Committment-phobe or just not a good match?

[bpm103]

33 year old male. I have been with the same girl for over 3 years. She is my best friend. She is supporting, helpful, smart, a good listener, honest, loyal, caring, and pretty (some say gorgeous). She has always been there for me. Basically, I look at her and think she is the one I SHOULD want to be with.

 

Issue is - for the past 3 years, yes, from the very start... I wasn't head over heels for her. She was fun to hang out with but I never felt butterflies, if you will. I have broken up with her a few times only to regret it and go back. When that happens the sparks fly for a week or two and then right back to feeling its not right.

 

I am on the brink of breaking it off again and moving out and I am terrified. I told her of my plans and now alll of the sudden I feel like I am making a mistake and I cannot get enough of her.

 

I love her dearly but I do not want to get married anytime soon and she is getting to the point where she needs ot have some more kids before she can't. She wants that.

 

I feel like the right thing to do is to move out and let her find someone that is truly into her on all levels all the time. I want her to be happy.

 

I am just scared that I am going to regret this forever... everyone tells me these type of girls do not grow on trees which I get but if it just hasn't felt right for so long... I just don't know how to change it as much as I want to!

 

Anyone have experience breaking it off with someone you felt could be the one because the "SPARK" was never there? Anyone break up with a great wonderful person that was their best friend?

 

Any feedback would be appreciated!!

[Eocsor]

Well, you say you aren't head over heals for her and have already broken up a couple of times. Yet when you break up and have to chase her again there's a spark. Sounds like you like the thrill of the chase more than the actual relationship. And maybe you're afraid of being on your own and so you can't let go of a familiar thing.

 

Also she wants kids and you don't which to me is the ultimate deal breaker.

 

All relationships start off with a honeymoon period where you are madly passionately in love, or at least they should. But you can't sustain that forever. A mature relationship will settle down to a point where the feelings run deeper but aren't as intense as during the initial phase. And in the end, thats what you want, someone who loves you for who you are warts and all and is your best friend. The flames may burn down but the embers of love are still hot if you'll forgive a corny phrase.

 

If you can't commit after three years maybe thats a sign. And if she wants kids and you don't, well I've never seen that one end well. You need to make up your mind what you want and what you can accept and do it soon. Otherwise you're just jerking her around and thats not fair to her.

[lavenderdove]

Before you consider breaking up, i suggest you go talk to a counselor for a bit to explore your feelings. You certainly don't want to marry someone you will bail on in a few years, but you also don't want to break up with someone you are experiencing a mature love with rather than just the new love butterflies. I think a counselor could help you work thru your feelings to decide what is really going on here.

 

Perhaps the real problem is you just don't want to get married, and she has her fertility issues to consider and can't wait too much longer for you to make up your mind about that. You don't want to waste more of her time if you're not ready to move to the next level in a reasonable time of the next year or two.

[Springs]

I think you should have a serious think about what you want long term. Do you eventually want marriage and children as she does? If not, then it's not fair to keep her waiting around for something that isn't going to happen. Other than that, you obviously love her and understand what a great person she is, but as eocsar said, that's what real love is. If you want someone to share your life with, you can;t expect to have the sparks and butterflies long term. It just doesn't happen. She is your best friend and to have that in a partner is a special thing. I think you need to consider whether you truly want a committed relationship which doesn't need the spark to survive, just real love. Or weather you and she might be happier if you leave and have a few casual relationships where you have the spark and see if that satisfies you.