why cant it all just end

[couldbeme86]

okay the last few months have been crap. everything was great until a few months ago. i started to lose my temper more and would go off on my friends about the smallest things. now i just hate being alive. the girl i want to go out with i cant go out with, my parents want to know everything about my life, ive hurt all my friends and i just want to die. i cut for a while to try and get rid of my depression. that didnt help any cuz i hurt all my friends, which made me even more depressed. its funny cuz im always fine until night time. thats whan i get really depressed and do something stupid. i always end up in a fight with one of my friend because im so edgy at night. my friends get pissed because im not afraid to die and wish i would. i always tell my friends sorry for everything ive done, then i turn around and do something even dumber. like when i told my friend that i was sorry for hurting her, then i turned around and wrote her a letter asking if anyone would miss me if killed myself. that pissed her off and she cussed me out. i dont get why i only get depressed at night. does it make any sense? shouldnt i be depressed all the time, not just at night?im sorry to who ever read this. im just trying to get rid of my depression. if anyone thinks they know whats wrong with me or just want to cuss me out then please respond. later.

rc

[john one]

I used to have the same problem a long time ago. I had it pretty bad. In my case, I think it was related to an unhappy or disfunctional family life (parents fighting, divorce, abusive brother, maybe even chemical imbalance). I used to crave pain and take life or death risks. I was also a "cutter", I still have a self portrait I did in pure blood. At one point, I was abusing drugs like a mad-man. I eventually grew out of it. I started realizing a whole bunch of things as I got older. I would see people in situations that were valid resons to get down -terminal illness, etc. and think to myself that I was fortunate in many ways, and started feeling embarrassed for myself. I noticed that people I KNEW had less talent or capability than me, succeeding in many areas of their lives, and thought to myself -there's no reason why I shouldn't get what I want too. I found that the world with all of it's bads, has alot of enjoyable goods too, and those are the things I sholud be spending my time with. It didn't happen over night. It was something I had to work on and still work on. There's so much more to it, but basically, it's easy to get sucked into your negative side and keep going and going until you hit rock bottom, but once you're at the bottom, the only way left to go and also look is up. The only way lower is death, and the thought of it may seem tempting, but you have to always tell yourself that it's not time yet, eventually you'll tell yourself that it's never time.

[nina]

When I was about 17 and still at school I went a little haywire too. I was doing French and we had to read Albert Camus' book 'The Stranger' (L'Etranger). This introduced me to the 'delights' of existentialism. It completely unbalanced me, threw my life off course. And I've never really recovered.

 

I started getting really insecure and nervous. During the day things weren't so bad.. but at night time.. that's when this feeling of unease and uncertainty started to creep up on me. My dad had to sleep in my bedroom and I slept in his bed with my mother (they had two twins pushed together). The family doctor also prescribed tranquilizers. I took one every night when these feelings started to grow. he only gave me a month's supply and I don't know if I ever took them all. But taking them suppressed these feelings and gave me a chance to get some grip on myself.

 

It happened again in Spain when I lived there - and in London too. A certain unhappiness in my life, the feeling 'is this all there is?' and uncertainty again. In Spain.. I realised - after reading around a bit - that it was mild depression. Reading articles, I understood that this would pass. In London I was given Diazapam (a tranquilizer). Again.. only a month's supply and I was told only to take one when I felt the need for it. But basically what improved me completely was giving up a job which I had only taken in order to please my parents. As soon as I had given up this secure job, with four weeks' paid holiday, and a state pension at the end of it - to return to a freelance life abroad - where basically no work equates to no pay.. I felt a lot better. Why? Because I was making the choices again.

 

Try and do what YOU enjoy and to hell with the rest of the world. See if there are areas in your life where you can make some decisions - then you'll feel more in control.

 

Good luck.

[couldbeme86]

hey thanks john one and nina for all the help. ill try to do what the two of you sugested. hope this will help. my frinds are starting to tell me that if i dont do something theyre gonna tell my parents about everything. thats the last thing i need right now. i already have enough stress from my parents, i dont need any more. again thanks for everything. later.

[paul475]

...OTTLites. These are full spectrum lights that you can turn on at night to help alleviate some of your symptoms.

 

This sounds like clinical depression or some clinical pathology to me. I had alot of clinical stuff going on when I was in high school and I never sought any outside help. I suffered for many, many years that I could have spent really enjoying myself.

 

I was terrified of anyone finding out how crazy I actually was. I had always BEEN the way that I was, so for me to accept that I was crazy NOW, would mean that I was always crazy. I couldn't accept that reality, so I had to hide my illnesses.

 

Today I am glad that I finally got some help on my own terms. The terms my parents and others would have offered me were just too stigmatizing and far too frightening.