Will I ever be good enough?

[cupcake22]

Situation in a nutshell: me and this guy have been dating for 4 1/2 years with a couple breaks inbetween. 2 years into the relationship we took a break and he slept with another girl even though we were still intimate and constantly together. I was crushed but took him back because he insisted it wasn't wrong because we weren't technically dating.

 

Fast forward to last month, he broke up with me. I was about to move back home post college graduation and I so I went to see him for the last time before leaving. I broke down and told him I wanted to be with him. He told me he was going to visit his mom. Then later I find out he in fact went to visit his ex whom he slept with. How could he do such a thing seeing me cry like that knowing how much it would hurt me? He also blames me for the situation because I moved. I wanted to work it out, I promised him I would move back in order to be with him.

 

Since then I have found out that there was ANOTHER girl he slept with during one of our breaks that he didn't tell me about until a year later. The dilemma I have is that in my head I know he will never change and will continue to hurt me, but my heart truly loves him and wants to believe all the things he tells me. Will I ever be good enough for him?

[Yaz]

Leave him. People who love you do not make you feel like dirt. Even if you were broken up - did you sleep with another guy? No, because you loved and cared about your man.

 

Apply the same rules to him as you apply to yourself. He falls short and IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You are actually TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

 

Dump him. No contact. Move on.

[Mauxly]

I read this and wonder if I don't know you. But I figure that this story is universal enough that it's being repeated everywhere, so chances are you just happened to find yourself in love with someone like one of my exes and not my actual ex....

 

Anyway, about ten years ago I dated a man who was just like your ex on and off for three years. I loved him so much that even though he was constantly finding excuses to break up with me and sleep with other women I continued to take him back. After all, he never technically cheated on me, he always broke up with me first.

 

Three years of heartbreaking fights and confusion, three years of praying he'd realize what he'd had in me and finally truly commit. Three years of bending over backwards to achieve some twisted perfection so that he'd stop being so critical of me. The entire time thinking that all of it was somehow my fault.

 

A few years after we finally broke up for good he started dating this really amazing woman. Oh...don't get me wrong, he'd always had a woman waiting in the wings so it wasn't years before he dated again, but it was years before he met her.

 

She is extremely cool, Phd, stunning, funny, and seemed to know how to handle him way better than I ever could. I thought for sure he'd found his match. And then I find out that he pulled the exact same crap with her.

 

It isn't that she'll never be good enough, it's that he's not good enough. He can't commit to anyone, and for all of his amazing attributes (and he has loads, there's a reason women flock to him) he is an insecure commitmentphobe who's looking for perfection outside of himself.

 

No one will ever be good enough for him. He will continue to sabotage every relationship until he rots a lonely death. And he's not a bad guy, he's just a really messed up guy, so my heart breaks for both of them.

 

You are plenty good enough. Cut your losses and hold out for someone who realises it.

[itsallgrand]

Some roads are just dead ends. Sounds like this one is.

 

Consider it a detour. It doesn't have to become your "go to" of what you think of when you think love, relationships, men.

 

You are as worthwhile as you ever were. Will you ever be good enough for him? That isn't even a question that can be answered. The very fact you are asking that of yourself, is a sign this isn't a relationship that is meeting your needs or working for you.

 

So really to me the question is, Are you worth enough to yourself to go for more? To go for what you really want? Because you already know what he can give, will give, and that it will not change. You know you will get hurt, you know he will disappear when it suits him, that he does not or can not commit to you.

 

It's like anything else in life. You can't waste your self worrying if you are good enough for something. You can't waste yourself playing with the feathers blowing in the breeze, not if there is something or somewhere you are going. If what you want is love and a two way meaningful relationship without someone running you down emotionally, then you have to be willing to not be seduced by the 'fools gold'.

[cupcake22]

Thank you so much for responding and helping me through this hard time. I just don't know how to fall out of love with him. It hurts knowing I'm second best in his eyes. I can end all contact between us, but I will know he has someone else's arms to run to while I have no one. It's not fair that he doesn't hurt the way I do. I really don't know how to go about this. We are best friends and I don't want to be the one to throw it all away.