Date or Not?

[notgivingup]

For those of you who follow up with my posts on ENA, my most recent post did mention a guy who I referred to as N. He is 30, is his own boss, is gentlemanly, is talkative and understanding, is considerate, is Christian and meets some of the qualities that I want in a boyfriend so far. He says and does things that stands out but I am wary of the situation still. I still have the tendency to over-react, over-think, over-worry, over-analyze and do all of that still.

 

We met up this past Sunday, it was not long, we only hung out together for like 20 minutes. We did not have that much to talk about, maybe it is because we are both shy. When I asked him about it, he did not have much to say about it; only said that he enjoyed his time with me, that he liked hanging out with me and that he thinks that I am a cool person. I was expecting more than that, I have a whole list of questions that I wanted to ask him and so much more from that day that I wanted to discuss with him about that first meeting that we had.

 

I felt emotional as if I was a mess that morning. I felt excited, anxious, nervous, awkward, afraid all at once. We have already felt that we have made a connection with each other before now and we both established the fact that we both like each other. I felt like I had bored him when we met up, and I have no idea if that is true. I felt like I was extra quiet because I felt like I might make a mistake in saying or doing something that would ruin or destroy what we had with each other so far. I felt like what we had so far is fragil and it might break at any time. Do I feel that way because of my past, because all my past relationships ended badly?

 

I started this with N without letting him know that I have any doubts, insecurities about what we have but now it is coming out. Perhaps I am afraid of letting him know certain things because I have no idea how he might react because I am afraid of him abandoning me like all the previous guys had even before we get together. I think that I tend to rush into relationships because I feel better knowing that I am together with someone rather than taking the time to get to know someone and have them leave me before anything get to happen between the both of us. And so this is difficult for me, keeping all of my inner struggles to myself and away from him and dealing with it on my own and with the help of friends that I trust. It is like I want him to get to know me better through time but I also do not want to make things (what we have) more complicated than it needs to be) since I tend to move too fast too soon. I know he cares about me and wants to know what I am thinking but I am afraid that once he knows it would ruin and destroy that we have built in the past two months or so.

 

Is there any need for me to worry and be afraid of this relationship that I have with N knowing how mature he is and how old he is? It's like am I mature enough for him? Is our age gap going to be a trouble? Will the fact that I am so inexperienced in the world of dating and my failures as a girlfriend thus far going to be a problem between me and N? Can a friend really care a lot another friend? If me and N care about each other a lot and he sees that as fine, that got me to thinking how many other guys and/or gals can he say the same about? Is there any need for me to worry? How can I keep the inner struggles that I have from affecting what me and N have? He was sick yesterday and I was so worried about him is that normal? And he was worried about me in return that I might not do a good job at work just because I am worried about the fact that I am so worried about his health.

 

That same night he tells me that an ex-employee of his wants to get child support from him and that he was stressing about that. I called him after I read his text message and asked him what that was about and he said I don't know. Should I be worried that he has children with that ex-employee or believe that he does not have children with that ex-employee that he was referring to?

 

I am trying my best not to let my past relationships and my needless thinking, worrying and everything that I have mentioned above affect what we have and let it become a problem for me and N. Any suggestions? Any advice, comments, opinions is welcomed.

 

N keeps telling me to not to think too much about things but I can't do that. Ai yah. I try my best to but it gets too much sometimes you know?