will know she started dating my ex of four years and perhaps look down on her for it. I already have a co-worker at work who thinks it's awful of her to do that and a terrible situation for me. I know my other friends at work, if I told them, would think it's ridiculous and disrespectful and look down on her too. I am very close with all of them. Many of them have professed they are relieved I am not with him anymore because he was controlling boyfriend to me...told me what I could or couldn't audition for (I'm an actress too) because he didn't want me doing anything sexual or revealing....and there were many other ways he controlled me and they knew about it from when I would ask advice. So they will think she is stupid to date him just like they thought I was for staying with him. BUT, I didn't get to know that side till months in and no one warned me or told me bad information about him so I was much more blind than this girl is so I fell for him first then got hurt. She could have prevented it all by not starting any flirting and attraction to him because she should be smart enough to know it's not worth finding out and getting into to get hurt. Too messy.

 

This just seems nuts and a messy situation for her to have walked into and causes a lot of pain for me and maybe even herself. I just don't think anyone can be that mentally strong and self-assured and secure...particularly her because she strikes me as being fragile (I could be wrong of course)....to be able to date my ex and not begin to wonder and have doubts and think back and remember bad things I told her and maybe notice them and even wonder if he still loves me in some way or how he was with me since she knows me and can probably try to picture it somewhat. Why even let someone into your life who you've heard is a bad boyfriend? I don't get it. Are people really that stupid?

[charity]

girl you know exactly what the man is like and yet you still say you are in love with him and you check his facebook so lets not throw stones from glasshouses here.

 

if you like someone, you like someone! and thats it. yeah you might see and hear red flags but guess what, at the beginning of any relationship all those things are just brushed over because your 'in love'.

 

you are focusing all your hurt and anger at the wrong person and its not right. it almost sounds like your gonna bad mouth this girl to all your work colleagues and make life hard for her at work.

 

she is just a single girl, not having luck with dating or relationship and now she chose another SINGLE guy who happens to be the ex (for months now) of a distant friend. yes i would be hurt too, i would! and i perhaps could not talk to her again cause i would find it too hard but for a lot of woman finding a man they really like and connect with is worth losing someone that they are distant kinda friends with.