For You, My Love...

[4everdreamie]

Outside, the rain is falling, the wind is hissing, and leaves are shaking. Inside, I'm sitting here wondering where you are, who you are, and what are you thinking? I've spent half of my life yearning, and waiting for you. Are you real? Are you out there, looking for me? Or am I just dreaming, a never ending dream? I long for your touch. I long to see your sweet smile, and wish I could just drown in your eyes, in that "sea of love". I don't know what you look like, nor do I care, but the two things that I'm certain of about you are that sweet smile, and those loving eyes. Eyes that are for me, and me only!

 

There're so many things that I want to tell you. There's so much love that I want to pour into you. So want to kiss those sweet lips of yours, and whisper gently in your ear: How much I love you! You, the man of my dream, the love of my life, and the soulmate of my soul. You, so ordinary, yet so wonderful; so down to earth, yet so chivalrous; so clever, and yet so humble; so cunning, but so honest! I guess, I'm dreaming again...

 

Life is too short, true love is rare, but dreams will always be there. I often dream of being with you 'til the end of time (our time here). We would be so old, and wrinkly, but still hand in hand as we walk slowly into the sunset...

 

I wish, I wish...sigh...

[4everdreamie]

I'm thinking about you again, my dear! I'm wondering why it took me so long to find you, or you so long to find me. It's a warm, quiet night. I'm sitting here thinking what would it be like if you are right here, right now? What would happen now when you are by my side? Would we be making passionate love, or do we just enjoy a quiet night together. Would we just sit there and stare at each other from time to time, and smile, and giggle, or perhaps we would be watching our favorite movie together, and yet may be we would be reading some wonderful novels, side by side! That's how our beautiful evenings go, and usually end with good, good night sleep, and sweet, sweet dreams.

 

Do you know what I have to go through in order to find you? I have to put myself out there. Meeting all these strangers, being in awkward situations, almost conned, tricked by some wicked men waiting to prey on innocent women like me. I've dealt with all kinds of indecent proposals, false promises, and fake identities meeting these guys. I'm so tired, so weary of everything. I have no hope left that you are even out there, existed, and waiting for me. None, no hope left, no energy, no more believing in anything anymore...Life goes on... but it's never the same without you! Billions of people in this world, millions of people in this country, and thousands of people surrounding me, and yet, I feel so alone, so lonely, and hopeless! Do you know that I can live, and still live without you? But I live my life vicariously through the wind, through the rain, through the vines, and I wish, and I wish for a change. Change brought over by you, change brought over to me for a better life, for a real life, and me, I would be real again.

 

I feel so sad that what seems to be such an easy thing to find, has been my life long search. An ordinary, but most understanding man by my side. I always imagine that I would meet you in the most unusual place, at the most unexpected time, and you will just be there. You, you will just appear in my life on the most uneventful day to make it the most memorable day for us, and that's how our love story began...

 

Now the emptiness in me has grown, and grown. I'm getting more, and more tired, and I'm wondering when will I finally give up this thought about you, this longing for you? If you are out there my "blue eyes angel", please come to me before it's all too late! I don't want to give up on you. No, not yet, not now, but please do not make me wait for too long. I searched and searched and you are no where to be found. What else can I do? I can only pray to God that he would lead the way and guide you into my arms, into my life.

 

I strongly believe that besides you, no one else can hear me, can understand me, and can adore, and can tolerate me ; ) After all, I was born with the PF (princess factor) in me, you know? All the girls, women in this world are to be treated like princesses sometimes. We all deserve to have the PF in us, because of all the things that we have to endure. Our bodies are never the same, no matter what, after entering womanhood, pregnancy, birth of a child, and all these women issues that came after that... How much is the man's body (part) changed after entering manhood? None! I told you, only you, a gentleman enough, man who would understand all this, and cherrish the woman you have, and know how precious is her love for you... My mind is racing 1,000 mph, and I'm rambling on, and on... off the subject now. I guess, I need to stop here and get some sleep. I hate to come to you just when I'm lonely or at my darkest moment. I'll try to be here with you more when I'm in a good mood, too. You do deserve a little more cheery woman than this : ) Until next time my love. Good night, and sweet dreams!

[4everdreamie]

Another day, another night... such insipid life passing me by! I want to be upbeat, and tell you happy...things, but I have no happy things to report. I know I should find my own happiness within me, myself, and not wait for someone else to make me happy, but still, the right man would certainly bring joy into my life. Damn it, I'm independent. I'm proud, and I'm strong, but why is it still so wrong without you? You know, I think I had a dream about you the other night. I was certain that it was you, because I woke up with a smile on my face, and still felt the warmth of your embrace ; )

[4everdreamie]

Here I am. All alone at night again...sigh...I wish I have nice, positive things to tell you, but no, everything is still the same. This uneventful, mundane world is killing me gradually, softly... I met a couple of men over coffee, and movie, and they weren't you! I'm so despondent, and at the same time just furious. I'm furious because I've told myself that I should stop looking, and just wait for you to find me, but I'm still putting myself out there, looking, and then get even more depressed ; ) I know, our minds, our lives are so complicated. I wanted a simple, but beautiful life filled with love and happiness, and it can't even come true. when I got married, I was young and foolish, and even though I knew that he was the right guy for me, and that I was marrying him for the wrong reason, but still, I was happy. I thought at least I've found someone who truly loves me. I was so wrong! Even though we waited for >7yrs before we got married, I never really did know the guy. In fact, I didn't know him at all. After we got married, I found out, he too, had married me for a reason, and he started to show the ugly side of him. Then I had my son, and even with all of the physical, verbal, and mental abuse. I never thought about leaving him. To me, once we tied the knot, it is: for better or for worse.

 

I didn't believe in divorce, and I still don't, but to protect myself and my son, I had to leave him after 20yrs being with the same, and only man. It was an awful time. I did love him, and I loved him very much! It broke my heart, and you'd think that I've learned my lesson. But no, not more than a year later, I found another guy and transferred all of my love, and affection to him. And once again, I found the wrong guy. He was so charming, and carried himself so well, that I blindly believed everything he said. What do I know? Never had any experience about love, or man besides the one man I was married to, I was swept off my feet with this man's charisma, and chivalry. Sadly, he could only talk the talk, but can't walk the walk. Once again, I was devastated, and my heart, my soul broken to pieces. The question is: can't these men understand how much I'd loved them, and devoted to them? Why do they keep breaking my hearts, and even worse, why do I keep falling for these men who don't deserve me, my love? What's wrong with me? Is it wrong to fall in love, and be true to your love, and give it 100%? Then someone told me that in order to protect himself, he will never, ever put a 100% into loving anyone, and will probably even keep himself from falling in love again! Huh?? Then, what kind of a relationship is that? What kind of a life is that? To me: To live is to love, and to love is to live! I need love, and I thrive on love. Even when it wasn't true love. I'm such a fool!

[4everdreamie]

This is what I wrote to Dan:

 

I feel like crying, heck I'm starting to cry now...I can't help it. Turned out that there is a class action law suit about plumbing in my complex which has been going on for 15 yrs now, and the deadline for filing any claim was the end of last month. Can you believe that? Talk about wrong timing! On top of that, my HOA insurance only covers the roof and common areas. Not covering anything has to do with structure at all unless it's a condo.

 

What's even more upsetting is the fact that I own a townhouse, which means that I'm responsible for everything inside my unit, but Allstate has been giving me a wrong policy all along. I've been getting condo, instead of townhouse policy! So my Allstate agent is concerned that I might not have any coverage at all. I never owned anything like this before, and I didn't think there is any big difference between the two, in terms of insurance policy until now! Find out the hard way! There are so many things that I don't know about, or have overlooked in this life. I can't begin to tell you how ignorant I'm.

 

I hate to do this to you, but who do i turn to now? I don't want to worry my Mom, and I don't like to bother anyone else that I know about this! It's MY Problem! It just seems so much easier to type away while tears falling down on my face. You may read this or just delete it, it's your choice. I don't care, but I'm just glad that you are there, and that I have someone to write to even though I know there is nothing you could do for me!

 

I shouldn't be too upset anymore about anything knowing how my luck has been, you know! But I can't help to wonder why I can't seem to be able to shake off this bad luck streak that has been following me for so long. I'm content with my life, and I'm trying to be a good sport about everything, but life just keeps pushing me to the limit. I know, things are bound to break, problems supposed to arise, and all that is part of life,..I know that very well, but all I ask for is a break. Just a little break now and then so I can catch my breath, but I can't even have that. Last month was a bunch of something else, and I had car problem, and now this... Well, what can I say? Life decides to play cruel jokes on me, and if it's trying to help me build characters and all that "c...p", I just have one thing to say: Go build someone else!!... Lol...Yes, I'm crying, and laughing at the same time. That's all I can do now!

 

You know, at times like this, I really wish that I have a nice man by my side. Key word "nice" ; ) He would probably be dealing with this and not me ; ), but I will be there to support him...Lol...And I wish, I'm still working at my high paying job...Anyway, it's nice to get this off my chest. You're an angel. You must be one of those rare, good things that life is sparing me! Now I don't know if you were the one seeking for inspiration, happiness or me? LOL... You must have posted that ad for me more than for yourself. So did you find your happiness? To me, happiness comes from within you. You just need a nice, special someone/something to bring it out, I guess! There are all kinds of versions of happiness. Which one are you seeking for? Sometimes I catch myself being so happy, so content with the simplest things in life! They aren't much, and not very lasting, but they are like little bandages that help protecing, and healing my wounds caused by this "thing" called "life"! They help me hop along until the next time I fall down again...But, I still don't want to give up the hope that I could someday find my true love which would give me strength and courage like the quote below!

 

Love is like a magic potion, a euphoria...With it in your life, everything bad seems to be of much lesser degrees, much easier to handle! I know I tend to thrive on love, and I believe many women are, too! But what about men? Do men need love? or just...instant gratification? I don't think either of the men I was with needed love. If they did, they sure know how to hide it well! Funny, how opposite attracts (or was it just by chance???)! I'm a hopelessly romantic person, but none of the men in my life was! Go figure!...Gosh, I feel like demanding life to give me what I deserve! It owes me so much... : )

[4everdreamie]

So here I'm, finding myself talking to you again. It's Sat. night, and I don't feel too well. I've been really sick with a bad cold for almost 2 weeks! Could you believe that? A cold that lead to bronchitis, and now I'm done with the antibiotics, and still coughing. Go figure! I'm so sick of being sick...lol... that sounds funny! I wanted to get dressed and just go out for a little bit, but I don't even have the energy to do so. My head still hurts, and seriously, I don't think I should be driving anyway, but I sooo...ooo... want o get out of the house.

 

Let me tell you, I've tapped into my last resort in attempt to find you my love! I signed up for Eharmony last week. I know, just like that, I did it, and then wondered what the heck I just do. Anyway, so far, none of the matches seem like my match, but they send them my way anyway. I think they have to hook you in for at least several months before they will really send you anything that even close to what you're looking for I guess. How else are they going to make money if everyone find their matches right off the first week, or even month, right?

 

I miss you... I was languishing away in my huge bed, and feeling so alone. Not sure, what you could really do for me, if you're here right now. Are you the nurturing type, and try to wait on me, or you're the type that just can't stand being around sick people?? What type are you? You know, everytime, I feel lonely like this then I wish I've found you, and that you are here with me, but the truth is, I'm doing so well by myself, and I'm so free of all of the little hassles, headaches, and heartaches that a guy could give me, so I'm not sure why I still wish to be involved with you? Are you any different from those other selfish guys?? How do I know you are not going to give me hell of troubles, and have to relive my nightmares all over again? Is this why so many women now prefer "women" over guys? Lol... This is why we all turn into lesbians? I don't know! I'm just typing whatever is in my head right now, and I might not even make any sense, but who cares. Even you, are not reading this, so why do I have to care. You know, I never knew how bad guys could be, but I've just met this East Indian guy that fit the "jerk" word from j to k ; ) Well, you live and learn, and I learned it the hard way. Thought the guy was decent, but turned out to be just another selfish, self-absorbed, self-center piece of turd... So, I've put aside all of my prejudice, my belief, my principle just so I could have this Indian guy mar my reputation, my dignity, and pick at my heart wound again. Why did I do a thing like that? Why did I stoop so low, and why did I not think of the consequences of being so dumb? Never done anything like this in my life, and will never do this ever again. Now, I've learned my lesson, and hopefully my memory is not so bad that I would forget this incidence too soon. You know, I CAN live without you, I DON'T really need you, but why do I long for you so bad. I read my horoscope (I know...), Librans desperately need love, and wanted to be loved. I guess, only if you are a Libra too, then you would understand my feelings! I'm so tired now... I'm going to go lie down, and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow, and then I can go to a movie or something. I haven't been to any good movie lately... I think I would like to watch Larry Crowne. Will see...

[4everdreamie]

Hello my darling,

I haven't had the time to sit down and chat with you for a while. I was gone, out of town for 2 weeks, and after I got back, it seemed like I had to pay to be on vacation ; ) I had quite a few things to take care of, and one really weird incident happened just this past week! As you know, I've been trying to find you, so I found myself answering ads on CL, and signed up for Eharmony at the same time. I don't know if I will ever find any match on Eharmony 'cause I put in there on the very front page that I'm not working. I want to have that out in the open, and may be for that, no one will ever answer to my post, but that's ok. The way I see it is this - there are two types of men who would answer my ad: The first group are probably men who don't take anything too serious anyway so whether I'm working or not doesn't matter to them 'cause they do not care about LTR anyway. Or, I could meet men from the 2nd group who genuinely looking for their soul mates, and doesn't matter if I'm working or not, if we hit it off, who knows we might bring good luck to each other, and I will be working in no time ; ) i don't know. I'm just making up all kinds of things to make myself feel ok about all this. One thing I can assure you is that I will never, ever answer or have anything to do with Craig's List ever again! Too many cheap, creepy, weirdo on that website. They don't want to pay, therefore they think all the women who respond to them are as creepy, and cheap as they are. I met a couple of guys over coffee from CL, and the first guy named Dan seems nice enough, but turns out to be a loser with an attitude. The 2nd guy is totally into sex, and all he wants is to get into a woman's pants. This was the East Indian guy I was talking about. The 3rd and last one named Bob, and he claims to be a religious man. Doing lots of things for his kids and the kids at church. He said he provides his service to the church every weekend, but he turned out to be the worst of them all! I met up with him 2x for coffee and movies, and I just couldn't believe how much he looks, and acts, and even feels like my ex bf when he was trying to hold my hand. It was kind of weird to me from the start, but I didn't want to think much of it. His built, his attitude, his way of talking, and the fact that he is also so cheap, and hard of hearing on one ear is just like D. It was weird, and too weird to be just a coincidence. He is also a Taurus, and his hands, fingers, beard are looking, feeling exactly the same like that of D's. I just couldn't believe it. I don't love D. anymore, but I did have a lot of feelings for him. He was a very good man overall except the fact the he is very frugal. I couldn't be with someone who is constantly trying to save every penny at every occasiion, and he is not even poor. He works for Nasa and was financially stable. D. finally drove me away. This Bob guy was the same way, and I could accept the fact that he has to be since he has 2 kids to support, and he is currently not working. I'm not working either, so I could understand that. However, he is still too much of a cheapskate to me. So much like D. that I thought to myself this would spell disaster, and I better stay away, and not get myself in too deep with him. I told him the truth that he is too much like my ex bf, and I just want us to start out slowly, and be friends first. He was ok with that, so I thought! He plays the guitar and said that he plays in the band sometimes, so I thought may be some day I will go to see him play. I didn't see him much, and didn't want to talk to him too often either. I just wanted to go as slowly as possible. After I came back from my vacation, I texted to let him know that I'm back, and was just checking on him to see how he was doing, and the first couple of texts back and forth were nice, and ok. Then all of a sudden he exploded on me about how I'm not taking things seriouly, and that this is not "friendship", and basically told me that I'm not who/what I say I'm. i'm not like I stated in the very first post that I have on here, and how I'm having issues, and not being truthful, and not knowing my mistakes and so for and so on...He said the most hurtful things anyone could have said to an almost total stranger! After all, I do not know him. I don't even have any feelings for him, and now that I think about it, I didn't even like him, but I was trying to be nice, agreed to be friends, and civilized with him since I thought he was nice. I couldn't believe that there are people like that out there! People that couldn't take rejection, and turned around accusing others of being evil, and not truthful, and this and that... Truthful about what? I wrote and pour my heart out for you, YOU - MY LOVE, not for just any guy, and it was certainly not for him. But, he took what I wrote, and held me accountable for it like it was written for him. How ridiculous can it be? And after I tried to defend myself, and tried to explain myself to him, he texted me back and told me to "Go Away"! I laughed so hard, and responded back: "Thank You"! He had no idea what a relief it was that he decided to go away himself and not to ever bother me again. I was so afraid that he is some psycho who is stuck in some stupid fantacy, and decided to make my life miserable, and would start stalking me. Thank God, he is just a coocoo head. See, my dear, what I have to go through in this life to find you? I've decided that I've done my part of searching for you. After my contract with eharmony is over, I'm done with all that nonsense too. I want you, and only you! All the other men are not worth it, and I've had enough of them! Frankly, sex is over rated, and men are even more so. Only you, who would know me, and know how to make me feel so good, and explode like 4th of July fireworks! And only me could lead you there my baby! To me, sex has no meaning when there's no love involved, and if it is just sex that I need, i could satisfy myself anytime, anywhere. Why do I need a man for that? It's the love, the touch, and the passion from you that I need my love. Too bad, we might never get to meet and come together in this life, but if there's such thing as reincarnation, perhaps we will find each other then. I don't know, and I don't want to know, or worry too much about all this any more. I do feel very lonely sometimes, and I do miss you so much, and I want your touch so bad, but I don't want to run into creeps, and low life scumbags anymore. Since I can't weed them out, I better stay away from all men altogether! It's safer for me that way ; ) I might change my mind some day about this, but for now, I'm happier being who I'm, and not have to deal with unstable minds, and their drama. And men thought that only women create drama... You know, men always claim that "women are hard too understand", but you know what? It's the men that "don't let anyone to understand them"! Oh well, C'est la vie! Life sucks, and then you die, but the world will still be spinning without you... : ) Good night, love! Dream of me as I'll be dreaming of you...whoever, wherever you are ; )

[4everdreamie]

Boy! Can't believe I had a very long talk with you last time. I must have typing away with so much thoughts, and frustration ; ) I read some of the posts, and saw many typos, but hey, you do understand what I'm trying to say, right? That's all that matters! I'm writing more for myself than anyone else, so it's ok if I don't make sense, or make too many typos. I understand what I write ; )

 

I have AC, plumbing problem which leads to flooring problem also, and I haven't called anyone or done anything about it! I don't know who to call. I do not know of any trustworthy contractors or where to even begin! Gosh, I wish you're here with me now. I'm sure you'd know what to do, and where to look. I so need a man now for this ; ) I'm thinking of getting onto Angie's List to get someone to come out and take a look at all of the craps going on in my place, but even with Angie's List, I need to know how to find a good one, and need to know where all the problems begin so they won't BS me. I even have electrical problem, too. Boy, a whole streak of bad luck has been following me, and I just can't shake it off just yet. I don't know why I always have something to worry about, or some mishap that requires money to take care of. Others have a place like me, and never have this many issues arise all at once like this. Am I cursed? But why? By who? Maybe God is teaching me a lesson! But oh God, please understand that I haven't meant to do anything bad. If I did, either I don't know that, or I didn't mean to. They just happened! I know I have a lot of sins, and who doesn't, but I haven't harm anyone or done anything to hurt people. Alright, I did break a couple of hearts, but mine is also broken right after that, so I guess I've paid for it. Haven't I? I need a break now God! I think I'm back down to the baseline now, and I deserve a good break from all the hassles, mishaps, and unlucky business, otherwise, how could anyone survive with one problem after another? And I'm not even working! Where am I going to find the money to keep fixing all these craps. Oh, by the way, my car needs a major tune-up soon! Oh great! Just great! See what I mean? I sometimes can't help but wonder why are we here on this earth? Why am I here on this earth? All we ever do is to work so hard to try to survive, make a living, and for what? So that at the end, we all die and bring nothing with us. I don't get it! And yet, there are so many people who are so afraid of dying. Why? What if dying is the best thing for us?? So that we could escape from all these craps going on in this "crazy world" that we call life!! Anyway, don't know what's got into me today, but I do feel like such a drag, and so sick and tired of everything...including tired of living! I just want to go lie down, take a long nap, and when I wake up, all my troubles would go away, just like that ; ) Oh...how I wish I have such magic to make everyone's troubles disappear...

[4everdreamie]

Hello there,

So Labor day is over! Nothing new to report except for the fact that all home related issues are still there and nothing is fixed! Gosh, I know I need to get them fixed, but having to deal with contractors, and to find out how much these things are going to cost me is too much of a drag that I rather not know : ) Silly me, I know. I was just hoping and wishing that all these problems just go away on their own I guess ; ) or may be this is all just bad dream and I will wake up soon and find out that everything is fine... Yea, right! H. texted me that he would love to hear my voice, but he is in such lousy mood due to...who knows what? that he can't talk to me now. Like I care to talk to you, creep! The guy definitely has problem! His sinus issue is back, and everything is like a de javu for me all over again. I don't care to have a month long of nasty fighting like last year anymore! Thank God, this time, I'm smarter, and know better to leave him alone instead of caring too much about him, and his health issue. I did text and asked if he is doing any better, but with that kind of a response, I guess not! Weirdo, no wonder he is still alone, and I have no idea what I saw in him, and why I got involved with this man in the first place is beyond me. All the red flags were up, and I just refused to see them, so I guess it's my own doing then. He said no matter what we will be connected for life, and blah, blah, blah... whatever! Why do men always act that way? They love to have what they can't get, and the minute they got what they want then they don't care about anything anymore! Scumbags, all scumbags!!! Watch, when he finds out that I'm seeing someone else again, then he would come crawling back, and asking me to come back again... I'm not going to fall for this cheap thrill anymore! I'm so tired of these immature, and insecured men. They don't even know what they want! One minute, they say they need love, the next minute, they say it's all too much, they need space, time... whatever! You're either in or out...idiots! Can't play game with people's emotions, and frankly, you're all too old to play games now! These men that I'm so unlucky to meet are all over 50, and they still act like they are immature imbeciles! Sad, so sad!! The East Indian guy, V. still doesn't get it. He texted me still and pretended like nothing happened. Asking how I am, and pretended like he cared. What the hell? Do these people think I'm a no brainer, or ARE THEY NO-BRAINERS??? Oh God...I pray everyday that these losers stay as far away from me as possible, and that I will never run into anyone like these anymore! I used to believe that there are decent men out there, but boy, I'm almost giving up hopes! When I watched these programs on TV with real couples who seemed so caring, loving toward one another, it touched me so much. I've seen this one man recalling an incidence where his wife went out at night, and her car skidded off the street in the middle of a snow storm, and he was so worried that he went out to look for her himself. Gosh, they were both older people, but were so much in love. He started to choke up a little, and you could see the tears in his eyes when he was saying how close he was to losing her... He stated how much he loved his wife, and couldn't imagine how he would have lived if she was gone that night! He thanked God for leading him to his wife's rescue, and then they both started crying...I cried so much watching them. I never have anyone who cares so much about me. Just seeing how much they loved each other just made me cry!

 

Dear love, I would imagine that when you do find me, we would have a love like that too, wouldn't we? That's all I ever want! Someone who would love, cherrish me, and devote himself to me so I could do the same for him...but I guess, in my case, it's too much to ask! Those are probably what people refer to as a "match made in heaven" for them. I don't think I would have that sort of a fortune in this life time! Nevertheless, I guess I can't really complain about my life anyhow. I'm still so much better off than a lot of people out there, and I am blessed with my beautiful, wonderful son so I guess I do have a lot to thank for! My son is going to college next year. Can you believe that? It seems like just yesterday I was still holding him in my arms and singing him lullabies, and now he is so much bigger, and taller than me : ) All I wish now is for him to turn out to be a good person, a good man, good husband, and a good father! I just hope that he wouldn't inherit any bad traits on these things from his dad! I'm kind of glad that I got divorced when I did (even though I never really wanted to be divorced), 'cause he was still young enough (11yrs old) to not get the bad influence from his father! The fact that his father didn't even want any custody of him was another blessing for me. I get to raise him and teach him myself how not to grow up, and become a jerk!

 

Anyway, it's just another night of feeling sad and frustrated. That's all! I tried so hard to be more positive, but these dark moments keep haunting me! I'm trying to learn to meditate now, and to let go of things, but I'm still not able to master any of that yet! I find myself thinking of my ex-husband, and his new wife, new kid more often now than ever. It's really sad, but I can't help it! May be deep down, I really envy him for being able to start all over again already while I'm still struggling everyday trying to find the right match! Boy, how easy it is for a man to just start over. He just went back to his country, and married someone who is half his age, and brought her over here just like that. Whether there is real love involved or not, I guess it really doesn't matter to any guy! He is so proud of his young, beautiful wife that he practically "bought" home. Some men are such idiots that I can't even believe that this kind of people actually exist! In this unfair, double-standard world, women are always the ones that have a losing hand no matter how you look at it. I'm being bitter, disgusted about everything that has to do with men again... I need to shake it off, and forget about all this by now already. I do understand that behind all the rosy appearances, these men must have to deal with their own issues, and problems with having these young wives. I'm not sure if their lives are all that much better, but why do I still envy them! Why do I still feel like such a loser, and feel so unwanted... No, let me correct that, why do I only have lousy men that are interested in me? I don't flaunt myself, or throw myself out there into just any man's arms or being flirtatious, or promiscuous, but why do I always attract only scumbags??? I never wear anything sleezy, or act like a sl..t, but why can't I find a decent man? Or is it just simply because good men are all taken, and only crazy, horny men are left single? I don't know. I hope you understand what I mean...Oh, what can I say?... I feel like I was born in the wrong era, and live in a wrong place. What happened to all the gentlemen???

[4everdreamie]

Hello my darling,

Here I'm, sitting and musing in the dark of the night! I could turn on the light, but I don't want to! Sometimes, darkness is just so soothing to me, and in it, my thoughts, my introspection could run freely & wildly! Untame, uncut, and so unreal...sometimes!! I'm beginning to find myself fascinated about the human minds, human psyche, and our psychic abilities. Do you believe in psychic power? In the law of attraction? It's so interesting to me, and I so want to believe in it, 'cause that's the only way I could get connected to you now, right? : ) I do wish you could be drawn to my calling, my yearning, and would be guided to me by my psychic power, lol... I don't know. Sometimes, what we don't know about or believe in is right there, right in front of us! You never know what our vast minds could do, or see, or think... The way I see it, the mind is a whole different species in itself! You really think you can control it?? Think again!! I'm now reading about meditation, and trying to practice this wonderful art of taming the mind, and hopefully can really control it some day!! I believe in the supernatural; the spirit world, and all of the unknowns out there in this life...in this universe... Wouldn't surprise me if there're truly other realms of life do exist out there. Who to say I'm wrong when no one, not a single one of us really know the answer! I thought I would chat with you, but I really am tired now. It's my mind that is running wild and I'm not sure if it's making any sense to you. I'm going to bed now. It's midnight already! Sweet dreams my love, and please...feel the vibe I'm sending out to you ; )

[4everdreamie]

Dear Love,

It's 11:08pm, and I'm wide awake! I wonder if it's because of the coffee that I had this afternoon?? But it was around 1-2pm when I had it, so not sure if it's was that potent! Anyway, I got another match from eharmony that I communicated with. This is the 2nd guy that I'm going back and forth with the guided communication questions. Don't think he is you, though! I'm just answering to see how it goes. The guy seems too cocky, and that is definitely not you, right honey? i know my man is more humble than that! Anyway, looking for you is like searching for a needle in the haystack...no, like looking for a needle at the floor of the ocean!! I don't think I've set that high of a standard, but regardless, you're just too wonderful to find! I think I'm doing a little better today in term of "practicing meditation". I'm beginning to see some progress, I think. I'm able to focus on my breathing and my heart rate for a minute or so without being all distracted. Yeah, even 30sec would have been nice. You should see what's in my brain...constant chattering, and thousands of thoughts, images...Why do I have to think so much? I don't understand! And they're mostly negative instead of nice, pleasant thoughts and that's what's driving me crazy! I think I've always been like this even since I was just in 2nd grade or so. I remember all the sad incidences about being bullied, and I cried myself to sleep every night, and always wished that I would never wake up in the morning so I don't have to go to school the next day! It was a really sad time...I was probably 6 or 7. A series of events had happened to me up to that point, and the bullying at school really didn't help at all. One of these days, when I'm in the mood, I'll tell you more about my childhood! It only brings tears to my eyes whenever I talk about it. Not very happy childhood! Not happy teenage years, and definitely not all that great either after that! I sometimes am amazed at the strength of human beings. How enduring our minds, our bodies are, to actually live through this whole process of life!! The perseverence, the will to press on is too astounding to me! I often am surprised that I've made it this far, and have been around this long!! I almost broke so many times, but God, Angels, somebody was always around to lift me up with that miracle. I have to admit though, many times, I don't even care if I'm still here or not. In fact, I often thought that bailing out may be the best way to escape all this mundane, nonsense stuffs that's going on everyday! I can't think like that anymore 'cause I have my son to live for, and then his children to live for. In a way, my son saves me again, and again. Just when I'm about to give up, his smile, his face, his whole existence stopped me from doing anything crazy! I actually have a lot to live for, but at the same time I don't feel like I NEED to be here. Everything will go on as it's always going on even if I'm gone, so why do I care to stay! Again, I don't want to hurt my son. So here I am, pretty much living entirely for someone else. Isn't life wonderful? There are so much I want to tell you, but at the same time, I don't even think they worth talking about! It's the past! It's too painful to think of! And it's definitely too long of a story to go there...Have you ever wonder why someone's life is so nice, so happy, and everything seems to go their way, and here we are, having to struggle every step of the way to just be here 'til the next day?? That's why I believe in karma, past lives, and reincarnation! How else can you even begin to explain the unfairness, or the vast differences between our lives? If this is all just random, and by chance then life really sucks so bad ; ) Did I ever tell you that I'm a Libra? And librans almost couldn't live without love, or romance in their lives. We do terribly when we are alone, and not have a life partner to share things with. It's almost like being alone is suffocating to us. No wonder I fall in love with the first man ever came around, and repeated the same thing twice after that! Need love like I need air, and the funny thing is Libra is an Air sign!! How ironic is that! Somebody should need me badly instead of me yearning, and longing so much for you, my love! As a little girl, I always imagined myself growing up in a nice little family with little beautiful children, and a wonderful husband, and that's it! That was the wonderful life that I often dreamed of, and wish that the two of us would be so much in love 'til the end of our time. I want to be like my grandparents who were so loving, and are still together with so much passion for each other still 'til this day! You could see how much they care about each other with the way they talk to one another, and the way they smile at each other. How wonder is that! So soft, so simple, so delightful, and yet so hard to find this true love!! I thought it would be like that for me when I married my ex-husband! Never loved anyone before, I poured all of my heart and soul into this man, this relationship, and thought that he would reciprocate! I truly thought he did, but how, when, where did it go wrong, I have no idea!! I blamed myself for years thinking that I must have handled something wrong and drove him away. Little did I know that men just happen to get bored with one woman, with the same life, or however they are, I don't know. But they change! Tell me darling, why do men do that? And are all of you like that? Now, at 43, I feel like I don't know anything about men at all. None, nada, zip, zero...whatsoever! I'm confused! I'm hurt! I'm disappointed and yet I still want to be with "the man" that's supposed to be my soul mate! Did I happen to use up all of my wild cards or are you out there for me, my love? If I don't find you, my soul mate...I rather die alone in this life! It's exactly mid-night when I just finished that last sentence! Strange, bizarre! It gives me the creep! Oh well... I wish you good night, and may your night be filled with sweet dreams, and hopefully they will guide you to me soon! Good night, love!

[4everdreamie]

My Dear,

I've just hit a really rough patch. But as they say: you can only go so far down, and then the only direction left to go, is up! So I guess, I'm just starting my way up now! Everyone around me has been so concerned about me, and I know that I'm very blessed t0 have friends, family who truly care about me, and my well-being, but why do I still have these dark moments that keep coming back to haunt me, and just take me over! I succumbed to this total dark phase for almost 2 weeks earlier, and it totally consumed me. I almost gave up if it wasn't for my son that I have to live! I am beginning to think that I have "bipolar" now. Even H.G. told me so. He called me a crazy woman! That's bad, really bad! And what is really beyond me is the fact that I kept calling him and let him put me down over and over again. The obsessive/compulsive behavior was uncontrollable! I know I shouldn't have anything to do with him anymore. He only brings me heartache & headache, and could never make me happy, but the fact that he seems to be the only one who understands me makes me want to keep talking to him. But yes, I know what you would tell me. Yes, he is total flake, a jerk who has problems of his own so why would I want to stay connected to him?? Go figure! I don't know the answer to that either, but you know what? At least I've made up my mind now that I would never have anything to do with him anymore, and I'm seeing to it that this will be the case! So far, so good. I haven't been wanting to pick up the phone and call him anymore. The real issues is the fact that he keeps saying that he still loves me, misses me, wants to communicate with me, and tells me that it's ok to call him anytime; that's what encouraging my behavior, but you know what? Enough is enough. He has had enough and so have I! This crazy, "doesn't make any sense" relationship got to stop, and it has come to a good breaking point, and I've ended all. I do not know how to be friends with my ex's. Do you? How can anyone even do that? Even when things don't work out, and we end up walking, there're always still emotions, feelings left, and because of that I could never really treat them as friends, 'cause I don't feel like that about any of my friends. Therefore, I rather prefer the "end it all" better than remaining "friends". That is no "friendship" to me after breaking up!

 

Anyway, Sat. night and here I'm, chatting with my "imaginary love". I have these two guys from eharmony contacted me, and trying to chat with me, but why do I feel like it's such a drag. Part of me want to go out there and search for my "soul mate", but part of me is so dreading meeting more strange, crazy men out there! There was one guy that looks decent in picture, and profile, but with just the 2nd email you already could tell how weird, and psycho he is. He asked me if "I shave or trim myself"??? In a 2nd email??? on Eharmony??? I pray to God that he will keep all these weirdos, and perverted guys away from me. I think I've had enough on hand to deal with! I don't need anymore crazy, dramatic people in my life. I actually don't even know how to date now a day! They're almost all sexual maniacs out there, and I don't care to associate with any of them! Gosh, I'm so tired, exhausted, and exasperated! I wish for a period of time out and just "rest in peace". That's what I need...Rest...

[4everdreamie]

Hi There,

Long time no chat! It's starting to rain again out there. I know we need the rain, but I personally do not like rain at all. It makes me sad, depressed, and sad again... I've gone from being depressed to lonely, to sad, and now back to being depressed ; ) Some people are doing just fine being alone, but why do I feel so miserable without you? Why is love so important to me? It's not that I can't be by myself. Being alone is not a problem! It's the fact that I have no love, no hope to be in love is the problem! I so need love to thrive like the flowers need the sun; like fish need water, and animals need air. Without you, and your love...How am I going to go on? And the hope of finding you is dwindling by the second. I have these connections from e-harmony, and link removed, but I have no interest in getting to know any of these men. They are just not you. I look at their pictures, perusing through their profiles, and I wonder what the heck I am doing signing up for these sites. They are just not for me. I don't even drink and never like the bar scene, or anything like that so how do I ever meet you? But, but... you wouldn't be in places like that either, so where am I supposed to find you, love? I'm still so young, my heart is still so filled with love, my body is still so raging with desires, and passion, and I have NO YOU to receive all of my love, and longing! Dear love, it aches me so badly to know that the possibility of me living the rest of my life by myself like this is so real now. I could just die due to loneliness, and heartache. But you know what? I rather die lonely, and alone, but I won't settle for less. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with just anybody but you! I'll only have you: My love, my best friend, my soul mate! Anyone else would just be settling, and I won't do that ever, not ever again... I want to say much more, but I just feel so tired, so discouraged, so depressed... Good night, love!

[4everdreamie]

Hello Love,

Long time no talk! Well, I'm not that busy, it's just that I've been so down with everything that's going on in my life. I don't make money, but I've lost a bunch of money due to a series of unfortunate events. They are truly unfortunate events. Some of them just happened, and were out of my control; some I could have prevented them from happening, and should have been a little more cautious, but by gone is by gone. What's done is done. I can't go back to fix anything, and so I just have to live with my mistakes. The trouble is, lately, I've made too many mistakes. I'm so tired of everything, and really upset with myself. My judgement has been so poor recently that I just don't want to do anything anymore. The way I see it: only when I'm not going anywhere, or doing anything that I could prevent myself from doing stupid things, and making stupid mistakes. Also, I'm so frustrated with this business of finding you, my love. The men I want to correspond with they wouldn't answer my emails, or winks; and the ones I don't care for keep sending me emails...sigh... I just realize that I'm getting old, and not that desirable anymore, I guess... How else do you explain all these mismatches?? I stop winking, initiating anything now with these men. The hell with them. They are not you anyway... Most men on these internet dating sites are looking for women who are trophy wives, or girlfriends, and these men do think that they are so hot, 'cause most of them are looking for women who are 10-20 years younger than them. Rediculous! Anyway, that's fine. Love is rare, but it's free, and if you have to pay for them, then it's no longer worth it. Know what I mean? And trust me, these men will have to pay one way or another in order to get these younger women. I still believe that there is one soul mate for me out there somewhere!...But where? Where are you?...

[4everdreamie]

Hi There,

Long time no talk. So many things are happening to me these days that I don't even have the time, or the energy to write you! Grandfather passed away on 12/29/11. So needless to say, I've had an interesting new year. Then my eldest aunt added some flavor to my life with all of her selfish, nasty remarks. Did it end there? No, my stepfather had to pick a fight with me at my grandmother's house in front of all of my aunts and uncles because he couldn't handle the embarrassment. It was all his own doing. i didn't even talk about him, but since he knows what he has done; he had to voice himself and made a fool out of himself. Embarrassed me in the process. I just couldn't believe it. You know, everytime I try to pull myself together, and tell myself that life isn't so bad, then it would come back and keep reminding me how ugly it is. I hate it! I don't hate everything in it, but I still think it's so ugly, cruel, and most of the time ridiculous, and yet so many people are afraid of death, and don't want to leave it. I can't wait to exit! This place is not for me, and I just feel so trapped most of the time. All that struggling, trying, making...for what? We all exit this world empty handed! Oh well, that's just my own opinion.

 

You know, back on 12/11, I found out that HG has a new gf. All of a sudden after >2 months haven't heard from him, I have this urge that I need to call him to see if he, and his parents are ok or not. I'm so glad I made that phone call. Right away, you could tell in his tone of voice that something is different. His attitude has really changed toward me, and I suspected that he has someone else. But the liar, manipulated, and conniving jerk was lying around, until I said I know he has someone new, then he started telling me the truth! So, all this time, he wanted to be friends after we broke up just to keep me as a spare in case he needed to crawl back to me while he is seeing this new woman. I can't believe that I was so dumb to even allow this to happen. The fact that he didn't call me for 2 months should have been a clue to me. Anyway, I learned a bunch more thing about this man, and men, dishonest people in general. It's ok. Things always happen for a reason, and I get to have my eyes opened up and can now see the real him. I thank people who are mean to me! Yes, I rather they do that so I could see the truth sooner, and not later. Anyway, I got to go now. Will catch up with you later. I know I must be making a bunch of typo, and probably don't even make much sense today, but oh well, at least I got everything off my chest...

[4everdreamie]

Hello again,

I haven't talked to you in such a long time, and you know what? I've had an interesting cruise beginning of Feb, to the Eastern Caribbean. Was with a big group, and everyone was so crazy about food. All they care about is to go eat 3,4,5 times a day. And what is really sad is the fact that they ate, and ate, and didn't get sick. I'm the one that didn't care about food, and got the stomach flu on the last night of the cruise. Isn't that wonderful? And yes, it happens to me, and only me! Of course, life is not exciting enough for me, so it has to sprinkle a little of this, a little of that onto my life all the time! I had to go to the ER, and spent practically 3 days on the toilet...Yes, it was fun!

 

Met some more weird characters on line. No, not in person, but through phone, and chat. I can't believe there are people (men to be exact) like that out there. I've come to a conclusion that I'll be single, and alone for the rest of my life now. I rather be, than to be with those crazy men out there. No wonder they're alone. But what about me? Am I nuts too? I'm alone! Am I not desireable or something is wrong with me that I keep attract "nuts" into my life. Please God, keep them away from me! Or perhaps, God is letting me know what is good, and bad, so that I could really appreciate the "right one" when he shows up. Oh Gosh, Good ones are happily married or taken. They wouldn't be out there looking! So I'm among the bad, and the ugly then? Maybe! That's really sad! Thought I good, smart, desireable, irresistible, but I guess I'm dead wrong! Like everything else in my life, I have to find this out the hard way, too! Oh well, to live is to learn, and I really need to come to terms with all this now. The fact that I idealize love, and have been too loyal to the undeserving ones are punishment for my sins (this and previous life), probably! I'm too tired to think now, I'll just let everything goes the way it wants to. Don't want to care too much anymore...

[4everdreamie]

Hello there,

Long time no talk! I know. I was so busy volunteering at the temple for the Jade Buddha Welcoming Festival that I didn't even have time to think! So much has happened too in term of my love life... Met someone and thought that he was a decent, nice guy, and guess what? Again, I'm shocked with the stuffs I found out about this guy. I started having some feeling for him, and started to care for this person only to find out that he is just another loser. And that's my problem! I just figured out why I always end up with these weird characters, and I now know where I go wrong! Feeling sorry for people is what I've been doing! Everytime I hear a sad story, some injustice or even just by looking at people, I start feeling sorry for them and want to help, to comfort them. When am I going to stop this nonsense, and start feeling sorry for myself first before I get myself in trouble over and over again. I get hurt this way so many times, but it seems like I just never learn. With this Dan guy, after hearing that he has not been with anyone for over 10 years, and how his life is going down hill after this, and after that... I felt so bad for him, and wanted to be his friend, wanted to cheer him up, and wanted to help turning things around for him, and guess what? Same old story...He just wanted to take advantage of me, and started to show his real self. No wonder he is where he is now, and not to mention all of the lies, and stuffs that he didn't tell me. He didn't tell me he was arrested for drunk driving before. He didn't tell me he was a bar hopper... How can I ever trust any man anymore? Life is too short, and it's really too sad! Anyway, I have to change now, and stop being too trusting, and caring. I rather be lonely sometimes than being miserable all the time with some creepy guy. They should all go to hell! Or may be this place is really not for me. Perhaps I should be the one that bail out, and leave this awful life to the awful people...Freaks, Morons, Liars, Weirdos, and worse... God, please keep me safe, and away from all the bad people in this world. Please God! You know darling, I keep telling you that if it's not you that I find, then I don't want to be with anyone else, but how do I find you if I don't kiss all the frogs first! They are not just frogs, honey, some are dead frogs, and so they stink!! See what I have to go through to find you? I have to say though, I'm learning so much now about guys that I feel like I could start writing a book about how to avoid "frogs" ; ) Hummm, not a bad idea. Maybe, I will...

 

It's Sat, and I'm going to meet another blind date. I'm not even in the mood to find out what this guy is like. They're all the same so why do I even bother, I don't know! waahbit, waahbit... Another waahbit evening! Sigh...

[4everdreamie]

Tonight, just another night like so many nights... Loneliness is consuming me, pain and despair are killing me, and I again wonder where you are? I do believe! I want to believe... that you are out there, also searching for me! i've been waiting for you, my love. There were times, when exhaustion, despondence, and disappointment almost caused me to give up! But how could I? You! You, you are the one who keeps me going! My yearning, longing for you, keep me going! I just wish you find me soon before I cease to exist. Honey, I'm right here waiting for you! Please come to me!...Now... (Do you hear my whispering, baby! Sigh!)