Is my ex my friend or something else?

[MadxMythMadame]

Roughly two months ago, my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. Since last August, I've known he wanted to go into the military to pay for medical school. I didn't attempt to stop him. I didn't ask him to stay. I tried to support him as much as I could, reading articles on long distant, military relationships, talking to friends - I even asked my sister who has a masters in relationship and family counselling for help. And at the same time, he did the same.

 

For months, we were trying to make it work, finding ways to not let it all devastated us too bad, but, alas, all our efforts came to a flaw. The year prior, we were somewhat forced to have a long-distant relationship because we went to different schools. We made it work by visiting frequently, and calls, etc. I thought, "Yeah, it's going to be hella tougher this next time around, but we can manage. I love him, he loves me. We trust each other. Positive attitude!" Little did I know, he didn't feel the same way.

 

When he broke up with me, he told me that the long-distant relationship tore him apart that he couldn't handle going through it and having it be worse than the first time. He got scared and I understood that. Didn't mean I didn't yell at him and was (still kinda am) furious. I just understood that it was human nature. What was bad was that he never told me until that moment. And up to that point I'd told him every emotion and thought that past through my head so that I could develop trust in him.

 

Anyway, I remember talking to him for the first time after the break-up and it was completely civil. It was like talking to an old friend. I just remember looking at him and having him ask me, "So are we friends now?" My answer was that I don't know what we are now. We have three years of history as a couple and friends, but we're exes. He broke my heart in millions of pieces. He was my best friend that I truly trusted, which makes it's complicated. We're not like other exes that either hate each other, or have this one-side love. We still love each other.

 

I make no contact with him, but I know, I'm eventually going to bump into him in about a month and half - after his training. I don't really miss him as an old boyfriend, lover, etc. I just miss him and we had such as great friendship, but could I really be friends with someone who shattered my trust? At this point, is he really someone I can call friend? Or someone that's just, for the lack of better words, someone else?

[Kit Kat]

i am going through roughly the same thing!!! i thought i could call him a friend... if he loved me, he would've stayed and continued to make it work, if he was my friend (like he insisted on being) he would treat me like one and not like an ex gf he once had some fun times with. im the same, i dont entirely miss him as a bf, but i do really miss the friendship side of things. But i find i just cant do it, in order to get over him, i need to forget about him.. at least for the time being. maybe some months down the track i MIGHT contact him. but honestly, staying in contact is tough on the heart!

[chiqueangel]

it's weird to be friends with an ex. my recent ex is not my friend even if we tried being friends. it never really worked. my other exes are my friends, well more of an acquaintance actually. i feel awkward hanging out with an ex because there's this possibility of talking about what happened to the failed relationship no matter how long you have not been together.

[MadxMythMadame]

@ Kit Kat, I don't believe in forgetting him. I'm a fair believer in facing things head on and remembering everything that happen. It's a lot like torture, but I think it's best to get this sh*tty feeling of heart break out of the way. I've actually never "tried" to be "friends" only because he broke up with me a week before he left for military training. I saw him two days after he broke up with me and never again after that.

 

@ chiqueangel, I'm not scared about talking about what happened between us at all. In fact, I would like to talk it out more because I was always used to us talking out all our problems (we never really fought at all.) - except for the big problem he failed to mention about his LDR feelings.

 

I feel like if you want to be friends with your ex, it has to be this natural thing that you can't really "try" at it, you know? I just feel like there are still so many loose ends and there's absolutely no way of telling him anymore. I guess, it's the one thing that makes him even the slightest bit an a**hole.

[fire2therain]

i think it takes a long time for exes to actually be friends. so many times you say you are "friends" but it's actually just some awkward relationship that you can't really categorize. There will always be a weird connection with exes because of previous feelings. I understand what you mean about missing him but not missing your relationship with him because he was one of your best friends..but you honestly might have to put that on hold for a little while because he broke your heart 2 months ago. The BU is still relatively fresh so I think you need more time to heal. Definitely just stick to NC and if you run into him, you run into him. Say hello and then walk on.

[MadxMythMadame]

Thanks for all your responses. I kinda brought back to perspective. It's the sense of knowing what you're suppose to be thinking, and thinking about what your not suppose to think.

[dramallama]

Just because you bump into someone that you once knew, it doesn't mean that you are obligated to let them into your life again. You DO have the option to smile and then physically keep walking on. Or tell them that you would like space, and ask them to respect that.

 

About being friends with him... could you genuinely happy for him if he got another girlfriend while you are friends with him? Would being friends with him slow down your progress of moving on - including healing and finding someone else that DOES want to commit to you? If your feelings come back (which I'm guessing they will) but he indicates that he wants to stay friends, are you prepared to walk away and cut ties?

 

Those are some questions to consider. Also, if you are analysing it now when it hasn't even happened, I don't think you are or would be in a place to genuinely be friends with zero expectations. Just my opinion.

[MadxMythMadame]

Good point, dramallama. I mean, I'm just naturally a very cautious, analytical person, so it's something I can't help, but think about.

 

I think eventually I could be okay with him having another girlfriend. It was a possibility when we were weighting our options on whether or not we were going to part ways. And I could be happy for him because I think that if there was something missing in our relationship, then he deserves to find someone that has that something any everything else. I think that's what everyone deserves.

 

As for my healing process and falling back in love with him? I have a great support group around me, a lot more vigor than I thought, and honestly, I'm always going to love him. First love and everything in between. So maybe I can't be a close friend with him now, or even friends right now, but now that I've researched some perspective and my thoughts, I feel like it's not impossible - just at the moment, not doable because all the eggs are in his basket right now.

[MsLippy]

It is possible that maybe you guys can be friends, but I don't think that's what this is really about. I think this is about you not being able to let go, and possibly luring him back into your life. I really think the best thing that you can do for yourself at this point is to let him go, and move on. If fate brings you back together in the future, then it was probably meant to be. This is not something you want to try and force. Things will work themselves out over time.